[That Is Nice]

How long does it take you to get over a fight with your spouse or partner?

I don't get over things easily, I guess.

If we have a fight or a disagreement, and DH calls me names or says other hurtful things, it plays on my mind for days...maybe a week. I don't like it. And it takes quite a while to heal. And to forgive (or forget).

But the day after a fight, DH will come home from work and be like "Hey! What did you guys do today?" as though he didn't call me those names or say anything hurtful.

I have a hard time transitioning to being a happy and cheerful person as though nothing happened. I can either put the hurt aside and fake it, or I can tell him I am still upset, as which point he always gets mad, storms out of the room or tells me I'm too sensitive or calls me the same names he called me the night before (usually the B word, or sometimes the C or the W word).

I dread having to talk to him at all. I wish I weren't so sensitive about things, but it does take me a while to forgive and forget.

 

[Sailor]

You are NOT "sensitive." Your reactions is totally normal. That type of name calling is unacceptable. If it continued, after having a serious talk with him, I'd be packing up and leaving.

Meaning, I would never "get over" such a fight.

I'm really sorry you have to go through that.

Personally, we don't really fight. We have disagreements. But, if we're angry, we take a walk, and then come back later to talk about it with one another. And we talk for however long it takes to resolve the issue to mutual satisfaction.

Perhaps your dh could go for some counseling on anger management. I mean, if these name calling outbursts are in anger ... it's a matter of building self control.

 

[Kaitnbugsmom]

we don't really fight. Seriously. Used to be because we both internalized a lot. Okay way... way too much, but now it's because we have worked our tails off at improving our communications skills and are more apt to just lay it out in a lawyer-worthy manner when we are upset about something.

Of course we haven't even disagreed about much other than IU vs. OSU in a year and change, but once we are out of the Army I make no such promises. Probably back to IHOP vs Waffle House and Lee Child vs. Tom Clancy, with the occasional Toshiba vs. Acer thrown in.

 

[DreamsInDigital]

I could never get over my DH saying mean and hurtful things to me. Whenever we disagree, no matter how heated it might get we are always respectful of each other. My DH has never called me a name, no matter what we might disagree about.

 

[Thao]

I agree with the other posts. You are NOT to sensitive. He can come home and be cheerful because he was not called demeaning names. So why shouldn't he be cheerful? You, on the other hand, were called demeaning and disrespectful names. Why should you just forget it?

My dh used to do this sort of thing too -- no name-calling, to be honest I would have left if there were any name-calling -- but just generally ignoring my feelings, getting mad at misunderstandings and not believing me when I tried to explain, etc. Then he'd get over it and I couldn't. And I used to feel like you, as though I was the problem because I couldn't get over it like him. Then I realized, DUH, I was the one who was violated, not him. He had nothing to get over. I was the one left struggling to get over his bad treatment, but without an apology from him, and with the certainty that it was going to happen again. and again. and again. how could I get over it????? I don't think any sane, healthy person can just "get over" mistreatment like that.

I finally drew a line in the sand and was seriously ready to leave if his behavior didn't change. It's been a slow process but he is SOOOOOOOO much better than he used to be. I know he loves me because he is trying to change to keep me. Things are still rough sometimes but I'm hopeful we'll make it.

The good news is, once he really started changing and rebuilding trust, I have found that I can get over the arguments we have now pretty easily. I feel really mad at the time, and maybe scared that things are going back to the way they used to be, but then after a day or two I can forget it. Because I know he is really trying and he does respect me. Before I didn't know that, and so I couldn't get over our arguments.

 

[sacredmama]

These days it takes me about a day to completely release the stress in my body. I feel like I get pretty uptight when we have disagreements. It probably takes a whole day because I need to leave and go calm down a few times before there is a conclusion. I wouldn't call it a fight, though. We fought once and agreed to not do that again. I was in an abusive relationship before this one and I'm determined to not go there again (luckily my DH would never treat me the way my ex did). One thing that helps me is asking for a hug at the end, it's like a letting go and a reconnection at the same time.

 

[Mama Dragon]

When DH and I fight, it's pretty intense, we argue, but never name call. Sometimes name call actions, like "what you did was really jerky" but never name calling. It tends to get loud too

But we're over it by that evening.

If name calling was in the mix? I'd live in a homeless shelter and eat dirt before putting myself through that again. Name calling is childish and demeaning and only done to deliver a direct, hurtful blow to the other person and has no place in a marriage. I tolerate a lot - too much I think - but not emotional or physical abuse.

 

[Sharlla]

Pretty much immediately. We don't really fight that often and even then I wouldn't even call it a fight, more like a heated debate. Nothing to have hard feelings over really.

 

[sophi4ka]

Quote:

Originally Posted by That Is Nice How long does it take you to get over a fight with your spouse or partner? I don't get over things easily, I guess. If we have a fight or a disagreement, and DH calls me names or says other hurtful things, it plays on my mind for days...maybe a week. I don't like it. And it takes quite a while to heal. And to forgive (or forget). But the day after a fight, DH will come home from work and be like "Hey! What did you guys do today?" as though he didn't call me those names or say anything hurtful. I have a hard time transitioning to being a happy and cheerful person as though nothing happened. I can either put the hurt aside and fake it, or I can tell him I am still upset, as which point he always gets mad, storms out of the room or tells me I'm too sensitive or calls me the same names he called me the night before (usually the B word, or sometimes the C or the W word). I dread having to talk to him at all. I wish I weren't so sensitive about things, but it does take me a while to forgive and forget.

Thats so funny, cause me and DH are just the opposite of you guys. I can be super upset, have a huge fight and next day be completely back on track, like nothing happened. But him, he will be upset on me forever. Moreover, her remember all our previous fights, all the little details of who said what and can be upset on something that happened a year ago! To me, it is so weird, cause I forget those things immediately

In fact, we had a big fight on Sunday evening, and I was back to normal on Monday morning. Really, like nothing happend. I don't know why am I like this, but I just cannot hold the "upsetnes" feeling for long. So today is Tuesday evening and he is still upset and looks like it will take few more days

: That is SO annoying to me.

So really, I understand your DH

I am, like going cheerful around the house, trying to be nice and pretend that nothing happend, and he dreads talking to me and is upset. And this happens every single time we fight

 

[Sharlla]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sophi4ka So today is Tuesday evening and he is still upset and looks like it will take few more days : That is SO annoying to me. So really, I understand your DH I am, like going cheerful around the house, trying to be nice and pretend that nothing happend, and he dreads talking to me and is upset. And this happens every single time we fight

yeah, I couldn't deal with that, to me it almost seems abusive. My stepfather was like that, when he got pissed he would stew for days and everyone had to walk on egg shells.

 

[Purple*Lotus]

Name calling is bad

It leaves a mark on you somehow. I can't describe it. My DH does not call me names, ever, however, I have been called names by my parents, so I figure it is probably about the same. I work with abused women and a lot of times they tell me that the emotional abuse is way harder to get over than the physical abuse. Slap someone, it hurts, but the pain does not linger for days like the emotional and verbal abuse can. That can last a lifetime.

I am not suggesting that your DH is abusive to you, I was just trying to explain how I see name calling to hurt someone.

If DH and I argue it is usually over in minutes. We don't argue too much, and I don't know whether it is because we just get along really well or if it is because I work 70 hours a week

It would be hard for me to snap back in to happy mode if he called me a name, though

 

[StephandOwen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DreamsInDigital I could never get over my DH saying mean and hurtful things to me. Whenever we disagree, no matter how heated it might get we are always respectful of each other. My DH has never called me a name, no matter what we might disagree about.

This. DP and I have had disagreements, but never any name calling. Name calling I wouldn't forgive (or forget). I would be concentrating on packing up and getting the heck out of here.

 

[Mosaic]

I'm sorry for being so blunt since I don't know you at all, but I really, really, REALLY don't think you're being too sensitive about fights with a man who treats you like trash and respects you even less. You have posted numerous times on the boards about your unhappy, unhealthy, unsafe relationship and home situation; so I know that you are an intelligent, strong woman who knows what she deserves in life and knows she's not getting it.

You know what you need to do and you have already decided to do it, so maybe instead of asking questions you already know the answer to, you could tap the wise women of MDC to help you remedy your current situation. You don't need to put up with this.

 

[Mom2Boy&Girl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by heather8 I'm sorry for being so blunt since I don't know you at all, but I really, really, REALLY don't think you're being too sensitive about fights with a man who treats you like trash and respects you even less. You have posted numerous times on the boards about your unhappy, unhealthy, unsafe relationship and home situation; so I know that you are an intelligent, strong woman who knows what she deserves in life and knows she's not getting it.

Ditto this. From the posts on these boards, I appreciate how intelligent and strong you are. You deserve so much better than what you have.

FWIW, name calling is never okay. And if you're "too sensitive" that it takes a week for you to get over it, then you'd have to say I'm a drama queen because I'd pack up my kids and myself and get the hell out of dodge when I could.

I really hope you find your way soon. Everyone is entitled to respect and kindness in their marriage.

 

[Katwoman]

In answer to your question, I get over a fight when I feel like I've been:

a) heard, really heard about what's on my mind. (Which is different than having my DH agree with me or placating my position.)

b) my feelings having been respected. (If my DH was mean or derogatory I wouldn't be able to "get over it" until I was able to ascertain that he understand how that made me feel and was at least sorry he hurt my feeling. Again, different than having to agree with me. Any person doesn't have to agree that the statement was rude, simply that it hurt my feelings.)

c) I've been able to say everything on my mind without feeling like I was a burden to my DH. (I talk way to much on most occasions. When I'm upset I need to say it even if DH has heard it a million times or just once. I also think this is different than being heard. But probably connected some how.....)

If these things occur, I can feel better - and thus "get over it" - pretty quickly. If I don't have these things I can be hurt and upset for quite a while. (hours/a few days) If DH acts like I have no right to be hurt, that just fuels the situation and drags it out.

 

[rhubarbarin]

ThatIsNice,

I've read a few of your posts and I'm going to be direct.

It seems like you are in a marriage where you don't love or respect your husband. And with his emotionally abusive behavior (yes, it's certainly abusive to scream at someone, to insult their appearence, to call them a c*** or w****), it seems like he has no love or respect for you either.

Why are you remaining in this relationship? Are there any real reasons, besides that you've been together a long time? Does he bring you any happiness whatsoever? You deserve so much better. And believe me, you can find it!

The tone of all your posts is just so bland and matter-of-fact. But personally I think the way your husband treats you is a BIG DEAL. No one should be treated like you are, apparently on a day to day basis. And it scares me that you are so neutral about it. If my BF called me a w**** even once I would be furious, issuing ultimatums, considering intensive counseling if we were to stay together.. if it happened again I would leave.

 

[eden/averymum]

I try to minimize that kind of stuff too. my husband hasn't called me names, but he's said and done some very hurtful things. I don't stay mad log at all. I can't tolerate the hostility and negativity, I just want my home to be peaceful and calm. not the my actions are achieving my goal at all.

to answer your question I usually let stuff go within 24 hours.

 

[That Is Nice]

Quote:

Originally Posted by rhubarbarin Why are you remaining in this relationship? Are there any real reasons, besides that you've been together a long time? Does he bring you any happiness whatsoever? You deserve so much better. And believe me, you can find it! If my BF called me a w**** even once I would be furious, issuing ultimatums, considering intensive counseling if we were to stay together.. if it happened again I would leave.

Without trying to sound trite, I guess the reason I am still in the relationship at this point is because it's complicated. (I am considering more and more how to end the marriage).

The reasons are basically:

We have a young child. Obviously, with my husband's behavior, I don't fully trust him and I don't want to separate and divorce and have to share custody. This would mean that DH would be with our child alone. Now, I don't think DH would harm our child in any way, but I don't really want them unsupervised for days at a time, especially when our child is young and can not talk to tell me what they did. So, I'd be much more comfortable ending the marriage and sharing custody when my little one is fully verbal. Does that make sense?

Also, my little one is borderline special needs. We are undergoing testing and evaluations. I don't know if I can be a single parent at the moment until things are a little more settled.

DH has said if I file for divorce, he'll make it as difficult as possible for me.

Finally, I have no job and no support system. I am a SAHM currently. I need to get a job to support myself and my child before I can think about divorce. I have no support system. My parents are not involved in my life much, and they have a long history of addiction and many other issues. They've always relied on me for stability and financial help, not the other way around.

So, there you have it. That's why it's a bit complicated. But I'm working on figuring it out. I have a few things going for me...I have a college degree, I'm certified and have years of experience in a professional field, I used to make good money, I've got great references...I just need to find the right kind of job and then start figuring out how to make the leap.

 

[That Is Nice]

Quote:

Originally Posted by rhubarbarin The tone of all your posts is just so bland and matter-of-fact. But personally I think the way your husband treats you is a BIG DEAL. No one should be treated like you are, apparently on a day to day basis. And it scares me that you are so neutral about it. If my BF called me a w**** even once I would be furious, issuing ultimatums, considering intensive counseling if we were to stay together.. if it happened again I would leave.

Well, I guess maybe the posts are bland and matter-of-fact. I don't know. I guess I don't want to sound irrational, or overly emotional, or something. I am trying to think about this as clearly as I can muster. It is so hard, though. It is very draining and demoralizing. I may sound bland, but I'm pretty upset, and I wouldn't post seeking help and support if I wasn't truly upset. Yes, I think it is a big deal. A very, very big deal. I wouldn't consider ending my marriage if it weren't a big deal. And it's not like it's a fluke, or he's just done this a few times. It is a pattern and his behavior has been consistent for several years now.

 

[That Is Nice]

Quote:

Originally Posted by rhubarbarin It seems like you are in a marriage where you don't love or respect your husband.

Oh, absolutely. How on earth can I love and respect him when he acts this way? How could anyone, really?

I am not a perfect wife. I am an imperfect person. But I am a good person. And nothing I do justifies his behavior or use of words. Someone else had a good point about this. I'll go back and see if I can find it and respond to that next.

But, I don't think if I showed my husband more love and respect that he'd change his behavior. That's not really the problem (as I see it anyway).