How important is attraction?

Were you physically attracted to him at one point or never? I have found that over time, the physical nuttiness goes away, you don't go crazy over the things you once found really sexy, but that the attraction is still there. I've been with dh for 8 years now, and though the sex drive we had the first years is definitely gone, I do still from time to time think "wow he has a great butt" or whatever.

Of course the more you get to know someone, his faults etc... the less sexy they become in a way, but then again, then I think also as you get to know someone better, you become more attracted to his personality and other attributes, so it kind of balances out.

There are also definitely lulls and sometimes it can last weeks or months, like right now I'm kind of pissed off with dh, so the attraction wanes, but it always comes back.

hubby and I have been together 4 years but I have known him all my life...I have always had an "attraction" to him and he really really really turns me on physically...I mean really I can't imagine that will ever really fade. Of course my libido could change and that might make a difference but still...I think I will always be attracted to him considering I always have been.

The crazy passion in the beginning has settled quite a bit..but what has increased is the connection...I think it's the connection I have with him fuels the attraction. We have a great day and feel real close to him and it's like "want you bad now"

I have been physically attracted to men where it has changed and mainly it was because the connection was lost and it never came back or we never had it...you can't maintain a relationship on attraction alone.

I totally agree with the pp's last statments. I have had quite a few very good looking boyfriends, they were so hot, I was so excited to be seen with them in public. Then after a few months they began to look uglier and uglier, until I wasn't attracted to them anymore. They looked exactly the same as they did when I met them, I just lost the connection we had at the beginning.

When I first saw a picture of my DH (we met over the net) I thought he was hot. We talked on the computer, then every night on the phone. I thought his voice was sexy and I loved his personality, I also thought his picture was cute. When I met him in person, it was a little different. I am not sure if anyone knows what BCGs are but they are military issued glasses that are given in besic training. They call them Birth Control Glasses, they are so ugly. He had lost a contact and didn't have any extras. He had also put on a little weight, but he had told me that already. So, it wasn't lust at first sight but the moment I held his hand... well lets just say I wanted to take him to the car and ravage him. Just from holding his hand. We didn't even kiss for a few hours after that.

As time went on we both gained some weight, we let our looks go because we were so comfortable. We also lost the butterflies and the sparks when your eyes meet. Those feelings were replaced by comfort, love, respect, and a million other things that I can't even describe.

After 4 years of marriage I don't get all tingly when he holds my hand, or when he kisses me on the lips. But he can turn me on rather quickly if a little effort is made.

So, long post even longer I think the sparks, butterflies and lustful attraction is replaced with things so much stronger.

P.S. I guess I should say this is just my experience. My stepmom claims that my dad is just as hot today as he was the day she met him. She is always commenting on how cute is butt is, saying how hot he is, etc. They have been married for 20+ years. My mom hasn't managed to stay with the same guy for longer than 7 years, she was married twice, two kids per marriages. She has now been with her boyfriend for 7 years. Every relationship is just so different.

Its funny to see this here today, because just this morning, I was getting dressed and having just realized that Ive lost five pounds somehow, decided to wear some clothes that I havent fit into in awhile and was seriously thinking ahead to the end of the day when I would see dh (he is up and gone to work before Im out of bed) you know, just like youre dating, would he notice? Would he like it? Would it give him ideas? And then I thought, wow, how nice that after three years, I still CARE, I still get dressed in the mornings with the thought of attracting him. Does that make sense?

Yeah, every other guy Ive been with, Ive lost that connection, I think its because we still have the emotional connection maybe? I mean, we've never lost the attraction. Sometimes it gets pushed to the back burner, day to day stuff, kids, exhaustion, but its THERE and sometimes it takes very little to ignite it.

Id say to me its very important because Im a very physical, sensual person and I dont know what Id be tempted/driven to do if it wasnt there. But then that may be just me.

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That about sums it up for me.. only we have been together for 7 years. Of course in the beginning I would be dying just driving to his house....like already turned on before even seeing him... butterflies when we touched like I thought I was going to faint and all that...

Now, like the above quote, it has settled a lot... but all it takes is a wee bit of effort and he still turns me on a whole lot...

Also, he is a musician, but doesn't play out so much anymore, but when he does...mmmmmmmmmmmm something about seeing him on stage is kind of like looking at him for the first time and that really gets me going... :LOL

...but on a daily basis though, it is very comfortable...but I love it that way... we are closer than I have ever been to anyone...and it makes those times when we are *sizzling" or whatever even more special...

Hope that helps!!

I think if the feelings you get when you first fall in love with someone stayed for the duration of a marriage, no one would get anything done .

In all seriousness though, after 12 years (6 of marriage) dh still makes me weak in the knees, but it's different. I still look at him and get butterflies in my stomach at times, but not all the time. And sometimes it's different things that get me... like when he's spent 45minutes with our toddler convincing him that it's bedtime. But sometimes it's still that raw, powerful, holy crap he's just beautiful feeling. And yes, it's important to me.

I'm comfortable with him, but I'm also still attracted to him. Like a giggling high school girl sometimes. I don't think it would still be that way if we didn't make sure that took care of each other, though. I think the key is the work that it takes to make sure that the other person's needs are met (outside of physical attraction), and to make sure that you take time to enjoy each other's bodies outside of sex. Just hand holding etc to stay connected, or to reconnect. That's what works for us, anyhow.

I've been asking myself this a lot lately. I don't have much attraction for my DH. Let me qualify that -- he is attractive, sex with him is pleasurable, but I don't feel a desire for him. I'm not sure how much I ever did. We've been together for over 11 years (married for 4) and he is a wonderful man, my best friend, a great father, a fabulous companion, but I generally think of us as two really great friends who live together and have sex sometimes.

I think movies (and music and books) do confuse us as to what is possible, but in some ways just because they emphasize conflict and drama. A movie about people who get along well and enjoy each other and have pleasant lives is not very interesting. Is it because that wouldn't be interesting in real life? I don't know. I think I'm the kind of person who needs some drama in her life, who needs some weak knees.

I'm in a place right now where the alternatives are not preferable, so I'm working on making what I have what I want. We'll see.

I have to chime in here! this is my second marriage

My first marriage we got married young, I was initially attracted to him but then woke up one morning shortly after my 22nd b-day and said to myself what on earth am I doing with this person!! and yes we had kids :LOL

So in the end we split then I met my new DH and I truly do think it was love at first sight.. our attraction was pretty instant and seems to be rather long lasting.. It is a totally different experience compared to last time, I find we dont actually have to *work* at issues.. they come easily to us, we very rarely argue and ya he still turns me on in a large way. I guess I could say when we kiss its very electric! :LOL this is after 5 years as well.

I am glad I found my soulmate this time around! it makes a giant difference in how your perceive your relationship I think.. JMO

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yes possible! and possibly if you are not comfortable with yourself, then you have not found the right man yet? However if you think he's a great guy, and the sex is still good, then I'd say stick with it. There are definitely highs and lows. When I was pregnant the first time I had no libido and I got depressed thinking "ah this his how people stop having sex in marriage". It scared me.

But it passed, and my libido came back, it had nothing to do with dh, just that I was pregnant and the hormones were playing tricks on me. I think in a long term relationship/marriage you have to think of the whole package. It's not enough to just be physically attracted, you have to think if this person suits the type of life you want to lead.

For me I was adamant about not having kids with a man who was going to flake out on me. I wanted someone emotionally stable, comfortable with himself, not macho, etc... I also wanted someone who could be honest enough with himself to stick through hard times, and not want a divorce at every disagreement.

So that's who I found! And whenever I get angry at him or don't feel attracted to him, I try to remember what an amazing guy he really is. Manly but sensitive, strong but gentle, a fabulous dad, a good lover, and most of all, he loves me unconditionally, never cares if my hair is short or long, blonde or brown, if I weigh 10 pounds more of less, and when I am stuck in a rut thinking of his faults, I remember that he puts up with all of mine....

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So much of what you said is so true to me. We have been having some minor issues lately but after a big blowout yesterday we "made up" (coughcough GiO cough) And I really think once you get all the mundane irritating crap out of your eyes and you can see that man with the sexy body infront of you, but he's riding a pink stick horse in the front yard with your 3 yr dd :LOL (you gotta be a man to do THAT in front of all the neighbors) you see how much your lives have changed, the passion is still there, it's sometimes hard to get to it. But when you do WOW! But having kids changes a lot about your lives, and you have to take care of yourselves too...I don't know what I'm getting too...I think I'm just glad my dh admitted he needs help finally.