How do you get a partner to open up and talk?
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Hmm.
Do you guys do anything together?
Is this something he's doing on purpose, or did it just develop that way over time?
Is he actually withholding stuff from you, or is he mostly just not a talkative person (even though I know that results in witholding too, hope you know what I mean
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The first thing that pops into my head is more physical contact, especially of the kind that is very relaxing. Get him to relax around you nonverbally, a connected relaxation, and associate you with those kinds of feelings. You could give him foot massages or hand massages if his feet are too sensitive. You could start "home date night" where you guys do this while watching a movie at home on the couch or something.
Then when you do talk, if he's good and relaxed, talk a bit in a soothing monotonous voice, and bring up a subject/ask a question (not a big one right off) in that same soothing monotonous voice.
Get him into the habit of it a few times in a row before you try to open up any complicated subjects.
Also if you keep yourself in that soothing, monotonous, relaxed state of mind, especially in the evenings, people will naturally start to adapt to you and go into that state somewhat too. As your armor/tension loosens up, their armor/tension will loosen up too.
Do you guys do anything together?
Is this something he's doing on purpose, or did it just develop that way over time?
Is he actually withholding stuff from you, or is he mostly just not a talkative person (even though I know that results in witholding too, hope you know what I mean
The first thing that pops into my head is more physical contact, especially of the kind that is very relaxing. Get him to relax around you nonverbally, a connected relaxation, and associate you with those kinds of feelings. You could give him foot massages or hand massages if his feet are too sensitive. You could start "home date night" where you guys do this while watching a movie at home on the couch or something.
Then when you do talk, if he's good and relaxed, talk a bit in a soothing monotonous voice, and bring up a subject/ask a question (not a big one right off) in that same soothing monotonous voice.
Get him into the habit of it a few times in a row before you try to open up any complicated subjects.
Also if you keep yourself in that soothing, monotonous, relaxed state of mind, especially in the evenings, people will naturally start to adapt to you and go into that state somewhat too. As your armor/tension loosens up, their armor/tension will loosen up too.
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you know I am not really sure if he was I am quite the chatterbox so I can talk if other people listen and fill dead air... I come from a family of big talkers I am the quiet shy one of the family
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We can do things, go on vacation but he won't talk about anything other than day to day planning stuff...
He won't initiate a conversation with me period.
I hear you on the physical contact I've approached this from so many different ways...he gets relaxed and if I am still talking he falls asleep.
He says he has zero need for conversation with me other than what needs to get done or planning for something to get done. Its lonely.
We can do things, go on vacation but he won't talk about anything other than day to day planning stuff...
He won't initiate a conversation with me period.
I hear you on the physical contact I've approached this from so many different ways...he gets relaxed and if I am still talking he falls asleep.
He says he has zero need for conversation with me other than what needs to get done or planning for something to get done. Its lonely.
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Awww, personally this would really hurt my feelings.
How long have you guys been together? I am assuming he has always been like this, but it might not have bothered you until recently???
Therefore, is there something going on within you that is causing you to be more aware and affected by his lack of intimate conversation than before?
It sounds as though you are wanting more from your relationship and with due reason.
BUT, it is really hard to change someone when they don't want to change. Or, judging from his above comment, see "zero" need to change.
Talk to him. Tell him what you need and would like...in a very non-threatening, non-accustatory way.
Originally Posted by Shiloh  He says he has zero need for conversation with me other than what needs to get done or planning for something to get done. Its lonely. |
How long have you guys been together? I am assuming he has always been like this, but it might not have bothered you until recently???
Therefore, is there something going on within you that is causing you to be more aware and affected by his lack of intimate conversation than before?
It sounds as though you are wanting more from your relationship and with due reason.
BUT, it is really hard to change someone when they don't want to change. Or, judging from his above comment, see "zero" need to change.
Talk to him. Tell him what you need and would like...in a very non-threatening, non-accustatory way.
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yeah my feelings are being hurt...I constantly get dismissed brushed off I guess its not a value to him and just cause it is to me doesn't make it score higher...its always tomorrow we'll talk....I wait all night and at midnight well he was sooo busy...
we've been together 7 years can you tell?
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yeah I stopped talking this summer we were at my dads and I was looking to buy a house down the street it was an old house and everyone kept talking to me as if I wanted it without reason. I saw it it was a dive I didn't want it. Then I noticed that people thought I was upset and angry that I was quiet... but when dh says nothing to me it doesn't mean he's angry with me.
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totally but nothing I am doing is getting any results at all
we've been together 7 years can you tell?
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| Therefore, is there something going on within you that is causing you to be more aware and affected by his lack of intimate conversation than before? |
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| It sounds as though you are wanting more from your relationship and with due reason. |
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Because of this, chance are you will not get your need fulfilled. The lack of value says leaps and bounds and I am soooo sorry for you!
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Until your DH values your needs, you will not get any results.
I can only imagine how 'stuck' you must feel. Honestly, I am surprised you guys have been together for 7 years.
Can you find the positive aspects of your relationship with your DH? Are your needs being filled enough in other areas of your relationship?
Do you have irl friends that could fill your need for in-depth, meaningful conversations? Maybe this is a need you will have to have filled elsewhere, sadly. And I don't be extramarital...I mean in regards to building stronger friendships with irl girlfriends.
Would he consider couple's therapy? I would assume he wouldn't because he doesn't see a need, even for your sake.
Originally Posted by Shiloh I guess its not a value to him and just cause it is to me doesn't make it score higher |
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Originally Posted by Shiloh but nothing I am doing is getting any results at all |
I can only imagine how 'stuck' you must feel. Honestly, I am surprised you guys have been together for 7 years.
Can you find the positive aspects of your relationship with your DH? Are your needs being filled enough in other areas of your relationship?
Do you have irl friends that could fill your need for in-depth, meaningful conversations? Maybe this is a need you will have to have filled elsewhere, sadly. And I don't be extramarital...I mean in regards to building stronger friendships with irl girlfriends.
Would he consider couple's therapy? I would assume he wouldn't because he doesn't see a need, even for your sake.
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My DH can be this way but not all the time. For him, as he explains, he actually does not think most of the time, and talking mainly extends from thinking. Sounds like your DH is a bit similar in that his thinking is just never conversational?
No matter what, this is his issue, it's not personal to you, it isn't your fault.
If I were in your shoes I might drag him off to some couple's counseling.
It's fair enough that it may not come naturally to him, but it's important that he try, with practice he should be able to meet you partway.
My mischevious side says to try and throw him for a loop by you talking even less than he would prefer. It might kinda open his eyes a bit if you take the opposite approach than the one he's used to.
No matter what, this is his issue, it's not personal to you, it isn't your fault.
If I were in your shoes I might drag him off to some couple's counseling.
It's fair enough that it may not come naturally to him, but it's important that he try, with practice he should be able to meet you partway.
My mischevious side says to try and throw him for a loop by you talking even less than he would prefer. It might kinda open his eyes a bit if you take the opposite approach than the one he's used to.
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we are in therapy together now
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and until he understands them and that its a valid need of mine why would he bother... good point.
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lol sometimes me too......
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| Until your DH values your needs, you will not get any results. |
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| I can only imagine how 'stuck' you must feel. Honestly, I am surprised you guys have been together for 7 years. |
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Thank goodness for therapists that rock, especially when there are some really bad ones out there too. Happy to hear you guys have a good one!
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Keeps life spicy and interesting. Plus, I don't know about you, but I sure wouldn't want to live, for the rest of my life, with another one of me. I am a handful and a half!
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Originally Posted by Shiloh but our therapist rocks |
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| lol I guess oposites do attract. |
I ask him how his day was he says "same S$it, different day"
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he only talks basically to relay info, he's not a big talker, never really has been. He's a little better at it in the car or when we are out, I always try to bring up thought provoking topics, things that have a real gray area to discuss. I get a lot of my inspiration here. He will NEVER talk about his feelings at all, its one of the reasons why I miss dating a woman.
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I hear you. Men don't even have the vocabulary often to talk about emmotional things... but I have been with men that did.... and I am not sure I buy the excuses why they can't/won't/don't feel comfortable getting 'deep'.
we talked last night. I realised that he's fond of me/loves me but he's not in love with me, he's not that enamoured with me as a person, he doesn't really give enough thought about what I need because of that. He only sees what I do that irritates him, or does something positive for him but not what I actually do do.
Like if there's my stuff out on the diningroom table (crafts) he thinks thats profoundly disrespectful to him to leave my stuff on the table... he has his own office with door and always has. I said if it was a value to you that I had what you think you deserve then I would have a space for my stuff. He should be thankful he does have a place for his stuff and not put me down because I don't. Or the dishes in the sink means 'I've done nothing all day' mamas you know how many toys you can pick up, how many dishes you can do, the house can be spotless at 3pm and a hellhole by 6pm.
Not that it isn't hurtful but sometimes things just are the way they are. So of course if he's not really happy with me as a person, disappointed in what I do, sees what I do as negative to him, not what I do that is positive, and unhappy in his marriage why would he want to talk to me it would be as he says a waste of time....
I think he's afraid if he were to come out and tell me how he feels I'd leave. I am not going to leave today but I have to seriously think if I want to be in a relationship with someone whose goal is to learn to 'tolerate' me and gives me what I need only so that I don't get upset but they don't have the need for the connection nor the need to think about what would make me happy.
okay its beyond sad.
He said he cannot trust me, I told him I was still here and have put up with more than he would have from me if the shoes were on the other feet. I asked him if we could work on being friends as he's not that interested in any physical relationship with 'me', again there it doesn't matter what I like or don't...
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yeah I wonder if a woman would clue in quicker that you've as Elaine would say 'fake fake fake'd it....
| He will NEVER talk about his feelings at all, its one of the reasons why I miss dating a woman. |
we talked last night. I realised that he's fond of me/loves me but he's not in love with me, he's not that enamoured with me as a person, he doesn't really give enough thought about what I need because of that. He only sees what I do that irritates him, or does something positive for him but not what I actually do do.
Like if there's my stuff out on the diningroom table (crafts) he thinks thats profoundly disrespectful to him to leave my stuff on the table... he has his own office with door and always has. I said if it was a value to you that I had what you think you deserve then I would have a space for my stuff. He should be thankful he does have a place for his stuff and not put me down because I don't. Or the dishes in the sink means 'I've done nothing all day' mamas you know how many toys you can pick up, how many dishes you can do, the house can be spotless at 3pm and a hellhole by 6pm.
Not that it isn't hurtful but sometimes things just are the way they are. So of course if he's not really happy with me as a person, disappointed in what I do, sees what I do as negative to him, not what I do that is positive, and unhappy in his marriage why would he want to talk to me it would be as he says a waste of time....
I think he's afraid if he were to come out and tell me how he feels I'd leave. I am not going to leave today but I have to seriously think if I want to be in a relationship with someone whose goal is to learn to 'tolerate' me and gives me what I need only so that I don't get upset but they don't have the need for the connection nor the need to think about what would make me happy.
okay its beyond sad.
He said he cannot trust me, I told him I was still here and have put up with more than he would have from me if the shoes were on the other feet. I asked him if we could work on being friends as he's not that interested in any physical relationship with 'me', again there it doesn't matter what I like or don't...
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| its one of the reasons why I miss dating a woman. |
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My DH doesn't talk either. It is really frustrating, to say the least. And it's not just "not talking," it's not telling me things either.
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I found this explained my feelings on 'talking'
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html
they say a relationship needs 15 hours a week of communicating, talking, connecting to stay healthy... yeah...um try fifteen minutes
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html
they say a relationship needs 15 hours a week of communicating, talking, connecting to stay healthy... yeah...um try fifteen minutes
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