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Discussion Starter #1
H and I have more problems than I care to admit. I thought things were going good up until he walked out back in March, right around my due date.<br><br>
He called after walking out and apologized, promised all sorts of changes, etc. He begged to come back home. I let him come back home. I was impressed with how he was actually trying to make our marriage work. He was great for the week he was home after I had the baby.<br><br>
Well we had another major fight. I can't do it anymore. We can't have a healthy fight, any minor disagreement turns into a major fight. It's always over something stupid. I hate how it affects me though. I go into a major rage and I *want* to destroy things. I want to throw things, break things, punch a wall, etc. I USED to do those things. I have been through lots and lots of counseling and therapy to NOT do that anymore, but it is soooo hard. Today I had just the baby (my other two kids were with my parents) and I just had to go in the basement and scream. I HATE the rage that I feel. I hate that I allow myself to get to that point.<br><br>
So H tells me, in regards to what we were fighting about, if I don't like it I can do something about it (like I can initiate a divorce or whatever). He's back to refusing to work on things and he is refusing to change. Deep down I know in a day or two he's going to change his tune, but I cannot keep doing this. I cannot keep going through this. I feel physically sick right now.<br><br>
I feel sick because I'm afraid this really is *it*. That it really is over. And I don't want it to be. I don't want my family ripped apart. I don't want to be (gasp) alone. It's so scary to face a divorce...like I'm going to be alone forever.<br><br>
But I know this has to stop. This is unhealthy for all of us.<br><br>
How do I find the will to actually go through with separating? How do I quit talking myself out of going through with this?<br><br>
It's not a matter of working it out anymore. It has to end. But I'm so scared.<br><br>
Sorry if this makes no sense and I'm rambling.
 

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Mama,<br><br>
Please, it may be bad but you are in prime time territory for hormonal changes/anxieties/depression and that can be coloring your judgement. I am not saying that he wasn't a jerk and that you won't some day make the determination that it is better to leave than to stay. I just think that you should get past the postpartum healing and hormone shift before making major life decisions. Counseling may be something to go back to at least to help you though this rough patch until you are strong enough to make good decisions for you and your three children.<br><br>
As an aside, I can't imagine any good man allowing a little issue to become a huge fight when his wife is still healing and recuperating from birth. So right there I am in your camp. Uncalled for. He should have said whatever he had to to make it right or at least agree to table it for a more appropriate place or time.<br>
Lorrie
 

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i've been told by many wise women on this board that you'll know, and i agree with them. sometimes, leaving takes several attempts before one is really, really ready to do it. i know you just had a baby, and as one who has btdt, when something is broke, you just know it. the pain you are experiencing didn't just show up soon after the baby's birth--it was already there, and it likely won't go away once the pp period is over. so to me, while it might be sensible to pin this on pp emotions, this frustration has been and continues to be very real, constant, and unwavering. i've been in and out of therapy my whole life, and right now i'm experiencing a situation similar to yours minus a new baby. so far, the counseling seems to be helping me separate my thoughts from my emotions. most importantly though, i'm learning to cope and find my voice again. is there a chance you'd consider counseling again?<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> i understand. i really do.
 

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you mention that you've done lots of work in therapy. Have you both gone to counseling/therapy together? It can make a world of difference. if you did, did it help? If you've not gone to marital counseling, would either/both of you consider it?<br>
I'm so sorry you're going through this and wish you a lot of strength during this difficult time.
 

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Well, will he just walk back out? Can you separate for a while and then make final decisions? Honestly it sounds to me like you BOTH want out of this situation but neither of you knows how to end it.<br><br>
I'm in the same situation... neither of us wants to take the first step to get out. It is so frustrating and depressing. I have also had to work to the point where I simply don't let him needle me into a rage anymore.<br><br>
I hope you can get back into therapy and get some more help, mama. Good luck.
 

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DayDreamer: it sounds like the two of you are not as compatible as you originally thought you were. A simple "we're not meant for each other" is sometimes enough to start the seperation process. I'm not ever going to make judgements on people in these situations (neither against the man or the woman because I don't know the people involved, the situation, the details that aren't known, etc) but it really does sound to me like the two of you don't belong together. I've seen what you describe way too many times to count, and in all cases, the best solution was seperation, usually permanently.<br><br>
It sounds like you love each other, but that's not always enough.
 

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i think separating with the person you are married to, no matter how crappy it is, can be very difficult and painful for most people.<br>
for me, i just made the decision to separate and went through with it. i agonized about it for months but made a concrete plan of how i was going to do it and carried through with it.<br><br>
i'm so sorry for your pain. sometimes once you've made the decision and then go through with it, there is a big sense of relief. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I am still in counseling. He won't go. He won't even come to my sessions that are not even "marriage counseling." I lost my gram in June and he wouldn't go to learn how to help me through that either.<br><br>
He is a truck driver, home every 3 weeks for 3 days. His excuse is he isn't ever home. My therapist offered us LATE appointments on the nights he does get home and even to see us on Saturday or Sunday. He just won't go. I thought if I got enough therapy/counseling things would get better. And they were a little better b/c I was dealing with things better...but I can only do and take so much.<br><br>
When I am strong I feel that I can walk away. But then I have moments where I just cry and cry and I don't want my marriage to end. I truly don't want my marriage to end, but I don't want it to be like it is. I want to fix it, but I can't. I do love him a lot and he is a great person when we aren't fighting.<br><br>
I need to find the strength and just cut it loose. But WHERE do I find that strength?<br><br>
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ETA: I just wanted to clarify. *MY* therapist would see him in one of my sessions - just so he could "learn" about me and my feelings. If we wanted "marriage counseling" we would have to see another therapist (and at the place I would go they are good about working into your schedule, so another therapist would probably do the late/weekend apts too). Just wanted to clarify that my therapist won't see us for marriage counseling due to conflict of interest.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
No advice. I think your next moved depends on where the spirit leads you.<br><br>
There have been marriages that come back from what you are describing, and those that don't. It seems to boil down to PARTNERSHIP (it takes two), faith and hope.<br><br>
It's hard and I can tell you are hurting. You have my prayers.
 

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There is a really great book called "The Dance of Connection" by Harriet Lerner. It talks a lot about how to negotiate bottom-line issues and a whole bunch of things in finding yours. It might really help you frame your thinking at least. Sorry that things are so rough!
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"><br><br>
I don't really have any advice either. The kids will know something is different if/when you separate, but at least with him being a trucker, their schedule of seeing him won't be affected (assuming he will take them the days he's home). It won't be like they go from living with him every day to seeing him once a week.
 

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I am sort of confused as to why you want to leave. I think it could very well be emotional/hormonal since you were PG and are now in the pp time. I would not leave or initiate leaving until you are sure it's NOT just hormones/emotions/PPD. Some things you have said really make me wonder if this is more about you than it is about him and your relationship. You are in counciling for various reasons, do you have PPD and is your councilor looking for signs? The rage issues you mentioned I think are almost normal in relationships where the monther is really the sole responsible party the majority of the time (3 days every 3 weeks is rediculous, you do need more of a break if you have 3 kids. I cannot imagine!) There were times when I felt like I just HAD to scream, I was tired, sleep deprived, and had little help. It was ususally the no sleep that got me the worst. Are you sleeping well? Is there any way for you to get more help from family w/ your kids? It really sounds to me like you need a break. I cannot see how ending your relationship will help those rage/unhappy feelings or outbursts. This is something that you need to work on in counciling.<br><br>
Now, I want to make it clear I am not saying you SHOULD stay married, I am just unclear as to why you need a divorce/to walk away. Why is your relationship failing? Is it DH? Is it you? Is it just circumstances? Will circumstances change for the better if you leave? Those are some questions you really need to consider before leaving. I also wonder if your DH may get tired of dealing w/ your issues, since you have admitted you have some you are in counciling for. THat may be the reason he isn't wanting to go w/ you, or he may just be tired, since he works so much and only gets a few days rest. Working that much is definately taking a toll on him, you, and your relationship.<br><br>
Hugs!
 
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