[CariS]

Hi all -

I had a bad day with the kids. I don't know what to do. I find myself yelling sooo much its really terrible.

I have a stack of books to read (but am so wiped by the end of the day I haven't had the energy to read a word). I'm taking a parenting workshop on gentle discipline. I would love to have a 'break' but we don't have family near by and just moved here so no support network yet (but I'm hopeful that one day we'll have that).

But what do I do IN THE MOMENT? I try to keep cool but after a few hours of whining, asking me for 100 things at once, me trying to pay a few bills or something minimal like that. I just become a horrible grump.

Please tell me how you keep cool. Thank you!

 

[sacredmama]

I'm certainly no expert as I do lose it, but PRACTICE. It gets easier as I do it more. Deep breaths, change focus, walk outside, scream in a pillow, bring the kids on a walk, consciously relax one part of the body at a time, write in a journal, I've even locked myself in the bathroom and washed my face.

 

[meemee]

how old are your kids?

for me when i feel the lid is about to burst i give myself a timeout. and then i do what the pp said. or mostly grumble that i want to do this' and i am not finding time to get it done.

i appreciate that you recognise that you need a break.

but really the key is for me to change my thinking. to me this is what has helped the most. it is not easy to do and it requires constant thought discipline - but in the long run this is what stopped me from being a yelling mom.

the thing is to focus on our children. really focus. for me i was a single mom and not getting any breaks. breaks were not an option. so then i reprogrammed myself and really got into how much i really enjoyed motherhood. how deeply moving it was. what a wonder it was to watch my child grow.

i will never forget that moment when my 'leech' dd was about 16 months old. it was 5 pm. i was completely exhausted. i was ready to give her away. i was done with parenting. and i had the light bulb go off in my head. why not just watch my dd play. seriously watch her and appreciate her. does it always have to be 'my' time. why cant my time be including her. oh i was moved to tears. and it still brings tears to my eyes.

THAT was my defining moment. when i am at my worst i 'watch' my dd. i observe all the little things she does. and it moves me to tears. its almost like a spiritual moment for me.

somehow my dd i think picks up on the calm mommy and understands when to leave me alone and give me some peace time.

eta: one other thing that has been my mantra which comes from watching my dd is the sense of time passing. when she is not going to need me anymore. when things always will not be like this. when they will slowly start the doing other things which does not require mommy process.

so for me parenting is a ticking 'time bomb'.

my dd is 6 now. and i already see all the changes. it makes me happy and sad at the same time. i welcome the mature her but i also at the same time miss the sweet innocent needy child she left behind.

 

[sunshineafterrain]

Quote:

Originally Posted by meemee how old are your kids? for me when i feel the lid is about to burst i give myself a timeout. and then i do what the pp said. or mostly grumble that i want to do this' and i am not finding time to get it done. i appreciate that you recognise that you need a break. but really the key is for me to change my thinking. to me this is what has helped the most. it is not easy to do and it requires constant thought discipline - but in the long run this is what stopped me from being a yelling mom. the thing is to focus on our children. really focus. for me i was a single mom and not getting any breaks. breaks were not an option. so then i reprogrammed myself and really got into how much i really enjoyed motherhood. how deeply moving it was. what a wonder it was to watch my child grow. i will never forget that moment when my 'leech' dd was about 16 months old. it was 5 pm. i was completely exhausted. i was ready to give her away. i was done with parenting. and i had the light bulb go off in my head. why not just watch my dd play. seriously watch her and appreciate her. does it always have to be 'my' time. why cant my time be including her. oh i was moved to tears. and it still brings tears to my eyes. THAT was my defining moment. when i am at my worst i 'watch' my dd. i observe all the little things she does. and it moves me to tears. its almost like a spiritual moment for me. somehow my dd i think picks up on the calm mommy and understands when to leave me alone and give me some peace time. eta: one other thing that has been my mantra which comes from watching my dd is the sense of time passing. when she is not going to need me anymore. when things always will not be like this. when they will slowly start the doing other things which does not require mommy process. so for me parenting is a ticking 'time bomb'. my dd is 6 now. and i already see all the changes. it makes me happy and sad at the same time. i welcome the mature her but i also at the same time miss the sweet innocent needy child she left behind.

Wow that is a really wonderful way to look at things- how lucky you both are!
It's at the hardest moments that we really need to remember this. Thanks

Not as profound, but I work with young children and sitting right down on the floor with them, especially when things are not going so great, works amazingly well- and focusing as you say, gives such perspective; you see things you would have missed otherwise.

 

[velcromom]

In the moment, oh gosh, it's so hard. One thing that sometimes works for me is to think about when I was his age, how I felt then, and to remind myself that I am shaping his childhood in the same way my mom did for me then. Then instead of saying what is about to come out of your mouth, repeat back to your dc what they say, and keep doing that til they have had their say. You will be surprised what is behind their actions sometimes, they've got ideas going on in there that they cannot express on the spot, especially with mom getting upset. They don't always say the right thing either.

Listening is never wrong.

 

[CariS]

Thank you all so much!!!!!

Its so simple - slow down, watch and listen. Its all sooo true. I need to do that in my life anyway before I even had children. I've been wanting to take a meditation class or something. I'm going to look into it right now. Thank you all so much!

I get so stressed and upset and feel like the work never stops. Like all I do is clean clean clean which would be fine if the house looked normal (kinda messy, kinda dirty). But my house constantly looks like one of those snow globes - like some one picked it up, shook it, made everything fall out of its place, and put it back down.

But I need to breath, let that all go, and play with my kids more. Or watch them play. I needed to hear what you all wrote. I'm going to read it everyday. I was/am in this silly space of feeling so overwhelmed. It sickens me to repeat this - but my dd asked me to dance with her yesterday and I said I couldn't. THAT's not the life I want! I want to dance!

Thank you!!!!

 

[CariS]

Quote:

Originally Posted by meemee how old are your kids?

Sorry forgot to say - 4yo and 2 yo.

I wanted to thank you too Meemee for your post. I'm sorry you were/are a single parent. That must be so hard! My mom was a single parent (only child, dad left when I was 2 yo). So I saw how hard it is. I often think of my young mom and all single parents out there when my kids have a fever in the night or something. Its so much on your own. hugs!

But what you said about needing a break but that not being an option - I get that. My dh worked tooooo many hours for the first 2 years of dd's life and I was in most part a single parent. And even now - I'd love a break but no solution in sight. That feels bad - I know what the problem is but can't fix it.

So to hear you then say - just sit and watch the children. No mention of 'doing' this or that - just sit. That's my mantra for this week!

Just sit!

Many many thanks for your very lovely post! Thank you!!!!

 

[kamilla626]

I love what meemee wrote too, and dh and I try to keep that same perspective.

I'm also very up front with dd if I feel really frustrated. I would NEVER say, "don't make me yell" or anything, but I have told her calmly, "Dd I'm really frustrated right now with all the things I'm trying to do, and I almost feel like yelling. Can we both work on chilling out for a minute so that neither of us get too upset? Neither of like yelling, or being yelled at - can we just hug for a minute?" I find that I sort of hold my self more accountable to my goal of not yelling if I turn into an open conversation and ask for a team effort, iykwim.

 

[meemee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CariS I've been wanting to take a meditation class or something. I'm going to look into it right now. Thank you all so much!

YES! YES! YES! look around you. lots and lots of places offer meditation. i first went to a meditation service at a Unity church. i even spoke to the pastor saying i felt guilty not being a member or visiting their sunday service, but he v. kindly said he would love to have me in whichever form i was able to attend. i also took part in a woman's group there when i first started. and none of it was religious - but v. open so i really enjoyed it. i have since moved on from there.

so really you dont really need a class. what you need is a group to meditate with. for me it was really, really hard to do it on my own.

i also took my dd along. she refused to go to the childcare. so she stayed with me and was quiet and used to fall asleep. we started when she was 3. oh the friendships i made there. what a connection to the people there.

i recall either hearing this or reading about it - but it has always stayed with me. children encouraging their mother to go meditate because she came back soooo changed. a better calmer mommy in their eyes.

now my dd meditates too. just for a couple of minutes. she has used it to calm her fears AND deal with pain instead of taking medicine.

i now meditate at the cost of sleep. it is absolutely worth it in every sense of the word.

 

[georgia]

Moving to Gentle Discipline

 

[Danielle13]

reviving this thread. Because its so helpful and I need more help in this area

 

[nd_deadhead]

When my twins were little (3 or 4?), we never had a problem putting them to bed. One night, for some reason DH wasn't home,a nd they decided for the first time in their lives that they did NOT want to go to bed! I got so frustrated I wanted to knock their little heads together, when I had a flash of inspiration - Snuggle time!

We were in the habit of starting our day with a Couch Snuggle - a little quiet time on the couch under a blanket, one on each side of me. That night when I was so mad I shouted "COUCH SNUGGLE!" and headed to the couch and grabbed a blanket. They crawled up next to me, and one started in on "It all started when he..." I stopped him and said "This isn't about who started what - this is about calming down and relaxing so we can get ready to go to sleep". For a while I didn't let anyone talk, then we started with normal "couch snuggle", non-confrontational words. Pretty soon one of them said "I'm tired", and off they went to bed.

I could have spent another hour yelling at them, and eventuyally they would have probably cried themselves to sleep, but 15 minutes on the couch worked a lot better.

Another thing I found is that it was impossible for me to stay mad at a child if I was giving him a hug. I'd get down on one knee, look into that beautiful face, wrap my arms around him, and I could just feel the anger drain away.

 

[jjawm]

With my older boys (9 and 11), when I get to the boiling point I ask them to sit on the couch in the other room for a few minutes while I get my head together. It used to take 10 minutes or so - now I'm down to just 1 or 2 usually.

With dd, I do tons of things. I pray. I call dh. I sing a silly song I made up asking God to help me be a nice mommy, a patient mommy, a gentle mommy and so on. Maryam likes the song and it calms both of us down. I'll try to think of something to do that we haven't done in a long time, like fingerpaint or getting out a bowl of flour to play with.

 

[mum5]

Had a bad "yelling" day today, not sure why, but the kiddos remarked on how grumpy I was.
Thanks all for your great words though. It helps to know that there are others out there that feel this way and also that there are so many ways of dealing with it.
I do often put myself in the children's shoes, and try to remember what it was like to be young in a confusing world, just trying to figure things out, and mummy doesn't help if she is upset about something really silly.

Tomorrow is another day and I will remember all your words of wisdom