[angela&avery]

I have been reading and reading and I so much want to not explode at my kids. I want to be more patient. I dont want to yell and lose it... I feel terrible when I do. I "know" what to do but once I start to lose it its so hard to stop myself. Does anyone have something they do.. a secret... a way to stop.... something that works??

: cuz Im so at a loss.

 

[UnschoolnMa]

Honestly? My practice of meditation and mindfulness is key for me in this area. If I can stop just for a second or two, and be very present in the situation long enough to view it for what it is I find I am much more grounded in my reaction, speech etc. Situations of frustration are temporary, and technically my words are too...but the effect my words have on the kids can be carried for a long time. When I mess up I apologize and we move on.

My kids are getting older now so it's less of, or at least a different kind, of issue than when they were 6 or something.

 

[angela&avery]

Quote:

Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa Situations of frustration are temporary, and technically my words are too...but the effect my words have on the kids can be carried for a long time. When I mess up I apologize and we move on. .

i like this. I DO apologize when I mess up. Every time. It just seems like its too often and I really WANT to be better. If you dont mind Id like to quote you and stick it on my fridge?? or make myself a mantra of it.....

 

[captain crunchy]

I second the meditation and mindfulness. Also, do you take anything for times when you feel this way... I found Bach's Rescue Remedy is awesome for moments of high stress -- it does wonders for my mood and is completely homeopathic...also, chamomille tea and tension tamer tea helps as well as aromatherapy... There are some scents which are known to bring about feelings of calmness such as lavender and champa flower (think nag champa incense) but any scent which elicits a feeling of calmness in you can work too. You can pick a scent you like, then when you are at your calmest, introduce that scent so your mind and senses make the connection. Continue that for a while (several days or even weeks), but only when you are very calm to begin with. Then you can begin to introduce it in times of stress and your mind/body/senses will make the connection to the scent which you introduced when you were already calm and help you feel calmer.

I also talk to myself out loud a lot which sounds weird but isn't

I mean in moments of high stress I may say out loud "This reaction is unreasonable, what is REALLY upsetting me" ... Yeah my daughter looks at me funny but it does help a lot. It helps me stop completely in the moment.

Good luck mama.

 

[angela&avery]

Quote:

Originally Posted by captain crunchy I second the meditation and mindfulness. Also, do you take anything for times when you feel this way... I found Bach's Rescue Remedy is awesome for moments of high stress -- it does wonders for my mood and is completely homeopathic...also, chamomille tea and tension tamer tea helps as well as aromatherapy... There are some scents which are known to bring about feelings of calmness such as lavender and champa flower (think nag champa incense) but any scent which elicits a feeling of calmness in you can work too. You can pick a scent you like, then when you are at your calmest, introduce that scent so your mind and senses make the connection. Continue that for a while (several days or even weeks), but only when you are very calm to begin with. Then you can begin to introduce it in times of stress and your mind/body/senses will make the connection to the scent which you introduced when you were already calm and help you feel calmer. I also talk to myself out loud a lot which sounds weird but isn't I mean in moments of high stress I may say out loud "This reaction is unreasonable, what is REALLY upsetting me" ... Yeah my daughter looks at me funny but it does help a lot. It helps me stop completely in the moment. Good luck mama.

this is super, thanks!! I have thought about trying a remedy of some sort, but I havent done it yet. I like the idea of a scent trigger, but im not sure what to use... Ill have to look into that....

 

[LynnS6]

Deep breathing is something you can do too, in the moment. Meditation helps long term.

Sometimes I just stand stock still and take some deep breaths. (And lest you think you're alone, that's about 50% of the time. The other 50% I yell. I'm getting better. It's down to just one word - but it's HARD).

Quote:

I also talk to myself out loud a lot which sounds weird but isn't I mean in moments of high stress I may say out loud "This reaction is unreasonable, what is REALLY upsetting me" ... Yeah my daughter looks at me funny but it does help a lot. It helps me stop completely in the moment.

I do too -- it's about 1/2 directed at me and 1/2 at the kids. "I'm really starting to lose my patience right now." "I'm really tired and cranky." I don't know if my kids get it, but it helps ME to take mental stock of where I am and usually gets me through the next couple of minutes.

I would also say that for me, as an introvert, it is CRUCIAL that I get time to myself to 'recharge' my batteries. I"m in a profession where I have people contact a lot. My kids are glued to my side when I'm at home. Neither of those allow me to recharge. So, it doesn't need to be long, but I do need time to unwind. On days when I've been home all day with the kids, dh will usually take them somewhere (a walk in the evening, out in the yard) -- just so I can sit down and read the newspaper without being required to also play the fire alarm for our 5 year old and read stories to our 2 year old. In the past, dh would take the kids on an 'outing' on the weekend (usually something simple like a ride on the light rail), and I'd know that I'd have an hour to recharge. I'm a much better GD parent when I'm feeling good!

 

[kmamma]

Although I don't in any way consider apologizing to be "bad", I try not to do this any longer. Once I'm centered, we just move on without an apology. Ds just seemed way more traumatized by my apologies. Children don't really want us to make a fuss about things. Too much center of attention.

 

[UnschoolnMa]

Interesting. I think it's for the best to stop apologizing if it is just upsetting rather than helpful.

Mine have always appreciated it, and I feel good about showing them that kind of respect.

 

[fly-mom]

Playful parenting comes to my rescue when I can remember to do it. It not only redirects my dd, but it redirects me as well.

DD has actually started redirecting me at times. Example... when getting her dressed sometimes I get frustrated if she is resistant or um, off in her own world (kwim?), so I pretend that I can't catch her feet to put her socks on. I act all crazy and confused, which ALWAYS gets her giggling. I have noticed a few times lately that if I am getting frustrated dd will start waving her feet around and say something like "You can't catch my feet mommy". If I take this in the sense that I think she means it, that is to say, as redirection (rather than defiance or deliberately trying to annoy me), it really helps to reframe the situation in my mind and lifts my mood.

 

[LaughingHyena]

I've taken to keeping my camera handy. It's not always appropriate but stopping to take a picture of the third time in the day when the cereal has been emptied on the floor and DD is sat happily eating keep my sense of humor about the situation. (and yes I found a new home for the cereal

)

I also sing, it keeps my breathing under control and helps me stay calm. Until recently it's also helped calm DD down, now shes 2 though she has definante ideas of which song. Getting it wrong can make things MUCH worse.

 

[Benji'sMom]

I started out by giving myself time outs, which I guess I was really giving Benji time outs but the purpose was to stop myself, not him.

Now I've gotten better and I stop what I'm doing and force myself to think about how I'm going to feel afterwards if I go through with it (guilty and ashamed). But it's not always easy to physically restrain myself, but just counting to 3 in my head before I go off is long enough. Then I think, "Well, I don't want to do that, I want to find another solution that we'll both like." It redirects my brain to some positive solution, I guess.

 

[MamaRabbit]

I lock myself in my room. If it's just DD awake, she's on her own for a few minutes. If both are awake, I scoop up DS and bring him with me (for his safety!), and he plays on the floor. I read a page of a magazine or book, just until my heart stops pounding. Then I think it over and go out and deal with it.

My mom was very violent towards me and I know I have those tendencies if I'm not careful. Removing myself from the situation seems to work.

 

[ShaggyDaddy]

I always just change the scenery. Walk to a different room or outside or whatever (usually with DS in tow, but not always).

It works great for me and him both. We just leave our frustrations behind.

Also turning music on or off or changing it does a lot. We have a definate sound track to our lives, there is usually music on or just about to be turned on. My 14 month old started singing brown-eyed girl the other day. Awwwwwww.

 

[hellyaellen]

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[SomedayMom]

I had a dad growing up who had a bad temper. It took a lot to get to it, but when you did...watch out.

I inherited that. Most of the time I'm calm and cool and patient. But when I get angry, I get angry. My dad could have been the sweetest person otherwise, and he is, but growing up I didn't like him. That scares the hell out of me.

I was actually just about to post something like this. I am in tears because I just lost it with my son who took 2 hours to go down for his nap. After an hour I reached my breaking point and yelled at him. This made me leave the room and he played for about 30 minutes happily up there, and the stupid thing is I was still so frustrated after 30 minutes. He was yawning and tired and still refusing to sleep and I yelled at him again. He did lay down and go to sleep all the while I'm crying because I feel like the worst mom in the world.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE THIS MOM. I hate myself at the moment. And there he is, so perfect and peaceful sleeping next to me.

Anyway, I guess that is to say you aren't alone, but I am also taking notes...I need to be a better person for my son.

 

[SomedayMom]

double post

 

[Divaostrich]

I definetely recommend the rescue remedy too! I want to buy the spray next time I am out. That looks really nifty! I also like to use an aromatherapy that is called Stress what Stress, a blend by Natural Family Boutique. It has eucalyptus and spearamint. It smells so nice and really calms my whole house down, b/c when mom's not happy..........you know the rest

.

I also remove myself completely from the situation when I feel like I will lose it. I take my 16 month Dd in the room with me and close the door until I feel calmer. Usually a couple of minutes at most. My 4 yr old Dd used to hate this, but now respects my need for momentary separation and has started to do this herself when she is overwhelmed with her feelings.