how do you make a decision about being a WOHM when you don't have kids yet?

It sounds like you know what you want to do (be dedicated to a career you love and be a WOHM), you just need reassurance that it is the right thing to do, especially when homeschooling and SAHMing seems to be the ideal here on MDC. Becoming a counselor is such a noble profession, and I would do the same if I was more psychology-minded.

I'm only 20, still have years before being done with school or having kids, and short of a radical personality transplant, I will never be a SAHM past my child's infancy, nor will I homeschool. I get so much pleasure out of helping people, and I have dreamed of a career my entire life. My mom has always worked, and I have never been anything but grateful to her for setting that example for me. She and my dad managed to work full time AND be fantastic parents who split everything equally. I'm not sure I would think of them with the same high regard if my mom had always stayed home, with dad being only a part-time parent, which is what (not always) but commonly happens when one parent, mom OR dad, stays home for several years. Kids thrive when their parents are happy and involved with something, no matter how big or small, outside the realm of motherhood...whether that's a great job, charity work, etc.

I can see from your post how exciting this sounds to you. Go for it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to work, with wanting to have a career. There are crappy SAHMs, and there are phenomenal WOHMs. As I've never wanted to be a SAHM, I can only try and sympathize. I grew up military, and that makes me encourage you even more to do this. Women (or husbands, if it's the female in the military) can easily feel pushed around, or lost, just because it's hard to build up a career with your spouse's job meaning moving every few years. Many, many of the women I met who SAH and homeschool don't do it out of a deep conviction that it's the right choice, but out of convenience, and they aren't generally the happiest women (I should know, I babysat for dozens of them ). You have an amazing opportunity to build up a respectable career despite the moving.

As long as you can afford the education, go for it. If you have a baby and find that you really don't want to be a WOHM, then it's not like having started the program and not finishing is going to hurt you. Many schools will let you defer for a semester or a year mid-program if that is what you want/need to do. As long as you are open to the idea that your path may change throughout time, it doesn't matter if the destination changes or you take a detour along the way. You don't need to have everything worked out up front.

To answer your question in general, I thought for almost all my life that I would choose to never have children. I'm 32 now and expecting my first (and likely only) in about 7 weeks or so. I don't do well if I'm not employed - my work is a HUGE part of who I am. My husband would love to be a SAHD if we could financially swing it (we can't - we could lose my salary, but not his) and we both know that he will probably bear the larger part of the child care responsibilities while our baby is young, as it is so much more a part of his personality. I will continue to bear more of the responsibility for the household chores/budgeting/maintenance and such, as that is more of my personality. But there was never any possiblity of me choosing to be a SAHM.

KaylaBeanie - I love your siggy.

I had a rewarding, extremely well-paying career before DS came along. During my pregnancy, I didn't quite know what to do- it would have been STUPID to give up such a great job and all of my hard work to get that far, so we toyed with the idea of DH being a SAHD or maybe asking my MIL to help with childcare. I wanted to be a SAHM, but my job was just too good to leave.

DS had a different plan. He came early and after all of the awfulness of being so sick from his birth and the NICU stay, when it came time to return to work after 3 months of maternity leave, I just couldn't do it. I happily quit my job and became a SAHM.

But things have a way of working out. When DS was 11 months old, DH lost his job, so I needed to go back to work. I was given an awesome job that allowed me to work from home. That job lasted for nearly 2 years. Now that DS is almost 3, I'm just about ready to get an WOHM job to keep our finances flowing.

I never, ever thought it would be like this.... I was supposed to the a SAHM, but here I am, buying suits and heels and getting ready to start thinking like a manager again.

So I guess what I'm saying is that you can plan all you want, but be ready to go with the flow. If you feel like working, the by all means, work! If you decide to be a SAHM for awhile, your college will probably let you take some time away. Just allow life to take you where it may.

I personally believe both parents should be able to handle all the essential tasks of raising a family, because you never know what will happen.

So for me, at least having the ability to earn decent money is really essential for both adults. If you're not pregnant yet, I would definitely pursue the career you think you'll love as long as you're not going into massive debt to do so.

On a slightly different but related note, I think the other best thing you can do in order to position yourself to have a range of choices when you do have kids (because you may not know until then) is to keep your expenses down and build savings. With a healthy savings account you can either take some time off, hire help you need, or make moves. It's really the best thing.

I wish we'd saved a bit more when we didn't have a child, but we were frugal enough in terms of paying down debt and keeping our basic expenses (house etc.) in check and it's really been a comfort, especially in those weeks it seems like everything could be a mess.

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My advice? You can't know how you will feel. Don't assume you won't want to be a 100% SAHM or work part time or work full time. You just can't really know how you will feel when you have an actual child in your arms whose care is your primary responsibility, at least while they are babies!

But here's my other piece of advice. I would never not plan to have a career and not plan to work. Not from the start.

Now, your situation is a little tricky because you are trying to get pregnant now and considering going back to school now at the same time.

Can you afford both? Or will they compete?

Can't you enter the program, and see where it goes? And if you get pregnant, have a baby, start planning from that point?

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Solid advice.

I think you, OP, should really think about the above.

Well I almost did what you want to do...

I hated (still hate) my field & wanted to get into counseling psych so I started looking at Master's programs thinking I *might* start in Fall 08 (was more a possibility than a plan though). I got pg in May 08 and decided to wait.

OK so the whole time I was pregnant I was 100% convinced I would go back to work in the office after the baby was born. Maybe WAH a bit at first but not long, really I envisioned myself dropping the baby off at the daycare down the street from the office & rushing over on my lunch breaks to visit & cuddle. If that plan didn't work, I figured DH would be a SAHD -- never in a million years was being a SAHM even on my radar.

Toward the end (last month) of my pregnancy I started thinking of WAH more long-term... I was already getting attached to my baby! Sure enough, when DS was born I knew there was absolutely no way I would leave him at daycare, no way I'd go back to the office.

I'm now a WAHM (was full-time & just switched to part-time when DS was 13mos) and I can't believe I almost gave up this option for more years of school & a WOH job. Of course, WAH is the equivalent of working at least 2 full-time jobs , especially with no childcare, but I am sooo glad I get to spend every minute with my amazing little boy!!

So... that's my experience as someone who never even WANTED to be a SAHM. You already want to do that... but of course you never know until the baby's here. I would say explore some different options. Set yourself up so that no matter what you want to do when the time comes (WOH, WAH, SAH), all the options will be open to you. That means being prepared financially as well as educationally etc. My other thought is that if you get a degree in the next few years, and then decide to SAH for X number of years before entering the workforce, your degree will be more outdated etc. -- If you are seriously hoping to conceive within the next 6mos or so, I would avoid making such a big change. I would keep doing what you're doing and make this decision in a year or two once you have a clearer view of motherhood & what you truly want.

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Yes to all this.

This was my plan, personally, all along. Have a career, then determine how to approach motherhood when I became a mother. But have a career as a base that I could stay in, work part time in, or leave/return to.

For me, the hard part is figuring out how to leave temporarily/work part time and make ends meet.

I never want to leave permanently, but it would be nice to break away from it for a while without losing everything because I've found the first 5 years of parenting pretty intensive and not all that compatible with a career. For now.

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I agree. I never imagined that I would want to be a SAHM, but then, after DD was born (in the midst of nursing school), I found that it got harder and harder to leave her as she got older. It was especially hard when she was a toddler, moreso than when she was an infant. I did finish my degree anyway and am glad I did, as it is work I enjoy and DH's job is precarious at the moment, making my income necessary.

Currently I work very part-time, but it's definitely not all-or-nothing, it's fluid. I may eventually SAH completely for a while when the kiddos are a bit older, or I may go back to FT work and have DH be a SAHD. It's nice to have the option to go back and forth.