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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I went to the Dr. yesterday and had a blood count. It said what I allready knew, but just apparently needed someone official-looking to tell me out-loud for it to be 'real.'<br><br>
I never knew it would be so upsetting to have a miscarriage at 11-12 weeks. I don't know what I thought.<br><br>
Just before I got pregnant, I had a dream that I was pregnant with a little boy named Elijah. Then, the night before I went in for my blood draw, I dreamed about Elijah- that he was born, but he was 'not right' and so sad looking, hooked up to everything in the hospitial, obviously ready to pass on. The dream gave me some peace- like this (the miscarriage) was the better way, for everyone! That he got to pass away in the nice comfy womb and not in a hospitial like that.<br><br>
My DH was gone out of state the whole time I was miscarrying. He just kept saying not to worry and I was fine. I knew I wasn't, but it is a hard thing to convince someone who is so far away. Now he is home, and I don't think he knows what to say to me. I wish he would baby me more. I am still bleeding some and having cramps, but I am still the one doing the dishwasher and everything.<br><br>
BIL came over today and I told him (he brought the pregnancy up) and he actually said, "well, eat right!" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/yikes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="EEK!"> Um, like a person who sees me twice a year would have any idea what I eat anyway?! (Which is 95% good, BTW.)<br><br>
I do think- what if it is my fault... the time we had sex and it hurt, the dental x-rays before I knew, how I didn't try the progesterone cream because I didn't want to try to change what was meant to be, the day DD jumped on my tummy...<br><br>
I think of how my family is now missing one person. We are not all together, even when we are.<br><br>
I think of how I bacially flushed him down the tolite.<br><br>
I want to do something to remember him by, but I don't know what.<br><br>
I wonder if this will happen again.<br><br>
I think I will be okay, then something will happen and I will start crying all over again. I know I am SO blessed, with DD and DS and DH... but why did this have to happen?<br><br>
I wish I would have taken more time to be in the pregnancy. I was so busy with DC and getting ready to move...<br><br>
I am just rambling... I just didn't feel eloquant enough yet for the 'celebrate a life' thread and wanted to get it all out.
 

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I'm sorry for your loss Faith. I haven't posted in the 'celebrate a life' thread yet either. I haven't wanted to post about my miscarriage in this forum at all. I think I've been holding in a lot of my feelings on it. I did some major sobbing 5 days ago though, and I think that really helped.<br><br>
This was my second first trimester loss. The first time, I put something in a fig tree. The fig tree is now with extended family in Oregon. This time, I put all of the chunky stuff in a potted hortensia. Some day I'll have a place to plant the hortensia, but for now, she'll stay in the pot. Maybe you could dedicate a tree to Elijah. Someone else on this forum said she has given a name and sex to her miscarriages. I think I had a girl, but I haven't come up with a name yet for her.<br><br>
Even though it is hard not to, you cannot blame yourself for this. Sometimes it just isn't meant to be.<br><br>
Sorry, but I don't have much to offer you.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> - Madrone
 

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oh faith. i'm sorry. it sucks to get that confirmation. we held out hope right up until that call. even though i knew the baby was probably gone, it still hurt to hear it from a doctor.<br>
i have no words of wisdom. but i can hold your hand.<br>
madrone, i didn't know you lost your baby as well. you have my sympathies.
 

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Faith, I think our dreams have a lot of meaning. Yours certainly did for you <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">.<br><br>
You know it's not you're 'fault' in any way that you lost this child. But, it's only normal to search for an answer. We tend to look inward when we're in such a dark place. None of thoes things could 'cause' a miscarriage. Unfortunately, we rarely find a reason for a miscarriage. That leaves us wondering and searcing.<br><br>
I hope you'll find some peace soon.
 

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Faith, I know how you are feeling. I miscarried on Thursday, it was 12 weeks to the day. I don't think I'll ever hold on to that 12 week magic in future pregnancies.<br><br>
I caught my tiny little baby and buried it all in the garden today. I made a pretty space on top with a candle, flowers and some special stones. I am going to visit and light the candle when I need to. That process helped me so much, and I feel like having that space to go to and bring more flowers or whatever feels right will really help me heal. You could do something like that too, you don't have to have something under the soil to make a special place to dedicate to your babe and visit.<br><br>
I'm sending hugs and healing vibes to all of you. This is really hard. I can't express how much it helps me to have a place like this to come to. I hope it helps all of you just as much.
 

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adventuregirl, what a beautiful way to remember your precious baby. I know your baby feels the deep love you'll always have for him/her.<br><br>
It's very healthy to make memorials for thoes we love. I think this is especially important for the children we've lost before birth. We have so little memories of them.<br><br>
Wishing you all healing.
 

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I'm just so sorry for the pain and and sadness that you are feeling right now, Faith.<br><br>
The month of September is so hard for me, as I had my first and most traumatic loss in this month, and it hurts my heart that anyone else has to mourn during this month. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I'm so sorry.<br><br>
I hope that you can do something that will commemerate your precious baby. Something will hopefully come to you. I'm also glad that you were able to see Elijah, even for a brief moment. I can hear in your words how much you love him.<br><br>
Please take care of yourself. I think that even if we have ten children, it doesn't matter, a loss is still a loss, and it hurts. It's all right to let it hurt.<br><br>
I'm sorry your BIL said that too. You didn't deserve to have to hear that. People can be so tactless sometimes. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
Like Ms. Mom said, most of the time we just won't ever know what caused a loss. And it's hard to be left searching and wondering, but please don't blame yourself. The love and care you had for him is so evident in your words.<br><br>
I wish you peace, and healing.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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Adventuregirl, what a beautiful memorial. I hope that having a tangible place to go to helps with your healing.<br><br>
Madrone, I'm sorry for your loss. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
To all of you ladies, my wish is for healing and strength to get through this dark and sad time. Peace and love to you all.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug">
 

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Im so sorry you lost your baby boy. I too lost a child this month when I wouldve been 12.5 weeks. Please know that it wasnt your fault and that you couldnt have changed things.<br><br>
I think you are very fortunate you had that dream about Elijah, I dreamt of my daughter a lot throughout my miscarriage process and those dreams really helped me. I am really happy that I had that "time" (even in a dream) with her.<br><br>
Please be easy with yourself and take as much time as you need to grieve. I will be thinking about you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thank you so much, all of you!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"><br><br>
You have all been so comforting for me! Really, my DH and IRL friends have no clue what to say to me at all. So coming here and getting this support is exactly what I needed.<br><br><br>
I just want to let you all know that we are moving cross country, almost as I type this! (I should realy be out helping poor DH pack right now!) So, I will probably not around for a while... but it is for a good reason, not because I am off being depressed and alone.<br><br>
Everything you all said was beautiful, and I wil print out this thread and take it with me to read when I need it.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/heartbeat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="heartbeat">
 

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Best of luck in your move, Faith. I hope the new beginning with your place of living will help you to appreciate the new beginning you have with your body.
 
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