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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am new to the concept of GD, and I was looking for some feedback on how you handle your own issues: impatience, temper, frustration, etc.<br><br>
Sometimes I know that I shout at my daughter (3) when I am feeling frustrated about certain things she does that set me off (whining is the biggest one). I know I am the one who needs to change here, and wonder how you mom's do it.<br><br>
Do you still have things that set you off when your children do them? How do you handle them?<br><br>
I am sure you ladies aren't perfect, and that GD isn't some magic cure all. But I find myself drawn to some of the ideas you ladies are presenting. I just wonder how you actually implement them all.<br><br>
Also, I wonder if there are other mothers like me who are turning to a more gentle approach once finding that what they are currently doing isn't working. I read something by Peggy O'Mara the other day (probably from a bookmark here) about how she used to spank and punish, and it wasn't until she realized that those things didn't work that she changed...I just wonder if there are others of "us" out there who are learning from our mistakes and trying to be better parents.
 

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Kelly - I so agree that the hardest part of GD is dealing with your own stuff!<br><br>
I've read several books that have helped me think about and difuse some of my issues:<br>
Becky Bailey's Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline is great<br>
Anything by Alice ****** - really makes you think about how you were raised and why we perpetuate what was done to us<br>
and<br>
the Dark Side of the Light chasers - totally hokey name but it's all about dealing with your "shadow" side and all those things that just p*ss you off - it's a really enlightening way to think about why particular things affect you the way they do<br><br>
It's quite a journey, I must say. My older DD is my current guru! I've learned so much just trying to be a better mom to her....<br><br>
good luck<br>
peace,<br>
robyn
 

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Kelly, I am so inspired by your post - it's awesome to see that you are recognizing you want to find a parenting style that works for you and your 2 dd's. I was raised with a parenting style that I did NOT want to repeat, so I know that journey and it can be a difficult but oh so rewarding one!<br><br>
IMO the first and most important aspect, and it seems like you are there with this, is taking OUR OWN responsibility in all our actions and words with our kids. We need to teach, guide, model, and most of all show them our unconditional love. When THIS is our priority (rather than controlling them), we can adjust our own behaviors, we can show them we are human, we can WORK with them, we can apologize to them when we mess up, and we can enjoy experiencing the little beautiful human beings they will evolve to be.<br><br>
Secondly, continue evaluating what else you can do. I turn to books (Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn), the internet, talking to other moms, reading these boards, talking with my dh, talking with my sister who works with kids and everywhere else that will offer support or different perspectives. I am always open to learning something new that may work for my child. And when we have issues that come up, I go over in my head what I can do for next time. And I apologize to my kid and let him know what my plan is for next time.<br><br>
One other thing that catapulted this whole journey for me because I was in a downward spiral of failing to be the mother and wife I wanted to be was doing the Landmark Forum. It's an educational seminar that showed me the cost of my words & actions - basically there are no do-overs in life.<br><br>
Best of luck to you Kelly, and I really hope that if you feel there are specific issues you want to address that you can come here or pm me for anything!
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks for the suggestions and encouragement, ladies! I really appreciate the help!<br><br>
Oh, and Danaoc, I was pretty excited to see you mention the apologizing. I know that I am not perfect, but I have always, always done this with my daughters when I yell, get upset, lose my temper, etc. My mother has always given me sort of a hard time about it, but it has always felt like the right thing to do. I've even seen my daughter model it when she plays with her dolls ("I'm sorry that I got frustrated with you Care Bear. Next time please...") I thought that was on the right track GD wise...
 

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Hi there! I'm so glad you talked about apologizing to your children. I've always done that too...apologizing to my son when I yell, or throw something down (and we're trying to teach him not to do that, lol). Since I first came across the GD board, I've been watching and learning. Lately, the biggest thing that stares me in the face, holding up the mirror to me of my own actions is my son. I watch him get angry and frustrated and I see his actions and tones in his voice and I know he is doing exactly what I do. Even said to me one day, "do you want me to throw this?" In a very parental tone like, hey, if you don't do what I want, I'm going to xyz... It's been quite the wakeup call for me to change my behavior. To practice calm and peace. I'm learning, very new to all this, haven't read books yet, haven't studied child development. But what I do know is that yesterday, I focused on being calm, even when he was shouting no and whining and I focused on helping him see what I would like to hear rather than the whine. I was calm and happier and in turn he grew calm and happier. It's amazing to watch that. Our kids are mirrors of how we are acting and behaving. That's why hitting my child to teach him that hitting doesn't work makes absolutely no sense to me at all (that's not to say I don't have moments of frustration where I want to spank him...though I don't). Or hitting to teach about anything for that matter. It's about modeling, guiding, sharing, loving.<br><br>
Also, on another thread, another mama talked about giving our kids more love when they are frustrated or acting out. She would tell her kids all the ways she loves them. We've been doing that here too...and my son loves it. I asked him (he's almost 3) if he liked hearing it when I was telling him I loved him when he was happy, I loved him when he was angry etc. and he nodded and said yes.<br><br>
Lots and lots of love. And humbleness and accepting ourselves, allowing ourselves to be human. And everyday, choosing peace.<br><br>
Thanks for sharing!
 

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I always apologize to my DD if I lose my temper and tell her that sometimes I just get frustrated. I think it's great for them to know we're human!<br><br>
I usually only lose it if I'm too tired. Otherwise, I think I do pretty well. If DD keeps doing something that's annoying me - I do something so that she can't do it anymore or I take care of her needs first. For example, she kept coming in the baby's room when I was trying to put him down for a nap. But I figured out it was snack time so now I make sure she has a snack before I but the baby to bed.<br><br>
Mostly, I just realized that it is so much easier to stay calm and not get into power struggles otherwise it just takes so much longer! We can usually come to a compromise. I'd like to think that DD is so cooperative because I respect her.<br><br>
Another example - this morning she grabbed a little bag of graham cracker snacks out of her cupboard and that's what she wanted to have for breakfast. If I'd just said "NO" it might have degenerated into a tantrum - but I told her they were for later and that we needed to have breakfast food for breakfast. I asked her to go put them in the diaper bag so we'd remember to eat them later. She was perfectly happy to do that! She's 2 1/2 (almost).<br><br>
The other important thing is to take care of yourself - it's much easier to stay calm and find alternatives if your brain is working well and you feel pretty good. I make sure I take my fish oils and my vitamins. I cut out dairy and most sugar and processed foods. It makes a huge difference!!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lbp215</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9089746"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">But what I do know is that yesterday, I focused on being calm, even when he was shouting no and whining and I focused on helping him see what I would like to hear rather than the whine. I was calm and happier and in turn he grew calm and happier. It's amazing to watch that. Our kids are mirrors of how we are acting and behaving.<br><br>
Also, on another thread, another mama talked about giving our kids more love when they are frustrated or acting out. She would tell her kids all the ways she loves them. We've been doing that here too...and my son loves it. I asked him (he's almost 3) if he liked hearing it when I was telling him I loved him when he was happy, I loved him when he was angry etc. and he nodded and said yes.</div>
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Thanks lbp215! Your post is exactly my experience! It's a beautiful cycle to get more into the loving/happier spiral rather than a downward one. We used to be 70% frustration, 30% happy, and now it is 98% happy & 2% frustration! And all because I've turned it around with my own actions & attitude and my ds has responded in kind. And I'm so glad you enjoyed my post about love flooding! It was something I wanted to share because it is so POWERFUL!<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Mostly, I just realized that it is so much easier to stay calm and not get into power struggles otherwise it just takes so much longer! We can usually come to a compromise. I'd like to think that DD is so cooperative because I respect her.</td>
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Yes, yes, yes! I find this too. And I think it teaches them such great negotiating/problem solving skills. We're seeing ds use "What else can we do here? What other solution is there?" with his friends rather than hitting.
 

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Do I have things that set me off? Heck yeah! lol. And whining is one of the biggest ones. Omg, it's like when he whines, my brain stops functioning. lol. My first impulse is to yell something like "stop whining!" really helpful, right? lol<br><br>
What helps me with whining is to have a script. If you do a search on this board for "whining" you'll find a bunch of threads with ideas for scripts (you might have to look some pages back). My current script is "I hear that you have a need. I need you to ask in a regular voice."<br>
I like that it addresses that I know he has a need, and that *I* am the one who doesn't like to hear whining. It's not as good as the one I had before, but that one took way too much patience that I wasn't feeling.<br>
Oh, and it's important that dc know exactly what whining is. My ds didn't at first, and was just really confused by my telling him to stop whining. He had no idea what I wanted him to stop doing!<br><br>
I've been into GD from the time ds was a little baby. BUT...I also have this societal conditioning...my first reaction is sometimes quite non-gd. Reading books helped a lot. Secret of Parenting, Loving Your Child Is Not Enough, Becoming the Parent You Want To Be, Unconditional Parenting, etc. And I love Jan Hunt- both her book Natural Child:parenting from the Heart and her website <a href="http://www.naturalchild.com" target="_blank">www.naturalchild.com</a>.<br>
Can you tell I love to read? lol.<br>
Secret of Parenting is a bit strict for my ideals, but it really has helped me keep my cool in situations where before I would have lost it.<br><br>
But all in all, I think it's just been a process. I decide what my ideals are. Then when I don't meet them, I recognize my mistake, apologize, and try to think about the situation, and a better way to deal with it next time. Then I let it go. Holding on to it (after I've learned from it) doesn't do anything but put a damper on my progress.<br>
There've been times I've slightly changed my ideals. So it's not set in stone.<br><br>
Another thing that sometimes helps in the moment, is to consider if I'd want to post about that moment here. lol.
 
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