Mothering Forum banner
1 - 15 of 15 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,247 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello!

I was just wondering how you all handle when your DH goes out for fun...ie. after work for a drink, on a weekend for the morning with a friend, etc. Do you feel "entitled" to time alone too?

He doesn't do this all the time...but when he does, it seems as if I'm not really appreciated for all the "work" I do taking care of our DD. I have been going to Mom's night out once in a while...it's my "ammo" I guess.

Just curious....
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,084 Posts
Well we both get our individual time, dh & I both love going to the movies but since dd's arrival its not possible for us to go together. So his free time 1x a month is going to see a movie alone and mine is having breakfast alone 1x a week on Wed mornings. I see movies as well 1x a month but 9 out of 10 times its me bringing my 14 yo to a movie so its not true alone time.

My dh works at home or rather his office is in our house so there is no drinks after work especially sunce I teach pt at night at dh does childcare duties when I am gone just like I do them during the day while he works. We are a true tag team effort.

I absolutely feel entitled to alone time, now that I am working again and have a few extra bucks I have been splurging and getting my eyebrows waxed and a pedicure
. I work hard taking care of our house and kiddos on top of teaching 20 hours a week and if I did not get some me time
: , I would go mad. I have learned in all my years on the planet thatI have to have alone time, time to be alone with my thoughts.

Shay
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
125 Posts
Feeling "entitled" is usually negative. It's what children feel when they whine and simply don't understand why they can't have. Or how teens feel about their messy rooms or innapropriate clothes. It doesn't belong in an adult relationship. We don't schedule things. Evenings and weekends, if I need to go run an errand, or browse the local yarn shop, I tell him when he gets home what my after dinner plans are. My DH doesn't go out drinking, ever. But when he does do something, he just lets me know well ahead of time. I'd say though that 99% of our time is spent as a family, either at home or out. If I want to take a class or go to an event, I just tell him when and how long and put it on the calender. I guess I just don't see what the fuss is all about. If you want some alone time, just say hey, I'm going to go ... after dinner or saturday, make the kids pb&j. Or whatever. Normal people would just say ok and maybe we'll go to the park too. If it has to be a battle, or a match for match for everytime the other person left the house sans kids, then the problem isn't alone time, it's the maturity of the spouses. But I can tell you, than aside from the 40hrs/wk, I get way more time away from home sans kids than DH. Of couse now "sans kids" often means "sans non-nurslings" which is relaxing anyway, I just should pump more, but I guess I'm lazy now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,319 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by Abylite
I was just wondering how you all handle when your DH goes out for fun...ie. after work for a drink, on a weekend for the morning with a friend, etc. Do you feel "entitled" to time alone too?

He doesn't do this all the time...but when he does, it seems as if I'm not really appreciated for all the "work" I do taking care of our DD. I have been going to Mom's night out once in a while...it's my "ammo" I guess.
Well, first of all, my husband darn well arranges in advance whenever he goes out for fun time alone. When I am a SAHM (which is on and off) there is an understanding that the 9-5 shift is mine, but if he wants me to be alone watching the girl other times, that's a special arrangement. He has a responsibility to care for the girl as much as I do, y'know?

And yes, I feel entitled to time alone. I've been a working mama for a while, so I haven't felt the need to leave my baby in my free time, but I do feel entitled to get away once in a while. Again, though, I give my husband advance notice- "Honey, I'll be going to X on date Y, so you'll need to be taking care of the girl".

Julia
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Our problem right now is that I want sometimes my Dh to go out. SO I just could relax when babe sleeps. But he wants to go out with me what wont work as I BF
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,175 Posts
We plan out our time. DH went to play poker last night and I was cool with it. I will be going out for coffee on Tuesday with my friends. We take turns, even though my turns have been limited since DD doesnt take a bottle or want to go to sleep for DH very well. So I have been taking more time for myself in the afternoons on teh weekends, since she is easier to leave then.

But no one keeps tabs or anything. Its not really a big issue for us. No resentment or anything.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,428 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by Party*of*5
Feeling "entitled" is usually negative. It's what children feel when they whine and simply don't understand why they can't have. Or how teens feel about their messy rooms or innapropriate clothes. It doesn't belong in an adult relationship. We don't schedule things. Evenings and weekends, if I need to go run an errand, or browse the local yarn shop, I tell him when he gets home what my after dinner plans are. My DH doesn't go out drinking, ever. But when he does do something, he just lets me know well ahead of time. I'd say though that 99% of our time is spent as a family, either at home or out. If I want to take a class or go to an event, I just tell him when and how long and put it on the calender. I guess I just don't see what the fuss is all about. If you want some alone time, just say hey, I'm going to go ... after dinner or saturday, make the kids pb&j. Or whatever. Normal people would just say ok and maybe we'll go to the park too. If it has to be a battle, or a match for match for everytime the other person left the house sans kids, then the problem isn't alone time, it's the maturity of the spouses. But I can tell you, than aside from the 40hrs/wk, I get way more time away from home sans kids than DH. Of couse now "sans kids" often means "sans non-nurslings" which is relaxing anyway, I just should pump more, but I guess I'm lazy now.
This is how it is for MOST people, but I have friends who's hubby's freak out if they have to "babysit" the kids, and need to know well in advance if the mama wants to go out. And yes, I agree it's a maturity issue.

With my hubby, I just call him up and say hey, is it ok if I go out for supper tonight with friends? I don't feel like I'm asking permission, but more, hey, do we have plans? type of thing. I ask him to do the same thing if he is going somewhere. He is very fortunate with the company he works for that he get's LOTS of perks. Golfing, suppers out, weekends away, etc. So he doens't bat an eye if I need to get out and do something. With having daycare, I don't get the luxury of leaving my house during the week.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,101 Posts
I wouldn't handle it. DH works well over 40 hrs. a week & I am home. When he's off I expect him to be here. I am. Thankfully he feels this way too so it's not an issue.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,951 Posts
DH works around 50 hours a week and I am a SAHM. He also brings work home. But he always askes if I mind if he goes out if not working. If it is during the week, he does not go out until baby is sleeping. If its the weekend, He goes during the day while baby is pleasant. I don't go out w/o baby much. I did one time for 1.5 hours so far. (she is 9 months old) He owes me after baby is older, and he knows it!
(j/k) I could go out more if I wanted to, but choose not to. I wind up missing dd even if I just run to the store for bread.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,353 Posts
DP doesnt have super long hours, and I am pretty open about him doing things that he'd like to get done or stuff for fun. He helps me when I need it (err...when I ask him for it, lol) and for the most part, does his share. I take breaks during the day. I guess it isn't really a huge issue for us either. You will only feel resentment if you want alone time and aren't getting it. I just basically accepted not going out since it would be too much hassle for me,
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
125 Posts
Sydnee, ITA and btw thank you for spelling your newest dd name "right". That's my name but my mom butchered it and I've been called just about everything
:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
104 Posts
I think it's vitally important for both of us to have "alone" time. I don't think it's fair to say that if your husband is working all week, then when he's off he should be with you and the baby/kids all that time. I do think it should be the majority of that time, but working is stressful and taking care of the baby is stressful, too.......there has to be some "down" time. I am the worker bee in my family, and I can't wait to come home and get my babe back in arms, but there are times that I want to go out and do something alone.

to me, it is so important to keep a sense of individuality within your marriage. I am a wife, a mom, a nurse.......and sometimes i just want to be sherri.

letting up on your husband and giving some free reign will improve your relationship. (this doesn't entail going out and drinking with his buddies nightly, but maybe once or twice per week)

when you and your husband get to go out and socialize for a bit, then it is nice to get back home, refreshed and ready to get down to baby time.

just my 2 cents.

sherri
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,916 Posts
Hmm. I guess maybe since we were a bit older, and had definitely had our utter fill of the single life, neither of us has much of an urge to go out alone.

When Robert is invited to parties, if it's not a family invite, we don't go (unless it's a work function, then we try to get him to at least half of those at least to make an appearance). When I'm invited out, it's not at night, and since DH works over weekends, it's always me and DS anyway. So if my friends don't want to hang with the Boy, I don't get invited anyway!


Sometimes Robert wants to go paintballing, but finances stop that from happening (he has NO equipment, has to rent it all). Sometimes he wants to see a movie, and sometimes that gets to happen, but it's usually finances or his friends being unreasonable (they want to go north of Seattle while we live in Tacoma, making one movie turn into a 6 hour long thing with driving, parking previews, talking about the movie, leaving, and driving factored in...and since they all work weekends too, at least part of that trip will be in the regular commuter times around here) about it.

But overall, we're both just VERY glad our far-too-long time being single and fancy-free is over, and we just enjoy being together as a family, and figure out how to do that while having fun (last night we all went to a co-worker's party and had a most excellent time, impressing everyone with how much our 2 year old enjoyed the company of adults)!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
17,022 Posts
It doesn't bother me when dh goes out. With so many kids here lately (we have a friend and her boys living with us, so there are five kids under six), I'm totally supportive so him wanting a break. I can handle hands on time with the kids for longer than he can and I respect that.

However, he doesn't go out very often, maybe every other week (sometimes once a week). It would probably matter to me if he did it more.
 
1 - 15 of 15 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top