Our dd is 4. She is spirited and bright and dramatic. What I am going to describe is not all the time, but I need help, because I am afraid it's getting out of control and DH and I don't necessarily agree fully on GD.
I was abused as a child, physically and emotionally. I am working to GD, but tend to revert to yelling and grabbing things away from DD, and removing things to punish her.
I *know* and understand the difference between discipline and punishment, but I find myself punishing her-if I ask her nicely many times to get her PJ's on and she refuses or dawdles, then dawdles to brush her teeth, I will threaten (and then follow through) with, 'If you take too long getting ready for bed, we'll only have time for 2 stories, not 3'-if it's a rough night, she gets one story of 3.
She has taken to yelling with a very angry voice, right in people's faces (mine, dh's, her 18 month-old brother's) 'I am ANGRY!', then refusing to talk to/listen to that person.
My mother used abandonment strategies and time-outs with me, and I withdraw from DD when I am frustrated or angry sometimes. I think she is copying that.
When DD yells and tells me she's angry, I usually tell her it's alright to be angry, but it's not okay to hit (or kick). I try to empathize (a la faber and mazlisch), but she plugs her ears.
I think I lecture too much, but I also will take her by the arms roughly sometimes (I know this is not okay and I am working on it).
She seems to have lots of anger. I have ongoing anger issues-all of my life-and am working to deal with these, too.
How can I help myself and my dd.
(oh, DS has started yelling 'no!' in a very accurate mimic of DD-and growling when upset or told 'no' about something) I really don't want 2 kids yelling and screaming.
I don't do this all the time, but I beat myself up a lot (constantly) when I do make these mistakes. I need to help my DD find (and value) balance.