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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Here is my story......sorry if it is a little long (or in the wrong place, but I didn't see a relationship forum).<br><br>
We left the city where I lived all my life, met my husband and had my first 2 children 3 years ago. I was on maternity leave pregnant with my 3rd and agreed to make 2 moves (ie the move to Eastern Canada where we went, another move than back to my hometown) So we made the move and it was fine for the first six months, then dh's job went south with his boss being abusive, hours being long, lots of extra days. I tried and tried to get him to look for something else, but his job searches are pathetic at best. Last fall, the company was bought and the office promptly closed and noone picked up by the new company. He found a job in the Pacific Northwest which was a 3 hour drive to home. Then 7 months later he was let go with the excuse that he didn't fit. Essentially the HR director said his boss who has no management skills felt threatened by dh's good management skills. Back to the pathetic job search, with me only wanting to go back to Canada. By the beginning of August when it became apparent to me that the only prospect in Canada likely wasn't going to happen, I got sick. He got a job in LA, and the day after he left I got really sick, although I did recover somewhat. Then 2 weeks later I got really sick and he happenend to be at home. He took me to the hospital. On the Saturday they did a scope procedure under heavy sedation after which I told him to go back to LA and look for a house. I had no recollection of telling him that and woke up in a panic realizing I wanted to go home, and I had no keys, no clothes, no money and no phone. I ended up having a cell phone conversation with him since he was the only person I knew who had a local number I could call. He called the nurse and I ended up caving and having my gall bladder out.<br><br>
In the end I finally agreed to move to LA for 9 months so I could complete an internship for a course which requires me to travel a week to 10 days a month for 6-8 months.<br><br>
Now, I'm in LA. I'm very bitter and angry. The gall bladder surgery was the worst mistake of my life and I've had constant pain ever since. I can't work in the US, and I can't hire an au pair. I can't get over the total feeling of betrayal of being left in the hospital (even if I in my drugged out state told him to go) Dh's job is IMHO the worst he has had since I've known him. It is a start up run by a couple of 25 year olds who are only going to be happy with him if he works 9am-10pm, hired some loser with no technical skills and put him as dh's boss.<br><br>
I managed to find one babysitter so I could go to my course and she stole our digital camera, a gameboy and a couple of personal items from my husband's drawer. My efforts to find another sitter have so far drawn a blank.<br><br>
I'm ready to abandon the rest of our lease and go back to Canada where I still have a job andcan get an au pair who can speak to my kid's in another language. Dh feels like I am pigeonholing his career, and that he firmly believes in the marriage and wants us to be together. We never see him during the week anyway other than a scant half hour to hour in the evening. I just adamantly believe that I can work and hire an au pair in Canada where he can also get a job. For quite a while I was thinking that at the end of the 9 months, I would go back and he could commute.<br><br>
I'm angry, bitter and feel totally betrayed. He is adamant in his belief that my desire to live in Canada is akin to my happiness being fixed on a single path and that I am making him out to be the bad guy. Now I'm thinking why bother with the commuting thing. Maybe I just throw in the towel move back to Canada and he can have a happy life wherever he wants to doing whatever he wants to do.<br><br>
I realize there are drawbacks and benefits to being a single parent, but I have been back to Canada by myself a couple of times recently and both times after a couple of days I heard comments from those close to me that they were seeing the real me again. The last time I flew back last week, my abdominal pain increased sharply just as they turned off the engine.<br><br>
We went to counselling 5 times and the first time was just after he lost his job. I said at the time that his job searches were pathetic and only consisted of the 20% of jobs that are posted and those through recruiters. He has even had people who work for companies that don't ever advertise jobs at his level offer to put his resume in and he doesn't bother. The day he accepted the job in LA, a company in Canada phoned him and I had to push him to phone them back an hour and a half later and he got an answering machine and never bothered to pursue it further. In a nutshell, although I stated many times that I was trying to save my life, I couldn't live with his loafing around the house creating extra work while he had no job and not searching for a job, the counsellor told me to give him space, that I was eroding his self esteem. Then when he got the job in LA, she was like "can't you just go" I am angry at the counsellor too..... not really interested in going to another one especially if they are just going to tell me to follow him like a puppy, not going to listen or hear my side.<br><br>
And who really cares about sides anymore. I don't want to be at war with someone.
 

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Wow, you've had a tremendous amount of upheaval. you've put up with a lot while your husband has been trying to find a job that "sticks." I can't really answer your question about whether you should throw in the towel, but it does seem to me that you have put your own needs aside for a long time, and your husband is not appreciative of or even aware of what it's costing you. It's time to draw that line in the sand, and if he can't give you some consideration, then maybe you really should go back to where you have work. Good luck.
 

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I knew it was time to throw in the towel when I no longer cared what H thought, what happened to him, or if he would be okay without me.<br><br>
Sounds like you've done most of the giving, and he's done most of the taking in your relationship. IMO it is a HUGE sign that you are feeling pain when you get on the airplane to go back to him; your body is saying "I'm stressed!".<br><br>
So you have to ask yourself if you love him enough to stick this out, no matter whether he ever changes or not, or if you want to make a life on your own, no matter what the lifestyle you'll be able to afford is. It took me 9 years with H to be able to answer an emphatic YES!, when I asked myself "even if I have to eat peanut butter sandwiches 3 nights a week, is it worth it to be on my own?". But I am so ready for change and excited for the future now.<br><br>
I'm sorry for all you've gone through...hugs and well wishes for you to make the right decision for you and your kids.
 

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Gall Bladder surgery is notoriously linked to your second chakra.... your emotions. I don't know anyone who has had gall bladdre surgery that wasn't dealing with heavy emotional issues.<br><br>
That aside, I think you are very overwhelmed right now and maybe should put the 'divorce' talk on hold... just figure out if you are going back to Canada or not. It is such a hard decision... For one, the way you describe it... there are no other alternatives for you than to live in Canada and hire an au pair... what I hear you saying is that you want NO OTHER life than that (which is totally okay, I'm not judging only pointing out what is obvious to me). You are so adament that you are getting physicaly ill and thinking of divorce. So what is holding you back??? Ture love? the prospect of a better life with the childrens dad? If I wanted something that badly my DH would come with me. Maybe your DH is on a different track??? one that doesn't really include you? I'm not implying anything with that statement, but really if you are so miserable why won't he listen? why did he leave your hospital bedside?<br><br>
I guess too, I haven't heard you mention the kids and how they are coping? What about thier schooling? do they have friends? Is one of your only issues that you can't find an au pair? why can't you hire one? Can you do some work in Canada via the internet... maybe earn a paycheck from them? The more I think about it the more it sounds to me that you just don't want to be away from what you know so you are just really miserable. Without more info I'm reluctant to give any kind of advice... I have seen your situation from both sides and niether one worked out...<br><br>
N
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I believe the emotional stuff with gall bladder. I read somewhere that the real problem is actually the liver and the liver is the seat of emotional health.<br><br>
I am not allowed to work legally in the US. Even if a job was entirely in Canada, paid in Canadian dollars, if I was physically present in the US while doing it would be illegal. I could fly back and forth and commute to a job that takes place in Canada, just can't work legally in the US. (I realize there are lots of people who work illegally, but I have 7 years of university and a job in Canada I'm on leave from.... so I'm not too interested in pursuing these kinds of jobs)<br><br>
Same goes for the au pair. Even though dh has a job here and makes decent money, only permanent residents or US citizens are allowed to get au pairs. I would love to hire one in Canada and bring them down for a 'vacation' but that would be illegal and it would be difficult to hire someone and expect them to lie US customs.<br><br>
So essentially, we are a one income family (not by choice) and our only avenue of childcare is the expensive ones. I only came to LA, rather than going to Vancouver because I took a course which requires an internship. The easiest way to do it is to travel for a week or so, and if I was in Canada with an au pair, I would have no childcare coverage for evenings, nights and weekends.<br><br>
I have thought of many different options for work, because I want a life. I started writing a book, came up with some ideas for internet stuff. The problem has always been that we have never been able to find childcare.<br><br>
I am going to try advertising for full time help so I may be able to finish my internship and go from there. Part of my current frustration is the inability to find childcare. We had one nanny who stole from us. We readvertised, but so far have had no response.<br><br>
My estimate has always been that if I move back to Canada, dh will find a way to find a job there. Commuting, especially by plane will drive him nuts. Even if he did commute, it would be fine by me. I realize an au pair is not the be all and all, but dh works in an industry notorious for long hours. With an au pair, I might have a chance to get errands done without dealing with 3 preschoolers.
 

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I hope you are able to find a solution; I often have physical sickness when I'm emotionally upset and it is so hard.<br><br>
Anyway, I'm wondering when you need childcare exactly? My sister is a senior at LMU and is awesome with kids (she has had many nanny positions); I don't know if the times would work out with her classes etc, but pm me if you would like her info.
 

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we lived in a small u.s. city for 2 years and i had a horrible time finding childcare. in my experience it is very hard to do without a network. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s if you could focus on changing one thing that would make your life a little easier what would it be? if it is the childcare issue, focus on that. if you can accomplish that maybe the rest of your life will be a little easier and you will be able to be more objective abt the other issues you are dealing with.
 

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I found the book <i>Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay</i> very helpful in making a decision about staying or leaving. She talks about relationship ambivalence and has 30 some questions that can help you make a decision.<br><br>
I was in counseling for months and months and kept going back and forth. Read the book, made my decision and have been able to move on confident that I'm doing the best thing by getting a divorce.<br><br>
You use the word betrayal which is such a powerful word. And the stomach pains upon arrival...Something needs to change for sure.
 

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I have no good advice but just some <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">.
 
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