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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Said from a neighbor.. Your mom is mean I never have to keep my room clean I'm not comming over here again. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br>
Which ended up with my confused DD in tears.<br>
The latest incident a neighbor came over to play hes 6 almost 7 DD just turned 5 they went upstairs to play the played and then DD came down and asked if they could play hungry hungry hippos. I said yes and when I brought up the game reminded her that when they were done they needed to make sure it was put up so the marbles wouldn't get lost. Thats it... then like 5 mintues latter I hear this comment. The thing is he says this a lot DD room is almost always clean minus what shes currently playing with but not because I have some unreasonable rule she is just naturally neat.. (unlike me <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">) and yes I keep a clean home but hardly anal about it. I've alos been over to his home the kids room is really messy but overall the house is about as clean as mine (given the fact there are more kids in there family) Anyways what would you say if anything?<br><br>
D
 

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I would say that the neighbor kid is a snot and not really invite him to come over and play. Interactions with him can be for outside when all the neighborhood kids play together.<br><br><br><br>
I would correct the child though..."Hey ____, that's a rude thing to say about me and we don't speak rudely to each other here." I'm not sure I would bring it up now....just if he were to say something rude again.<br><br>
Nothin' like someone bad talking your mom though....hugs to your DD!
 

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I don't think you can bring it up now but at the time, I totally would have intervened and told him that what he said was rude and that we don't talk like that in our house.
 

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Of course it's reasonable to ask kids to pick up a game after they have gotten it out. It sounds like that child is not very shy or is very comfortable in your home to be able to vent his feelings like that--it is something my kids might say to me but not to anyone else. It is just the immature comment of a child, and I wouldn't worry about it. I am betting he will want to come back again, so your daughter will see that his threat was empty air.<br><br>
My kids often don't like cleaning up, but we later realize that we can't find pieces to toys, games, etc. if we don't keep up with stuff. It sounds like you explained that. If we are never "mean" to our kids in this way--that is, if we never ask them to help out around the house or to follow any structure, etc.--I think that they actually become more insecure and unhappy.<br><br>
On the flip side of this, we keep a fairly tidy house (we're also not anal about it), while a friend of ours has an extremely messy house most of the time (including pet mess, smell, food left around, etc.). Two of my children have confided to me that although the family has lots of fun videogames, etc., they feel pretty uncomfortable at their house because they never know what they are going to step on, and that it is kind of "gross." But they would never say that to their friends, thank goodness.
 

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Yeah, I would gently call him on it and then mention to HIS mother it came up in conversation.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> We're certainly not tidy folks but my kids do mention that their friends are messy.
 

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BusyMommy;9823054<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> We're certainly not tidy folks but my kids do mention that their friends are messy.[/QUOTE said:
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I remember telling my Mom that a certain neighbor's house was 'really full'....meaning cluttered and messy but in a kid's vocabulary. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Nousername</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9822561"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">On the flip side of this, we keep a fairly tidy house (we're also not anal about it), while a friend of ours has an extremely messy house most of the time (including pet mess, smell, food left around, etc.). Two of my children have confided to me that although the family has lots of fun videogames, etc., they feel pretty uncomfortable at their house because they never know what they are going to step on, and that it is kind of "gross." But they would never say that to their friends, thank goodness.</div>
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You're not talking about my house by any chance are you? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">:
 

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Well, if it were in the moment, I think I would probably tell him it was time to go home. But now that it's after the fact, I would let it go. As a pp said, they were the words of child in the heat of the moment. They don't deserve a big reaction. I definitely wouldn't discuss it with his mother-- the behavior wasn't bad enough to merit that, and it would be an awfully awkward conversation ("Your son says I'm mean because our house is neater than yours..." <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/duck.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Duck"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
If this were normal behavior for this kid, I might not have him over again real soon, but if he's usually a good kid, I'd chalk it up to a bad day and just move forward.<br><br>
ZM
 

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Oh I feel you on having kids over and being struck by the things they say... ick.<br><br>
I'm in the Call Him On It Gently camp.<br><br>
Our little neighbor girl used to like coming over to play. Dd is 3, and she is 5 and dd has a craft corner and nice wooden toys, and we're creative and are down with messes... I watched them play one day and the things she was modeling (dramatic play; playing house...) were horrifying. At one point, she was saying to dd "You not nice, you mean, and not nice... you mom is gonna havta spank you! Get in that chair, and be QUIET!!" I intervened and said, "KL, we don't use words like that, nor do we treat each other like that in our house... We are loving and respectful. I hope you will be respectful, because otherwise you will not be invited back." She yelled in my face that I'm mean and she would never come over agin... I thought, "Good."<br><br>
Also, maybe the next time you're with dd and him and his mom, outside or whatev, mention it off the cuff... "So apparently, your ds is pretty convinced I am an evil dictator..." lol. He'll get a bit embarassed maybe, and his mom will get a snap-shot of how jr. acts at other people's homes...
 

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You said this is the latest incident. Has this boy been rude before?<br><br>
I think I would have said that every family has different rules and that he is welcome to come over but he has to follow the rules at your house if he wants to play.<br><br>
What did you say to him? Did he end up going home?<br><br>
If you didn't say anything to him, I wouldn' say anything now. But I would say something if you hear him talking like that again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">You said this is the latest incident. Has this boy been rude before?</td>
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Oh yea we live in apartments so unless I lock my child in our home and not allow anyone over they are going to interact.. I try my best to make it here where I can better controll the enviroment. Hes a good kid but has a mouth (know his parents and it wouldn't be suprising <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br>
At this incident I really didn't have time to say anything I just tried to calm my DD down.. I also wont bring this up again but wanted to know how I address these comments when they come up.
 

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I'm not sure I would confront the boy about it, even in the moment, unless my child showed distress about it at the moment. I'm a little unclear whether your DD got upset while the boy was there or after he left. Anyway, if it was while he was there, I would try to focus on my DD's feelings about the comment rather on the "rudeness" of the boy. I think telling him he's rude and we don't allow that kind of behavior in our homes shames him, which is not good for his psyche. An interaction with your DD validating her feelings in front of this boy would do a lot more good in getting him to recognize that his words were hurtful rather than telling him he's rude, imo.
 

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i don't know what i'd do. when my 3.5 yo dd and i went to visit a family friend who has twin 10 year olds, and they're both super messy in their rooms but the rest of the house is clean....it was almost funny as my dd went with the 10 yr old girl to her room and i heard her when she walked in tell her, "You'd better clean up your room, or you're gonna get in trouble!" i about died! my dd never "gets in trouble," she just understands that if you do not clean stuff up, then you trip on it and fall and that hurts, so we clean up toys. it's hard when they're that age and tired and unfocused though where they go from one toy to the next every 2 minutes for an hour before bed sometimes, but i still hold my dd responsible for helping me pick up toys. If she's super tired, I get more cooperation from her by making a game out of cleaning up or helping her to do it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MarineWife</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9829912"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I'm not sure I would confront the boy about it, even in the moment, unless my child showed distress about it at the moment. I'm a little unclear whether your DD got upset while the boy was there or after he left. Anyway, if it was while he was there, I would try to focus on my DD's feelings about the comment rather on the "rudeness" of the boy. I think telling him he's rude and we don't allow that kind of behavior in our homes shames him, which is not good for his psyche. An interaction with your DD validating her feelings in front of this boy would do a lot more good in getting him to recognize that his words were hurtful rather than telling him he's rude, imo.</div>
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She got upset both when he said the comment and when he left. I deffiently don't want to shame him and we do the validating he doesn't get it... I'm just trying to figure out how I set a boundry my DD does NOT need to keep hearing these comments especially in the safety of her home at the same time I'm not his parent and I find myself at a loss for how much do I intervine...
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>octobermom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9822089"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Said from a neighbor.. Your mom is mean I never have to keep my room clean I'm not comming over here again. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:</div>
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I'd have responded "You won't be invited over here again if you are going to be rude." and given him a chance to apologize or a chance to leave.<br><br>
but I'm mean like that
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>octobermom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9830936"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">She got upset both when he said the comment and when he left. I deffiently don't want to shame him and we do the validating he doesn't get it... I'm just trying to figure out how I set a boundry my DD does NOT need to keep hearing these comments especially in the safety of her home at the same time I'm not his parent and I find myself at a loss for how much do I intervine...</div>
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Your job is not to teach other people's children how to behave. It's only to care for your dd, as you know. In this case, I would continue to validate dd's feelings. Have you asked your dd what she would like to do, if anything, about it? She may have some great ideas that you haven't thought of. Since you validate you know that it's not a quick fix and the goal is not to stop whatever is happening so it doesn't really matter if he recognizably gets it or not. Maybe you could talk to the boy in a validating way about why he says such things. Non-threateningly and without judgement ask him why he thinks a clean room equals a mean mom. Or, repeat back to him something like, "You think I am mean because dd's room is clean," and then just see where he goes with it. If necessary for the protection of my child, as a last resort I would not allow the boy into my home again. If that means that the two kids don't play together, that's ok.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Your job is not to teach other people's children how to behave.</td>
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I agree and that where I'm trying to figure out where I draw the line.. We deal with similiar stuff from him all the time. Its outside as well..
 

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"We keep things cleaned up so that we have more room to play with the next toy. Everyone helps, because many hands make for light work. That is the rules in our house.<br><br>
DD likes her room the way it is, and that is okay. If you keep your room a different way, that is your business.<br><br>
DD, you don't need to be spoken to like that. If you don't like it, you just tell him so. You say, I don't like it when you speak to me that way. You can leave if you won't play with me nicely. "<br><br>
I like to give simple reasons, and I also like to give my children the words to use to empower themselves in a situation.<br><br>
I'm the meany around here. Apparently, the other Mom's on the block clean up after the kids altogether, and the kids never have to so much as pick up a anything after themselves.<br><br>
I expect my children to help. When the kids on the block started coming over and literally dumping crap all over my house in an orgy of toy throwing....well after the third time I started getting a tad testy about it. I mean, every freaking toy, all the clothing, etc all over the damn place. They were having to move FLOORS to have enough room to continue to play. Two floors actually. After wreaking havoc on two floors to the point that they couldn't play anywhere I was pretty unhappy the third time.<br><br>
I am far far far from a neat freak. Ask my DH - he's got lots of opinions about it.<br><br>
You'd be doing your daughter and this little boy a favour in not letting them think that it is okay.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>zeldamomma</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9824127"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Well, if it were in the moment, I think I would probably tell him it was time to go home. But now that it's after the fact, I would let it go. As a pp said, they were the words of child in the heat of the moment. They don't deserve a big reaction. I definitely wouldn't discuss it with his mother-- the behavior wasn't bad enough to merit that, and it would be an awfully awkward conversation ("Your son says I'm mean because our house is neater than yours..." <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/duck.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Duck"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
If this were normal behavior for this kid, I might not have him over again real soon, but if he's usually a good kid, I'd chalk it up to a bad day and just move forward.<br><br>
ZM</div>
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I agree. I would so not make a big deal over that. Especially if was the end of a long play session and the children were getting tired and/or hungry. In fact, if I heard that, I might say "It's a pain to clean up sometimes, but let me help you and then let's have a little snack" or something. Or I might just say "You guys are done for today, let me help you pick up and then you can go on home. We'll see you tomorrow" if I were really bothered. I think cutting small children slack goes a long way in showing our patience and acceptance for imperfect moments. It's not like we are all raising perfect angels who will never feel cranky. I mean, these are *little* children who are learning to manage their world and their emotions. Lets not make mountains out of molehills. A comment by a cranky, done-for-the-day all of 5 year old child doesn't mean we have to rethink our whole lifestyle. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
I am always surprised, but also saddened by how some of us can so easily write off small children who make mistakes. "That two year old is big bully!" I mean, when we report that out children were treated badly by someone in the mall playground, we're all over how awful and 'innappropriate' that adult was. I think we can all learn to show a bit more kindness towards a child.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I am always surprised, but also saddened by how some of us can so easily write off small children who make mistakes. "That two year old is big bully!" I mean, when we report that out children were treated badly by someone in the mall playground, we're all over how awful and 'innappropriate' that adult was. I think we can all learn to show a bit more kindness towards a child.</td>
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sigh.. I'm not trying to write off small children for making mistakes and I didn't go all blastic over this one comment. At the same time we deal wit hthis over and over and over again. I know hes modeled a lot of this with his own family not a lot of stability and parents who are more concerned with partying than being with there kids <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">. I'm soo NOT tryingto be the bad guy but we deal with..<br>
Him knocking at our door constanty if I or my DD say she can't play for whatever reason he yells that hes never comming over again and that shes stupid. If DD goes outside he'll often come up to her shove something in her face and tell her HA you can't come play with me.. (then invite her a second latter) IF he asks for something and I say no he tells me that he can do XY and home and then turns to my DD and announces hes going home and shes not invited. He'll come drag his sister away if shes over playing and he has decided he doesn't want that.<br>
I've opened up my home I provide most of these kids lunches even though we can't afford it cause I know the junk they are fed at home. I try to be as friendly and open my home to his mother who strikes me as imature more than a "bad" mother. I ahve to work with them in the sense that were in apartments and share common areas and even a wall (that he will scream through to mock others). I can often see though his "tough guy" exterior and see a littl boy just tryingto fit in.. SO please don't think I 'm like OMG this kid is horrible. I do at the same time need to make my home safe for my own child. SHE doesn't need to hear how I'm mean shes stupid ugly a "player" that hes gong to tell all the kids not to play with her and all that.
 
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