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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
i'm in the process of separating from my childrens' dad. and he is still living here because he has no where to go. it is such a long story. he owes my dad money so i am letting him stay until he pays him back. but it is so difficult the other night he gave me a list of all the things i did wrong in this marraige. he keeps saying he doesn't want anything to do with me and that he doesn't love me. it is so hard to parent and be happy and be there emotionally for the children. i feel so rejected. dd sees me crying all the time. dh won't even talk to me. he is working more so he won't have to be in the house with me. i miss so much the person i married. it is so hard to act normal. i don't want to see a therapist. i want my husband to love me like he did befor. i feel like someone has died.
 

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It sounds like a very difficult situation. I know one of the hardest things for me was the anger my X had towards me & the way he would constantly insult me.<br><br>
I've read lots of books & truly believe that when people talk about others, it's more about themselves. I used that alot when my X was ciriticizing me.....and guess what? Almost everything he ever said about me was a mirror of how he feels about himself. I started to learn more about him by listening to him insult me.<br><br>
When my X decided the marriage was over, it came from months of him thinking it through, before he decided to tell me. So it happened in an instant for me and he was already past the point of no return. And in those months, he was building a case.....so he was looking for all the imperfections, difficulties, etc. and I believe that he had to really get himself angry & hateful to justify leaving his kids. That's a pretty ugly place to be. And being there, he wanted to lash out & hurt me so I'd feel as crappy as him.<br><br>
What I'm trying to say is, what he says to you is about him, not you. If it strikes a nerve, maybe it's something you don't like in yourself either, but you can work on yourself when you're feeling stronger.<br><br>
Right now you need to figure out a way to deflect his comments. When he puts you down, think about how he's really putting himself down. Another thing that helped me was to remember that anger is really fear deep down. I sometimes got to a place where I felt sorry for him because he was so filled with fear & anger & how difficult his life must be to live that way. He says he doesn't love you because he doesn't love himself.<br><br>
These are things I had to do to help me get through this phase of divorce. You are grieving a death.....the death of a relationship, a marriage, your hopes and dreams as a family, loss of love & intimacy etc. Treat it as such & allow yourself to feel your emotions honestly & move through them. I believe it's okay for our children to see us expressing real emotions. It's part of life.<br><br>
I also know that this phase does pass & things do start to get better. If you can find lots of positive things about yourself and focus on the best parts of your life, it will help. Surround yourself with as many loving, caring people as possible. It will help you realize that you are loved by many people and that you are lovable and wonderful in many ways.<br><br>
Sending you peace & love as you move through this -- L.J.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
thank you L.J. I never thought of it as when he says negative things about me it is really about himself.he has also thought this out i figure for about 6 months befor springing it on me.
 

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First of all, hugs ((((jannan))))!<br><br>
The insults and anger seem to be common in STB-x's. Mine has totally rewritten our marital history with the same old tired cliches: I never really loved you, I was never really happy, blah, blah, blah. At first, his words cut me to the bone and I hurt through and through. Now, on most days anyway, I look at of his statements as hollow justifications and defensiveness for his actions that have destroyed our marriage. In other words, it is guilt talking!<br><br>
Know that his actions and words have *nothing* to do with you. You cannot change him and you cannot change to change him, KWIM? You could have been taller, shorter, thinner, fatter, whatever and he still would be there hurling insults to relieve his guilt.<br><br>
Talk to your Dad about the money he is owed by your almost x. Maybe they can work out a repayment plan so your h can move out and leave you in peace. Then at least you won't have the constant upset of him around.<br><br>
Thinking of you...
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Mine has totally rewritten our marital history with the same old tired cliches: I never really loved you, I was never really happy, blah, blah, blah.</td>
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I actually got so tired of my X saying all this that I pulled out video tapes of us together where he was happy & loving and said, if this wasn't real, you're a real good actor!!!<br><br>
He stopped a lot of it after that!!!
 
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