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How do you know if dad is genuine

820 Views 9 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  L.J.
I have a quick question for everyone or anyone. If a father wanted to be in his baby's life, he would be, right? And how do you know if a father genuinely loves his baby? In my situation, for a lot of different reasons, especially the fact that I wasn't convinced my baby's father truly loved him, I told him that if he leaved us alone I wouldn't pursue him for child support, which he accepted. I was very confident about my decision for about 8 months (heard not a word from the dad), but now I'm beginning to second guess myself. I even went to see him a couple weeks ago (don't ask), and he said to call him if I ever want him to be a daddy.

Part of me still thinks he's trying to fool me and everyone else, perhaps even himself. But then a small part of me wonders if I'm keeping him from our son and if this is what's best for him.

It is an extremely complicated situation with a lot to it. But I guess my main question is...why wouldn't he just take me to court if he really wanted to be in his son's life? I've learned the hard way that I cannot deal with him on any level, so there is no way I would arrange something informally with him.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. I just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing. Thanks.
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If a father wanted to be in his baby's life, he would be, right?
You've said it, right there! It's seems so simple, and yet I totally feel myself questioning my decision about the absence of ds' father too. Only time will tell, there are no quick, easy answers to this question. Someone told me that distrust happens because of a history/trend of actions and trust needs to be built on a new history/trend. I often feel myself questioning my decision when I am feeling lonely, when I want someone to share my pride of Zane with, etc. So maybe try to evaluate what you are feeling and why, sometimes that helps me to get over my self doubt.
My situation is wierd too, but I've found that I don't particularly want to keep ds from his dad, I just want it to be an optimum family situation (doesn't everyone?). SO I feel that when ds' dad is showing me he is ready then we'll start from there. Hope this helps. Much love,
I do believe that if a person wants to be with someone else they will stop at nothing to make it all happen. Actions speak louder than words.

I know father's who have been relentless trying to get the right to see their kids more often, be with their kids at any opportunity, etc. If the desire is there, they will pursue it passionately.

My ex likes to have an opportunity to blame someone else. If he doesn't really want to be a dad.....he tries to spin it in some crazy way so he can tell everyone that the "b---ch won't let him see his kids!" Maybe your ex is looking for an "easy out" too. If you don't give him the "green light" then he can say the reason he isn't a dad is only because you won't let him. It's an easier way for men who really don't want to be a hands on dad to get away with it in a socially acceptable manner.

I have never kept the kids from their father. I have made it clear that he can have access to them basically anytime, anyday, unless of course, we have made other plans. He knows that he can have unlimited access and still chooses to only see them 2 days per month. His choice, his loss.

I have chosen to make it easy for my ex to be with his kids if he wants to so that I could look at my children and tell them honestly that I did my part to make it happen. But after that it is my ex's decision and the relationship he has with the kids is really none of my business. If he doesn't want to participate, I let that happen. If he wanted to see them more, I would be accomodating. The fact is, right now, he doesn't and he shows it daily through his actions.
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So L.J., do you think I should bring my son to see his dad? It's funny you mention him needing an out because that's exactly what I figured out a while ago. When I initially asked him to leave us alone and I wouldn't pursue him for child support, he blew up at me. But when I asked him if it would make things easier if I took my baby and moved out of town, he said yes as long as I moved out of state. I drafted a document outlining this and he signed it and mailed it back. The reason I even suggested moving is b/c I got the impression that he just needed to be able to tell people he did what he could but I took the baby and split town. Even when I was pregnant (after 3 months of pressuring me to terminate the pregnancy and even him saying "I pray to God that you miscarry") he said that if I was going to have the baby, he was going to be involved b/c he didn't want people thinking he was a deadbeat dad.

Even when I went to see him 2 weeks ago (God, I'm so stupid) he said how he wanted to be a daddy, but in practically the same breath, he reminded me that he still has a copy of that document. I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I have some serious concerns about him being in my son's life (ie. he verbally and emotionally abused me, the absolute disrespect he had for my pregnancy, the fact that his parents don't acknowledge my son as their grandchild, etc), but I also want to make sure I'm doing the right thing and that my son will be pleased with my decisions.
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L.J., I would also just like to mention that as opposed to the access that you grant your ex, for the last 8 months I've done everything I can to make sure that bastard doesn't try to get back into our lives (with the exception of going to see him). I have moved us out of town, making sure that he knows nothing about us. His brother has dated my sister for the last 5 years (yeah, this is where it really gets soap opera-esque), so I made the decision to not be at family functions that his brother is at b/c I don't want him seeing my son either. All along, I've been doing all this to protect my son. I'm not sure why I'm beginning to rethink things. I guess I'm wondering if what I've been protecting him from is bad enough to continue protecting him from. I don't know. I know part of it is because I see him more and more in my son each day, and loving my son so much, lately I've been thinking about the good qualities in his dad.

Originally Posted by ecrocks23
If a father wanted to be in his baby's life, he would be, right? And how do you know if a father genuinely loves his baby?
Yep. If a Dad wants to be involved, he will be. Actions speak louder
than words. You may never know how he really feels. You don't
know how much he loves, doesn't love, your child.

In my case dd's Dad was involved somewhat for the first two years
of her life. Usually threw paternal family occasions. I thought of him
as a holiday Dad. Grand gestures during holidays (in front of his family),
too busy the rest of the year.
Last year he decided to start over with his girlfriend and with out our
daughter in his life. Some tried to advice me to take him to court, they
wanted me to get mad, and to "make him pay". That isn't like me. But
I am not mad, I am more sad, sad for my dd.
I don't know if you feel like this, but.... For the first 4 years of dd's life
I kept thinking that there was some secret I hadn't figured out yet. That
there was something I could do to bring Dad and dd closer together. I
finally figured out there was no secret. That I could bend over backward
for the rest of our lives, but I couldn't create that bond. I can only keep
the door open for him to come back, but I can't make it happen.

I wish you the best
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Thank you all so much for your responses! Trinity, do you think that, according to what I've written, that I've left the door open for him? Or do you think I should be doing more?

Originally Posted by ecrocks23
So L.J., do you think I should bring my son to see his dad?
From what you've written, I would probably say no. Like Trinity, I spent quite some time going out of my way thinking I could "make" him be a good dad. But, when I realized he just wasn't that interested (he always had an excuse) I stopped making the effort and I just made sure he knows how to contact us should he decide he wants to be an involved parent.

I needed, for my own conscience, to make sure he knows how to find us and then the rest is really up to him. Is it possible for him to find you? Do you pay bills in your name? Does your sister know where you are? If so, he could find you if he truly wants to and if he doesn't or hasn't thus far, then your lives will move forward and I wouldn't think more about it.

I hope that helps. I'm not trying to suggest what to do, only you can decide that. I'm just offering what I've done & experienced and maybe that will help you make your decisions and feel good about what you choose.
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L.J. yes, I pay bills in my name and my sister does know where I live. However, I am paying the extra $2.50 per month for an unlisted phone number. I don't know. I think we just need to to move on with our life and forget about that sob.

Originally Posted by ecrocks23
L.J. yes, I pay bills in my name and my sister does know where I live. However, I am paying the extra $2.50 per month for an unlisted phone number. I don't know. I think we just need to to move on with our life and forget about that sob.
So if he really had a burning desire to be a father to his child.....he could and WOULD find you.

Sometimes moving on is the very best thing for a family. You cannot force someone to be what you want or need them to be and sometimes cutting your losses is truly the best for everyone involved.
I wish you well!
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