Here's the deal..DD is 7 and little DD is 16 weeks. Oldest is having a lot of jealousy issues right now. LDD is now on a regular routine as before she just slept whenever leaving time in the evening for DD and I to have time together. DD is acting out (pounding on bedroom door when putting babe to bed, pinching her sis then saying she was playing with her). I explain to why these things are not okay and she rolls her eyes at me and then says sorry. Last nite I found a letter on my pillow from her telling me I make her sad and we used to be best friends but aren't anymore. I cried my eyes out then went and got her out of her bed and brought her in bed with me..This morning I asked her about it and she said it helped to wake up with me there and the baby should just stay in her room at nite. DD is allowed to sleep with me whenever she wants but when babe is with me I find it harder and I usually dont sleep at all. We try and have outings just the two of us but with it being just me it is hard..Any suggestions would be great.
How do you make time for your older kids?
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I was a new single mother with two one year olds and a 5 year old. I cried myself to sleep many nights, for being exhausted and for feeling I couldn't adequately give my daughters and son enough attention. Everyone was crying out for attention, and being a newly single mama, it was extremely hard to keep myself balanced enough to do that. I do have parents in the area, and they occassionally would take my son so I could give attention only to the girls. My solution for my son was to spend special time with him while the girls were napping.
I kept games and cards handy, and we would play for 30 minutes to an hour during nap time. He was EXTREMELY jealous! So this was hard at first. But when I built his trust up enough to let him know I would do this at least three times a week, he finally started to have fun and stop trying to control the game. In the beginning, he refused to play the games by the rules. He refused to acknowledge that there were rules. He would do all these weird things, to see if I noticed him. Anyway, we still play games today. Now, everyone plays, and we all get alot of enjoyment out of it.
When I asked others for suggestions, they always said, "take him grocery shopping and leave the girls at home". Uh, hello, I'm a single parent, and there is no one to leave the girls with. Honestly, others mean well, but until you have been a REAL single parent, you just don't understand what it is like to have no back up in your home. Bathing, cooking and house cleaning all become things that are nearly impossible, especially with very young children.
Also, when there is a baby in the house, older kids like to be able to get away from that. Even a little crying can really get on their nerves, and make a little jealousy a lot. Check with the Y and see if you can get your child involved in sports. They do work with single parents if you have trouble paying the fees. My son played a season of basketball for free one year. He loved basketball and looked forward to it. I don't think he was particularly good at it, just okay. But he played with other kids and got to burn off his excess steam and frustration. Saturdays were always a great day.
Also, if you don't mind me making this a book, we had a front porch and a deck at my old house (marital home). I used both of these to do fun things with my son. I put a baby pool (just for him) on the back porch, and gave him some plastic cups, bath toys ect, and he would play in that pool while I sat outside and nursed my daughter to sleep. He still remembers the pool. I bought it for $1, at the dollar store. Best investment.
On our front porch (covered) we had a junky kids table and three little chairs. I would serve lunch out there on days when the weather was good enough. The girls had a tea set, and i would cut up the sandwhiches, bring out some frozen fruit, and make lemonade. The kids LOVED that, and while the girls couldn't exactly eat all of it, they liked sitting in their chairs and being big girls. This meant alot to my son. I let my girls play on the porch afterwards, while my son would ride his bike in the driveway. I always moved my car to the end of the driveway so that he wouldn't accidently run out into the street. Looking back, these are some of our favorite moments.
You really have to be creative as a single mama. Hope this mini-series helps.
I kept games and cards handy, and we would play for 30 minutes to an hour during nap time. He was EXTREMELY jealous! So this was hard at first. But when I built his trust up enough to let him know I would do this at least three times a week, he finally started to have fun and stop trying to control the game. In the beginning, he refused to play the games by the rules. He refused to acknowledge that there were rules. He would do all these weird things, to see if I noticed him. Anyway, we still play games today. Now, everyone plays, and we all get alot of enjoyment out of it.
When I asked others for suggestions, they always said, "take him grocery shopping and leave the girls at home". Uh, hello, I'm a single parent, and there is no one to leave the girls with. Honestly, others mean well, but until you have been a REAL single parent, you just don't understand what it is like to have no back up in your home. Bathing, cooking and house cleaning all become things that are nearly impossible, especially with very young children.
Also, when there is a baby in the house, older kids like to be able to get away from that. Even a little crying can really get on their nerves, and make a little jealousy a lot. Check with the Y and see if you can get your child involved in sports. They do work with single parents if you have trouble paying the fees. My son played a season of basketball for free one year. He loved basketball and looked forward to it. I don't think he was particularly good at it, just okay. But he played with other kids and got to burn off his excess steam and frustration. Saturdays were always a great day.
Also, if you don't mind me making this a book, we had a front porch and a deck at my old house (marital home). I used both of these to do fun things with my son. I put a baby pool (just for him) on the back porch, and gave him some plastic cups, bath toys ect, and he would play in that pool while I sat outside and nursed my daughter to sleep. He still remembers the pool. I bought it for $1, at the dollar store. Best investment.
On our front porch (covered) we had a junky kids table and three little chairs. I would serve lunch out there on days when the weather was good enough. The girls had a tea set, and i would cut up the sandwhiches, bring out some frozen fruit, and make lemonade. The kids LOVED that, and while the girls couldn't exactly eat all of it, they liked sitting in their chairs and being big girls. This meant alot to my son. I let my girls play on the porch afterwards, while my son would ride his bike in the driveway. I always moved my car to the end of the driveway so that he wouldn't accidently run out into the street. Looking back, these are some of our favorite moments.
You really have to be creative as a single mama. Hope this mini-series helps.
Thanks! Today has been better. I have to work for two hours tonite she is not happy about it. But, understands the why..... She goes to swimming at our Y once a week and loves it. It seems that the evenings are the hardest I guess because she is tired and that is when babe needs me most it seems. My mom watches the babe for me so we can do things together but, the past couple of weeks have been hectic with the weather and school functions, and me working more...If its hard for me I know it has got to be hard for her...There are times where I miss the days of it just being her and I. But, love having the babe here all the same. I just don't want her to feel left out. And your right just a little crying from the babe sends her in to a panic.
Jt'smum, I have nearly the same gap as you: dd is 4 mths and ds is 7. I'm afraid I don't have all the answers, but I'm working really hard to try and create opportunities for connection with ds these days. What I'm finding is that we have to work our schedule around dd a lot right now, as her schedule is always changing, but that it is possible to work in at least a little bit of one-on-one each day using a combination of her nap times and happy times. Lately, for instance, all three of us have been reading together for nearly an hour every night (I usually nurse dd on and off while reading), and then I've been leaving her with a toy in my room and tucking ds in in his room for about ten minutes. Ds and I do "highs and lows" together at this time, and I cuddle ds, and he really values the 'without baby sister' time even though it's brief.
Now that dd is big enough to go on my back, I think we'll be able to do even more mommy-ds time. The other day, he and I played tennis while dd slept in the Ergo, and we both had a blast. Last night, I went out with dd in the sling and both she and I watched ds play some basketball, and she giggled like crazy each time he raised his arms to shoot. Now he's all proud that he got his first giggles out of her.
I try really hard to stay away from language that blames dd for my behaviour. For example, if ds wants to play and I can't because I have to nurse dd, I don't say that, I just say, "I'd love to in about half an hour". And then I make sure I follow through. I've also been really careful not to expect ds to feel a certain way or act a certain way in regards to his sister. So, for instance, ds has decided that he can't handle spit up and wants to avoid touching anything to do with it, including his sister. I'm respecting that because he's using it to express his feelings around having to adjust to everything. So, dd doesn't go on his bed and her stuff doesn't touch his chair in the dining room. Also, if I ask him for help to do with her and he refuses, I let it go (and when he does choose to help, I make sure he knows it's much appreciated). I'm thinking by letting him have those boundaries, and listening with empathy when he expresses negative emotions about her, he'll get the message that she isn't as much of a threat to him as he might fear, kwim?
As far as the bed-sharing goes, I started preparing ds for not being able to do that when I first became pregnant, and we had several final 'sleepover' nights leading up to her due date. I knew I would be too worried about safety and I wouldn't get any sleep if both kids were in bed with me, since ds is a VERY active sleeper. But when he was really wanting proximity, I did let him sleep on the floor beside us on a single mattress, which he thought was fun. And he comes in for morning cuddles when he feels like it. Maybe your dd would enjoy having a mattress near your bed?
Finally, one of the things that seems to really help when ds is feeling shafted is for me to reminisce about when he was dd's age, and talk all about how much I cuddled him, sang to him, bounced him, changed his diapers, etc. He likes to hear about when he was little, and it also gives him the message that all babies require and receive a lot of care, not just his dd. He had his time, too.
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I'm reading a good library book right now called "Sibling Rivalry, Sibling Love" to help me get things off to as good a start as possible. Maybe your public library also has it.
Hugs to you, mama. The whole sibling thing is hard even for mamas with partners!
Now that dd is big enough to go on my back, I think we'll be able to do even more mommy-ds time. The other day, he and I played tennis while dd slept in the Ergo, and we both had a blast. Last night, I went out with dd in the sling and both she and I watched ds play some basketball, and she giggled like crazy each time he raised his arms to shoot. Now he's all proud that he got his first giggles out of her.
I try really hard to stay away from language that blames dd for my behaviour. For example, if ds wants to play and I can't because I have to nurse dd, I don't say that, I just say, "I'd love to in about half an hour". And then I make sure I follow through. I've also been really careful not to expect ds to feel a certain way or act a certain way in regards to his sister. So, for instance, ds has decided that he can't handle spit up and wants to avoid touching anything to do with it, including his sister. I'm respecting that because he's using it to express his feelings around having to adjust to everything. So, dd doesn't go on his bed and her stuff doesn't touch his chair in the dining room. Also, if I ask him for help to do with her and he refuses, I let it go (and when he does choose to help, I make sure he knows it's much appreciated). I'm thinking by letting him have those boundaries, and listening with empathy when he expresses negative emotions about her, he'll get the message that she isn't as much of a threat to him as he might fear, kwim?
As far as the bed-sharing goes, I started preparing ds for not being able to do that when I first became pregnant, and we had several final 'sleepover' nights leading up to her due date. I knew I would be too worried about safety and I wouldn't get any sleep if both kids were in bed with me, since ds is a VERY active sleeper. But when he was really wanting proximity, I did let him sleep on the floor beside us on a single mattress, which he thought was fun. And he comes in for morning cuddles when he feels like it. Maybe your dd would enjoy having a mattress near your bed?
Finally, one of the things that seems to really help when ds is feeling shafted is for me to reminisce about when he was dd's age, and talk all about how much I cuddled him, sang to him, bounced him, changed his diapers, etc. He likes to hear about when he was little, and it also gives him the message that all babies require and receive a lot of care, not just his dd. He had his time, too.
I'm reading a good library book right now called "Sibling Rivalry, Sibling Love" to help me get things off to as good a start as possible. Maybe your public library also has it.
Hugs to you, mama. The whole sibling thing is hard even for mamas with partners!
Thank you so much! I was saying the I can't I have to feed your sister thing...Will start changing that asap. She told me last nite she wants me to talk to her like I do the baby in the morning. Meaning call her a little smiler and ask her what is so funny etc...So I did this a.m. and she was all smiles. Tonight we are going to go for awhile just the two of us, just to Target but still she is excited. Will have to check out that book...Thanks!
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