I just tell people we don't like those gendered terms - because for us the objection is largely to the gendered termonology (as well as the other issues) and people largely respect that. I just try to be upfront with people.
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How do you respond to relatives who say "Good girl/boy" to your dc?
Ok, I was just reading another 'good job' thread, and all research and alfie kohn aside, we can all pretty much agree there is something wrong with "good girl" and "good boy". So what do you do/say (if anything) when relatives (some grandparents around here are notorious for it) use these phrases? Are there some quick comebacks/remarks to let them know that is unacceptable? Is it ok for kids to hear it from non-parents as long as it isn't often? Should I instead say something to dc along the lines "Well, whether or not you're a good person has nothing to do with the fact that you just went potty by yourself/helped Nana put away the tins you got out/ shared a treat with your cousin."
Maybe that's too passive-aggressive...
So what do you do or say?
Maybe that's too passive-aggressive...
So what do you do or say?
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Just a thought...
When I see this with my nieces I tend to add a non-judging statement to whatever was said ("Good girl! Good job! You're the best bike rider ever!," etc.)
Not necessarily a second later (don't want to arouse suspicion!
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), but I'll say something like "Thank you! You must have worked hard on that! "You went really far on your bike!" That kind of thing. I hope that it gives them something to think about, since they hear "Good girl!" kinds of comments all the time-- I'm sure mine stand out.
When I see this with my nieces I tend to add a non-judging statement to whatever was said ("Good girl! Good job! You're the best bike rider ever!," etc.)
Not necessarily a second later (don't want to arouse suspicion!
While I think it is a problem when parents use this phrase, I don't think it is at ALL a big deal when others do.
IMHO, there is no reason to respond, unless its someone who is around your child ennough to really be a factor in how they grow and develop.
To say "we dont say this..." I would think (to myself) if I was just a friend child saw once in awhile ("well I DO!")
IMHO, there is no reason to respond, unless its someone who is around your child ennough to really be a factor in how they grow and develop.
To say "we dont say this..." I would think (to myself) if I was just a friend child saw once in awhile ("well I DO!")
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I agree with this...and even if a parent says it sometimes it's not harmful...I think the problem comes when all the praise comes in this form.
Originally Posted by maya44 While I think it is a problem when parents use this phrase, I don't think it is at ALL a big deal when others do. IMHO, there is no reason to respond, unless its someone who is around your child ennough to really be a factor in how they grow and develop. To say "we dont say this..." I would think (to myself) if I was just a friend child saw once in awhile ("well I DO!") |
I'm glad someone thought my advice was sound! :LOL I'm soooooo new to the idea of GD/UP, but I like it, FTMP.
I also agree with what Maya said... I think that going in to any kind of long explanation ("we don't think that your doing something good *makes* you good, blah blah") is probably too much for most kids, too.
And kids *will* get this from some people, some of the time-- doctors, teachers, friends' parents, etc. I'm thinking the key is that the people who take the major role in disciplining and guiding (i.e., the parents) don't do it. Since kids learn most from their parents, what *their parents* do is going to influence the kids the most.
I guess if you had a DCP, nanny or live-in family member doing this day-in and day-out, that might be an issue, but then you could chat directly with the person about how you want your kids to be raised.
But FTMP it's like any other "bad influence," IMO... I won't curse around my kids (well, maybe not *never*, but I don't curse much as it is, so hopefully it won't be a problem). I won't hit my kids. I won't call them names. I won't let them eat candy for breakfast (probably!).
But I GUARANTEE that someone else-- either an adult or a kid-- will do all these things to my kids at some point, and I won't always be able to stop them. Since they'll spend most of their time listening to DH and myself, the impact of those "bad influences" will be much less. We can only control so much of what our kids are exposed to-- but luckily, that is quite a bit.
I also agree with what Maya said... I think that going in to any kind of long explanation ("we don't think that your doing something good *makes* you good, blah blah") is probably too much for most kids, too.
And kids *will* get this from some people, some of the time-- doctors, teachers, friends' parents, etc. I'm thinking the key is that the people who take the major role in disciplining and guiding (i.e., the parents) don't do it. Since kids learn most from their parents, what *their parents* do is going to influence the kids the most.
I guess if you had a DCP, nanny or live-in family member doing this day-in and day-out, that might be an issue, but then you could chat directly with the person about how you want your kids to be raised.
But FTMP it's like any other "bad influence," IMO... I won't curse around my kids (well, maybe not *never*, but I don't curse much as it is, so hopefully it won't be a problem). I won't hit my kids. I won't call them names. I won't let them eat candy for breakfast (probably!).
But I GUARANTEE that someone else-- either an adult or a kid-- will do all these things to my kids at some point, and I won't always be able to stop them. Since they'll spend most of their time listening to DH and myself, the impact of those "bad influences" will be much less. We can only control so much of what our kids are exposed to-- but luckily, that is quite a bit.
My mom tends to be really negative, so saying, "good girl" is less of my concern. My mom once told my niece (2 years old) that she was a bad girl for tearing a book. I explained to her that she shouldn't put terms on her like that or she'd make her a bad girl. I explained to her that it would be better to address the action and explain why it's not acceptable rather than name-call. Then I threw in that it's a good idea to do that with the good things she does also. I also try to lead by example. YOu could also suggest that they tell her why they think she's a good girl.
I'm with the others. It's not a big deal, as long as it's not from somebody who's doing a lot of childcare.
As someone who is trying to discover how I will parent my child, let me just offer this bit: A year ago, if one of my relatives or friends (except someone I was extremely close to - and then I would probably already know how he/she parents) turned to me and "explained" how what I thought was a compliment was detrimental to the child, I would be really upset or offended. After all, I was just trying to express my admiration for the child's accomplishment.
So I like the PPs suggestions about just following up the "good girl" with a more appropriate statement to the child, unless the person is someone who cares for the child often.
So I like the PPs suggestions about just following up the "good girl" with a more appropriate statement to the child, unless the person is someone who cares for the child often.
I 'm not familiar with this style of parenting...I am really curious about why it is that saying "good girl" or "good boy" isn't such a good thing, some one even mentioned it being detrimental. Keep in mind I am really curious and am in no way questioning your parenting decisions...I just wanted to know why you choose this and why it works.
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