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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I feel like I'm frequently on the verge of losing it with my dd these days. She cries and whines a lot and I feel like I don't know how to deal with it anymore. My ds needs to be held almost all the time. I'm sleep deprived and emotionally exhausted. When my dh comes home from work 30 minutes late I'm ready to cry. I'm not getting more than the basics done around the house and I'm embarrassed about the toys everywhere and the crumbs on the floor. Is this just a temporary thing? Does it get easier when they're a little older? Have I just not found the right system to get more organized and feel happier? Ugh.
 

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Sling, sling, sling.<br><br>
With a baby in a sling you can:<br><br>
Vacuum,<br>
Sweep,<br>
Empty the dishwasher,<br>
Put toys in baskets<br><br>
It's slow but at least something gets done. And if you older dd is still nursing...well she cant whine if she's nursing <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/duck.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Duck">: .<br><br>
The only way I can nurse my dd (7mo) to sleep is if my ds is also nursing. Otherwise he is eating Gatorade powder, taking eggs out of the fridge, peeling all the bananas, or dipping his cars in greasy water<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: .
 

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Honestly, I think it just takes time to get into a groove. My dd2 was born in August and dd1 in 04 and I only now feel like I'm not floundering every day. So give it time, you'll get there. Let the little things slide for now, the toys on floor, the crumbs, don't let it make you crazy. As long as everyone is relatively sane at the end of the day, it's a good day. At least, that's my motto!
 

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It does get easier! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I'll just post some ideas that I used which helped.<br><br>
I put together a 'nursing box' so when the baby is nursing lots and the older child gets cranky or restless, the nursing box comes out with some fresh and novel toys that are special just for her.<br><br>
I used body language. Even if I didn't feel like it, I always tried to keep an arm free for DS1 to come and cuddle whenever I nursed the baby. I invited him to come for snuggles about 1million times a day (each time the baby nursed). I believe this helped him feel a part of things and less clingy or needy. My bonding process with the new baby was different than it was for DS1. First, I felt bad for DS1 that there was this new 'stranger' living with us. Then, when that feeling wore off, I started almost resenting DS1 in a weird way and then felt guilty because he was getting on my nerves compared to the baby. Holding my arm out like that helped me remember to love on him through that tough spell. It passes! It all equals out in the end and then they both simultaneously drive me nuts and break my heart with love and tenderness.<br><br>
Painting. I let him express himself and make a huge mess with washable paints while I was busy with the baby. I'd set him up at the kitchen table and just let him go nuts. I got really good at cleaning it all up quickly and it gave me a good excuse to wipe down the kitchen table and floor each day because I couldn't leave all that paint all over the place. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Daily outings if at all possible. We found a play-group at the rec centre nearby and would go almost every morning. Being out helped the house stay neat because we weren't there to mess it up. I got some nursing/snuggling time with the baby while DS1 got time to play and be entertained with other kids. Plus it tired him out enough that we could often all have naps together in the afternoons *bliss*.<br><br>
Good luck! It will most certainly get easier as time goes by and you all find your groove. Remember, *all* of you are adjusting to big changes!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks to all three of you for your advice. I do find that wearing ds really helps. I just have to remember to put him in the wrap or sling at home more often. It's good to know that other mamas have had a hard time finding the groove, but that it eventually comes. I'm going to try to hold out my arm to dd more often. Maybe I just need to give her lots of extra love even when I'm feeling frustrated.
 

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Aside from the pragmatic advice you've already been given--I can't stress enough how important it is to remind yourself that this too will pass, and that the needs level will probably not stay this intense.<br><br>
I think that as moms, and especially SAHM but in an intense but different way as WOHM, we get a lot of pressure to have the picture perfect blissful parenting life that is idealized in our culture. We also have an odd pressure to be full of our own interests, cheerful and fun companions to our partners, to have a rousing social life, ect. To be blunt, for most people that just doesn't happen when you have young children in the house, especially more than one together.<br><br>
I think the strongest coping tool that a parent can have is chosen contentment, and the ability to recognize that change will come in its own time and is inevitable.<br><br>
I felt like you describe when I had a 17 month old and newborn twins. I seriously even worried about my sanity for awhile. I felt like an absolute failure as a mother and woman, because I didn't keep a tidy house, not even close, and I didn't go out on date nights with my husband, I hardly even interacted with him beyond handing him children and crying for a time. I was totally touched out from nursing and caring for 3, and I even had his near-full-time participation in that as well.<br><br>
However, a wise person suggested I look at parenting and life in general as seasons. Caring for a young toddler and two babies was very much the winter for me (I don't enjoy newborn stages as much as many of you here do though). I started seeing Spring once the boys hit 18 months. Now that the boys are 3.5 and my daughter is 5, I'm having the time of my life.<br><br>
It will be hard for a time. You'll have the opportunity to reasess in 6 month intervals, I've found. You may not like the next stage either (I think everyone hits 'spring' and 'summer' differently), but it'll be a change. And the more experience you've got under your belt, the easier it is to deal with things, at least in my experience.<br><br>
Do the essentials, forgive the rest.
 

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let go of getting "things" done. you can have a clean house later (in a few years!) and just be with your kids. boil it down to what NEEDS to be done today. usually what NEEDS to be done is like a load of diapers and maybe a sink of dishes in order to function. those two things will take about 10 minutes. then you have all day to play, change diapers, or whatever and not worry about it.<br><br>
embrace the chaos of young children. laugh about the chaos. a few times a day, with your toddler, just start laughing hard for no reason. he/she will join in. then you will find yourself really laughing. its so great and freeing to feel that.<br><br>
my number one tip: GET OUT OF THE HOUSE every day. even if its just going to the library or the store or a walk around the block. do not sit around the house all day in your pjs. you can do this every once in a while and then it feels like a treat rather than just "bleah, i'm gross"
 

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Tigerchild's reply - the whole blasted thing - was inspired brilliance IMHO.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bow2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bow2"><br><br>
I have a 2 YO DD and I'm due in March, yet, reading her reply brings back that newborn experience like it was yesterday. And though it sort of spooks me to think about reliving that with a toddler, I will try to refer back to her sage wisdom when I get overwhelmed.
 

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I could have written your post a couple of months ago. I sometimes feel like that now, but it has gotten a lot better. I have a 2 year old and my baby is 5 months. What has really helped me is actually the opposite of what everyone else said. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy"><br><br>
I got into a better cleaning/decluttering routine. Now as soon as the babe goes down for her midmorning nap, my toddler and I clean together. She LOVES it! She even gets upset if I try to swish the toilet quickly without her. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Since we get most of the chores done in the morning, it's easier to keep up with for the rest of the day. More importantly, my stress level is much lower and my mood much better when the house is tidy and I feel like I've accomplished something. And when I'm happy, they're usually happy. Usually.<br><br>
The baby spends a lot of time on my back throughout the day.<br><br>
Similar to what others have said, whenever I'm on the couch nursing the babe I'm usually reading to my toddler snuggled up next to me.<br><br>
Hang in there!! We will too! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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It gets better!!<br>
I've got a nearly 3 yr old and a 9 mo old and I felt very similar after DS2 was born and up until he was about 5 mos old. Dont; worry about the house and just be with the babies. Now I thinking about adding #3!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br>
hugs to you--I've been there!!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"> It is very tough!
 

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I feel your pain. ds2 is 3 months (ds1 is 3 yrs) and I'm JUST NOW feeling like I can handle it. Adding a new baby to the mix is so hard. I was so happy to read your post because it confirmed that I'm not the only one having a hard time.<br><br>
My poor house is a disaster. I can barely keep up with the basics much less anything extra. I do the dishes and the laundry daily, and I try to sweep/mop and vac once a week. Everything else is pretty infrequent.<br><br>
The things that help:<br>
I sling ds2 A LOT<br>
I bought a ton of crafty things at Michaels for ds1 to work on when I can't actively play with him (stickers, glue stick, color pencils, etc...)<br>
When ds2 is sleeping, I try not to jump right into the house stuff, I try to make an effort to sit with him for at least 15 mins uninterupted.<br><br>
Good luck, and it will get easier.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thank you so much for your replies. Just knowing that other mamas have had the same feelings helps. I've tried to have an attitude change the past couple of days and it has helped. I'm trying to relax about the house and other stressors. Dh suggested that I take a half hour walk alone when he gets home from work each day and I'm going to do that (when it stops raining here!)
 

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thank you for writing this post, I still feel this way and for some reason it's gotten worse lately. I do let the house go and I think w/o getting things cleaned up/decluttered I just have so much mental and emotional clutter too. Poor DS drives me batty and it does seem like he tries to get more attention when I am having to take care of DD. DH is being super sweet most of the time by not getting on my case about the house, and by taking both kids as soon as he gets home just to let me have 30 min. by myself. I guess it's just good to know that it does get better.
 

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I needed this thread too - I have a 2.5 year old a 7 mo old and I'm pregnant. Some days I'm really dreaming of chucking them in day care and going to work....
 

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Well, I would say about 50% of the days I'm about ready to totally give up and run for the hills and the other 50% I'm totally in there being a super mama. Every day is different! What I try to tell myself is what many other pp's have mentioned-- this too shall pass, and that the laundry/dishes/whatever can wait. Really, it can. It WILL get better. This is about the worst of it-- my babe is three months older than yours and already it's getting easier. Now that my babe and my toddler interact a little more and the babe can entertain herself for a few moments, it's getting SO much better!<br><br>
Hang in there, mama.
 

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What I've learned from having five kids and no help other than a paycheck earned by DH:<br><br>
First: Get the sleep you need. Period. Even (don't flame me) if it means being non AP on occasion. It is EXTREMELY dangerous to get sleep deprived. Most cases of child abuse happen at the hands of a sleep deprived parent. It is as dangerous to drive while sleep deprived as to drive drunk. I had a prof in college who was in a wheelchair forever due to a sleep deprived driver. Would you care for your children while drunk? No! So don't care for them sleep deprived. Get the sleep you need. Find a way. Period.<br><br>
Second: have private time each day. I locked myself in my room for 15 minutes at a time when I needed it,or took a bath with the bathroom door locked each afternoon. This is not a luxury!!! Again, the goal is to get you in good shape so that you can be the best mom you can be!! Just like on the airplane, you must give yourself oxygen first before giving it to a child.<br><br>
Third: hold onto your passions. Remember what you are passionate about. Give time to it each day and if you can't give time to it, give thought to it each day.<br><br>
Fourth: find some kind of spirituality-- anything-- that keeps you a little in touch with things beyond this world. Even if it's just lighting a candle once in a while and staring at it.<br><br>
Fifth: Eat well. Eat nutritious food. When you are able to, take time to prepare it. Eat as much vegan food as your dietary preferences will tolerate.<br><br>
Sixth: put humans before stuff. Don't stress about messes or damaged stuff. Remember to be thankful for the small things like running water, food, clothing, electricity.<br><br>
Seven: listen to music that you like.<br><br>
I hope this helps!!<br><br>
Rules number 1 & 2 are mandatory... the rest is important but not as vital for life and sanity. If you don't get the sleep and private time, you are a train wreck waiting to happen.
 

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I love your rules! We found a magic bullet this morning - ds *loves* baby Einstein. I would walk by and he would just look up and smile - that *never* happens. I'm not above videos for a little peace and quiet. It's the noise that wears me down. Doing better this morning. :-D
 

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I, too could have written the OP.<br><br>
It is getting a little better that DS is getting older, but DH is in training for 16 weeks. That means he is gone from Sun. night till Friday night. We are on week 5, so a quarter of the way done. I try to get out, and I am on a de-cluttering rampage, too. Hugs to all of you mamas that are in the same boat.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy">
 
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