Mothering Forum banner

1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,541 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My girls are very close in age. 14 months apart, youngest is 32 months now. I am sick sick sick sick sick of trying to figure out natural consequences for both. For example, today we were going to go for a walk. Both are very excited at the idea, but when it comes to actually getting ready to go, dd1 is the only one who is cooperating. Dd2 has pitched one fit after another. She doesn't want to wear what I picked out, so I let her pick something else out. It's sleeveless, when I explain that she will need to wear a heavy coat, as it's only 22 degrees outside, she pitches a fit. I suggest that she either choose something else, or put on what she chose, knowing that she will need to wear a coat. I go into dd1's room to help her get dressed. dd2 pitches a fit because I left her room. So I go back to her room. No, it wasn't that I left, it was because I didn't hold her hand going into ddd1's room. So, I offer to hold her hand and walk into dd1's room. She agrees. We walk in there. Stand there. Walk back to her room. I ask her if she's ready to get dressed now. She says she needs to nurse. She does. So we're sitting in the rocking chair nursing. Dd1 has been soooo patient. She desperately wants to go for a walk. Her sister is ruining it for her. But she's not complaining. I ask dd2 if she's ready to get dressed now....she says "In a minute." Now, here's the problem. We were going to walk to ds' school. He's going on a field trip this afternoon, and I forgot to pack his snack this morning, so I *need* to get to the school before 1pm. But she is just not cooperating. Now, she's sitting on my lap, nursing again. Very soon, we're not going to have time to walk to the school, because dd2 is just not with it, but that dd1 gets "punished" because her sister is being 2. How fair is that to her? She's cooperated, she got dressed, she helped me pick up the dress up stuff we were playing with this morning, etc. She's still not dressed! And as frustrating as it is for me, it's moreso because it's so unfair to her sister. With ds, this would have been an easy fix. He isn't cooperating, we don't ahve time to walk. Very simple. But, for dd1, who used teamwork all morning, she doesn't get to go because her sister is not. How can I be fair to both? How can I solve this without causing resentment in dd1? How can I help dd2 understand that her actions affect everyone else? I have about 10 minutes before it will be too late to walk. And dd1 keeps asking "When are we going to go for out walk?" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bawling.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bawl">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,134 Posts
Are you willing to let dd2 wear her sleeveless outfit outside (w/boots or whatever appropriate footwear for 22 degrees) and bring her coat/hat/mittens with you knowing that she'll be cold as soon as (or very soon as) she steps outside?<br><br>
I remember going through these situations growing up (as dd1) and it always felt good to be thanked. I still got irritated/mad at my little brother, but it felt good to be acknowledged as being patient, cooperative, etc. So don't forget to thank dd1!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,160 Posts
I agree; DD2 will change her mind when she gets outside, so bring along some warm stuff, but let her go out as she is.<br><br>
You are correct; it is not fair to "punish" dd1. Me, who tries to be gentle discipline, would take dd1 and 2 out for a walk as planned, tantrum and all. Sounds like dd2 is being manipulative, and I think you need to be firm and talk about the fact that the world does not quite revolve around her. I feel sad for your dd1.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,541 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Well, we went. and she refused to wear her jacket. Even outside. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: Can you say "stubborn?" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> But the thing that irritates me is that because of all her drama, we missed ds. The field trip was supposed to leave at 1, but because the bus got there early, and all the children had finished the assignment, they decided to leave at 12:40. So, ds has no snack, no money to buy a snack. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
And just a note, this isn't always the way it is. Sometimes, dd1 is the one dragging her feet and dd2 is the one who's cooperating. I always try to remember to thank the one who is cooperating, but it goes both ways. That was just the way it was today. Don't be sad for dd1, she has her days as well. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,541 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Sorry, double post <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,359 Posts
We have constant battles over getting dressed here as well. The twins want autonomy, I want a bit of control. LOL Not a good mix.<br><br>
I pick three outfits for the day, suitable for the weather and then let them pick one of those. They can mix and match, whatever but have to pick from what I have laid out. Or, if I know they are really grumpy and difficult, I'll pull the clothes out of the drawer, leaving in only what is best to wear that day and they can pick what they want.<br><br>
Kind of sneaky, but it works. They think they are in total control and making their choices, but are really being guided by me.<br><br>
In the long run, it doesn't matter much as they will be naked within hours. If I can just keep a diaper on them I feel like a success!<br><br>
Some days I wonder why I get out of bed. Oh yeah.. That's right. If I don't, they will destroy the house and then go on a subdivision wide rampage, naked as the day they were born! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
*sigh*<br><br>
Motherhood is not for wimps.<br><br>
Janis
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
12,185 Posts
My only thought on this is that whomever is being the cause of the delay should get a finite amount of time to be difficult, and then the household moves forward with the outing or task. So you could sai, ok, you have five minutes to choose an outfit, or I will choose for you. Or when it's time to leave, carry along boots/coats/etc. that they will need, and dress them when they get cold.<br><br>
So I think you handled this well. Sometimes stalling can be a really effective way of getting your own way, you know? And I think the natural consequences of stalling are that you lose the chance to pick your own clothes. Granted, it means you have the problem of going from naked to outdoor-appropriate in a gentle discipline way, but maybe that gets easier as the days get warmer! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,493 Posts
What I would have done differently is simply not given so many choices.<br><br>
To me why would you impose consequences at all. After all you asked dd2 if she was ready. She wasn't. I wouldn't have asked.<br><br>
I would have explained: This is what we need to do so that ds can have what he needs and so that dd1 who has been patient can walk.<br><br>
I would have given some choices, but not many. No "going back" because it was not done "right" the first time.<br><br>
Sometimes children get freaked out about how much power they are given.<br><br>
If told you need to wear x or y and have it on within a few minutes or I will dress you and then follow through they really are more cooperative IMHE!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,130 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Penelope</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My only thought on this is that whomever is being the cause of the delay should get a finite amount of time to be difficult, and then the household moves forward with the outing or task. So you could sai, ok, you have five minutes to choose an outfit, or I will choose for you. Or when it's time to leave, carry along boots/coats/etc. that they will need, and dress them when they get cold.<br><br>
So I think you handled this well. Sometimes stalling can be a really effective way of getting your own way, you know? And I think the natural consequences of stalling are that you lose the chance to pick your own clothes. Granted, it means you have the problem of going from naked to outdoor-appropriate in a gentle discipline way, but maybe that gets easier as the days get warmer! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"></div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/nod.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nod"> yep, exactly that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,191 Posts
I just wanted to say that my DS is 33 months and we are going through the exact same frustrations about getting out the door to do <i>anything</i>. It drives me batty, and I usually end up dressing him and forcing him bodily out the door. I don't necessarily like this approach - I try to let him express his feelings while still saying, "I'm sorry you couldn't put your socks on by yourself, but it's time to go now. I'll do it for you and then we can go." He is not happy about this, but what can I do? We have to get out the door.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
15,484 Posts
Moved to Gentle Discipline.
 
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
Top