I think it is an evolving process. My DH did not wake up one morning and tell me that he agrees with all that I have been doing (trying to do) with our DD. He still treats her in ways that absolutely irritate me to no end - one example is that he tends to "mock" her if she is being whiny.
But...
I have to look at the bigger picture with DH. He was raised in probably the most non-AP environment you could imagine. His mom is a very difficult woman and totally clueless about what it means to treat ANYBODY in a non-humiliating, respectful way, let alone how to treat a *gasp* CHILD that way. After all, children are literally your property and a 2-year old should grasp that he/she is being rude/disrespectful/non-compliant because they have the cognitive reasoning of a full grown adult!
So I have to look at how far DH has come and remind myself all the time that he used to think spanking would be okay (although he has never laid a finger on DD and would never dream of it now), he used to think long lectures were effective, he used to think "good girl" and "bad girl" were proper descriptions, he used to think breastfeeding was just plain wrong (after all, his mother didn't do it and he turned out fine!), he used to think that a 3-year old slamming the door *knew* she was being rude (now he gets that she's just expressing her anger and while it's okay to correct that, we need to let go of the assumption that she is doing it TO US), etc. etc.
I think that if your DH has gotten this far, he's making wonderful progress and I think it's important for you to remind him of the great things that he is doing rather than being frustrated for the things that are taking longer. I also have had to learn to compromise certain things - DH does not want to co-sleep any longer because DD is constantly flinging herself around the bed and waking us up so we have her in her own bed or she can sleep on a mattress on the floor next to us if she wishes. She sometimes snores pretty loudly so sometimes we have to move her even if she's on the floor. I respect that he doesn't want to co-sleep, that it makes him feel angry with her and that does not promote the attachment that we're trying to build.
I agree to wait until after DH's finals and maybe just talk about some of the ways you want to do things differently. I usually start off by saying, "you know, it occurred to me the other day that DD doesn't understand the expression 'you aren't listening to me'. After all, she is "listening", she's just not "obeying". Maybe we can say something like, "you aren't being cooperative with me" and she'll get the message better." When I phrase things that way, DH is much more willing to listen.
Good luck!
But...
I have to look at the bigger picture with DH. He was raised in probably the most non-AP environment you could imagine. His mom is a very difficult woman and totally clueless about what it means to treat ANYBODY in a non-humiliating, respectful way, let alone how to treat a *gasp* CHILD that way. After all, children are literally your property and a 2-year old should grasp that he/she is being rude/disrespectful/non-compliant because they have the cognitive reasoning of a full grown adult!
So I have to look at how far DH has come and remind myself all the time that he used to think spanking would be okay (although he has never laid a finger on DD and would never dream of it now), he used to think long lectures were effective, he used to think "good girl" and "bad girl" were proper descriptions, he used to think breastfeeding was just plain wrong (after all, his mother didn't do it and he turned out fine!), he used to think that a 3-year old slamming the door *knew* she was being rude (now he gets that she's just expressing her anger and while it's okay to correct that, we need to let go of the assumption that she is doing it TO US), etc. etc.
I think that if your DH has gotten this far, he's making wonderful progress and I think it's important for you to remind him of the great things that he is doing rather than being frustrated for the things that are taking longer. I also have had to learn to compromise certain things - DH does not want to co-sleep any longer because DD is constantly flinging herself around the bed and waking us up so we have her in her own bed or she can sleep on a mattress on the floor next to us if she wishes. She sometimes snores pretty loudly so sometimes we have to move her even if she's on the floor. I respect that he doesn't want to co-sleep, that it makes him feel angry with her and that does not promote the attachment that we're trying to build.
I agree to wait until after DH's finals and maybe just talk about some of the ways you want to do things differently. I usually start off by saying, "you know, it occurred to me the other day that DD doesn't understand the expression 'you aren't listening to me'. After all, she is "listening", she's just not "obeying". Maybe we can say something like, "you aren't being cooperative with me" and she'll get the message better." When I phrase things that way, DH is much more willing to listen.
Good luck!
