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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
this little problem of mine keeps repeating itself over the last few years and it finally dawned on me, i can aske HERE!

i am, presumably to the generally public, a straight female, because of my monogamous hetero marriage. i am, in reality, way more like bi than stright. and naturally, when i am out and about in the world, socializing with fellow parents from dds school mostly, i get crushes. i dont know how often other folks get crushes, but it seems like i have one more often than not. i just always kind of figure its how i am.

anyway,when i have a crush on a man, its a little less complicated, in that, i know any romance has to stay in fantasy, in order to honor the terms of my marriage. also, i pretty much am not in the habit of having more than friendly conversation with men. i dont spend time with them as friends, you know going on walks or out to tea or what have you. not that it would be wrong, but i personally just havent.

more often my crushes are on female friends. and here's where it gets all slippery and confusing and my brain gets all tangled up and i cant talk right......because naturally, i want to spend time with her and i want her to know i think she's cool. but i really am super afraid of her realizing i have romantic feelings too, because then im afraid she wouldnt want to hang out.
so i dont want to lose the friendship, or make waves in a social situation thats going to have to last a long time (small school, small community, likely kids will be in class togeather 8+ yrs) but then, i can never figure just how to act.

and it hasnt come up yet, but in a super tight community like ours, over the years, it seems likely that it might come up that i like women too. i dont want to hide, and i know in our liberal school it would be totally fine, except personally, i am so afraid of folks wonering if i am liking them in something more than platonic terms. i dont know why it seems so scarry. i guess i worry people wont trust me or something, i dont know. is this sounding familiar to anyone.

does any of this resonate with anyone? ideas, thoughts, advice?
 

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nak

i bet dh doesn't "get" the scope of your inclinations
i say women are hot all the time, but i've never even had an irl crush
plus, i know my dh would absolutely consider it cheating if i were to pursue anyone that way. gender doesn't make a diff as to what defines cheating imo.
 

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I think it is time for you to talk to your dh.

I currently have a crush on a young woman but I know I have to keep it a fantasy because my dh would definitely consider it cheating if I took it anywhere - b/c as pp said, the gender would not matter. And fantasies are nice and fun to have anyway, lol!


Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
i editied out the parts about dh, because while it makes the issue foggier, it isnt really the biggest question for me. i really more wonder about the social complications right now. or maybe they arent complications, just uncertainties in my head. i guess i dont know how to explain it.
 

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I dont know what to tell you, but I did just go check out your profile in hopes that you were perhaps my secret crush within my own community. hehhheheheh.

But seriously, these are the things that you need to work out in your own head. Within a marriage, if both partners arent completely aware of the situation- and accepting, it most likely will come back at you- the one that wandered. And like myself, in my own marriage, it will be the core of all arguments.....

Not even to touch on the conversation of the other woman and what a relationship could do to her own family.....

But I have my own basket of issues to work out- I wish you luck before you act on your thoughts.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
thankyou to all who replyed so far. i guess the question i am trying to ask isnt really about actually persuing a romantic relationship with some woman. i am pretty sure dh wouldnt go for it. its more like, how do you handle crushes on friends. because obviously, i am going to spend time with other women. and inevitably, i am going to end up with some crushes. but i am just kind of grappling with how do i act platonically when the feelings are not. and the fear that if i overstep, someone i really care about as a friend might realize that i like them in a certain extra kind of way, and that sounds really scarry to me. obviously i am not wanting to ruin a good friendship with someone i will know for years to come. it seems to me like something anyone- bi lesbian or gay male would come up against eventually. i am trying to be clear with a really abstract kind of not very black and white answer kind of question.

azedazobollis,
darn! too bad that didnt work out. oh, wait, probably just as well.
 

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I've had them before, but I'm gay. No bi here at all


I would just let them go if you know that DH isn't going to allow it to be like that. I could never bring myself to tell you to leave a marriage.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by sunbaby View Post
thankyou to all who replyed so far. i guess the question i am trying to ask isnt really about actually persuing a romantic relationship with some woman. i am pretty sure dh wouldnt go for it. its more like, how do you handle crushes on friends. because obviously, i am going to spend time with other women. and inevitably, i am going to end up with some crushes. but i am just kind of grappling with how do i act platonically when the feelings are not. and the fear that if i overstep, someone i really care about as a friend might realize that i like them in a certain extra kind of way, and that sounds really scarry to me. obviously i am not wanting to ruin a good friendship with someone i will know for years to come. it seems to me like something anyone- bi lesbian or gay male would come up against eventually. i am trying to be clear with a really abstract kind of not very black and white answer kind of question.

azedazobollis,
darn! too bad that didnt work out. oh, wait, probably just as well.
I am in a different, yet I think similar situation. I am in a monogomous relationship with another woman, and I identify as bisexual. I get crushes on friends (male and female) all the time. When they do happen I try to look at why do I have this crush. For example, I developed an intense crush on our sperm donor earlier this year. Part of it was from the fact that he was extremely attentive to me, and my DP was kind of ignoring me. He would do things like go get me food that I was craving early in my pregnancy. I ended up talking to DP about it-because what I was wanting was not this guy-but the attention he was giving me. I was not getting that kind of attention anywhere else. It was hard to tell DP, but she was able to hear that I wanted some more attention from HER. Eventually the crush faded away.

For me with any crush it does help to tell my DP. We can talk openly about stuff like this-and it takes the power of the crush away. It also reminds me that I'm not dead-it's normal to feel attracted to someone else-but I do have a commitment that I am not willing to give up. DP is very special and she also understands that I would never cheat on her. She also tells me when she feels attracted to someone else-and I think it's really cute because she feels so guilty!!

I don't know if this would work in your relationship-it's what works for us. I hope it helps!
 

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I think it's totally normal, and that friends get crushes on each other all the time (straight/gay/bi . . . EVERYONE). If a crush develops to the point that you feel like you'd rather be with that person than with your partner, then it's a problem (assuming your not poly). Otherwise, I think crushes are just something to enjoy a bit. They can help you to develop a friendship.

When I was 20, I got a really big crush on a new friend. Dw was gone almost all the time working, and I ended up having an affair. Dw and I broke up, I dated the other woman for a couple of months, was single for a couple of months, and dw and I ended up getting back together. It was a BIG mess, and we didn't even have kids yet! When all was said and done, I think the experience was actually really good for my relationship with dw. We ended up in a much stronger place than we'd been in before. I think the biggest loss to come from it all was the loss of my friend (we aren't on speaking terms at this point). I really loved her and we had such an amazing connection, and I think we would have been lifelong friends otherwise.

I think your fear of your friends finding out about your crushes sounds like you're struggling with some internalized homophobia. It sounds to me like you feel like there's something wrong about your feelings, and you're projecting that your friends will feel that way too. I don't think it's anything to actually worry about. If your friends ARE homophobic then I'm guessing they'd never think to think that you (their "straight" friend) had a crush on them. Regardless, unless you came right out and told someone you had a crush on them, I don't see how they'd ever find out.



Lex
 

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Well, honestly I do want to have sex with many, many women that I come in contact with right now. Not the old lady down the street or anything but yes I have huge fricking urges to be with a lot of women…am I the "bi chick" your mother has warned you about? Maybe so.

I am married to a man. We are totally honest about everything. We have an open marriage (this term creeps me out btw). I used to think I could have a poly relationship with four people, eh, a quad? but this is too hard for me to do.

I call myself bisexual but I don't feel that this label is accurate.
I am attracted to women and one man. I have absolutely no attraction to any other men.
I'm not a lesbian because my love for my husband spills into physical affection often.

As far as how do I handle all of these feelings goes, currently I am working on keeping my pants buttoned, zipped, and belted and getting to know people better rather than jumping into a cycle of casual encounters. I also don't worry if people think I'm trying to seduce them with my sexual prowess (thanks davi)….if you knew me you'd find this hilarious. I'm not slick.

I have lost friends over this. I have also destroyed some love relationships too. As far as which of my friends/family are accepting with where I'm at right now I have been surprised for both the good and the bad. Some of my friends that claimed to be incredibly open minded have fully rejected the situation. So you may think your liberal friends could be down with it all but it's really a twist on things that I think many people haven't accepted.
 

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I had a killer crush on my best friend for several years. When I was single, I finally told her how I felt about her, which was utterly heart-wrenching. She wasn't surprised, but felt badly that she hadn't been more open to hearing about it from me, so I'd sort of carried it around on my own for a really long time.

Things were weird for a while after I told her, but she knew, because I promised her, that I didn't need her to be anything other than what she already was to me, that I didn't want any more than I was already getting from her, and that I loved her with all my heart.

That was, what, four years ago? Five? Three? Something. She's still my best friend. I've never hit on her or anything, and the crush has long since subsided.
 

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This has for sure been a problem for me in finding and keeping friends. I meet someone I like and the only way my mind seems to react is to want to make out with them. This was mostly okay when I was single, but now that I'm a married attached parent I have more than myself to consider. Anything that goes on would be around my child and so I feel I have an obligation to ensure that my actions take place within a stable emotional relationship of some sort. It's not like I can have my husband hold the baby for a few minutes while I go fool around with my latest crush. This thread encouraged a really great conversation between my husband and I last night and I'm so happy to know he and I are on the same page.
As for trying to hide a crush, I think I'm usually really, really transparent so it's not worth trying to hide. If I can't look you in the eye, make a proper sentence, and try really hard to act like I don't care you're there, I'm probaby crushing on you.
 

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To the OP,

I reread your post and would like to give you more insight as I'm currently coming out with the dynamics of my family. So what I will say is all from my perspective and from my situation. Or rather this may or may not be anything you experience.

When I tell people, I tend to get scores of blunt questions. I really don't mind the questions but it also takes a lot to offend me. I actually think the questions are good and they even help me to understand things better.

Common questions I get are:
  • What about Mr Fireant?
  • Are you guys getting divorced?
  • Are you doing this for Mr Fireant?
  • Do you let him watch?
  • Are you cheating?
  • How can Mr Fireant not be enough for you?
I also get some very blunt statements. These can sting sometimes; it really depends on who is saying them.
  • Therapy could help to cure you.
  • I hope you are not destroying your family.
  • Don't f- this up (meaning my family).
And it also gets people to come out to me. I have heard from more than a few people statements like this:
  • If you only knew my past.

For me, coming out as having an open marriage is ten times harder than coming out as bi. I suppose this is because when I came out as bi I was young, without a family, and dating a woman. Now I'm almost 30, have a wonderful child, and married to an amazing man.

Another thing I've encountered is people not wanting me to talk about this around their children. I'm not fully sure how I feel about this yet as I'm still trying to process many of my thoughts and feelings.

Definitely, having a strong support system is key. If you can surround yourself with strong supportive people it really helps.
 

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I didn't read all the replies but I wanted to chime in.

I am equally attracted to men and women. I have gotten crushes on both genders. In the hollywood world when it comes to people I obviously would never get a chance with, I have huge crushes on Elisa Dushku and Jessica Alba and actually find myself swooning when I see them. There are male actors as well that get the same response from me so I don't seem to have a preference. I do nothing to suppress those crushes as they're famous people that I'll more than likely never meet so I don't feel badly about crushes hehe.

When it comes to people I KNOW, I've had crushes on both genders as well. I tend to get little crushes on my friends that I get along with the best. I ignore them especially with the girls bc while they KNOW I'm bi, I don't ever want to make them feel uncomfortable around me. Any odd off the wall feelings I may get towards a friend, I ignore it and try my best to get rid of it and never act on it.

Now here's the kicker for me- I haven't been with a female since I was 14! Yeah I'm a little ashamed that I started being sexual that young but that's neither here nor there, the point is, it's been 7 very long years and there is definitely an itch that I feel DP cannot scratch bc he is a man. He knows I'm bi, he is 100% a-ok with me being bi, he's also 100% ok with a threesome so I can scratch my itch but we haven't found a person we're wanting to ask kwim?

All of my friends know I'm bi and they're accepting of it. My one friend is really straight but when we were 16, I slept in her bed every time I slept over at her house. First off, she was comfortable enough to let my bi self sleep at her house AND she let me sleep in her bed with her bc it was comfier than the floor or couch and she KNEW I wouldn't try anything. She also let me kiss her a few times but it was for comedic purposes and I knew that all along
When we were in school there was a group of girls that kept implying that she was a lesbian and calling her all kinds of derogatory names. They never once said those things to me even though I was quite open about being bi. SOoooo every time said mean girls were around, my friend and I kissed JUST to provoke a reaction
We found it to be hilarious but it never meant anything to either of us. She was comfortable enough with my sexuality and her own though to allow that stuff to happen and she knew that I would never make any type of advance.

I honestly feel that if they're good friends, they'd be accepting of your sexuality and they wouldn't assume that you were going to hit on them. With time you can also learn to control and unwanted emotions you may have.

I also tell DP about every single crush I get- by airing my crushes like that it kind of helps them go away.
 
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