[Kinguk]

My little one is 18 months old. Her father and I seperated when she was 9.5 months old. I am just now finally coming out of depression and things are looking good!

I have had to move to where he lives in order to get regular breaks. I was on my own for the first 7 months we were apart - it was awful. I actually get more breaks now than when we were together. Heck... I get breaks now!

We see each other about 5 times a week when he picks her up or drops her off... And so much can happen in that time. He is such a fireball and I am so non-confrontational. He will come into my home and tear me a new ****. Just by having him here for 5 minutes can bring me down so low.

Today I fired back and it felt good. I am in such a good place now and was just very calm and objective the whole time. This obviously bothered him as he became very defensive. Anyway, he keeps coming up with these crazy, out-of-the-blue ideas such as I need to put our daughter to bed in her toddler bed. Now. And the middle of the day feedings have to end. Now. He won't do cloth diapers anymore (not that he does the washing) He needs to start taking her weekends - from Sat. morning to Sun. evening - ASAP. She still nurses to sleep and he's never put her to sleep without the help of a stroller or a long carride! She's a night nurser so what's he going to do, flop out his boob for her in the middle of the night?

I told him he is more than welcome to come up with a plan and that I would definitely be willing to work on any agreed plans with him. But, I will not traumatize her by just expecting her to sleep in her own bed, be forced to spend two full days away from her mother, night-wean, and sleep in a strange house. I could pump, he could try to put her to nap and we can work on him putting her down for bedtimes too... But he is someone who is lazy and who makes everybody else responsible for everything. ie-It is because of me that he can't have his daughter on weekends and that she still needs to nurse. She's 18 months old; we've agreed to nurse her until two. That is absolutely something I will not negotiate with him.

The reason he wants to do all this is for his convienience. Every thing was fine until a couple months ago when he's decided to move in with his girlfriend and they are excited about starting their new life together. Won't it be nice when they can have our daughter all weekend and he won't have to drive here anymore? (We live close now, but won't once they move). Nursing is suddenly something that is uneccessary in his eyes. He was always very strongly for breastfeeding. Grrr.

Anyways, he's ridiculous. I feel so bad every time he leaves here. I don't want him in my life. How do I do this? We can't parent together. We both have our different parenting styles. I'll let him know when she's weaned and she'll let us know when she's ready to have sleepovers.

But I don't trut him b/c I can't make him do or not do something and, unfortunately, he's putting his needs before pur daughter's.

Ugh. Thanks for reading.

 

[Rosehip]

Unfortunately for you personally, if he wants to be involved you cannot get rid of him, unless you can prove he is a real and present danger to DD, and even then it would be hard. It sucks to have to deal with toxic Xs (right there with you sister), but that's reality.

However, it sounds like you really need some kind of legalized, formal parenting plan. Do you have one? This would eliminate much of the bickering. Both of you will have very limited control over how the other parents while DD is with the other. He can't make you stop using cloth diapers, you can't force him to do so.

I think your first step is seeing a lawyer. Were you married? If not, have you established paternity (legally)?

 

[Kinguk]

We still are married until the end of May. I haven't been able to look up any of the legal stuff yet because mentally, I haven't been capable of much. I'm almost there.

The thing is, we worked so well together. All of a sudden, he's grown a backbone -- he was always looking for a mother figure in me and would ask my "permission" to do things, and would take my ideas and see them as something we "had" to do as opposed to talk about. Well, now he's standing up to me. In a way, this is a good thing and I actually am happy seeing this as it means his fourth counsellor is finally getting through to him (hehe) and he's getting his personal issues sorted out. On the other hand, he's still self-centred and can't see how his decisions will affect others --> his daughter.

I don't even know where to start with the legalities of it all... I have no money.

 

[BabyBearsMummy]

:

I would agree you need to formalize your parenting plan. Also if ex is toxic and having a negative effect on your comfort in your home you do not need to allow him in. Meet somewhere else for exchanges of your DD or he stay outside no exceptions. Your home does not need to be violated. It is clear what is in your DDs best interest is not his top concern. How you choose to parent your DD in your home is really not under your exs control. Unfortunately the same is true in his home. It saddens me that he and g now want to play house complete with little girl.

: Why is it that so few fathers are able to put there childrens needs first?

 

[Kinguk]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BabyBearsMummy : Also if ex is toxic and having a negative effect on your comfort in your home you do not need to allow him in. Meet somewhere else for exchanges of your DD or he stay outside no exceptions. Your home does not need to be violated.

It sounds so simple yet it's so not. I think I will really have to make this happen - starting tomorrow. I bought a notebook to put in the diaper bag. We will communicate about her in that way... and no negativity allowed - just about her and her days. I have a seperate book in which we can talk about non-daughter related stuff.

It's just so hard right now b/c I am not completely independant from him. He still pays my phone bill and my car insurance. My car is under his name. I don't have anyone here but his family so sometimes I welcome him in just to have a conversation with someone. It's great for the first 5 minutes and then it all goes to poo.

His big April Fool's joke was that his gf was pregant. I cried and my sister was ready for World War 3! It was a joke, I'm sure he was just testing the waters...