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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've been noticing little comments in other posts about books or speakers or articles about gentle discipline that some of your partners have read that got through to them. DH and I are butting heads lately about discipline and I need back up!<br><br>
I own How to talk... and it's such a quick read I thought it might be a good choice but even I found their 'self helpie' style a little annoying. Some guy should write a Gentle Discipline Guide for Tough Guys. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> That's such a good idea I might post it in the Dads forum.....
 

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We also 'butt heads'. The Baby Book by Sears, is the only book I've gotten him to even read parts of. It definitely got him to think about what he wants to be as afather. But when he's frustrated or really tired he reverts to threats of spanking, and just being mean. He has a really hard time getting the " you need to obey me!! " mindset to go away. I hope some other Mom's have some advice for both of us...
 

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I have read and read and read, and our Chapters/Indigo bill proves it.<br><br>
Dh went to one Barbara Colorosso lecture six years and two babies ago.<br><br>
It sounds silly, but that one lecture at least put a ***** in the armor. He is more receptive to gentle discipline ideas than he was before. It is hard, but I think of it as a journey and let him find his own way. One lecture is better than nothing, and one chapter of "How to Talk..." is better than nothing. Discussing articles in the newspaper works, too. When Margaret Wente praised the Church of God folks for spanking, we had a pretty good debate. We didn't actually agree, but we aired our views and got an appreciation for each other's points.<br><br>
I will add to this the information that dh is both intelligent and kind. While he still has a fairly authoritarian view of parenting, he would never hit a child, or scare or berate a child. I am never concerned that he will hurt our children, either physically or emotionally.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Our disagreements are mostly about levels of permissiveness not spanking. My dh thinks I am way too permissive and discuss things with ds too much, give too many choices, etc. He thinks it should be my way or the highway all the time. Like the other day I said I didn't get milk because ds didn't want to go to the store. DH says, "Why would it matter if he wanted to go?" Well, it matters because I don't want to drag a crying three year old to the store and back just to prove who's the boss. And besides he hadn't had lunch yet so it was partly my fault he didn't want to go. But dh doesn't think that way. Once I point it out to him he's inclined to agree but it's not his first thought. If ds is acting up dh'll get frustrated with him. I have to point out the obvious reason like it's after his bedtime, he didn't get a nap or whatever. DS is so good natured it drives me crazy that dh would jump to the conclusion that he was being unreasonable.<br><br>
Anyway, now I'm venting. Sorry. I'm going to suggest How to talk... tonight - just so he can understand how I do things, I'm not saying I'm right and he's wrong. I'll let you know how it goes.
 

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Liz, my own dh sounds just like yours in this regard.<br><br>
- He thinks I'm too permissive. He's right, I am in specific situations. I cave to dd's whining very quickly, for example. But I'm not permissive across the board.<br><br>
- He thinks the kids should obey without question. He thinks they're getting away with something if I, like your example, don't run an errand because one of them is grouchy and out of sorts. He thinks they should drop what they're doing when it's time to clean up the toys. He won't bother with giving them a minute to wrap up the game.<br><br>
- He also believes spanking occasionally is a good thing. He's not one of those weirdos who based their whole parenting program on spanking, though. And since I told him I no longer spank, he doesn't either, for the most part. He swatted 4 y.o. ds on the behind last night when ds resolutely said "No!" after I told him to pick up his pile of toys.<br><br>
So have I brought my doubting husband around to gd? Not really. I'd dearly love for him to take the same parenting class I took a while ago, based on Jane Nelsen's "Positive Discipline". I'd think he'd have a renewed respect for gentle parenting. I <i>am</i> too permissive, and I'm not a good example of the middle, more effective way to parent. Between authoritarian and permissive parenting.
 

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This is an interesting question. DH and I had an argument the other day on the topic of discipline - he thinks that I'm way too soft and I think he's way too strict. One comment that really got to him was when I said, "you know, I bet that you haven't spent 5 minutes really thinking about discipline and how to do it. You just do exactly the same things your parents do, the ones that you complain about how intensely strict they were. I've spent months, maybe years, researching discipline methods, talking to other moms, attending lectures...I've put an enormous amount of thought into it and it is through this process that I've arrived at my discipline methods."<br><br>
He could not argue with that one. It really got him thinking.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

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Lovebeads, you make a excellent point. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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We've had that discussion, too. (BTW I hope no one thinks dh approves of spanking, he doesn't. However, he is perhaps more liberal about letting other parents choose their own style of parenting. IMO spanking is a euphemism for assault.)<br><br>
It has definitely helped to leave dh alone with the children for extended periods of time. He rediscovers what makes the kids tick, and he understands why I do some of the things I do. It might look soft to an outsider, but to a person who knows a particular child, it just makes sense. Does your dh really want to spend an entire evening fighting with a child about wearing pajamas to bed instead of the next day's clothing? He might think you're too permissive, but when faced with the same problem himself, see who decides to begin to pick his battles.<br><br>
Liz- I saw a poster today for a Barbara Colorrosso (I can never remember the spelling ) talk in the GTA for a November date. I will post soon when I have the ticket details.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
DH does spend a fair amount of time on weekends with ds alone. However it's seldom in normal circumstances where one might need to discipline. They spend a lot of time together at my in laws farm so it's all tractors and motorcycles and incredibly fun stuff. DS is always perfectly behaved. I get a lot of the "he never does that with me" comments if I tell him about a problem I'm having. But it's not like he has a different discipline policy than me because he never has to do any disciplining! As far as I can see he has no policy.<br><br>
I gave him "How to talk..." two nights ago and to my knowledge he hasn't looked at it. I just want him to see what my policies are so we can talk about what he thinks I should be doing differently since it's obvious he thinks I should do things differently.<br><br>
Honestly, I don't think Barbara Colorosso would get through to him. He has a knee jerk reaction to outsiders telling him what to do. OOOHHH I just had a great idea (really just now!). DH's chiropractor is totally AP and he respects her completely. She's been on sabbatical for a year so he's been away from her influence. I bet I wouldn't be having these problems if she was around. Time for an appointment, honey!
 

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My dh threatens spanking, and I've openly told Josef, in front of dh, don't worry I won't let Daddy spank you. I think dh uses the threat as manipulation to let Josef know he means business, he also knows there's no way I'd let him get away with it actually happening. Which makes me wonder why do I let him get away with talking as if it were a possibility? I think there's a new rule in this house as of now. No threats of spanking! Be creative enough the have a 'threat' you're willing to carry through on. hmmmm why did it take me this long to figure that out?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I was having a conversation with my dh in my head this morning. He's out of town. I was thinking about how parenting is really teaching. Then a voice slipped into my head, the classic abusive parent tirade that luckily I only know from movies, "I'll teach you to do that again!" or "He's got to learn to do what I ask!" Well, if your kid does something you don't like then it's up to the parent to teach him what you would like him to do. Punishing doesn't teach him anything except that you didn't like what he just did. If he does it again then, yes, he's got to learn so you've got to teach him again and use a different tack because he didn't get it last time.<br><br>
Just had to get that down somewhere.
 

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My dh sounds exactly like that. We've spent the last 6 yrs. fighting about discipline and we're just getting to the point where we are on a united front. I'm not really sure how he came around. Maybe he realized how "good" our kids are compared to others around us, and figured out that was a direct result of gentle discipline, who knows? He has seen first hand that spanking doesnt work, although he still threatens it when he's tired and frustrated<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">: Also, at times when he's disciplining and i disagree I usually pull him aside and say something like: I know your a good father and I trust you to follow your heart and do what's best for our kids. Somehow a statement like that centers him and gets him out of "angry mode", and reminds him to use his heart and not his hand. He's not perfect by any mean, but he's come a long way.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 
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