[pishajane]

She's 21mo, so i'm pretty sure she doesn't really get it yet, but i really need to trust that she won't keep trying to shove food into 3mo ds's mouth! I've tried explaining, distracting, even yelling <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">. She thinks it's all a big game. I wear ds as much as i can, but sometimes i do need to put him down - to cook, go pee, just for a break...<br>
I'm not too good at GD so far. I usually resort to yelling, because that's the only thing that stops her doing whatever she's doing. I only yell for important stuff, like hitting or kicking ds, or trying to feed him. However i'd love to stop acting this way. I'm quite ashamed of myself. But it's so frustrating sometimes having to say things over and over and over. I know she's still just a babe, but i need to protect ds from her sometimes.<br>
Any suggestions?<br>
Trish

 

[mamabutterfly]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>pishajane</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11000176"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I wear ds as much as i can, but sometimes i do need to put him down - to cook, go pee, just for a break...</div>
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I do get what you mean here, but I'm not sure if this means they are sometimes alone together? It seems like the baby needs to be in your direct sight (or maybe in a crib that dd cannot reach). Like you said, she is to little to understand what can hurt him; I think your job here it to keep the situation from ever coming up when you are not right there next to them.<br><br>
I know two under two is a big job! I'm sure others here will have good advice on GD in general with a 21 month old, I just wanted to mention the thing about them never being unattended together. I'm sure it's hard though! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">

 

[bl987ue]

It is very hard to have two little ones so close in age--you have your plate full. Having said that, you must not leave the baby and the toddler together-period. You can't trust a 21 month old to know better, and yelling is ineffective. Redirection works much better--can you enlist the toddler's help to care for the baby? Wee ones this age are eager to help--send her off to get a diaper for you, or maybe a toy, and take the baby with you to pee if you can't put him out of the toddler's reach.

 

[sapphire_chan]

Can she have something else to "feed"? And could you play a game with her for a bit where she gives ds things that are okay for him to chew on? Maybe also a game where a toy tries giving ds various things and she (and you) tell the toy the things aren't safe?<br>
"Teddy wants to give ds a carrot, is that okay? No? What can teddy give him instead?"<br><br>
Obviously, just to minimize the times you have to jump in while your hands are full with something else. As the posters above mention, at 21 months you really can't leave them alone together.

 

[~Megan~]

Don't allow her to have food without your direct supervision. As far as getting her to understand, I'm not sure how to make that happen. Just repeat over and over. By the time she gets it then he'll probably be eating food and she can be confused all over again! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">

 

[pishajane]

It's ok - i'd NEVER leave ds alone for any amount of time, esp if dd's in the room! When i said i do put him down sometimes, i was just pre-empting anyone who might suggest wearing him. It's the only thing i can think of myself.<br>
What happens is that when dd is eating on the run (which is most of the time since she hates to sit down to eat<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">) she'll try to feed ds if he's in the bouncer. However, if it's not food, then it's hitting or squashing or throwing something at him... I just don't really know how to handle it.<br>
the idea of using a toy to act it out sounds good. I'll give it a shot. I completely understand WHY it's happening, but it's also not acceptable.

 

[sapphire_chan]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>pishajane</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11009392"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It's ok - i'd NEVER leave ds alone for any amount of time, esp if dd's in the room! When i said i do put him down sometimes, i was just pre-empting anyone who might suggest wearing him. It's the only thing i can think of myself.<br>
What happens is that when dd is eating on the run (which is most of the time since she hates to sit down to eat<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">) she'll try to feed ds if he's in the bouncer. However, if it's not food, then it's hitting or squashing or throwing something at him... I just don't really know how to handle it.<br>
the idea of using a toy to act it out sounds good. I'll give it a shot. I completely understand WHY it's happening, but it's also not acceptable.</div>
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She'll grow out of it. Meanwhile, also see about timing the "ds has to be down" times for when dd *isn't* eating. Presumably, she doesn't actually have food all day long?

 

[pishajane]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sapphire_chan</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11009892"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">She'll grow out of it. Meanwhile, also see about timing the "ds has to be down" times for when dd *isn't* eating. Presumably, she doesn't actually have food all day long?</div>
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No, actually not very often - she's more of a booby girl! But like i said, if it's not food, it's a whack to the head or she'll throw toys at him. I know she's trying to get a reaction from me, and yes she usually does. I can't stand by and not say something. But i'll definitely try your idea - thanks! She's still so young it's hard for both of us. I feel bad for her that she doesn't have me all to herself anymore... but, it's the way it is now. We're all learning together!

 

[starsrmndmeofyou]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>~Megan~</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11007243"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Don't allow her to have food without your direct supervision. As far as getting her to understand, I'm not sure how to make that happen. Just repeat over and over. By the time she gets it then he'll probably be eating food and she can be confused all over again! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"></div>
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<br><br>
ya that!!

 

[Kessed]

I know you were trying to pre-empt this...<br><br>
But - why do you put your baby down near your DD? She is WAY too young to be safe around him... WAY too young.<br><br>
Most people I know barely trust their 3 or 4 yos with their babies. You need to keep your baby in your arms or in a safe place.<br><br>
Things like Mei-Tais will let you have full use of both arms to play with your DD while keeping your baby safe.<br><br>
I really don't get why your DD has access to your son...

 

[~PurityLake~]

My daughters are less than 15 months apart and my oldest was obsessed with 'mothering' the new baby.<br><br>
She is also kinda rough sometimes. the wooden toys have been put up out of reach for several months (more than a year) now.<br><br>
I explained to Abigail that certain things give Sophia owies, and she has to be gentle. I demonstrated gentle using the sign for gentle, and she picked up on what I was telling her. Abigail has always had great empathy, though. when she was only 5 months old and her 9 yr old halfbrother pinched his finger and started to cry, she crawled the 5 feet to him and kissed and hugged him, and looked very concerned.<br><br>
I can't imagine never allowing them near each other as a pp suggests. That seems extreme and anti-social. They learn by doing. We can't control everything and my babes love being on the ground. They were both walking by 10 months and climbing by a year, so it's quite a job keeping up with both of them and keeping them out of trouble.<br><br>
I guess my best suggestion was what I first said, teach empathy.<br>
Demonstrate by example how to be gentle.

 

[greeny]

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">but i really need to trust that she won't keep trying to shove food into 3mo ds's mouth!</td>
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You can't. She's so little still too, a baby too, and she doesn't have the ability to understand or control what she's doing. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">

 

[pishajane]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Kessed</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11013579"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I know you were trying to pre-empt this...<br><br>
But - why do you put your baby down near your DD? She is WAY too young to be safe around him... WAY too young.<br><br>
Most people I know barely trust their 3 or 4 yos with their babies. You need to keep your baby in your arms or in a safe place.<br><br>
Things like Mei-Tais will let you have full use of both arms to play with your DD while keeping your baby safe.<br><br>
I really don't get why your DD has access to your son...</div>
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Ok... i was going to reply to this post, but i've thought better of it. What i will say is that i do have a kozy on order, and am eagerly awaiting it. The rest i will forget...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/goodvibes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Goodvibes">:

 

[pishajane]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>~Purity♥Lake~</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11013660"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My daughters are less than 15 months apart and my oldest was obsessed with 'mothering' the new baby.<br><br>
She is also kinda rough sometimes. the wooden toys have been put up out of reach for several months (more than a year) now.<br><br>
I explained to Abigail that certain things give Sophia owies, and she has to be gentle. I demonstrated gentle using the sign for gentle, and she picked up on what I was telling her. Abigail has always had great empathy, though. when she was only 5 months old and her 9 yr old halfbrother pinched his finger and started to cry, she crawled the 5 feet to him and kissed and hugged him, and looked very concerned.<br><br>
I can't imagine never allowing them near each other as a pp suggests. That seems extreme and anti-social. They learn by doing. We can't control everything and my babes love being on the ground. They were both walking by 10 months and climbing by a year, so it's quite a job keeping up with both of them and keeping them out of trouble.<br><br>
I guess my best suggestion was what I first said, teach empathy.<br>
Demonstrate by example how to be gentle.</div>
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Thankyou so much for this response. It's exactly how i feel! DD loves DS and i think it's healthy for her to be near him a lot. I may have been unclear in my OP, but i'm not an idiot - i don't leave ds unsupervised near dd, nor do i give dd food then just walk out of the room!<br>
Your suggestions are great! Thankyuo, i'll be putting them into practice immediately!

 

[laoxinat]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>pishajane</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11000176"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I'm not too good at GD so far.</div>
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Mama, nobody with a 21 month old and a 3 month old is good at GDing all the time <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> Be gentle with you, too, mama. If DP can take baby for even a little while, it will make a world of difference if you can get some one-on-one time with DD. I know it can sound a little like rewarding bad behavior, but trust me, it's not. She is probably craving some connection with you and some reassurance that her whole world isn't falling apart, kwim? It's a huge change for a toddler to deal with. It will get better, and faster if you can figure out her need and help her get it filled. Good luck, mama!

 

[pishajane]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>laoxinat</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11017557"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Mama, nobody with a 21 month old and a 3 month old is good at GDing all the time <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> Be gentle with you, too, mama. If DP can take baby for even a little while, it will make a world of difference if you can get some one-on-one time with DD. I know it can sound a little like rewarding bad behavior, but trust me, it's not. She is probably craving some connection with you and some reassurance that her whole world isn't falling apart, kwim? It's a huge change for a toddler to deal with. It will get better, and faster if you can figure out her need and help her get it filled. Good luck, mama!</div>
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You are so right. Thanks for the reminder. I'm trying so hard to get it *right* you know? I'll make sure to give dd more one on one time with me. I do understand where she's coming from - i definitely don't think she's just being "naughty"! But there is a need there that i probably haven't addressed, so thankyou for your post, and your support <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">

 

[LaughingHyena]

DD was a bit older when DS was born (2 1/4) but what seemed to work for us was to have a basket of DSs toys for DD to give to him. I avoided putting the hard rattles in there but we had plenty of little soft toys and she loved putting them on top of him in the bouncy chair.<br><br>
She also seemed to like looking at photos of herself as baby and it was a nice way to talk about what babies can't do yet but will do when they grow bigger.