[peaceful_mama]

first of all, excuse typos. 5 mo. old in other arm,

:

So I've had another of my insights while reading 'screamfree parenting.' parents of older kids i'd really like to hear your ideas on how you're bdoing this....

My insight is--the book talks a lot about giving 'space' and letting go of the end result. Here is an example: How different would my life have ben if:
instead of battling w/me literally trying to drag me out of bed daily, choosing my clothes---IN MIDDLE SCHOOL!--

my mom had simply bought me an alarm, made sure I knew how to set it, talked w/me about determining what time to set it, & then let me b e, snooze button and all?

Sure I may have gotten detention even more than 1

but I would've figured it out!

-----but-----
how do u give your child this level of autonomy & deal w/ stuff like in this ex. maybe the school officials see you as the problem b/c your kid is late......

how have you learned to let go of YOUR worries on what MIGHT happen?

 

[MusicianDad]

If my kids in middle school and we use the example above I simply inform them that my child is old enough to be responsable for getting her self out of bed and ready for school. She knows what the consequences of being late are and that's she's the only one that can make sure she avoids them.

The school officials seeing the parent as the problem when a teen or almost teen sleeps late is one of the reasons that teens don't understand the concept of being responsable for themselves. Yeah they get in trouble, but they know that people will hold it against their parents because they are just "not capable".

FWIW, my dad was the opposite of your parents. It was up to me from the time I was about 12 to get myself up and off to school in the morning. The end result (true end result) is that by the time I was 14 I couldn't sleep late on school days. My own internal clock would wake me up if my alarm didn't go off.

 

[LynnS6]

You start young with little things. You explain to people who need to know (e.g., the school if your child is late) that you are teaching your child to be responsible for their own actions. You explain that you will do everything you can to help you child, but they are responsible for getting their bodies out of bed, dressed and to school, and that you certainly hope that the school will help you teach your child this lesson by imposing whatever school-based consequences there are.

When my brother was a pre-teen, way back in the days when kids were allowed to have paper routes, he had a morning paper route. My brother was not a very good paper carrier. He often overslept. He skipped some houses randomly. He rarely followed special instructions. One customer in particular really wanted their paper put between the storm and main doors. My brother didn't do this. The paper often got wet, snowed on or blown about. One day, the customer called up and started ranting at my mother telling her that she wasn't doing her job as a parent because my brother was such a lousy paperboy. She calmly said, "This is my son's job. If you have a problem with what he's doing, you need to talk to him. It's his responsibility." And she gave my brother the phone.

My brother got fired from a number of jobs in his teen/early 20s. He's now in his middle ages, and a fine upstanding employee. He wouldn't have been that kind of employee if my parents hadn't let him fail. A lot. They weren't cruel about it, but they didn't try to save him from himself.

When he was in his 20s and got fired, he could always come home to live while he found a new job. Eventually, my brother realized that his chosen profession wasn't ever going to lead to a steady job. The reason he got fired so much was that the employers would find a pretext to fire him when he was due for a raise -- and my brother gave them enough little things to fire him for. He came home and lived with my parents while he finished his 4 year degree and tried out several careers.

My brother was the hardest child for my parents to 'let go' because he's very trusting, ADD, and very softhearted. He's a sucker for a sob story. He's a follower, not a leader. He doesn't like conflict. All of these traits are great traits, but make for some hard learning experiences. My parents let him have those experiences and stood by him while he picked up the pieces, most of the time.

 

[babsbob]

I think if you respect your children and recognize them as their individual selves rather than extensions of yourself then the letting go you speak of just comes naturally.

 

[peaceful_mama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MusicianDad If my kids in middle school and we use the example above I simply inform them that my child is old enough to be responsable for getting her self out of bed and ready for school. She knows what the consequences of being late are and that's she's the only one that can make sure she avoids them. The school officials seeing the parent as the problem when a teen or almost teen sleeps late is one of the reasons that teens don't understand the concept of being responsable for themselves. Yeah they get in trouble, but they know that people will hold it against their parents because they are just "not capable".

This is EXACTLY what I was getting at! Our SOCIETY in general (school officials and the like) hold parents responsible for our children's actions. To the point that if you are trying to teach responsibility (like this example) YOU could be held up to some 'punishment' because YOU are "not making your child come to school"

And that's EXACTLY what is happening--it is teaching kids to be irresponsible because they're getting the message that ultimately WE are responsible FOR them.

I am really loving this book---it's talking a lot about being "responsible TO" not "responsible FOR" your children.

The difference?
Well, going with this school example: I have an obligation TO my child to help them get to school on time in the mornings.

If I do everything in my power to HELP them and they still don't get their butt out of bed in time to get to school on time

then THAT is thier choice that *I* have absolutely NO control over.

They need to go late and experience whatever consequences there are to being late.

And I don't support "punishing" the parents who do not "Take responsibilty FOR them"

Ultimately, we do not control them.

(a prime example story just for fun, my parents and my oldest bro--they would drive him to his confirmation class and watch him walk through the front doors of the church. He'd wait for them to drive off, go out the back, and go downtown.

 

[skreader]

It's not an all or nothing thing. Different kids want and need different things at different ages, and needs to balance w/ their parents' wants and needs.

My dd is now 13. When she was very young I would wake her w/ cuddles before school. By the time she was 11, the cuddles became shorter.

At 12 she preferred me just to sit on her bed & chat. Around this time I began to feel a bit "put upon" that I was making her brekkie and tea every morning when she was perfectly capable of doing it herself. We made an agreement that at 13, she'd do most of her breakfasts herself.

I still come into her room in the morning and say "good morning" and open her curtains, because it's part of our "morning ritual" and because I'm usually up before her. But we have no power struggles over it. After the initial "good morning" it's up to her to get moving. Sometimes if it's getting w/in a half-hour of her usual departure time, I might knock on her door or make an inquiry. It helps that she gets to school under her own steam (public bus).

re: being late to school - that's in her control & the school has sanctions if she's late (I think a certain number & it's detention).

DS is now 11 and he likes to get up early by himself and we have a "tradition" of either he'll come into the kitchen when I'm making DH's and my lunch and ask for a "couch cuddle" or just give me a kiss and then go to have cuddles w/ his father for a few minutes before having his breakfast, which he mostly likes to make himself now.

So, I've let go at different stages and w/ different things w/ my 2 kids. It's a balancing act.