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I feel kind of sad this morning because DH and his mom are mad at me that I don't do enough cleaning around the house. Heh. That's all I can say. I do most of the care for our six-month-old son in the evening, on the weekends, all night, and work outside the house four days per week. Plus I wash all the bottles, do the laundry, and clean the bathroom (though I am late on the bathroom cleaning this week and maybe that is what they are mad about?). I will write down what I do on a regular basis and see if they can think of anything else to add<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"> My MIL is on an extended visit from overseas, and has done a lot of decluttering in our house, and does a lot of cooking, as well as taking care of ds when I am at work. I am grateful for all she does, but I just feel like I'll never measure up to her standards in terms of *anything.* DH admits that she is not the easiest person to get along with. Sigh...<br>
Part of this is a cultural thing, or maybe just something with me because I am a recovering "messie." DH is from the former USSR and generally, homes that I have visited in his country have been spotless, but boy, are the women overburdened. I have improved my habits about picking up after myself a lot since we've gotten married. I just really want to give my full attention to my baby while I am at home rather than worrying about not keeping the house clean enough. I know that DH is overburdened with his job and trying to keep the peace between me and MIL. Also we are barely making it financially though I am up for a promotion at work that might help. So really hiring help to clean the house is not an option. Sorry, I just need to vent because I am feeling bitter about this whole situation. Maybe I'll sign up for the Flylady list again!<br><br>
Hannah
 

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Unless my dh wants to be hit in the head with a can of organic chick peas he and his mother know better then to say one word about what I am or am not doing in terms of housekeeping. Both dh and I work full time and we both live in the house and we both contribute to the mess and we both are responsible for cleaning it up.<br><br>
Why is it your responsibility to keep everything spotless? You both have jobs outside the home. Is your dh an invalid? Are his arms broken? Is he incapable of doing his share for some reason?<br><br>
I'm sorry if I sound snarky but I am in a really foul mood this morning and the injustice of the expectation that you do the lions share of the housework is really ticking me off this morning.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
pak (pumping at keyboard)<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Snark away, when DH confronted me this morning I was sorry I didn't have a can of chickpeas, even conventionally grown ones, to lob at him. My reaction was to burst into tears and say "I give up!" But I settled down and we had a mature discussion.<br><br>
In his defense, my DH does all the vaccuming and a lot of yard work. I pick up a lot of the slack so that he can work on some online courses he is taking. He does spend a lot of time online in the evenings just playing around (on a practice FOREX trading site), but then I can get away with more of that at work than he can.<br><br>
I dunno, I think my MIL can't stay with us much longer because she is poisoning our relationship.
 

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I would tell your MIL to take a jump :). Okay, seriously though, I'd just explain to your DH that as you both work full time, your priority when you are at home is being with your child, not housekeeping. Your child will grow up and move away...the housework isn't going anywhere. Maybe you could suggest to your MIL that she pay for a housekeeper if she finds you so deficient, LOL.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>dido1</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/6480848"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Maybe you could suggest to your MIL that she pay for a housekeeper if she finds you so deficient, LOL.</div>
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yea to that!<br><br>
It seems like your MIL is a visitor in your home, right? How dare she criticize you on the way you keep up your home!! Even if she is living there for a short time, I think that is rude. Tell her the hotel down the street has a professional maid to chase after her with a broom and wash rag!! As far as your husband, tell him you do all you are capable of doing. Would he rather have you put your baby in daycare so that he can have fresh clean sheets to sleep on everynight?? Sheesh!
 

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My new favorite saying is, "I am not a housewife." Simple, factual, and a great reminder for dh!<br>
I am sorry that you are going through this. My only advice is to try to put things away as you use them to cut down on clutter and to toss things as much as you can.<br>
It is hard.<br>
Suzy
 

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Honestly, hannah, I'm just shaking my head at the absurdness of you DH and MIL. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/disappointed.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="disappointed"><br><br>
So in answer to your question, I *don't* deal with it or this question at all. I too work 50+ hours per week and DH (WAHD) works too. He knows I will tolerate ZERO complaints on doing things around the house.<br><br>
Alot of these men want Stepford Wives.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">My new favorite saying is, "I am not a housewife." Simple, factual, and a great reminder for dh!</td>
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Funny, that's another thing he said to me this morning--that he wanted me to be a better housewife<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"> I know that he would like to earn enough money that I could be a SAHM. That is part of why he is so upset. But it's not like I complain about getting up at 5 a.m. in order to feed ds, pack lunches, etc, etc to get ready for the work day, or any of the other tribulations of being a working mama.<br><br>
LOL at the Stepford wife comment.<br><br>
Thank you, mamas, for being suitably outraged!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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Keep a calendar and track the days until MIL goes back home. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> I sometimes get up early while everyone sleeps to do laundry and what not. I only do that though if I've had a good night's sleep. Now that DS is 3 yrs old and has been sleeping through the night for quite a while, its not that hard to get up early to do housework. I would have never dreamed of doing such when he was 6 months old though. Your MIL is probably being unrealistic. I will say a pray for you that you will not throw your MIL out on the curb before her extended stay is over. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/praying.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="praying">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br><br>
Kim
 

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If I were you I wouldn't want to be a SAHM, because then what would his expectations be?<br><br>
You could go on strike, and do nothing but take work and take care of the baby, for a day or two. Then see if they think you don't do anything. Or get sick, I guess.<br><br>
My MIL lives with us. She is awesome, though. She watches the baby during the day, and does a lot of cooking and housework. Like a LOT! And she never complains. We don't ask her to do the housework, she just does it. And the yardwork. And the laundry. She never ever tries to influence us or get involved in anything that's not her business. In fact, I have to pester her to get answers on stuff that I think is her business.<br><br>
It sucks that when your MIL leaves you'll have even more to do around the house. But really it sounds like DH has too-high expectations, because of the culture he comes from, and that MIL's presence strengthens those.<br><br>
I like what the PP said about how you are focussed on spending time with your baby. That is so much more important than the house.<br><br>
I want to say "I wouldn't tolerate that from my DH!" but really, mine has made tentative, careful complaints before. Then we try to figure out exactly what about the house is really bothering him, and reprioritize and reassign until that particular item is taken care of. Things that particularly bother him (like the bathrooms) become his responsibility, and things that particularly bother me (like the trash can being full) become my responsibility. That way when I'm frustrated by the trash can I have no one to blame but myself. Then I empty it, and all is well.
 

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yikes! if my dh complained like that, he'd be, at best, sleeping on the couch for a few nights. if his mom came (a whole other can of worms) and then had the audacity to complain, both of them would be out on their behinds (or i'd leave). dh knows it.<br><br>
we agreed that my #1 job was to look after ds. dh's #1 job is to look after me. then we agreed that someone else would clean (neither dh nor i like cleaning that much). we keep the kitchen spotless and the rest of the rooms tidy but i pay for someone else to vacuum and do a thorough cleaning. when the bathrooms get gross, i will clean them but usually that happens a day before our housecleaner comes!
 

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my family is from the former USSR as well ;-) though our house was never totally spottless <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
But even after living in the States for the past 13+ yrs, my mom does most of the work around the house. Both of my parents WOH, but my mom does all cooking and cleaning. If she doesn't make something for my dad AND put it on the table for him, he'll go hungry. I mean literally, he just won't eat. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
Dh always gives me this laugh and tells me I should serve him like that - and I smack him upside the head <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> (lovingly)<br><br>
I hope you're able to have a talk with him and sort this out. Dh and I recently decided to split laundry and wishwashing and share the rest. I like pp's idea of picking chores that mean more to you (bug you more)<br><br>
tell MIL to butt out. I think I know the type, the overbearing parent (got two of those myself) so good luck!!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/duck.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Duck">:
 

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I'm very sorry you are going through this. I don't have a lot of advice for you. Like a few other people on this forum, it's not really an issue with us as we both work full-time and tend to feel equally responsible for the house work and maintenance.<br><br>
However, I have seen some threads on the SAHM forum, with the same complaints as yours - even though they are at home, they are still taking care of children and they aren't housekeepers. And yes, many DH do have high expectations of just how much we women can accomplish. You might look at some of the SAHM threads and see if there is any good advice.<br><br>
Again, I'm really sorry for you. It's very tough to live up to the supermom ideal.
 

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So, they double teamed you?<br><br>
I am also a recovering messy. I am a piler, not a filer. I keep a fairly clean house, but it is NOT up to my husband's standards. He is Anal. We have a nick name for his analness. But, I am not allowed to post it for fear that someone will recognize me and begin stalking me, and possible steal my identity. Yes, he is THAT anal.<br><br><br>
I have no advice, other than to say, I am TOTALLY in your camp. Just do the best you can, and hand Mother in Law the cleaner and tell her to have at it.
 

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I don't think it is cultural- I think it is generational. Back in the day, women didn't have to do everything alone. When they were pregnant, their mom's, aunts, sisters, grandmothers, ect. came to their home and helped! If mom wanted a shower she could hand the baby off for an hour, the house was clean, and mom could relax.<br><br>
Now, a woman is expected to work through pregnancy, have the baby, run the house, be the "perfect" mother, return to work, and still do EVERYTHING!<br><br>
My good friends MIL is from Japan, and she came to visit after the baby was born. My friend hadn't showered in days, the house was a little messy, and she was ordering in all of their meals... she heard all about from her MIL! "When I had my son I always did my hair, my home was clean, I made every meal..." When my friend called me I wanted to run over there and say, "How many women came to help you with all of that?! You suck!" But... I didn't. Good for me <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
Anyway, you are probably like most women- an amazing creature, doing her best, but underappreciated <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
~Valarie~
 

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I am so sorry!! What an awful thing to hear.<br><br>
You're obviously trying to do what you can and to get criticized by your own husband and his mother is awful! I would be hurt.<br><br>
After I got over being hurt, I'd be mad. I never let my husband assume the house is my responsibility. We both work full time outside of our home and we both take care of the house. Sometimes he does more, sometimes I do. He has his areas that he likes to clean, I have mine. Unfortunately, neither of us like to clean the toilet and since I have lower tolerance of dirt, I clean it. Dang it.<br><br>
After getting mad, I'd talk to my husband. I'd tell him that the house is not MY responsibility, that it's OUR responsibility and that if he's not happy about it, he should do something about it. Vacuuming and outdoor duties doesn't seem like enough--especially since neither of these are daily duties. A chores list could be helpful.<br><br>
Good luck. After talking to him, HE should talk to his mom and say it's not ok to criticize my wife, she's doing her best and we'll work on things together.
 

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Sounds like your MIL's visit needs to end soon. My dad's mother lived with us for a couple of years when I was in middle school, and she didn't think my mom was good enough for her little boy. She spent two years making trouble for my parents, trying to get them to divorce, and nearly succeeded. Some people just relish being horrible.<br><br>
I don't have much advice to add, but I totally support your "baby time over housework time" position. And to get this kind of crap from your husband, too--those'd be fightin' words with me. You're pulling extra weight while he invests in your mutual future with those classes, and he should APPRECIATE that instead of telling you that you should be doing more. Feh!
 
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