How do you know if dad is genuine

I do believe that if a person wants to be with someone else they will stop at nothing to make it all happen. Actions speak louder than words.

I know father's who have been relentless trying to get the right to see their kids more often, be with their kids at any opportunity, etc. If the desire is there, they will pursue it passionately.

My ex likes to have an opportunity to blame someone else. If he doesn't really want to be a dad.....he tries to spin it in some crazy way so he can tell everyone that the "b---ch won't let him see his kids!" Maybe your ex is looking for an "easy out" too. If you don't give him the "green light" then he can say the reason he isn't a dad is only because you won't let him. It's an easier way for men who really don't want to be a hands on dad to get away with it in a socially acceptable manner.

I have never kept the kids from their father. I have made it clear that he can have access to them basically anytime, anyday, unless of course, we have made other plans. He knows that he can have unlimited access and still chooses to only see them 2 days per month. His choice, his loss.

I have chosen to make it easy for my ex to be with his kids if he wants to so that I could look at my children and tell them honestly that I did my part to make it happen. But after that it is my ex's decision and the relationship he has with the kids is really none of my business. If he doesn't want to participate, I let that happen. If he wanted to see them more, I would be accomodating. The fact is, right now, he doesn't and he shows it daily through his actions.

So L.J., do you think I should bring my son to see his dad? It's funny you mention him needing an out because that's exactly what I figured out a while ago. When I initially asked him to leave us alone and I wouldn't pursue him for child support, he blew up at me. But when I asked him if it would make things easier if I took my baby and moved out of town, he said yes as long as I moved out of state. I drafted a document outlining this and he signed it and mailed it back. The reason I even suggested moving is b/c I got the impression that he just needed to be able to tell people he did what he could but I took the baby and split town. Even when I was pregnant (after 3 months of pressuring me to terminate the pregnancy and even him saying "I pray to God that you miscarry") he said that if I was going to have the baby, he was going to be involved b/c he didn't want people thinking he was a deadbeat dad.

Even when I went to see him 2 weeks ago (God, I'm so stupid) he said how he wanted to be a daddy, but in practically the same breath, he reminded me that he still has a copy of that document. I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I have some serious concerns about him being in my son's life (ie. he verbally and emotionally abused me, the absolute disrespect he had for my pregnancy, the fact that his parents don't acknowledge my son as their grandchild, etc), but I also want to make sure I'm doing the right thing and that my son will be pleased with my decisions.

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Yep. If a Dad wants to be involved, he will be. Actions speak louder
than words. You may never know how he really feels. You don't
know how much he loves, doesn't love, your child.

In my case dd's Dad was involved somewhat for the first two years
of her life. Usually threw paternal family occasions. I thought of him
as a holiday Dad. Grand gestures during holidays (in front of his family),
too busy the rest of the year.
Last year he decided to start over with his girlfriend and with out our
daughter in his life. Some tried to advice me to take him to court, they
wanted me to get mad, and to "make him pay". That isn't like me. But
I am not mad, I am more sad, sad for my dd.
I don't know if you feel like this, but.... For the first 4 years of dd's life
I kept thinking that there was some secret I hadn't figured out yet. That
there was something I could do to bring Dad and dd closer together. I
finally figured out there was no secret. That I could bend over backward
for the rest of our lives, but I couldn't create that bond. I can only keep
the door open for him to come back, but I can't make it happen.

I wish you the best

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From what you've written, I would probably say no. Like Trinity, I spent quite some time going out of my way thinking I could "make" him be a good dad. But, when I realized he just wasn't that interested (he always had an excuse) I stopped making the effort and I just made sure he knows how to contact us should he decide he wants to be an involved parent.

I needed, for my own conscience, to make sure he knows how to find us and then the rest is really up to him. Is it possible for him to find you? Do you pay bills in your name? Does your sister know where you are? If so, he could find you if he truly wants to and if he doesn't or hasn't thus far, then your lives will move forward and I wouldn't think more about it.

I hope that helps. I'm not trying to suggest what to do, only you can decide that. I'm just offering what I've done & experienced and maybe that will help you make your decisions and feel good about what you choose.