How do I handle SIL?

Sorry to be confused here, but I fail to see how the information your SIL is giving you can possibly be accurate.

Okay, let me say this: I'm not a doctor, so PLEASE someone (or you) verify this, but I'm fairly certain the information I've got is accurate.

1. No one precisely knows the "cause" of SIDS. Some people suspect it may be due to a brain stem issue that causes too-deep sleep from which the child essentially never awakens, et cetera.

Certain factors seem to aggravate SIDS such as smoking, face sleeping, et cetera, but they also don't "cause" SIDS.

2. I fail to see therefore how the co-sleeping could "cause" SIDS, particularly since (as you know), co-sleeping tends to be a preventative measure for SIDS anyway.

3. If they accidentally suffocated the baby, this would make more sense to me, but accidentally suffocating the baby is not the same as having the baby die of SIDS.

4. The baby may well have died of SIDS while cosleeping, but there's a difference between cause and coincidence. For the record (another example of false reasoning here), most babies who die of SIDS sleep in cribs, but that doesn't mean cribs cause SIDS.

What I would do is clarify exactly what did happen in case she has her facts wrong. Moreover, if the issue is one of accidental suffocation, maybe you can show her what you're doing to prevent it and to sleep safely. I don't know if you're using a cosleeper attachment thing that goes on your bed, or whatever, but that might alleviate some of her anxiety.

Good luck!

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I know the information she has been given is inaccurate, but at the same time I don't want to really argue with her about it. I don't want to ask what the specifics of the situation are and what proof they have that tells them without a doubt that cosleeping killed the baby. With anyone else I would ask, simply out of curiosity, but I saw how effected she was when the baby died and I don't want to rehash it for her...

We're not using a co-sleeper, we thought of getting a snuggle nest, but don't really have the $ for it. Baby will be in the middle of our (very firm) king size bed.

Just as a note here, according to what I have read, I got the impression that it is safer for a baby NOT to sleep in the middle of the two parents. I think Dr. Sears addresses this in _The Baby Book_. The reason is that it doubles the chances of someone accidentally lying on top of the baby. I love Elana's idea, BTW. That's so diplomatic -- it doesn't invalidate what she's saying and does put the burden of proof (as it were) on her. I am so sorry for your SIL's friend. FWIW, I was horridly afraid of SIDS and that's partly *how come* I slept (and still sleep) with my daughter.

I think it did a great deal to preserve my sanity, really, and I'm not saying that lightly. She was and is my first and only, and I think my picture now appears under the definition of the words "paranoid" and "overprotective." I knew that even if I had a baby monitor, I'd be going into her room to check her to see if she was still breathing all the time. If I heard a sound on the monitor, I'd have to go check...and even more ominously, if there *wasn't* a sound on the monitor.

With cosleeping, all I had to do was open my eyes to check for myself. I knew that she was learning to regulate her nervous system and breathing patterns because of me; I knew I was making her safer.

If it's worth anything to you, I think the clear majority of women here think you're making the informed, safest decision here.

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It's worth quite a bit actually It's really nice to know that we aren't alone in our decision, even when it seems like we are.

As for the baby sleeping between us, I think we may try to get a snuggle nest. We just switched from a double bed to a king size bed and there's a space big enough for another adult to sleep comfortably in between us... we simply don't roll to the middle... well DF does, but only once I'm out of bed lol.. I think he just likes to sprawl out for a few minutes before he gets up. I guess I'm just really paranoid about the baby rolling off the bed (it's pretty high), especially with the night stand *right there*. Of cours I really can't say for sure where in the bed she'll sleep until she's here and we're actually sleeping with her.

I think that I might wait for it to come up again and when it does, acknowledge how scary SIDS is for everyone. I might say for example, something like, "I know, it's so scary isn't it? How is your friend doing now?" A little bit of redirection there. When it came up the next time, I'd again validate the fear she has, "It's scary for us too so we did quite a bit of reading on it. I just love Dr. Sears. Don't you? (depending on whether you've had such a discussion yet) You know there's even research that suggests ill children get well more quickly when they sleep with their parents. It helps stabilize their breathing and heartrates." And I'd just toss off little bits of the wheres and whys with each question. It may be though that at some point you do have to gently tell her to back off. I've had people question me or make comments as to why they would never co-sleep here and there, even close relatives of dh's, but not someone I felt so particularly close to. I think ultimately if you show that you're not defensive to her comments--and it sounds like you're not, you understand that she has best interests at heart, she just has a different style than you--she'll see that you're sticking with your decision and hopefully will come to respect that. I've found periodically though that even with a close friend I sometimes have to resort to a polite, "I think we're just going to have to agree to disagree on this one." With a smile. It's such a personal decision. Sometimes I'll also try to disarm by saying something rhetorical like, "It's so hugely personal isn't it? Almost like the abortion debate or capital punishment. We all have such good reasons why we believe what we believe and trying to change another person's belief system is impossible." Hang in there. Cosleeping is so wonderful. Even though my kids still sleep with us (3 and 5 years) I sometimes miss those little tiny baby snuggles. dd used to sleep nestled in my arm and body. It was wonderful.

I was also pretty paranoid about my husband rolling over our daughter since he didn't seem to have the same awareness in his sleep as I did. What I did(and still do, she's 10 months now) is sleep with her cradled in my arm, that way if my husband started to roll, he'd hit my arm first. Another thing that's amazing is that newborns are not always as helpless as they look. I once watched my husband(in his sleep) start to slightly roll onto our daughter and eventhough she was asleep she began to flail and push him away. As an alternative, some mom's keep the baby only on their side(not between the parents). The woman I mentioned whose baby died of SIDS keeps the new baby only on her side and she actually turns around to the foot of the bed when she switches sides to nurse. As far as your baby rolling off the bed, you can buy a bed rail, they're pretty cheap at Target or a little more expensive at www.onestepahead.com. You do need to squeeze a blanket(or something safe) between it and the matress though to fill the small gap.

You definitely did the right thing getting a king size bed. I wish someone had told me that. Our silly queen is really too small, but we manage. We also had a snuggle nest however, I have to say, I found it a bit cumbersome lifting her out of it and then putting her back after nursing, I could never do it without waking her up again. We ended up moving it out of bed when we got the bed rail, but we did use it for naps sometimes. You know though, whenever I would have the co-sleeping conversation with someone who was less than supportive and I mentioned that we also used the snuggle nest it somehow eased their minds.

I also agree with Elana, I think whether people co-sleep or not, what we all have in common is the utmost concern for our babies.

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She may react well, I'm not sure. I'll certainly give it a whirl if/when thesubject arises