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How do you decide how many kids?

1280 Views 33 Replies 25 Participants Last post by  ~Quse~
I am not too sure where this belongs.
After ds was born I knew we would have one more- then that was it.
After I had dd at home this past NOVEMBER...... I want more.
I am so much more comfortable with being a mom- etc- I loved my homebirth and want to do it again!LOL!
There are of course pros and cons with having a third baby- more cons probally for us...
( we do not have a car that fits three car seats- and we are basically locked into this car)...that is my main reason- lol- not much sense huh!
Plus i do not want to be SOOO tired with pg with 2 kids... that was rough with dd.
On and on-
how do you deal with these feelings?

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I kind of feel like you-something about homebirthing and learning more about AP/NFL makes me want more kids. Dh and I always wanted 4 kids. Well I actualy I would like 5 or 6 but he wants 4, so we will have 4 and then go from there. I know it will be hard to be pregnant with 3 kids but I plan on waiting til the twins are around 3 and Gabe is 5 before TTC again. I figure they should be potty trained by then and out of the "baby" stage for the most part. I actually really would like another set of twins.
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Dh and I would love to have 4 kids. I grew up as the third of four, and I am so thankful for my siblings. They are my best friends. So while I know that it will be hard work to raise 4, in my mind the real payoff comes later when they are adults. I feel like siblings are a gift you can give to your kids.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately.

After my first, I thought I was DONE. When he was 3, I realized I wanted another. 10 minutes after the birth of number 2, I said I was looking forward to number 3. My husband and I both want number 3 (in 3.5 years) BUT

we also really want to provide our children with private school educations, full funding for college, tons of one on one attention, nice "stuff", a nice house, the ability to travel around the world and do extra things AND a nice fat amount of $ for us to retire early on.

We realize that with each child we have, it will only allow us to give less later on to the 2 we already have. And it will equal us working longer to provide what we want to provide. But then I feel that it sounds so very selfish and that I should realize that inherently that we can have 3 or 4 and still be able to provide them with a lot, though not everything and they will be none the less for it. in short...I have no clue!
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yeah that. we are in the same boat.
I feel the same way Emilie! I already want another and dd is only 4 months old! Dh wants at least 2 more, but wants to wait awhile for the next one. I haven't really pushed him at all about it, but I do make it clear that I wouldn't mind getting preg. again. But our whole "plan" is to adopt once Dh buys a dealership and we move (hopefully for the last time). This is suppose to be happening before May of 2007. BUT I want to get pregnant NOW! But then I think, geez, can I handle 2 young ones, both diapering, both bfing, etc etc. ANd from what I've heard, the more biological children you already have, the harder it is to adopt. And adopting is extremely important to us. So I'm in your same boat. How do you know how many to have and when to have your next one!
that is wonderful you want to adopt. i am adopted. are you adopting from overseas? older kids are readily available i know. at some point i would like to look into being a foster care provider.
DP and I want a dozen kids. The reality may be that we only have a couple more or none or 5 more or whatever. I can't possibly imagine not have any more, no matter what life brings us. We will deal with whatever issues we have to as they arise, and I feel confident we can provide for the kids, even if it takes some sacrifice and compromise.
I couldn't foster. I think I would get too attatched.

I want to adopt locally actually! Well not necessarily "local" but within the U.S. I've wanted to adopt since I was in Jr. High. I'll quickly explain why. My dad is NOT racist, but he always referred to african american people by calling them "chocolate pudding men" when we were kids and telling me things like "you better not bring a black guy home one day". Once I was old enough to realize that color didn't mean anything to me, I decided that I wanted to adopt a child that was a different nationality than me so that I can raise my children differently. I want them to grow up in a family that doesn't see color as being "different". I want my kids to treat everyone the same and to never judge people, like my father did. It just so happens, that dh has always wanted to adopt as well because a couple people in his family have adopted and all have had great experiences. So anyways we've decided that we want to adopt an african american boy , hopefully from birth so I can BF him. But I'm dieing for another dc, and like I said, I heard that it is more difficult to adopt, the more bio. children you have. Also adopting overseas can be very very expensive, and we can't afford that.
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We can't afford to adopt, at least not right now. I was a foster kid so I've considered fostering on more than one occasion.
We've pretty much decided upon one more, possibly two: but again with a bigger spacing between babies- 3 or 4 years, rather than less than 2. TBH, though, right now I feel like our family's complete: though I know this is probably going to change, and I know DH doesn't feel that way. We're also exploring the idea of shared care, something that's getting very popular over here, where a child with special needs would spend some time with our family on an ongoing basis in order to give their parents a break.
We're done with two, and have based that choice on a few things. First, we were happy with just one, but decided when she was 2 that she should really have a sibling. However, we are sure two is enough as we already have our hands full, and don't want to leave anyone hanging while we each take care of someone. Also, I don't really believe in having more kids than replace us, as the earth is really overpopulated. I don't mind other people having more than two, it just doesn't feel right for me. Lastly, my pregnancy and birth experiences have been such that I don't want to risk another pregnancy.
I'd love to be able to have as many as nature will let me, but that's not going to happen. We have 5 now (3 b, 2 g), and I've wanted another since about 5 minutes after the last birth 2 years ago. we agreed that 6 is the magic number. We're struggling with TTC now, might be PCOS, so we'll see. DH is afraid of a multiple pregnancy if I go on fertility meds LOL. I wouldn't mind!
Moved to Parenting...
My hubby and I have an interesting blend in our families. I have only 1 yngr sis, who is 7 yrs yngr. I always wanted to have lot's of kids, and close together so that they would have plenty of playmates. My hubby has 6 bio sibs, and 6 foster/adopted sibs. He loves the friendship between sibs as children, but also found that in a larger fam, everyone tends to have to fight for what they want. At dinner, for the bathroom, while shopping, during the holidays, etc. So, he would like less kids than how he grew up. We've settled on 4 or 5. We have 2 right now, exactly 2.5 yrs apart. But, one thing I would like to stress, I have learned a very important value from being around my hubby's fam. It's not about the present. It's not about bfing more than one child, or dbl strollers, or even how fun natural pregnancy and birth can be. It's not even about finances. While all of these things do matter, I have seen first hand that it's really about how long you will feel this way. My hubby's parents were very hands-on, and involved in the first half of the kid's lives. They started having kids 27 yrs ago. Their youngest child in the home right now is 14. They also still have 3 others in the home, are putting 2 of their kids through college, one in the Navy, and 2 having kids of their own. For them, they are tired. Tired of working to afford the kid's neccessities. Tired of dealing with homework. Tired of sacrificing everything they want for themselves. Their marraige is in a rut, dad is always at work, and mom just doesn't want to deal with the trouble anymore. So as a result, this once very caring and well put together family, hardly speaks with eachother except to bicker, and the high schoolers do pretty much whatever they want. It's easy to say that won't happen to you now, but after almost 30 yrs of direct parenting, and still more to go, sometimes opinions change. So, you figure 18 years after the first, and then you keep adding years as the babies come, and that's how long your direct parenting will be. Also, factor in how old you will be then, and where you would like to be at that age. If travel and retirement are in your game plan, a large fam is probably not for you. My hubby's dad has gone bankrupt, is on the verge of it again, and they both have to work full time just to scrape by. They don't have any money saved up. And the children are emotionally suffering because they can sense that they are tired of doing it. So the best advice I can give is to think about what kind of parent you want to be in the long 25 years from now long term!
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My dh wanted 0 i wanted 4 or 5 maybe even foster or adopt. We have 1 and i am prego both of these kids are "accidents". We CAN"T afford another in the next 5 years unless something drastically changes. I also think tho that when both are in college we'll only be 41 and that major parenting will be done...just a few more bills and thats "it". But I also think that I want to have another thats planned, that we are able to provide everything for, that the 2 we already have will be able to enjoy and learn from....

As of now Dh says no More!! and has considered vas....Right now i say no more right least 5 years and that depends on whats going on.

Not to say that if somehow I was able to know that i could afford and put them through college all of the sudden i wouldn't kick all that out the door.

Anyone watch TLC? Seen the family with 16 children? They spend tons of money on food alone (pretty much what we get paid for an entire month). They are able to do it financially and the kids are old enough to help and you KNOW with that many kids that someone will always be home for the summer, hard times, just taking advantage and the like. They may never retire but it seems to me that this IS their retirment.

What can you personally handle? What can your budget handle? How much time do you want to be "just mom...."?
When do you want to be retired? Travel?

It depends on many things. I know 2 is the "average" right now but who knows what average is?
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Hmmm...I am expecting my fifth. When I had none, I wanted six. When I had two, I wanted NO MORE. My third pregnancy was a huge, huge oops, and with my fourth, we tried ferverntly.

Now we are the parents of six children, with my bio baby on the way bringing us to 7. (Adopting due to family circumstances) We are not "done" and wouldn't have it any other way.

Overpopulation is a myth and I am very suprised that the finger is off the pulse here because there are many countries that are now offering incentives for couples to have three or more children because of the declining population not being able to meet the needs of the eldery citizens.

College? I cannot possibly fathom this ever being a reason to not bring a child into the world. It's like arranging their marriage before they have a chance to speak up about what they want. My husband is 30 years old. He went to college right after high school when it was "paid for" and treated it very lightly. His grades weren't the greatest and when he went back (on Pell grants) a few years back, he had to work his butt off to up his GPA up because of his past college experience. I am very against handing anything to a child on a silver platter, regardless of your ability to do so. My husband is now back in college going for his second he can get into Grad School program of choice. His parents are definitely not paying for it now, I can assure you

I don't know how ends get met here, honestly. My husband does have a good job, my children wear nice clothing and we live in a nice house. However, we do homeschool so I am able to prepare meals here for every meal. We don't have as much clothing for each of them because I am able to wash frequently and they have no one but me to impress. I wouldn't consider myself "frugal" because I will buy several very nice things for my children, as opposed to stocking up at Goodwill.

I don't think about the here and now as much either, as I do about the future. My children will have a family, a rock to lean on....Whereas most of the people I know come from scattered families, not close to their siblings, in age or relationship....I don't want that for my children. I want my daughters to have a sister watch their children during the birth of a new baby. I want my sons to have brothers....who will help them fix a car when it dies. And mostly, I do not want to be 80 years old and having Meals On Wheels be my only source of companionship during a long day home alone. I can't guarantee that any of the above will happen, but you can bet I sure have increased the odds in my favor
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CoffeeTribe-Great Post!!

I pretty much feel the same way. We have financial problems too sometimes, but I just feel that that should never be a reason NOT to have a baby, or to terminate a pregnancy. I feel like everything happens for a reason, and that if a higher power blesses you with child, then it's meant to be, and everything will fall into place. Struggles are hard, I remember about a year and a half ago, dh and I were so poor, we were scraping together PENNIES (honestly), to buy top ramen and fill up a water jug for 25cents. (the tap water there was horrible). We also had 2 cats at the time. Then out of the blue, some relatives of mine that I hadn't seen in years gave us 300 bucks. That was the jump start we needed, and somehow we got out of that rut.

I don't know how many we will end up with. I see us having 3 or 4 of our own and adopting one. But you never know, if I never get prego again, oh well, at least I have Jade, and she is plenty to be thankful for. If I get prego 10 more times, well, then I guess I'll be one tired, but very happy old mom.

BTW, I don't know about you guys, but it seems like with us, the more we make, the more we spend. We always live paycheck to paycheck, so I guess thats why financial reasons aren't a reason why we wouldn't have another child.
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I agree, the more $ we make the more we spend

I also don't think worring about money, including paying for college are reason's not to have more babies.

We have 3 and would need a bigger vehicle if we had a 4th and a bigger home would be nice but babies don't take up much space

I'm not sure that we have decided how many kids to have, 3 seems like a good number but I honestly wouldn't be opposed to having another. My problem is that I think it's an addiction for me, if I have a 4th I could see myself wanting a 5th and a 6th

When I was a child I wanted 8, then I changed my mind and wanted 4. Then after having one I figured 2 was a good number, then I desperately wanted 3
So I have no idea, I change my mind all the time. I do think if you don't know for sure either way it's best to leave all options open. I am so glad I didn't have a tubal after my last c-section.
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I'm going back to work part-time next week and DP is going to have the kids so we won't have to pay for daycare. All of a sudden we'll have all that extra money and I'm putting some of it aside to pay for my next homebirth!
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