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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Okay, this is a weird question, I guess...

I've recently reunited with my mother ffrom whom I'd been estranged for six years. In that time period, a lot has gone on in my life, and one very significant thing was for me to finally admit to myself that I'm bi, something I had known for a long time but had been in complete denial about.

It is sort of a moot point, because I'm happily married to DH, but it is still an important part of who I am. My mother, of course, does not know. And until I tell her, I'll never feel as though she really knows me.

So how do I tell her, after all these years? How do I make her understand how I can be bi while still married to DH? And how can I fight the possibility of the, "Why are you telling me this anyway, it doesn't really matter" reaction?
 

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I just wanted to respond, I'm not sure the best way to tell her especially if you think she will have a problem with it. I also had a hard time telling my mother I was bi, but for diffrent reasons. She was gay, and stupid as it sounds that made it so hard for me to tell her. I finally did and she was happy (a little to happy honestly).

I think being direct and unapolagetic about it is your best bet. Good luck.

Courtney
 

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I dunno if this will help, but I'll share my experience.

I was very direct when I told my mom. I'd been agonizing over it for a while and just wanted to get it out there in the open, since I'd been 'out' with everyone but my family of origin for years.

That was six or seven years ago, and she still doesn't get it. If I bring it up she makes comments like 'Oh, you still feel that way?'
She's always thought/hoped it was a 'phase' or something I was doing for attention.

It sucks. But you know what? There are a lot of other things about me she doesn't get, either. We are just very different people from very different times, and I have come to terms with that. Also, bisexuality is something that many, many people just can't grok, for whatever reason.

I totally understand the desire, the _need_ to have your mom know and understand something as fundamental as your sexuality. And you may be fortunate and have her understand totally and be awesome about it! (My dad was this way
) But try to be prepared for the alternative.

Good luck!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by LunaMom
How do I make her understand how I can be bi while still married to DH? And how can I fight the possibility of the, "Why are you telling me this anyway, it doesn't really matter" reaction?
Wanna practice on me? I just posted a similar question on the "how queer is queer" thread... I came to the QP forum first when I started here, because I'm a lesbian. Over the last few months I've just been floored at how many people here identify as bi, and are married to men. I truely don't understand why it doesn't make it a moot point. NOT that i don't understand that even though you're married to a guy, that you are still attracted to women, but I don't understand about the "need comming out" part. Why is it important for people to know you're attracted to women if your in a marriage?
Everyone in my real life is either a lesbian, or straight. I'd like to be able to understand the bi outlook more. A lot of debate has been going around here about bi's not being accepted by the gay community- I don't feel like I've personally ever been non accepting of anyone- but I will admit I don't totally understand as I've never lived it.
 

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I don't know what's hard to understand about bi. it's the same as being straight or gay. You can't choose who you are attracted to physically. some people, like my mom ONLY like woman and find men repulsive. My dad only like's woman and thinks gay's are going to hell. I on the other hand find myself attracted to men and woman. I have dream's and fantasies about both. Just like any other person has dreams or fantasies about someone else. Those things are beyond our control. it's just how we are made.

besides being bi doesn't limit you to half the population. it lets you see people for who they are inside not what they have between the legs. Isn't taht all love is in the end?? it's about a connection with a person not about a penis or a vagina. YKWIM?

Courtney
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by cmb123
Over the last few months I've just been floored at how many people here identify as bi, and are married to men. I truely don't understand why it doesn't make it a moot point. NOT that i don't understand that even though you're married to a guy, that you are still attracted to women, but I don't understand about the "need comming out" part. Why is it important for people to know you're attracted to women if your in a marriage?
I'm so glad you asked this, and thank you for your honesty. That's exactly the P.O.V. that I have difficulty with. As a lesbian yourself, perhaps you'll understand better if I put it this way - my reasons for needing to "come out" to people are the same as yours would be even if you were unattached and not dating anyone. It's not so much an explanation of behavior, as in, "I need to let you know why I'm holding hands with this woman, and why I don't want to to be set up with your brother-in-law," but rather, "This is who I am and I need people to know so I don't feel like I'm 'passing' as straight."

Another good analogy would be with my religion. I'm a non-observant, non-practicing Jew, but everyone who knows me knows I'm Jewish, and they know well before they come to my house in December and see no Christmas tree!

Being bi means more to me than having TWO reasons to go see "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" :LOL ! It also means that I identify with all the issues related to gay rights and awareness, so I like people to know so they don't unknowingly put their foot in their mouth, like the mom of one of DD's friends who started going on and on about how bisexuals are just afraid to admit they're gay. I wasn't annoyed with her; I actually felt bad that she was making a fool of herself without realizing it. Of course I did gently tell her that I'm bi and then I educated her a little!

Another thing about being bi is that I think it changes how I relate to my women friends. I can't really pinpoint exactly how, but I just think I approach women differently. One thing I've noticed is that I subconsciously never become friends with anyone I find attractive! Not that my friends are unattractive people; they're just not my type! I've tried to be friends with women I was attracted to a couple of times and I just couldn't do it. The same is true for men, although as a mom who only works part-time in female-dominated professions, I tend to come into contact with very few men on a daily basis!

As far as my mother goes, I don't think she would have a problem with it. She's not a homophobe or anything. It's just that it's about me, her daughter, whom she's barely known since I've become a parent. It's just hard to find the right way of introducing the idea. Plus she lives far away, so I don't see her often, and I want to wait until we're face-to-face.
 

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I have never told my mom. I guess maybe because we aren't very close. We love each other but there are things I just don't share with her......
I guess if I wasn't married I would more likely want to "come out"...

Just my own thoughts,
Peace
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by jewelysmommy
I don't know what's hard to understand about bi. it's the same as being straight or gay. You can't choose who you are attracted to physically.

I understand THAT part silly!!! :LOL

I was refering to the need to come "out" as bi, when you're already married to a man.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by LunaMom

Another good analogy would be with my religion. I'm a non-observant, non-practicing Jew, but everyone who knows me knows I'm Jewish, and they know well before they come to my house in December and see no Christmas tree!


Great analogy! That totally puts it together for me!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by cmb123
I understand THAT part silly!!! :LOL

I was refering to the need to come "out" as bi, when you're already married to a man.
yeah sorry I don't know what's up with me lately I just seem so dense at times.

I am honestly not sure of the need. i don't feel it. My mom knows, and it took me years to tell her. My dad doesn't and unless something happens to DH and I and then I get with a woman there is no way IO'm going to tell him. DH knows but we don't talk about it around him as one of his fears is that I'll "turn gay and divorce him like my mom did to my dad" They were married for 20 years. and honestly that isn't why they got divorced but this isn't my thread.

In any case i don't feel the need and well i talk about it with some people I don't need everyone to know, and as i love my DH I don't discuss these matters with him beyond the very rare "She's hot" comment.

Courtney
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by LunaMom
So how do I tell her, after all these years? How do I make her understand how I can be bi while still married to DH? And how can I fight the possibility of the, "Why are you telling me this anyway, it doesn't really matter" reaction?
Well, how about "Mom, there's something important I would like to tell you. I'm bisexual and this is an important part of who I am. I know you might not understand what this means, or how important it is to me, but I'm happy to talk about it with you if you want to."

You can't make her understand, and she might think it doesn't really matter. OK, then. You told her, and that's all you can do. She probably won't understand. My parents don't understand a lot of things about my life, but they love me, which is essentially the job of parents, as far as I can tell!
 
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