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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So when DH got this job we were thrilled for him to have a "normal 5-day-a-week schedule".
Well, here we are, a year later, and guess what? He's working every frigging Saturday for overtime.

"It's just a short day," he says. To which I reply that 5 hours is NOT short, especially when you are the one who has to spend it waking up and taking care of 2 children singlehandedly yet *again*. Not to mention frantically making lists of all the stuff around the house and errands to be run that somehow have to be crammed into half of Saturday and whatever of Sunday the stores are open, leaving zero time for any outings, trips to the park, barbecues, sleeping in or relaxing time as a family.

Not to mention having a husband who is involved in the day-to-day running of the family so little that he has no clue about half the thngs that even *need* to be done.
:

And no, I don't blame DH's boss. This overtime is completely voluntary. I'm pissed because despite discussing that it might happen and we needed to avoid it, when our income went up slightly with this job our expenses somehow magically went up too (and went up with each of several small raises) so now we "need" overtime every month to be getting by. Gee, honey, you think your $2 sodas and $5 smokes everyday and your insistence that we NEED convenience food once a paycheck could be accounting for that wee bit of the budget?
:
 

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I'm with you... it's amazing how as the income goes up the "necessities" change to accomodate the extra money... there's NEVER enough it seems.

I agreed to my dh taking this contract in Virginia with the idea that he would be home EVERY weekend (and most weeks on Thursday night, so we'd have a 3-day weekend) and I think he's been home maybe twice a month for the past five months... and only once for three days
Yeah... and we wonder why the backyard looks like a white trash haven.... aargh!!

Sorry.... I digress...

Can you sit him down and make a real BUDGET?? With realistic amounts for pocket money (to cover the cigs and cokes, etc.) and when the pocket money is gone, it's GONE... no more. And you can budget for savings... even if it's $10 a week... it's still going to add up, kwim?

Either that or put him on an allowance LOLOL.. yeah, that would fly, I know...
Sorry... trying to get you to laugh....

Lo
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Actually, we are both supposed to have "allowances" for extra stuff. $20 per month. That's supposed to be it for each of us (yes, things are that tight).

While I have to rigorously justify buying just about anything even remotely frivolous and without using my allowance for it, and even put my allowance this month towards a new baby sling, he's burning up money on sodas, cigs, cheezypoofs, new computer games.

When was the last time he used his allowance on anything for the house or anything for the kids? Oh yeah, that's right -- never.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by girlndocs
Actually, we are both supposed to have "allowances" for extra stuff. $20 per month. That's supposed to be it for each of us (yes, things are that tight).

While I have to rigorously justify buying just about anything even remotely frivolous and without using my allowance for it, and even put my allowance this month towards a new baby sling, he's burning up money on sodas, cigs, cheezypoofs, new computer games.

When was the last time he used his allowance on anything for the house or anything for the kids? Oh yeah, that's right -- never.

And he's still breathing??


You are WAY more patient than I could ever be!!!

So, he just blows the budget?? Do you think it's one of those "I work hard and deserve these little luxuries" kind of things for him? If so, would he actually hear you if you sat him down and SHOWED him in black and white numbers what his "little luxuries" do to your budget and how it affects you? I ask because I know many people just can't *hear* it... but, seriously, it seems like he's literally working an extra day EVERY week *just* to buy cigs and coke... If that were me, I'd say NO THANKS!!!

Hugs to you... you are having to put up with a lot of crap right now.

Lo
 

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Yep, cut him off. Smokers are selfish. Not only is he taking money away from his family to feed his habit, he's taking away time to earn more money!

Add up all the times he's gone over his $20 limit, and add $10 for every hour of voluntary overtime, and use that amount of money to buy yourself whatever you want - necessities, luxuries, whatever. I only suggest it be something for which your dh has no use at all. Then explain to him that you just wanted to buy yourself a treat and it's OK, you can afford it, he'll just need to go without cigs for awhile.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I *am* going to have to do something like that, because a couple times he's decided to quit, didn't make any allowances in the budget for his cigs that paycheck ... and then didn't quit, so we ended up being short on something.


Oh, and the lawnmower is busted and needs a new part, and our lawn (in our rented house) is a foot high 'cause we can't mow it, and supposedly there's no money for the new part, but, well ... yeah. You get the picture.

And I totally get that he's addicted and can't just quit whenever. I get that. But his addiction is harming our family, as Greaseball points out, and he hasn't gotten any help, and I wouldn't put up with that for an alcoholic and I'm not going to put up with it for a smoker.

Can't believe it took me posting about it here to really make me see how screwed up the whole situation is
:

ETA: Problem is, he gets some of his overtime in cash in his hand ... and he also can get a cash advance on his paycheck about any time he asks ... so we might end up being short even if he has no debit card!
 

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The addiction thing sounds like an excuse to some extent - it's not only the smokes you mentioned. If he bought only those as his luxury and skipped the junk food and such, the financial strain would be a lot less.

I went through this with my ex. He spent his paycheque on cigarettees, pot, junk food, coffee (buying single coffees at gas stations and convenience stores, because it "took too long" to make at home), etc., etc., etc. My paycheque (larger than his, as I worked full-time, and he didn't) went 100% on household necessities. I used to consider buying myself new underwear to be a luxury. The only genuine luxury I allowed myself was dinner with my best friend about every 6 weeks...about $15.00 a shot.

Anyway...got rambling (I do that a lot!). I wish I had some useful advice for you, but all I can do is wish you luck dealing with this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Well, you know what, I'm pissed now.

I *do* consider new underwear for myself a luxury. I'm due to have Aunt Flo in the
ing middle of our cross-country vacation to conservative inlaws' next month and all I have to catch it are old rags; I could really use a Keeper, but he's been whining about the $40. I feel like I have to wheedle to not get slammed over spending money on my, like, 2 cosmetic products a month. I've left crazy good deals on kitchenware that would hold up for a lifetime at thrift stores and yardsales because "we really don't have the money for it, hon." I take flak for almost anything I want to spend money on that wasn't his idea or doesn't seem exciting to him.

I asked him about why we need the overtime so bad and he said it was my $65 twice a month for my counseling I just started.
: That and the $80/month payment HE negotiated to get his student loans out of delinquency. Which they would have dropped even lower if he hadn't jumped at that number, since they initially started out insisting they couldn't possibly accept less than $250/month


But he's somehow magically producing money for smokes and sodas? And shopping around for a $25 computer game he can't live without?


How could I have let things get to this point? It's freaking ridiculous.
 

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girlndocs-
That really stinks that you are doing without, while he is smoking and eating away his overtime! I also can't believe he threw your counciling in you face. That is really rotten.I don't think that couciling should even be considered in teh same category as cigarettes and junk food! I asm sorry that you are having such a rough time. Maybe stop getting thing that he needs or doing errands that he "doesn't have time for" because of his overtime will help him to understand how you need him to be around and be responsible for his spending. I hope you can work things out.
 

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Oh, yeah, another thought. My husband, at times, has NO IDEA how much things cost.

Example: I bought DH, per his request, a metal strainer for beer making. It was 30 dollars for the cheapest one. But unless I had told him, he would have guessed it cost like 5 bucks, and he'd still be telling me how much his homebrew hobby is saving us in beer costs.

My grandma has had the same problem, or some variation of it, for the last half century. She said that since he retired and started doing some of the household shopping, he kind of woke up to the idea that some of his habits WERE quite expensive compared to the actual needs of the household.

She says she wishes she'd sent him grocery shopping about 40 years ago. :LOL

And I agree, comparing counseling to soda and junkfood ought to earn him a smack upside the head. Not that I believe in violence.
:
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by girlndocs
I'm due to have Aunt Flo in the
ing middle of our cross-country vacation to conservative inlaws' next month and all I have to catch it are old rags; I could really use a Keeper, but he's been whining about the $40. .

This really touched me. You are being denied basic care for your body--the body that (I am assuming) carried and birthed his children--while he is buying cigarettes and soda and games??? That is not right.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Well, to be fair, I've always been happy with my soft old rags and told him so. It's just that I don't see how to manage with them on a cross-country flight, and staying at his aunt's house.

ETA: But I hear you.
 

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my chefie husband now works 7 days a week- no overtime- he gets up at 5:15 and is there by 6. this was a trade off so he wouldn't have to work nights, but if he could negotiate with his boss, it wouldn't be this bad. But he sucks at negotiating. We went through it with cigs, too, only we both smoked. Real budget numbers inspired me to quit. We relapse and cheat every now and then. He has been on a smoking jag a couple months now. I had to take away all his money to help with the budget and quitting. His boss knows who's in charge of the money and gives his paycheck to me- it started as a joke. But I told his boss (who also has been quitting smoking and relapsing since he had kids, so he understands) that if DH couldn't quit smoking, in part b/c of the smokers there, that I would make him quit working there. Now they all have to smoke outside, which was the law here anyway. Can you talk to DH's boss, and ask for all pay in checks? Unrealistic and rude, but might work. I let DH have no money. None. This started when finances were in the red, and somehow it became normal to us. I hate to quote the ty, but Dr. Phil says everyone has their currency. Try to find your dh's. If I took my dh's cigs, he would just bum them. but if I deleted his online chess games, he would know I meant business.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by girlndocs

I asked him about why we need the overtime so bad and he said it was my $65 twice a month for my counseling I just started.
:
That's low. REALLY low. I'm sorry but what a
jerk.

Mabye you should take one of your docs, girlndocs and plant it squre in the center of his forehead. (metaphorically speaking, that is. :LOL)

I'm usually not this grouchy, but he is way outta line here, and it's so messed up.
 

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I feel your pain, believe me I feel your pain. I've tried to tell my husband that he and I are living in different socioeconomic classes. He swears that his real spending is all on gas and unless I want him to quit his job he has to spend that much. He spends $550 every two weeks, he commutes 50 miles each way in a 2000 mini-van. I don't think it's just gas. In the meantime I can go three months without using the dishwasher 'cause I can't find enough money in the household budget for detergent. Arrrgh! And he tells me I'm bad at math.
I'm personally this close to letting him have the whole budget minus whatever he sends me in child support, but I've got a lot of issues beyond the budget bugging me.

Good luck mama.

Thanks,
Crystal
 
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