[lurve]

so i am sitting here realizing that i might not have reproduced with the best man to be a father. i guess i just want to find out if my expectations are too high. i have been a stay at home mom since DD was born 27 months ago. Before that I was in the workforce for 12 years as a reporter and lawyer. my hubby is a lawyer but his job is not that strenuous...so some examples of why i think my husband isn't pulling his parental weight

* he has never, ever changed a diaper
* he has never woken up at night to help (and my daughter is a crappy sleeper! plus he was on short term disability for almost a year of her life and still never woke up at night)
*he has never, ever watched her alone. he just doesn't want to
* he comes home and i have to tell him to interact with her. then he does for a few minutes and then disappears. i find him on the couch reading or watching tv
* he doesn't wake up in the morning to spend time with us. he normally gets up at 8 am and we get up at 7am. he doesn't use this time to spend time with his daughter
* this past sunday he declared he was tired and didn't get off the couch from 4pm on
*he sleeps in every weekend even though i try to wake him

when i do tell him i want him more involved he says that he is the one with the job. and then he pulls that trump card - well i can always go back to work and put DD into daycare. uch, this just sounds bad writing it! this isn't healthy is it?! so what does your spouse do to help with the kids? or is this normal?

 

[russsk]

Um, that doesn't sound normal. Or fair. Baby's waking so I don't have much time, but you work plenty hard, even if you don't make money. It's not fair of him to play that card, so don't buy it.

 

[mommariffic]

I always complain that my husband could do more - lately he's been better, I think now that she's older and can do more, he feels he can "parent her better.."

To be honest, I am still resentful 99% of the time, but hey.

But to never change a diaper? I'd shoot him, seriously. Or after my daughter pooped I'd chuck it at him, turds and all. And it's pretty lame he's never spent time alone with her either!

You should sit him down and say you need a break, and he's going to have to step it up, or you're going to need counseling or something. That's totally not fair, and for him to act like that is disgusting. You have a 24 hour job, and you don't get "time off.." You need to sit on your butt too sometimes, and he should be getting up at LEAST once a week with her.

 

[Ofwait]

Umm.. well I wouldn't say that my husband is that involved, but he is way more involved than that. He has never really gotten up with them, but that is more because the kids showed their preference for mommy and nursing rather than he didn't want to. If my husband got up with the kids we found that it tended to que them off as time to play rather than time to sleep, so it works better to just let him sleep.

It sounds to me like he is depressed, or struggling with other issues, is this a possibilty?

 

[russsk]

Ok, more time now. Here's how it works in our house (I currently work from home 6 hours per day, though that will change soon).

DH gets home, and immediately takes over parenting duties so I can finish dinner without a lo on my leg. DH gives DS his bath after dinner, and they do nakey butt and story time before bed while I clean up a bit and veg on the couch for 10 minutes. I nurse DS down while DH veges. Sometimes DS wants his dad, so DH will take over and put the baby down. First waking is DH's job (we have a crappy sleeper, too). DS goes to sleep in his room, and we bring him into ours when he wakes. That's DH's job - I don't get out of bed for anything! I typically soothe DS during the night, because I have boobs.

On the weekends, we share. I get up with the baby one morning, DH the other. Although DH is still nervous taking DS out alone, they sometimes do quick errands without me, as well as walks with the dogs.

Although we have our hiccups - DH recently called me in a panic telling me I had to get back NOW when I was out with some relatives because he couldn't calm DS - we split things pretty well when we are together. If I have a really bad day, DH will make an effort to come home a little earlier, or will pick up sandwiches so I don't have to worry about dinner. It didn't start out like this, though. DH used to come home and say that he needed some down time after working all day and would veg out on the couch. That did not work for me at all, and he slowly came to realize that I don't get ANY down time so he needed to step it up. And he did.

 

[ktarsha]

I don't think your expectations are too high, and I agree with mommariffic, you need some "time off" as well.

My husband works out of the home, and he has always been involved with our son. Granted, he no longer changes diapers or gets up during the night, but when he gets home in the evening, he spends time playing trains or reading or having Sam "help" him work on projects, and occasionally on weekends he'll take him out of the house or keep him while I go out for a little while.

 

[russsk]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommariffic But to never change a diaper? I'd shoot him, seriously. Or after my daughter pooped I'd chuck it at him, turds and all. And it's pretty lame he's never spent time alone with her either! You should sit him down and say you need a break, and he's going to have to step it up, or you're going to need counseling or something. That's totally not fair, and for him to act like that is disgusting. You have a 24 hour job, and you don't get "time off.." You need to sit on your butt too sometimes, and he should be getting up at LEAST once a week with her.

This.

Why are the diapers your job when he's home? Who made that rule?? You may be the only parent when he's at the office, but when he's home you should be on equal footing. The "I'm the one who works" line is complete BS - because you know what? If you went to work and put your kid in daycare, you would still be left with the diapers and everything else nights and weekends.

DH gets up an hour before to start his 2-hour commute to work, so mornings are mine. That is fair. When he's not working, though, mornings are just as much his responsibility as mine.

Sorry, but this kind of stuff really ticks me off.

 

[tootaloo78]

When our oldest was small DH mainly took over when the baby was fussy and I got overwhelmed. The older our son got the more time they spent together, they are inseparable now (he's 3). we seem to be following the same pattern with our younger son, but I don't mind too much because I know he will be more involved as the baby grows. He says little babies scare him.

Your DH's lack of interest would really bug me though, you would think that he would want to spend time with her. I would try asking him about it when there's no confrontation taking place, explain that you are concerned about his lack of interest more than how much he helps and see what he tells you.

 

[limabean]

I think it's so sad when parents see their kids as an obligation. I'd be horrified if my DH acted that way.

 

[MommyofHero]

you know, men can experience post partum depression-- not just women. was your DH seem this disinterested during your pregnancy, or before? the kind of behavior you describe is not healthy. my DH longs to spend time with our baby and is always eager to help care for her (change her diaper, bathe her, get up at night w/ her, etc) because he WANTS to experience everything about having a daughter, as is pretty normal for a new father. it really sounds like your DH is seriously depressed and needs help.

 

[cocobean]

I'm very lucky I have a great husband who helps me whenever he can. I won't lie and say that it's always been easy but we make it work. In the begining it was hard because when he got home we were both tired from working all day so who should be the one responsible to do the diapers, feeding etc? We talked about it and we both just do what we can. My husband respects me and wants to help me just like I want to help him. To me it sounds like your husband doesn't appreciate or respect you. He should want to help you not because it's always the best job but because you're a team and a team works together to get a job done. I don't know how you are able to get up every day without any help. I struggle with this and my husband is a godsend!

 

[Harmony08]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lurve so i am sitting here realizing that i might not have reproduced with the best man to be a father. i guess i just want to find out if my expectations are too high. i have been a stay at home mom since DD was born 27 months ago. Before that I was in the workforce for 12 years as a reporter and lawyer. my hubby is a lawyer but his job is not that strenuous...so some examples of why i think my husband isn't pulling his parental weight * he has never, ever changed a diaper * he has never woken up at night to help (and my daughter is a crappy sleeper! plus he was on short term disability for almost a year of her life and still never woke up at night) *he has never, ever watched her alone. he just doesn't want to * he comes home and i have to tell him to interact with her. then he does for a few minutes and then disappears. i find him on the couch reading or watching tv * he doesn't wake up in the morning to spend time with us. he normally gets up at 8 am and we get up at 7am. he doesn't use this time to spend time with his daughter * this past sunday he declared he was tired and didn't get off the couch from 4pm on *he sleeps in every weekend even though i try to wake him when i do tell him i want him more involved he says that he is the one with the job. and then he pulls that trump card - well i can always go back to work and put DD into daycare. uch, this just sounds bad writing it! this isn't healthy is it?! so what does your spouse do to help with the kids? or is this normal?

1. DH changed all the diapers in the hospital and the majority of them for the first couple of weeks. He still changes him in the evening when he is home.
2. DH has slept in the guestroom with the pack and play, on the wood floor next to the bouncy chair, on the couch by the swing...all because he has cared for the baby ALL night while I slept, bringing him to me only to nurse and then taking him away. He has also repeatedly gotten up with DS at 4:30 or 5:00 in the morning to let me get some sleep.
3. There have been a handful of times that I want to get out or run to the store and he tells me to go, the baby will be just fine with him. The other day they went out alone together for a little. DH was really excited about it. It left me alone in the apt for 10 minutes and I didn't know what to do with myself.
4. When he comes home he immediately comes to see us. Sometimes he will work out a little bit but will always scrap it if I need him. Usually, he wants to hold DS right away and they play while I fix dinner.
5. When he can, he hangs out with us in the morning. He has been going to bed really late recently because of work so I try not to wake him up.
6. Sunday is our day for family. We do things together all day long.
7. Like I said I am usually trying not to wake him. I do wish he would take the baby again sometime soon so I could sleep in.

Not only does he not play "the trump card" but when I am feeling upset he thanks me for taking such good care of DS and being "the best mom in the world". Daycare is not even an idea around here. It sounds like your DH may be using it as a kind of threat. I hate to say all of that stuff about my DH knowing what you are going through but I honestly wanted to help you in your quest for "normal".

 

[the_lissa]

My husband takes 4 months parental leave. He changes the majority of diapers when he is home. He says my job is input. His is output.

After he goes back to work, he is absolutely involved with the kids and the housework when he is home.

Honestly, if that was my partner, I would get a job, put my kid in day care, and leave.

 

[Honey693]

This sounds like my husband except he has never pulled the I work card with me.

:

 

[pixiekisses]

I would never, ever put up with that.
It would be a clear message to get his act together and take the kid at least 50% of the time when he is home or get out of my house. I'm not interested in having another baby in my house, I'm interested in having an equal partner.
Kids are not mom's responsibility, they are the parent's resposibility, I mean what is he, the sperm donor? He is clearly not a dad.
He needs to step up right away. That is not normal behaviour.
My dear picks the kids up from daycare on his way home from work (the ones that are there), then the kids are "his" for the rest of the day/evening, he wants to be with them then and play and hang out, because he is at work all day and have missed them. One of us makes dinner though, either alone or with some/all of the kids, if it's just some then the other one has the rest, if it's all then we are all in the kitchen together having a good time and cooking together.
We give each other small breaks when we signal to the other one that we need it. (Even if it's just a long bathroom brake with a book.

)
He's changed thousands of diapers of course.
Weekends in this house is "holy", that's family time. We're usually together all of us as a family, hang out, do fun stuff in or out of the house, hang with friends and family etc. Sometimes we split up because of the ages of the kids, or the SN-part, but we still both have kids with us whatever we're doing. And we take turns getting up with the kids in the morning in the weekends, in the weekdays we both get up. At night, if someone wakes, we take turns getting up.
We also give each other free time, both of us gets to do something every week that is just fun/something we eant to do alone/with other friends if we want too. We try to do it after the kids bedtime, but if that can't be then that's how it is. We both work out twice a week too, usually in the mornings though.
We split the house work too of course.
He gives me heaps of credit for doing the most important job in the world, being the best mom ever. And vice verca.
And of course we both take them out alone! All of them at the same time too. (Or hangs with them alone when the other one is out, I mentioned that already.)
That's more normal hon, that's how all our friends do it too.

 

[babynatasha]

I guess I am a lucky one too. Feel bad posting it, but you said you wanted to get an idea of if "this is normal". My DH and I share the work load 50/50. For the first 3 days of DD life, he changed all the diapers while I was on bed rest. Really made him active from day 1. He feeds her, changes her, dresses, bathes, soothes, picks her up from daycare and watches her all day, when I go out without them. DD is 18mos and DH started this trend from the getgo.

Its kinda funny, we were discussing stuff the other day and I said to DH: I guess in some ways it was good he never had a father figure in his life. Because it was better to have no role model than a bad one. Some men see how their fathers acted and model themselves after their fathers. Right from the start DH got to be whatever type of father he wanted. He had no model for behaviour so had no problem doing all the things I did or that he wanted to do.

Sounds like you work very hard, sorry its not more fair

 

[Chloe'sMama]

That really sounds outrageous.
My dh plays with DD from the moment he gets home until she goes to bed.

I don't know if it is because we had infertility problems and we had to wait 3 long years to have her, but he says she is the best thing to ever happen to him.

I agree with PP about getting out of there (even if just to remind him about how lucky he is to have the two of you).

I am sorry and I hope things get better.

 

[Porcelain Interior]

Well I can see why he's not doing anything, you do it all!

And since you are asking I think you sort of think it's ok?

The thing is *some* men do not take initiative with little ones, they just don't.

You have to ask and talk about what you need and want.

If I were you I'd start having other things to do on his days off for a while.

My husband didn't really change any diapers, he worked a lot and one time when he did watch our 1 year old I came home and found her naked, him shirtless and poop everywhere. It was a sight, and I said what's going on? and he said she just pooped and it got on me, and the floor and everywhere and I don't know!?

I had it all cleaned up in two seconds. That let me know he wasn't getting enough practice.

I mean would you changed diapers if someone else did it everytime and never said a peep about that?

I wouldn't.

 

[plantmama]

I mean it's "normal" for your dh I guess.
Though dh and I have some equality issues because he works for pay and I don't, he is a very involved parent.
He needs to be told to change diapers and sometimes asks for help

And I do the majority of the night time parenting, he sleeps through it and it's more annoying to wake him up.
BUT, when he's home he does 80% of the interacting with the kids. When ds was your dd's age dh took him to the park, hikes, etc and stayed home with him when i wanted alone time.
Dh would love to be the SAH parent and much of the time I wish this was the case and I worked outside the home.

My logic about all this is, we both work full time when he's gone and when he's home we share the parenting and household responsibilities. Honestly, most of the time his job is a lot less physical work than mine and is a lot less stressful.

 

[PNWmama]

What you explained reminds me so much of how my own father was when I was a child. Not only did he not help out with parenting, but he was totally uninvolved in my life. I seriously can only remember one instance from my childhood where I did something special with him (we went to the children's museum). This has majorly affected my life. So your husband's lack of involvement in parenting and interest in spending time with his daughter could really be affecting her. It makes me wonder like a couple other pp's said if he may be depressed. My dad was very depressed all throughout my childhood and didn't get help until I was grown and out of the house and by that time it was basically too late. It's sad