Joined
·
1,880 Posts
<p>deleted for personal and privacy reasons.</p>
How do I respond or deal with this?
1 - 20 of 26 Posts
Joined
·
4,488 Posts
<p>i'm sorry. i think going to the police was the right thing to do. it's the only way he was ever going to stop. i think the best way to respond to the conversation you had today is to cut all ties to his friends and family. </p>
Joined
·
2,916 Posts
<p><span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif"> I am so sorry that she spoke to you that way. Please don't doubt that going to the police was the right thing. He was terrorizing you, you were in fear for your life and the lives of your DC. You did the right thing. He made his choices, he chose his behavior, and he even admitted guilt in court. You have not ruined his life. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span>I would gently suggest though, that if you keep holding on to your dream of being with him, and you keep trying to make it work out somehow, you could put him and yourself both in a very dangerous situation. At this point, if he can walk away from you, he may be able to get help, or somehow change. But he won't be able to change with you in his life. That was something that was hard for me to accept about my abuser. No matter what, he would always be abusive to me. And the longer I stuck around, the longer I tried to hold on to the hope that he would change, the longer both of us would be unhappy. I wanted him to have another chance at having a healthy life, and potentially healthy relationship. I didn't want things to get any worse between us. He was threatening to kill DD and I. If he did that, then he would likely live out his life in prison. As much as I feel that he needs help, I didn't want him to have to get it because he wasn't able to maintain control of himself and ended up with murder charges. That would have hurt so many people in both of our families. So please, also think about him, what is best for him? No amount of love that you have for him will change him. He needs you out of his life as much as you need him out of yours. </span><img alt="hug2.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug2.gif"> I am in no way saying that his actions are your fault at all. Just that the history and long standing dynamics of your relationship with him are unlikely to ever change.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I know you are hurting and seeking closure. I would encourage you to walk away from him and his family if this is how they feel about you, how they talk about you and to you. You need to heal, and being verbally abused by your primary abusers family is not going to help. You have reached out, and stated your case to them. They responded and it wasn't appropriate or healthy. So now it is time for you to take care of yourself. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The more you contact them and attempt to contact him, the more they will speak and think badly of you. It won't matter to them your intentions or your true feelings. Please find a way to move on and away from this toxic family. You deserve so much better, you deserve people in your life who will be supportive of you and what you are going through. </p>
<p> </p>
<p><span>I would gently suggest though, that if you keep holding on to your dream of being with him, and you keep trying to make it work out somehow, you could put him and yourself both in a very dangerous situation. At this point, if he can walk away from you, he may be able to get help, or somehow change. But he won't be able to change with you in his life. That was something that was hard for me to accept about my abuser. No matter what, he would always be abusive to me. And the longer I stuck around, the longer I tried to hold on to the hope that he would change, the longer both of us would be unhappy. I wanted him to have another chance at having a healthy life, and potentially healthy relationship. I didn't want things to get any worse between us. He was threatening to kill DD and I. If he did that, then he would likely live out his life in prison. As much as I feel that he needs help, I didn't want him to have to get it because he wasn't able to maintain control of himself and ended up with murder charges. That would have hurt so many people in both of our families. So please, also think about him, what is best for him? No amount of love that you have for him will change him. He needs you out of his life as much as you need him out of yours. </span><img alt="hug2.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug2.gif"> I am in no way saying that his actions are your fault at all. Just that the history and long standing dynamics of your relationship with him are unlikely to ever change.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I know you are hurting and seeking closure. I would encourage you to walk away from him and his family if this is how they feel about you, how they talk about you and to you. You need to heal, and being verbally abused by your primary abusers family is not going to help. You have reached out, and stated your case to them. They responded and it wasn't appropriate or healthy. So now it is time for you to take care of yourself. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The more you contact them and attempt to contact him, the more they will speak and think badly of you. It won't matter to them your intentions or your true feelings. Please find a way to move on and away from this toxic family. You deserve so much better, you deserve people in your life who will be supportive of you and what you are going through. </p>
Joined
·
4,535 Posts
<p>I can understand how you're feeling. I dated a man who would think it's ok to call me horrible things, raise his hand to me, etc. When I tried to break it off he wouldn't "release me" and would go tell everyone how I cheated and did horrible things and turned everyone around me against me. I know how it can feel to have every in your life turn against you and run to the abuser without even considering your point of view.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I know it's hard because you want a support network to help you through such a difficult time but you are going to have to let them go. I think you did not only the right thing, but something that was really difficult to do. My XH was bad enough I had debated whether to file police reports and I couldn't do it. I agree with the PPs in that he isn't showing any real desire to change; just blame you (which is common for abusers). I would work to accept this, mourn the relationship, and move on.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="width:22px;height:15px;"></span></p>
<p> </p>
<p>I know it's hard because you want a support network to help you through such a difficult time but you are going to have to let them go. I think you did not only the right thing, but something that was really difficult to do. My XH was bad enough I had debated whether to file police reports and I couldn't do it. I agree with the PPs in that he isn't showing any real desire to change; just blame you (which is common for abusers). I would work to accept this, mourn the relationship, and move on.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="width:22px;height:15px;"></span></p>
Joined
·
1,880 Posts
<p>deleted.</p>
Joined
·
2,916 Posts
<p>I totally agree, his SIL had no right to speak to you that way. And the only reason why I said you had tried to contact him was because you mentioned writing him a letter. Maybe I misunderstood and you didn't write it to send but more as a cathartic letter for your own personal growth. </p>
Joined
·
1,880 Posts
<p><span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="width:22px;height:15px;"></span> Gen thank you for your support. I think I was just shocked to be blamed again and be told all these horrible things. I guess it just shows me the truth of these people. I don't care that they go to church everyweekend. They support a man that is incredibly abusive and refuse to admit that he has a problem.</p>
<p>I keep trying to be strong, but the more that people point the finger at me the harder that is. My own family does this as well. So it just feels like blame is coming in all directions. Seriously I don't know how much more I can handle from anyone. </p>
<p>I keep trying to be strong, but the more that people point the finger at me the harder that is. My own family does this as well. So it just feels like blame is coming in all directions. Seriously I don't know how much more I can handle from anyone. </p>
Joined
·
5,234 Posts
<p>What a hurtful thing for her to say. One thing I've noticed is that the families of abusers often totally enable or stand by the abuser. It's like the same messed up dynamic that produced the abuser also influenced the family members.</p>
<p>The abuse was not your fault. It's never okay for anyone to physically assault someone, or threaten to kill someone, or threaten to kill their child, for god's sake. His sister was wrong to say those things to you.</p>
<p>You didn't ruin his life. He committed a violent crime against you, and he's paying the penalty.</p>
<p>The abuse was not your fault. It's never okay for anyone to physically assault someone, or threaten to kill someone, or threaten to kill their child, for god's sake. His sister was wrong to say those things to you.</p>
<p>You didn't ruin his life. He committed a violent crime against you, and he's paying the penalty.</p>
Joined
·
1,892 Posts
<p>They are blaming you because they won't blame him. They sound like enablers to him and you didn't deserve to be treated that way. As far as how to deal with it, I would just cut them out of your life. It may sound harsh, but they obviously have no concern for your feelings. Sorry that you had to listen to all that garbage.</p>
Joined
·
2,916 Posts
<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Sativarain1</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1281179/how-do-i-respond-or-deal-with-this#post_16067188"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p><span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="width:22px;height:15px;"></span> Gen thank you for your support. I think I was just shocked to be blamed again and be told all these horrible things. I guess it just shows me the truth of these people. I don't care that they go to church everyweekend. They support a man that is incredibly abusive and refuse to admit that he has a problem.</p>
<p>I keep trying to be strong, but the more that people point the finger at me the harder that is. My own family does this as well. So it just feels like blame is coming in all directions. Seriously I don't know how much more I can handle from anyone. </p>
</div>
</div>
<p><br>
Val - You are very welcome. You have been through so much and I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself and taking action against him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Your last sentence concerns me. I'm probably very sensitive given what has happened recently in my life. But if you need someone to talk with feel free to contact me. If you aren't getting support where you are, then consider going to a different place to start over. You mentioned a nearby community at one point. I understand how a person can feel overwhelmed by everything and not sure that they can take any more, pain or help. But please, reach out for help. Don't reach out for help in a place where you know you won't find it, such as him or his family or even your own. And if I am way off the mark here, then that is wonderful too. I am just one of many who want to see you get through this to a good place. </p>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Sativarain1</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1281179/how-do-i-respond-or-deal-with-this#post_16067188"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p><span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="width:22px;height:15px;"></span> Gen thank you for your support. I think I was just shocked to be blamed again and be told all these horrible things. I guess it just shows me the truth of these people. I don't care that they go to church everyweekend. They support a man that is incredibly abusive and refuse to admit that he has a problem.</p>
<p>I keep trying to be strong, but the more that people point the finger at me the harder that is. My own family does this as well. So it just feels like blame is coming in all directions. Seriously I don't know how much more I can handle from anyone. </p>
</div>
</div>
<p><br>
Val - You are very welcome. You have been through so much and I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself and taking action against him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Your last sentence concerns me. I'm probably very sensitive given what has happened recently in my life. But if you need someone to talk with feel free to contact me. If you aren't getting support where you are, then consider going to a different place to start over. You mentioned a nearby community at one point. I understand how a person can feel overwhelmed by everything and not sure that they can take any more, pain or help. But please, reach out for help. Don't reach out for help in a place where you know you won't find it, such as him or his family or even your own. And if I am way off the mark here, then that is wonderful too. I am just one of many who want to see you get through this to a good place. </p>
Joined
·
2,184 Posts
Secondary wounding is terrible. She clearly does not understand the dynamics of abuse. I'm sorry you had to hear those things from her but I am thankful you can see her words for what they truly are.<br><br>
Joined
·
16,116 Posts
<p>:hug</p>
<p>and ITA with mamajen<br>
</p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>*MamaJen*</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1281179/how-do-i-respond-or-deal-with-this#post_16067237"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>What a hurtful thing for her to say. One thing I've noticed is that the families of abusers often totally enable or stand by the abuser. It's like the same messed up dynamic that produced the abuser also influenced the family members.</p>
<p>The abuse was not your fault. It's never okay for anyone to physically assault someone, or threaten to kill someone, or threaten to kill their child, for god's sake. His sister was wrong to say those things to you.</p>
<p>You didn't ruin his life. He committed a violent crime against you, and he's paying the penalty.</p>
</div>
</div>
<p><br>
</p>
<p>and ITA with mamajen<br>
</p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>*MamaJen*</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1281179/how-do-i-respond-or-deal-with-this#post_16067237"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>What a hurtful thing for her to say. One thing I've noticed is that the families of abusers often totally enable or stand by the abuser. It's like the same messed up dynamic that produced the abuser also influenced the family members.</p>
<p>The abuse was not your fault. It's never okay for anyone to physically assault someone, or threaten to kill someone, or threaten to kill their child, for god's sake. His sister was wrong to say those things to you.</p>
<p>You didn't ruin his life. He committed a violent crime against you, and he's paying the penalty.</p>
</div>
</div>
<p><br>
</p>
Joined
·
6,345 Posts
<p>I'm sorry they're so blind. 
That hurts. I'm feeling similar vibes from my STBX's family, and have told my mom off when she starts saying things like "Maybe he's just upset because..." or "He's probably just doing that because..." UM. Does that matter? I guess it's to be expected because if STBX's family wasn't like that, NEITHER WOULD HE BE. It takes a family of enablers to create a monster out of a jerk. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Once I went to a soccer scrimmage. It wasn't even a real game. Just a bunch of guys getting together to kick a ball around. There was this guy that showed up late with his mom, dad, and little brother. Picture a nice breezy Saturday afternoon, and out of nowhere this guy starts playing kind of dirty. They had a referee who yellow-carded him. A few minutes later, he BIT an opponent, and got red-carded. He starts cussing out the ref. His whole family is yelling and justifying his actions. It was crazy.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There was absolutely NO way anyone would ever need to BITE another person during a soccer game, much less at something like this, yet his family totally stood behind him. I was thinking it must be hard-wired into people to support abusers and blame the victim. A basic instinct of some sort that people, for whatever reason, fail to overcome. Just like how sharks smell blood.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hang in there. It feels so cruddy when other people accept his version of reality. But somewhere deep down, they probably know the truth.</p>
That hurts. I'm feeling similar vibes from my STBX's family, and have told my mom off when she starts saying things like "Maybe he's just upset because..." or "He's probably just doing that because..." UM. Does that matter? I guess it's to be expected because if STBX's family wasn't like that, NEITHER WOULD HE BE. It takes a family of enablers to create a monster out of a jerk. </p><p> </p>
<p>Once I went to a soccer scrimmage. It wasn't even a real game. Just a bunch of guys getting together to kick a ball around. There was this guy that showed up late with his mom, dad, and little brother. Picture a nice breezy Saturday afternoon, and out of nowhere this guy starts playing kind of dirty. They had a referee who yellow-carded him. A few minutes later, he BIT an opponent, and got red-carded. He starts cussing out the ref. His whole family is yelling and justifying his actions. It was crazy.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There was absolutely NO way anyone would ever need to BITE another person during a soccer game, much less at something like this, yet his family totally stood behind him. I was thinking it must be hard-wired into people to support abusers and blame the victim. A basic instinct of some sort that people, for whatever reason, fail to overcome. Just like how sharks smell blood.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hang in there. It feels so cruddy when other people accept his version of reality. But somewhere deep down, they probably know the truth.</p>
Joined
·
4,411 Posts
<p><span><img alt="grouphug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="width:41px;height:25px;"></span></p>
<p> </p>
<p>She was SOOO wrong. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She was SOOO wrong. </p>
Joined
·
3,697 Posts
<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Sativarain1</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1281179/how-do-i-respond-or-deal-with-this#post_16067188"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-right:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-bottom:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>I guess it just shows me the truth of these people. I don't care that they go to church everyweekend. They support a man that is incredibly abusive and refuse to admit that he has a problem.</p>
</div>
</div>
<p> </p>
<p>You're very right about this...As painful a phone call as it was, and as WRONG as she was to blame you for any of this, you're being given an opportunity to see what kind of person she really is. Not that it excuses anything, but perhaps it helps to understand that it's much easier for her to blame you than her own family member, and she probably feels so insecure about herself that it's the reason why she looks down on you (and probably a whole bunch of other people). Still, I'm sorry you had to go through that.</p>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Sativarain1</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1281179/how-do-i-respond-or-deal-with-this#post_16067188"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-right:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-bottom:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>I guess it just shows me the truth of these people. I don't care that they go to church everyweekend. They support a man that is incredibly abusive and refuse to admit that he has a problem.</p>
</div>
</div>
<p> </p>
<p>You're very right about this...As painful a phone call as it was, and as WRONG as she was to blame you for any of this, you're being given an opportunity to see what kind of person she really is. Not that it excuses anything, but perhaps it helps to understand that it's much easier for her to blame you than her own family member, and she probably feels so insecure about herself that it's the reason why she looks down on you (and probably a whole bunch of other people). Still, I'm sorry you had to go through that.</p>
Joined
·
1,880 Posts
<p>deleted.</p>
Joined
·
3,697 Posts
<p>It's easier to rage and point the finger than to be helpful and supportive.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Stay away from toxic and abusive people, especially right now. Your counselling starts soon right? It'll be good to have something like that in your life.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Stay away from toxic and abusive people, especially right now. Your counselling starts soon right? It'll be good to have something like that in your life.</p>
Joined
·
4,488 Posts
<p>i'm sorry. your aunt sounds scared, and i've read about similar comments from family members of others on this board - they think they are being helpful and telling you what you need to hear, but it's actually tearing you down, to be chastised and shamed like that. people just don't understand how to be supportive. i'm sorry she spoke to you that way.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>have you been in touch with the dv shelter? or are you talking with anyone else irl who does understand? if local resources aren't good, what about a national hotline?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>i think i remember you said you can't leave because of court dates. when will you be free to relocate? could you move away but make court appearances by phone? i'm just thinking that if the local resources and the family/friends you have in the area are not able to support you, it could be a good idea to start over someplace new. (((hugs)))</p>
<p> </p>
<p>have you been in touch with the dv shelter? or are you talking with anyone else irl who does understand? if local resources aren't good, what about a national hotline?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>i think i remember you said you can't leave because of court dates. when will you be free to relocate? could you move away but make court appearances by phone? i'm just thinking that if the local resources and the family/friends you have in the area are not able to support you, it could be a good idea to start over someplace new. (((hugs)))</p>
Joined
·
4,535 Posts
<p>I'm sorry to hear you aren't getting any support IRL. I know that really helped me a lot. <span><img alt="hug2.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug2.gif" style="width:38px;height:16px;"> I don't know why people always seem to blame the women and not the abuser.<span><img alt="dizzy.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="width:25px;height:25px;"> I had stuff like that from my own parents even. Not as bad but they said they see his side. I can see his side too but the "cause" of his actions is his responsibility.</span></span></p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
Joined
·
1,880 Posts
<p>Thank you ladies. After a walk in the brisk cold today I feel a little better. Screw what other people think. They were NOT there, they did not endure his rage or abuse and at the end of the day, it's their opinion and that does NOT equal the truth. I am trying to not let their personalized words mean so much to me, it was hurtful and mean spirited but I know the truth so it doesn't matter.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> <span><img alt="grouphug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="width:41px;height:25px;"></span></p>
<p> </p>
<p> <span><img alt="grouphug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="width:41px;height:25px;"></span></p>
1 - 20 of 26 Posts
Join the discussion
Join now to ask and comment!