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Discussion Starter #1
<p>My DH and I have very different views on the kids Xmas present this year. Through work, he has the opportunity to get an ipad - possibly 2 - for no direct cost to us - though indirectly it comes out of revenues from the company that he is part owner of.</p>
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<p>I don't think this is an appropriate gift for a 7 yr old and a 9 yr old child. He thinks it's a great gift for them.</p>
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<p>My question is <strong>not</strong> about the rightness or wrongness of either option. </p>
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<p>What I want to know is how to resolve this? How do you make decisions when your partner feels very differently about a subject?</p>
 

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<p>In general, we talk about it and decide if one of us feels much more strongly than the other. If that's the case, then the one of us who doesn't feel as passionately will defer to the other. Sometimes, too, one of us realizes that our position is too rigid or that our concerns aren't as valid as we'd thought. Over time, we figure that balances out.</p>
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<p>If we cannot decide that way, then we will each state our case and talk through our opposition. We see if we can come to an agreeable compromise. In this case, perhaps the kids can get the iPad but have limited access and you can agree to those terms before giving it to them. Or perhaps you agree not to get them this year but to get them next year or when they turn 12 or at some other pre-determined time.</p>
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<p>Should those instances fail, we will break out pen and paper and make a pros and cons list of each side. Seeing the issue written out usually helps in decision-making.</p>
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<p>We've never failed to solve anything with those 3 steps. I don't know what we'd do beyond that.</p>
 

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<p>Since Ive only been a parent for a short time, I dont have a lot of experience with making parenting desicions with DH. Usually when we disagree on something we either both do some research on the topic (in this case, one of us would get on the internet and find some blog where someone's 9 yo smashed an ipad to pieces and the other one would find some article about how much an ipad can teach a child)and we would argue it out that way. In a lot of cases though, Ill say "Well, last time we did what you wanted, and this time its my turn" or vice versa.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #4
<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>VisionaryMom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285964/how-do-you-make-decisions-when-you-don-t-agree#post_16122191"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>In general, we talk about it and decide if one of us feels much more strongly than the other. If that's the case, then the one of us who doesn't feel as passionately will defer to the other. Sometimes, too, one of us realizes that our position is too rigid or that our concerns aren't as valid as we'd thought. Over time, we figure that balances out.</p>
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<p>If we cannot decide that way, then we will each state our case and talk through our opposition. <strong>We see if we can come to an agreeable compromise.</strong> In this case, perhaps the kids can get the iPad but have limited access and you can agree to those terms before giving it to them. Or perhaps you agree not to get them this year but to get them next year or when they turn 12 or at some other pre-determined time.</p>
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<p>Should those instances fail, we will break out pen and paper and make a pros and cons list of each side. Seeing the issue written out usually helps in decision-making.</p>
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<p>We've never failed to solve anything with those 3 steps. I don't know what we'd do beyond that.</p>
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<br><p style="margin-top:0px;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:0px;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;">I think our problem is a communication issue. We have gone in circles trying to convince each other of our points of view.  Maybe I'm being too rigid... but that's how I feel, and on this issue, and neither of us is satisfied. He feels like his gift-giving is criticized, and I feel like my values are being ignored - that our kids should receive age appropriate gifts that are not over-the-top expensive, regardless if we are paying for them, directly or not.</p>
<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:0px;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;"> </p>
<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:0px;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;">I guess what I really want is for him to understand why I feel the way I do, and acknowledge it as a legitimate viewpoint, instead of me feeling bulldogged, and made to feel like some kind of scrooge. I think I'd be far more likely to compromise if this were the case. </p>
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<p><br>
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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Adaline'sMama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285964/how-do-you-make-decisions-when-you-don-t-agree#post_16122295"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Since Ive only been a parent for a short time, I dont have a lot of experience with making parenting desicions with DH. Usually when we disagree on something we either both do some research on the topic (in this case, one of us would get on the internet and find some blog where someone's 9 yo smashed an ipad to pieces and the other one would find some article about how much an ipad can teach a child)and we would argue it out that way. In a lot of cases though, Ill say "<strong>Well, last time we did what you wanted, and this time its my turn</strong>" or vice versa.</p>
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<br><p style="margin-top:0px;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:0px;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;"> </p>
<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:0px;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;"> </p>
<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:0px;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;">Adaline's mama, I like the idea of taking turns making the decision, ie he can do Xmas, and I can make decisions for their birthdays. I'm not sure it solves our communication issue, but it feels like it evens out the discrepancy, and gives me back some decision making power without the debating.</p>
<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:0px;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;"> </p>
<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:0px;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;">I think the problem is that we are working against each other, and because of some family or origin issues, feel perhaps too strongly about this issue...</p>
 

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<p>Our rule of thumb is that the person who says "yes" to something defers to the person who says "no". We both agree it is easier for the "yes" person to go without than to force the "no" person into something they don't want. Which is why we really think on it before saying "no" to anything. It has to be a strongly felt no, not just a "nah, I'm not really into that idea".</p>
 

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<p>We have some areas where I'm "in charge" and some areas where he is "in charge", based upon our knowledge of those areas.  Although this would be a problem in that I'm "in charge" of what the kids are ready for, being the SAHM, and he is "in charge" of tech issues, being that he works with computers as his career.  I guess I'd try to work out a compromise in this area, like say agree upon an age where it would be an OK present, and then wait for that age, so maybe get them since they're free and hold onto them for a while.  Unless the agreed upon age were old enough where the technology would be obsolete, in which case I'd pass.  But I don't like deferring to "no" in all cases because that basically means the most strict person is always the one who gets his/her way, which swings the whole family toward strictness, which isn't personally how I want my family to go.  That's just how I feel for my family though.</p>
 

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<p>My hubby and I can esily get caught up in our own points of view and struggle to compromise our see the other's perspective.  Most times we are able to work through this and to come to some sort of agreement.  Often times my will is stronger than his and he will just eventually agree with me b/c its easier.  However this can build resentment for him, so I try to avoid that situation as much as possible.  Ultimately in our house if we can't reach an agreement (about 2% of the time), we leave the decision up to something arbitrary-for us its the game rock, paper, scissors, but you could flip a coin, pick a numner, etc.  Whoever wins best 2 out of 3 gets to make the decision.  I know that seems a little scary for any sort of larger decision, but ultimately in these cases we both feel so strongly that we are right, that chances are there is weight to both of our arguments and leaving it up to "fate" is a fair way of deciding-no one person's opinion is necessarily more valid than the other's at that point b/c we have hashed it out so much at that point.</p>
 

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<p>Lets see, in this case, it would most likely be DH that would want Ipads for our kids, and me saying, um no! But, if we had to compromise, I'd probably say that they could have them, but limited access. I don't think they're much different then computers, right? It's just like anything else you put a limit on, computers, tv, junk food, ya know? Anyway, I'm pretty laid back and easy going though so there aren't a substantial amount of issues I have a huge stance on. I think it also depends on the issue. If it's an issue I've obviously done research on, feel very strongly about, and DH hasn't done the same research, or doesn't feel nearly as strongly about, I usually get to make the decision. If it involves things that are out of my realm, it's pretty much up to him. I haven't had to deal with many parenting issues yet since our son is only 2, but I'm sure those issues will arise eventually!</p>
 

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<p>ooh ooh we had to flip a coin one time. It was actually to decide a huge issue, but it was something that it wouldn't have been fair for either of us to decide on without an arbitrary judge, so that's when we decided to flip a coin, and that was that. lol. I recommend it!</p>
 

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<p>We try to focus on what we really want, the WHY behind it, the subtext. And find some common ground. In your example, we'd try to figure out what the iPad really stood for, a free gift? A knock your sox off gift? A gift their peers won't get? Making up for something from his childhood?  Then we'd try to figure out exactly what the "no way" was about. Too much screen time? Not capable of caring for it yet? Wrong to get something for free? Depending on all those answers, we'd try to come up with some common ground and go from there. </p>
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<p>You guys might try looking at your expectations about what the iPads will be used for. Some sn children who are quite young use them as learning tools and communication devices. They aren't evil.</p>
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<p>But we gave our kids lap tops when they were 11 and 13, believing they were old enough to take care of them on their own. The 13 year old did fine but the 11 accidently destoyed hers in about 6 months. If you get them, then daddy needs to help the kids take care of them -- the on going care that electronics need, like virus updates, ulitilies, etc. They kids might be able to really enjoy them and learn from them, but they really aren't old enough to be responsible for them.</p>
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<p>Good luck!</p>
 

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If you want him to acknowledge your concerns, tell him so. Maybe he does understand them, he just already has it worked out in his head how to deal. Have you acknowledged his underlying desire in giving them this gift? Just guessing, but it sounds like he wants to give them a really "cool" present. Maybe if both of you can convey understanding of the other's position, you can reach a compromise that works for you. I know that helps DH and I a lot.<br><br>
Just in general, we tend to talk it out and the one who doesn't feel as strongly usually gives way to the one who does. If both feel strongly, then usually one of us gives on that point but asks for something else that will help with what they feel strongly about. For instance, I really want to spend more time with our families and in particular my family for the big 4th of July bash we have every year, but he really doesn't enjoy the big group and all the to-do. So our compromise is only going about every other year and trying to spend more time with both of our families when it isn't such a big to-do since that is more fun for him and it fills my desire to see our families. I love seeing my extended family too, but the importance is minimal compared to respecting my DH.
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block"><br><p>We've never failed to solve anything with those 3 steps. I don't know what we'd do beyond that.</p>
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<p>We've had these kind of issues... In the end, one of us folds... TBH, with big things, it's mostly DH, but with small things it's mostly me.</p>
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<p>There have been huge conflicts-- living with MIL, for example, that lasted for years. I have faith that DH has our families best interest at heart, which helps.</p>
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<p>For the IPAD, for example, I agree that it's not an appropriate gift (although they are so, so cool!). We would argue, but if he kept pushing and we came to an impass, most likely I would eventually say, I don't agree with this, but you can go ahead if it's very important to you. And then we'd never argue about it again. That would be the decision.<br>
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<p><br>
See this is me most of the time too.</p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>texmati</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285964/how-do-you-make-decisions-when-you-don-t-agree#post_16131462"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block"><br><p>We've never failed to solve anything with those 3 steps. I don't know what we'd do beyond that.</p>
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<p>We've had these kind of issues... In the end, one of us folds... TBH, with big things, it's mostly DH, but with small things it's mostly me.</p>
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<p>There have been huge conflicts-- living with MIL, for example, that lasted for years. I have faith that DH has our families best interest at heart, which helps.</p>
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<p>For the IPAD, for example, I agree that it's not an appropriate gift (although they are so, so cool!). We would argue, but if he kept pushing and we came to an impass, most likely I would eventually say, I don't agree with this, but you can go ahead if it's very important to you. And then we'd never argue about it again. That would be the decision.<br>
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