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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
DD has started to act a little "violently" sometimes--throwing things, hitting me or her sister, etc. It happens when she is frustrated with me or her sister, most often, because she doesn't like what one of us is doing, wants attention, is upset that she can't have her way.<br><br>
I know that ideally I need to head some of these occurances off at the pass, but when and if they do happen, how do you handle them?<br><br>
DD is three in a little over a month...any help with this is much appreciated. I am having a hard time with time outs because she won't stay put, and with a one year old, I can't really keep her in one place well, either.<br><br>
I suppose I need help with discipline in general...any thoughts appreciated!
 

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Best of luck to you Mama! Hitting is one of the hardest things we've had to deal with it.<br><br>
We handled it by:<br>
1. being firm but gentle letting our ds know that hitting hurts others and is not acceptable<br><br>
2. teaching ds more expressive words to use when he was frustrated like "give me space please" or "no, i don't like that".<br><br>
3. started a lot of empathy work in a non-reprimanding voice "What do you think? When your friend hit you did you remember how that felt to you?"<br><br>
4. and then during our worst times we did lay down rules about leaving a play area if he was hitting and explaining to him that I need to make sure the other kids are safe. At home if he hit, I would take him in the other room with me and let him know that I needed it to be safe and we'd wait there until he could control his body.<br><br>
HTH!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>wfuteach</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9056336"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">DD has started to act a little "violently" sometimes--throwing things, hitting me or her sister, etc. It happens when she is frustrated with me or her sister, most often, because she doesn't like what one of us is doing, wants attention, is upset that she can't have her way.<br><br>
I know that ideally I need to head some of these occurances off at the pass, but when and if they do happen, how do you handle them?<br><br>
DD is three in a little over a month...any help with this is much appreciated. I am having a hard time with time outs because she won't stay put, and with a one year old, I can't really keep her in one place well, either.<br><br>
I suppose I need help with discipline in general...any thoughts appreciated!</div>
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Wow! Thanks so much for posting this. It is extremely relevant to me right now. My child has started to act out a little toward me (and only me) when not getting my undivided attention.<br><br>
For instance, if I am on the phone, my child has started to hit me. If I am talking to someone in person, the same thing. Etc, etc.<br><br>
It is just with me. Not dad. Not anyone else...yet...and hopefully never. Some of the hitting is quite hard and aggressive.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Danaoc</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9056518"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Best of luck to you Mama! Hitting is one of the hardest things we've had to deal with it.<br><br>
We handled it by:<br>
1. being firm but gentle letting our ds know that hitting hurts others and is not acceptable<br><br>
2. teaching ds more expressive words to use when he was frustrated like "give me space please" or "no, i don't like that".<br><br>
3. started a lot of empathy work in a non-reprimanding voice "What do you think? When your friend hit you did you remember how that felt to you?"<br><br>
4. and then during our worst times we did lay down rules about leaving a play area if he was hitting and explaining to him that I need to make sure the other kids are safe. At home if he hit, I would take him in the other room with me and let him know that I needed it to be safe and we'd wait there until he could control his body.<br><br>
HTH!</div>
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<br>
Thank you for posting this as well! These steps sound like what I have done when my child hits or throws things. Just yesterday, we had an episode where a bowl was thrown in a tantrum and broke all over the floor. Needless to say, I had a test of GD parenting because 1) my child was very upset 2) I was very upset 3) there was broken glass everywhere posing a danger to everyone 4) the situation needed to be dealt with immediately<br><br>
In that instance, I did a quick explanation of why throwing things is dangerous and not acceptable. I said I understood why it happened and what I hoped would happen instead in the future. And then we had a time out while I cleaned up the mess (and also so DC could be in a safe, contained area while the glass was cleaned up).<br><br>
I don't always like to use explained time outs, but they work so well in situations like this that require quick action and removal of the child from a dangerous situation.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Danaoc</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9056518"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Best of luck to you Mama! Hitting is one of the hardest things we've had to deal with it.<br><br>
We handled it by:<br>
1. being firm but gentle letting our ds know that hitting hurts others and is not acceptable<br><br>
2. teaching ds more expressive words to use when he was frustrated like "give me space please" or "no, i don't like that".<br><br>
3. started a lot of empathy work in a non-reprimanding voice "What do you think? When your friend hit you did you remember how that felt to you?"<br><br>
4. and then during our worst times we did lay down rules about leaving a play area if he was hitting and explaining to him that I need to make sure the other kids are safe. At home if he hit, I would take him in the other room with me and let him know that I needed it to be safe and we'd wait there until he could control his body.<br><br>
HTH!</div>
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These are great suggestions! I like that you included number 4. As I've thought ahead of time what my "discipline plan" will be if and when my DC is aggressive towards other children (in the future, since it's never happened), I very much support what you have said: leaving the play area and explaining that the play area is an area for fun and safety, not hitting, kicking, etc.
 

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Very first thing I'd suggest, is get rid of the time outs. They create a divide, and don't solve the problem. They don't address the reason for the hitting, and give an acceptable way for dc to express themselves instead of hitting. They create an adversarial relationship. Imo, things have to be harder with an adversarial relationship, than a working together one.<br>
Punishments, at best, teach kids to behave for self centered reasons.<br><br>
(sorry for lazy linking, but this article is great, and, well, why recreate the wheel? lol)<br><a href="http://www.naturalchild.com/jan_hunt/looking_past.html" target="_blank">Looking Past the Behavior</a><br><br>
What I do in response to hitting:<br>
I say, firmly and seriously "Don't hit. I don't like to be hit." and depending on the situation (if it calms down fast) I'll explain that further.<br>
I try to figure out why. If he's hitting because he's trying to get my attention, I'll say "If you want to play, say 'mom, play with me.'" Give him a very specific way to express the impulse the impulse. If they don't learn a better way to express themselves, they will resort to the best way they know, and in many cases, that means continuing hitting.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Deva33mommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9060761"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">What I do in response to hitting:<br>
I say, firmly and seriously "Don't hit. I don't like to be hit." and depending on the situation (if it calms down fast) I'll explain that further.<br>
I try to figure out why. If he's hitting because he's trying to get my attention, I'll say "If you want to play, say 'mom, play with me.'" Give him a very specific way to express the impulse the impulse. If they don't learn a better way to express themselves, they will resort to the best way they know, and in many cases, that means continuing hitting.</div>
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This is very typical of what happens, but I don't see much of a change or an improvement, and it's been going on for awhile now...I guess I was hoping for a quick fix...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Thanks for the other thoughts ladies...I will keep them in mind. I am new to gentle discipline, and don't know much about it. But I do know that I am unhappy with the way discipline has been for us lately, and I want to find something to help us work together better.<br><br>
Thanks again. Any more insights or thoughts...keep 'em coming!
 

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Also, how old is your dd? I ask because I am reading a book called Raising a Thinking Child which focuses on problem solving techniques (geared towards 4 years of age and on). I REALLY like it and in conjunction with our GD practices it is helping me with concrete ways to show my son that there are alternative solutions to problems (he usually resorts to hitting out of frustration, reaction, etc.) He's 3.5 and he's really starting to pick up on it and is hitting MUCH less. I think this book is helpful no matter what age a child is.
 

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Just taking notes... we're in the same boat here. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:
 

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With a verbal 3 yo I think you'd find the book and its method helpful. They are simple word combinations and it starts putting an emphasis on empathy building and problem solving. And the method from Raising a Thinking Child can be used in every day language very easily. It's really been helpful in having us look at EVERYTHING that can provoke whining, hitting, tantrums, etc. as problems that all have alternate solutions. It's been great for us.<br>
Good luck!
 

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I second the reccomendationf for "Raising A Thinking Child". Great book, especially if you want to raise your child in a mutual problem solving sort of relationship.<br><br>
What we did for hitting.<br><br>
1. Say "stop" and stop them. If this means holding their hand, do so.<br><br>
2. Tell them what to do. Give him a script. "You may not hit. If you want Zach to give you the truck say 'Please give me the truck Zach.' can you say that?"<br><br>
That's baisically it. Stop the behavior and teach them what to do instead. Prevent situations where hitting is likely to occur. Step in early when you see her getting frustrated and help her to calm down.<br><br>
Remember: telling kids what NOT to do only frustrates them. Telling them what TO do empowers them.
 
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