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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok I am having a hard time with Dh... He is getting so frusterated with ryan...<br>
Ryan wont keep his cloths on....<br>
he doesnt listen<br>
wont stay out of the kitchen<br>
leave things alone<br>
he is hard to understand with his speach<br><br><br>
I can go on.... but it frusterates DH and he thinks DS is just being defiant or purposly not listening...<br><br><br>
I said to Dh today... You need to try and come to all these appointments and therapies so maybe you can understand DS a little bit better and understand that this is not all in his control.<br><br>
I saw Dh get all teary eyed... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> This is not normal for Dh he is a MAN<br>
I think he is having a hard time with DS not being perfect...<br><br>
I hope all this made sense... I need to go to the groery store .be back to read later...
 

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Men process this stuff completely differently than we do. Mine still doesn't believe it sometimes I think.<br><br>
Will Ron read anything? See, my dh won't, but he will watch videos or DVD's so it's basically MY responsibility to seek out the videos, get them and make him watch them. If yours will read, choose some basic, simple easy-to-understand stuff for him.<br><br>
I think it takes them a lot longer than us. We take the info/ dx and then find out all we can. You probably have a stack of books on your coffee table to read, no? lol I always do... and a stack in the bathroom and a stack on the bookshelf. It is easier for us to accept, learn and move on w/ treatments. I think men get stuck at the accept part.<br><br>
Anyway, hang in there and see if you can get him to read anything or watch something or go to an appt. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Read...men can read... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Sorry that was wrong........ no he wont read.. I want him to go to some of the appt. with me but he works so much he says he cant but i am not sure if he wants to.......... that would make it to real for him... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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I just tell dh as much as I can as he'll take it. He celebrates the triumphs with us and lets go the not good stuff. My Jake will be 4 this month and there's lots of stuff he doesn't do or doesn't get. Does dh get frustrated? Of course, as do I sometimes. We're human.<br><br>
Do you learn some of the therapies to work on at home? I started by telling dh a few simple signs and things we needed to do and built from there. Dh does do some research here and there on the internet and occasionally sends me stuff.
 

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I could have written your post word for word...from the kitchen to dh who is having a hard time.<br><br>
He is starting to be able to deal with it to a degree, but it is still touch and go for the most part. I think he was releived that it would be a year before we could get into the developmental ped because then there would be a year that he wouldn't have the official label on him.<br><br>
Other than leaving books about the condition your child is facing in the bathroom (captive audience and doesn't feel so much like 'homework' to them), I can't give a lot of advice.<br><br>
Dh did verbalize that he was scared for ds because he was made fun of and doesn't want that for ds.<br><br>
I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one facing this frustrating and difficult situation.
 

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It's so hard, and as you've read here, it's such a common problem. Men just...well...they're different. The best thing I've found with dh is to not tell him about things to do with ds like I'm "telling him what to do." Either mention it casually, or if it's really important (like brushing), sit down with him after ds is asleep and talk to him about it, explaining why it's so important, and always capping it off with a "I know you might think this is bunk and not want to do it, but please just do it for me, it would really help ME feel a lot less stressed out."<br><br>
It's a fine line. As if you're not already walking one, right? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Day to day. Moment by moment. I must say, I thank God we were in marriage counseling during the diagnosis and early treatment phase, it helped to have a counselor there to 'referee' and clarify, and to back me up on lots of stuff so dh stopped chalking it up to "paranoid mommy." If you think you can, get your dh into counseling, even just once a month. It really is helpful, as a couple this is one of the most stressful things you'll go through, and asking for help from a counselor is not weak or weird.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks ladies... this situation really sucks but it helps to know that i am not the only one going through this....<br><br>
Is seems to do better when I remins him that he needs to be more involved with his apts... but that is not so easy for him as we are military and they dont just give time off when you want it.<br><br>
grrrrrrrr it is so frusterating some times... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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My dh is a great father in most respects but he is out of touch with my dd2's issues because he works long hours and I'm the one who takes care of her most of the time. He is happy to let me take care of the details. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
I really got a full grasp of his lack of understanding when he admitted one day, a year after she got her stomach tube, that he didn't know what GERD stood for. He didn't understand why Prilosec wouldn't stop the vomiting. He couldn't begin to program her feeding pump or understand how to fix error messages when it beeped. He only has gone to a few appointments and I'm always the one taking her to ER or staying with her in the hospital. He just didn't understand a lot of really basic stuff about her health issues.<br><br>
OTOH he plays great with the kids. He's good about letting me take naps on the weekends. If I specifically write out instructions he will follow them. It took a long time for him to accept that she probably won't outgrow this anytime soon, but now he's finally, 2 years later, getting better.<br><br>
I'm sorry your dh is having a hard time accepting. Maybe time will make it easier. I do recommend that he go to some therapy so he can help out with that at home, too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Yea he is a fantastic father... he plays reads all the good daddy stuff.... Wehn he comes home from work he takes over for the most part... does most of the bathing and putting to bed........... he changed cloth diapers... the whole nine yards.......... He even gets up on the weekends with him... But he just doesnt understand that Ryan can not help what he does.......<br><br>
Some times I feel like if this is my only problem with him I shouldnt be complaining but well damn it i am tired of being the only one to handle all this....<br><br>
Ok I feel a bit better now.......... it helps to vent to ladies who understand my frustration... thanks
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Yea he is a fantastic father... he plays reads all the good daddy stuff.... Wehn he comes home from work he takes over for the most part... does most of the bathing and putting to bed........... he changed cloth diapers... the whole nine yards.......... He even gets up on the weekends with him... But he just doesnt understand that Ryan can not help what he does.......<br><br>
Some times I feel like if this is my only problem with him I shouldnt be complaining but well damn it i am tired of being the only one to handle all this....<br><br>
Ok I feel a bit better now.......... it helps to vent to ladies who understand my frustration... thanks
 

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Omg, USAmma. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> Bless your heart.<br><br>
My dh has flat out said he prefers me to be in charge of "the health stuff." I'm evil, though. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">: Whenever we have an appt. with a specialist or an evaluation, I MAKE him take time off work to go. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/demon.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="demon">: Yes, evil henpecking woman that I am. I understand though, that in the military that's just not possible.<br><br>
One trick we discussed earlier here which another SN on another board passed onto me was to take all the magazines and other 'reading material' out of the bathroom <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> , and leave only books on your child's condition or articles on your child's condtion there. IT WORKS. My dh, lo and behold, has actually started reading books on autism (as finch falls over with shock, fanning herself).<br><br>
Husbands are tricky. I have often wondered to myself what would happen if I died suddenly....would dh step up to the plate? I even sat him down one night and made him promise me that should I die, that he would continue all the therapies and treatments and go with whatever ds's therapists were recommending, no matter how stupid and/or tedious he perceived it to be. I'm sure he thinks Im a total nutbar. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue">
 

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I feel so much more blessed after reading this thread.<br><br>
I have a son with high functioning Autism. I handle most of the arrangements for his care, etc, because I am the one at home most of the time. I am thankful my husband is genuinely interested in knowing all about our son's disability and accepts it. If he does not understand something, he asks and I tell him, and he does not feel I am telling him what to do. I have full confidence that if something should ever happen to me, my husband would be able to take very good care of our child and his brothers. He also does not consider anything pertaining to the care of our son as "unnecessary" or "stupid" or whatever.<br><br>
Yes, dealing with a disabled child can be stressful. Sometimes, you just have to accept what IS and deal with it. Hard to do sometimes, but necessary for the well being of the child and the family.
 

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My husband is wonderful in regards to DS's therapies and all that. He works nights and came to almost every therapy session until he started school. He comes with me to school parties and is actually going by himself to volunteer for a field trip DS is having on the 28th.<br><br>
My problem is, he thinks he'll outgrow it. DS has SID and developmental delays. He's quite off track socially, but he's smart as a whip. I guess Dh thinks it'll all work out one day, while I'm thinking he may live with us forever. We got into an argument a few weeks ago about it. I guess it's denial... and it's hard.
 

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My dh is great with my boys. But I know he has almost no clue what is going on with Little Bear's health issues. Like USAmma's husband, he said to me one night that he had no idea just how pervasive Little Bear's urinary tract issues really are for him and how some simple damage done has really affected almost everything. I was shocked. This was a good year after the fact.<br><br>
I worry too Finch that if I died DH just wouldn't know what to do. He doesn't understand the importance of giving meds on time or of waking and taking care of this or that.<br><br>
I really wish I had a wife sometimes. Or maybe just a live in nurse.<br><br>
mv
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
OK I guess I need to clarify a few things... I think I may have not been clear enough...<br><br>
Dh has no doubt that our DS has some issues..When I wanted to do the fiengold diet Dh was a bit of a skeptic at first but after he saw the difference in Ryan he is a very firm believer and sticks to the diet very well. He reads labels and checks every thing...<br>
He is just having a hard time grasping the ASD issues... He total will tell you that DS is ADHD and NO we dont medicate.... He has no problem with that... I think he is having a hard time with the ASD because DS does have really good days where Dh will say see he is doing better... He also thinks autism is cut and past all the same... I explain to him all the time that Ryan has so many of the traits... not all children are violent, or show no feelings, they do make eye contact and interact with other people.... so once I get him to understand that autism is not a one sided issue I think that he will understand it more...<br><br>
Now If I die tomorrow would he be OK with Ryan...<br><br>
I think he would... he knows how to use the fiengold books and how to shop for the diet... he knows when and where DS goes to therapy... He knows how to get him to sleep and even eat..<br>
Do I think he would have my patience with him.... no ... But I am home all day I am the one who deals with him and helps him so I do have more patience with him...<br><br>
I just don't want to make my DH come off as an Ass of a husband because I assure you he is not... He is just having a hard time coping with the fact that his perfect little boy is not going to be considers "normal" what ever normal really is...
 

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*I* still have a hard time wrapping my head around autism and I've been dealing with a dx for over a year now. Some days, I think it may be a misdiagnosis, even though ds is almost 4 and still not talking. I *know* it's not a misdiagnosis, but I still go back and forth on what/how to deal with it. I still take him to all therapies (or MIL does, now that I'm student teaching), I still talk to his therapists on a regular basis, I follow up at home and talk to his preschool to extend what they do.<br><br>
I think ASD is just a hard thing to 'get'. There are SO many variables. It's different for everyone and that's what makes it hard. For other diseases, like asthma or diabetes, things/treatments are pretty standard. For ASD, it never presents the same way twice and that makes it hard.
 

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I doubt any of our husbands are asses <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> It's just a general fact of life. We deal with them the most, we undertsand them the most. I'm sure my DH could handle DS if I was gone. He'd just have a better understanding of what I go through every day.
 

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Ryansmom, I do not think your husband is an "ass". I think that perhaps he needs to get educated better on the finer points of Autism, and learn to stop assuming the child is "normal" and just being defiant, when he is not. Not accepting the diagnosis does not make one an "ass". But he will be much better off when he accepts that his son is not "normal". That he will never be normal and although it is a "loss" of sorts, that his son can still be a joy to his life.<br><br>
I have to lock my fridge and a couple of cupboards. If I do not, my son will eat everything. I mean, everything. His medication has a side effect that he sometimes cannot readily control his eating. The good news is that he does not get upset most of the time over the fridge being locked. It is like he is relieved that we are helping him control himself. The good effects of the medication outweigh the side effect. We waited a couple of years before trying meds.<br><br>
I also have to have a lock at the top of the front door that DS cannot reach. Otherwise, we will find him down the street. My son is verbal, but he is also "busy" and into everything. We liken him to a toddler in behavior, and childproof as best we can, accordingly.<br><br>
I had a hard time with my son's diagnosis. I still cry sometimes. If it were not for his fabulous teacher, I would have been really lost. I cannot tell you how I have blamed myself, like what did I do, eat or whatever when I was pregnant that could have caused this. Also, unkind people making snide remarks about DS sometimes devastate me. See my post, "I am sick of it?"<br><br>
I DO understand.<br><br>
You have probably heard this story before, but it might help your husband. There are many variations of this story, so it might be a bit different than others have told or heard it:<br><br>
"You plan a trip to Italy. You read all about it, look at pics and dream about it. You immerse yourself in Italian travel books, eat Italian food, etc. You get on the plane. Somehow, the plane lands in France. France is a great place to visit, but it is not what you expected or wanted. However, you eventually accept the unplanned destination, and have a good time anyhow."<br><br>
Perhaps you can get DH to visit the doctor or therapist who can explain better how it all "works". Perhaps then he would have an easier time of it.
 

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I don't think we think your dh is an ass. He sounds, quite frankly, like a normal dh to me. At one of ds's evals, the evaluator pulled me aside and said it's quite common for husbands to be the way we are all talking about here, because she coulds see I was visibly frustrated. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Men handle things differently and process them differently, for the most part. And like mamaclukey said, we are the ones who are with them the most, so of course we understand more.<br><br>
He's not an ass. He's normal. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 
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