[alicewyf]

Okay, here's the situation: I have in-laws who are generally nice people, but I don't like them much. We are completely opposite in many ways (political, religious, philosophical), and I know we will never be close friends. I am completely fine with this.

I pretty much view my obligation to spend time with them as confined to family birthdays/anniversaries/holidays, and any other special event that happens. I end up seeing them at least every other month, if not more sometimes.

When my husband wants to go see them, he goes and I do not complain, even if it means I spend most of my weekend alone (they live in the same city as us (though kind of far away), so he is home at night when he goes to see them). I think I have kept him from seeing them one time, but that was when I was sick. I never would keep him from seeing them for any other reason unless it was an emergency.

Here's my problem: They want to know me really well and be best friends with me. I have absolutely no interest in doing this. I know it would require me to lie or purposefully omit things about myself, and refuse to do that to accommodate their fairy-tale view of how our relationship should be. They want to spend lots of time with myself and my husband as a couple. One time they cited what they did as newlyweds (seeing their ILs every week for Sunday dinner) as their ideal situation.

There is NO WAY I would be able to deal with lying about myself on a regular basis like that. I also don't like the obligatory nature of a scheduled meeting like that.

My family is completely different and no-pressure. My mom has been known to say stuff like, "I want you to be happy, do what you want." She would be upset if we didn't see her for a while, but she would not blame us for it. She is so low-pressure it is not even funny, and as a result that makes me want to see her more because she just lets me be who I am and see her on my own terms. She is content to love without expecting anything in return, and that is how I view my relationships with people as well.

Now my in-laws are attacking my husband. The last time he was over there they blamed HIM for the fact that they don't know me well. His dad yelled at him and told him to get out of their house. This makes me really angry, not least because his parents have not called me of their own volition ONCE to get to know me better. They are the ones who want this, but they expect to not have to put in any effort.

Now I am terrified for our child coming in July. I do not believe in forcing children to see people they do not want to see or go places they do not want to go just to make other people feel good. If my child doesn't want to see my DH's parents (which is likely because they are just...the way they are) I am not going to force them to go. I am so scared to tell my DH's parents I am pregnant. I feel like the entire situation will get worse.

Everyone I have talked to thinks that my ILs are being psychotic and pathologically possessive of me and my DH. I guess I just need some more validation, or maybe some alternate opinions. I do not understand where they are coming from at all. Joe and I chose to live here to be close to our families, but to me that doesn't mean close as in seeing them every week. I don't even see my own mother every week, and I like her more than anyone else in the world.

I just don't understand these people, and their recent behavior is making me not even want to try.

 

[plunky]

Quote:

Originally Posted by alicewyf Here's my problem: They want to know me really well and be best friends with me. I have absolutely no interest in doing this. I know it would require me to lie or purposefully omit things about myself, and refuse to do that to accommodate their fairy-tale view of how our relationship should be. They want to spend lots of time with myself and my husband as a couple. One time they cited what they did as newlyweds (seeing their ILs every week for Sunday dinner) as their ideal situation. There is NO WAY I would be able to deal with lying about myself on a regular basis like that. I also don't like the obligatory nature of a scheduled meeting like that.

Why do you feel like you have to lie? Maybe it's time they see you completely, warts and all.

 

[IdahoMom]

Honestly, if I was in their shoes, I'd totally know you were avoiding being together and I'd feel put off. Unless the well-being or safety of your family is an issue, I think you could maybe put differences aside and make an effort. It sounds like you've just decided you don't like them and you have no use for them.

What is it that you so badly need to hide? I don't mean to come off as snarky. . . but if there are big parts of you that you feel you can't put aside for a couple of hours a week, maybe you shouldn't be hiding them. If they judge you for it and don't want to spend so much time with you after that, you're getting what you want anyway, right?

I say all of this because I have in-laws that I don't necessarily get along with all the time. Some I do, others it's really a struggle. It hasn't been easy, but over the last several years I've found it more and more important to look for the things we do have in common, and build on that. This is my husband's family. He loves them. I would be devastated if he refused to have any part of my family, who I love dearly.

We don't agree on a lot of things; generally we just don't talk about those things. There are a lot of other topics we can discuss, you know?

I'm not saying it's always easy or peachy. I can't say I'm always excited about going to family functions. But I can honestly say that usually I go and end up enjoying myself, and if I don't, oh well. . . it was a short part of my day, and it made my sweetheart happy. He's not always crazy about my family's things either, but he goes and usually enjoys himself and it makes me happy.

 

[earthmama369]

I wouldn't hide or lie about anything. Will they want to spend as much time with you if they realize you don't have a lot in common?

 

[philomom]

I had in your face in-laws too. Move far away. Really, it works wonders. I only see them once or twice a year and everyone stays on their best behavior. No problem.

 

[DeerMother]

I can't stand my fil, mil drives me nuts but is a nice person.
I agree that there is no reason you need to lie about who you are, your dh is probably on the same page as you about many of these things and they can't be oblivious to everything.
Secondly, children have a lot of fun with their grandparents, and it would not be the nicest thing in the world for you to get in the way of that. Maybe you could schedule the time with ils and dh to be the time you get out of the house. My dh is not crazy about my parents, so we go over there on Sundays, and it is his private football alone time. He does not get in the way of the children's relationship with my parents. I am working on being positive in front of my children when it comes to fil. I need to let them make their own decisions about their grandfather. And if your ils really are annoying and terrible as you say, then your child will make his/her own decision, but let it be their decision, not yours.
I think it would be fair to say that many people would not have picked their ils if given the chance, but to some extent you have to just suck it up for the sake of your husband. (And if anyone wants to tell my dh that, that'd be great.

)

 

[IdahoMom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by esaesa being positive in front of my children when it comes to fil. I need to let them make their own decisions about their grandfather. And if your ils really are annoying and terrible as you say, then your child will make his/her own decision, but let it be their decision, not yours.

This is such wise, wonderful advice.

 

[alicewyf]

The things I feel I have to lie about are not things I'm ashamed of, but things they wouldn't understand.

1. I am a socialist.
2. I am a pagan.
3. I plan to raise my children pagan, and my husband is fine with that.
4. I plan to homeschool.
5. I plan to give birth in a birth center with a midwife.
6. I believe in attachment parenting.

I am either 100% sure my ILs don't agree with some of these things (because we've discussed them, like the child raising/ birth issues...before I was pregnant and it was all hypothetical) or I am 99% sure they will not understand/think I'm weird/evil because of my political or religious beliefs. I also think it is none of their business, but they are pretty nosy.

 

[pumpkin]

There is a difference between lying about yourself and steering the conversation in polite directions.

When my relatives, IL or not, bring the subject towards a topic that might get sticky, I answer as briefly as possible and try to change the subject.
"Yes, I was very happy with the outcome of the election". "Did you notice this restaurant has a sardine sandwich on the menu? Isn't that bizarre?"

I don't feel like I'm lying and I avoid a potential argument.
Mostly I have to use this technique with my parents, I can actually have a real conversation with the ILs.

 

[GuildJenn]

Quote:

Originally Posted by IdahoMom I'm not saying it's always easy or peachy. I can't say I'm always excited about going to family functions. But I can honestly say that usually I go and end up enjoying myself, and if I don't, oh well. . . it was a short part of my day, and it made my sweetheart happy. He's not always crazy about my family's things either, but he goes and usually enjoys himself and it makes me happy.

I agree with IdahoMom's whole post. It sounds to me like you are struggling with the feeling of obligation. But to my mind, family is an obligation - not without boundaries or if there are terrible violations, no. But yes, they are an obligation. My experience is that if you meet people about halfway, after a year or so, they get more flexible quite often.

I'm not sure I would agree to every week (although a 2-3 hr dinner doesn't sound psychotic to me as request) but I would set up a regular, short visit that they can depend on and accommodate that. I'd go for once a month. Breakfast can be nice, depending, because it leaves the rest of the day free. And the location should alternate so you don't always have to do the travelling, especially once the baby's here.

If they are, say, insulting you or something then that's different. But if it's just that you don't want to be their friends - you don't have to be. You can spend time with people who are not your friends. I wouldn't hide stuff either.
Your main contribution is showing up.

One thing stood out to me - you assumed your child would have the same feelings as you. Actually I don't think that's all that likely. I have a very fraught relationship with my parents for a variety of reasons, but the love between them and my son is beautiful - to him, they're just his grandparents, you know?

 

[NYCVeg]

Quote:

Originally Posted by alicewyf The things I feel I have to lie about are not things I'm ashamed of, but things they wouldn't understand. 1. I am a socialist. 2. I am a pagan. 3. I plan to raise my children pagan, and my husband is fine with that. 4. I plan to homeschool. 5. I plan to give birth in a birth center with a midwife. 6. I believe in attachment parenting. I am either 100% sure my ILs don't agree with some of these things (because we've discussed them, like the child raising/ birth issues...before I was pregnant and it was all hypothetical) or I am 99% sure they will not understand/think I'm weird/evil because of my political or religious beliefs. I also think it is none of their business, but they are pretty nosy.

I think maybe it's time to start treating your in-laws like adults--don't "protect" them for your beliefs. Just be who you are, and if it makes them uncomfortable, they can either live with their discomfort or choose to see their son alone.

Here are things about me that my in-laws disagree with:
1. I gave birth in a birth center with a midwife
2. I'm a vegetarian
3. We have a TV-free household (this is a HUGE issue for them)
4. I am against circumcision (we're Jewish, so this is a huge cultural deal--HUGE)
5. I am against CIO
6. We don't vaccinate
7. We avoid character toys and clothing
8. We moved to a different state for career reasons (this is incomprehensible to them--all of their friends' kids moved back to their home area)
9. I encouraged dh to pursue the career he really loves, instead of the one that makes a ton of money
10. Dd is an only child, and we're keeping it that way. Period.
11. We co-slept
12. We try to reduce consumerism in our household

My ILs and I are VERY, VERY different people, as the above list suggests. We disagree on many fundamental values. But, you know what? We get along just fine. Aside from occasional comments, they don't interfere with our parenting decisions and we find plenty of things to talk about. They don't understand my choices. Who cares? It's not their job to agree with me. Would I ever have a relationship with my ILs if they were not my husband's parents? Probably not. But they are, and I respect that, despite the fact that I have made very different choices, they are loving parents who raised a kick-ass son.

ETA: Dd loves her grandparents like you wouldn't believe. When they come to visit, she literally squeals with delight. To me, it's far better to nurture her relationship with people who love her (and won't be around forever) than to avoid my ILs simply because we are different.

 

[GuildJenn]

Just brainstorming:

1. This is pretty easy to slide around: "How interesting, could you pass the bean dip?" This bean dip thing is something that is really useful once you're a parent. You listen to their view, say something meaningless, and move on.

2. Same thing unless there is some event you need to attend/not attend.

3. This won't be an issue before the children can talk, unless there are questions about a baptism. In both cases your husband should take the lead in speaking to them about any concerns.

4. Not an issue for at least 4+ years. Just nod.

5. If asked you and your husband can comment together. I hate to tell you, but they will find out when they go to order flowers.

6. I've never "told" anyone that I attachment parent. I just say "oh yes, I am breastfeeding." "Oh yes, I'm STILL breastfeeding." "Nope, we sleep all together... why yes it does work for us." Etc. There is NO NEED to have a fight about the labels.

MDC is always here when individual things come up though if you need to vent.

Quote:

Originally Posted by alicewyf The things I feel I have to lie about are not things I'm ashamed of, but things they wouldn't understand. 1. I am a socialist. 2. I am a pagan. 3. I plan to raise my children pagan, and my husband is fine with that. 4. I plan to homeschool. 5. I plan to give birth in a birth center with a midwife. 6. I believe in attachment parenting. I am either 100% sure my ILs don't agree with some of these things (because we've discussed them, like the child raising/ birth issues...before I was pregnant and it was all hypothetical) or I am 99% sure they will not understand/think I'm weird/evil because of my political or religious beliefs. I also think it is none of their business, but they are pretty nosy.

 

[Alyantavid]

My in laws have some issues but in general aren't bad people. My fil is an alcoholic and I put up with him one week a year when he comes to visit. We do small talk and that's about it. But I've also had to stand my ground with him on several issues in the past so our conversations don't go very deep anymore.

My mil lives down the road and we see her a once a week or so. She's completely crazy sometimes, but she really does have a good heart. I do think its important for kids to have a relationship with their grandparents, no matter how I feel about them. My boys love mil, and they'll figure out her quirks as they get older and they definitely don't need me projecting my feelings on mil or fil to them.

Our view is we spend time with everyone in our family that has a desire to see us and let the kids/grandparents work out their own relationship.

I'm the weirdo of my family for how we're raising our kids and I really don't care. No matter what my family or the ils think, its not their decision. FIL is livid I won't be forcing my sons to go to college "because everyone is his family did" but I don't really care, its a decision he gets to make.

 

[alicewyf]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I talked to my mom about it and she agrees that she thinks they're psycho, but I've decided to compromise and see them once a month pretty much. I will have to mark it on my calendar to keep track of it, because I refuse to have a standing engagement type of thing.

The reason I said what I did about our child's potential relationship with them is because I kind of expect my child to be similar to me emotionally, but I guess that's not always likely! My brothers and I have way more in common with our mother w/r/t our personalities. I think generally (if you have a SAHM, which I plan on being) you tend to be more similar to the parent you are around more. Plus, my mom lives closer to us than the ILs, so I am sure we will naturally see her more often with the baby than we will see the ILs. I just feel like the baby will be more like my family, but who knows! I have no problem with our kid seeing my ILs as much as they want to. So I guess I will just have to see what happens.

I also talked to a co-worker of mine today about this situation and she said it took her 6 years to really get to know her in-laws, and at least a year and a half after she and her DH got married. That made me feel better. DH and I will have only known each other for 2 years in March, so it is still early days. I feel like his parents have an unrealistic expectation about how likely it is to get to know someone in a short amount of time.

I am still concerned about what will happen once the baby comes. Since I plan on breastfeeding they won't be able to take the baby by themselves for a while. I'm sure that will p*** them off, but hopefully I am just not giving them enough credit.

 

[~Megan~]

Perhaps I don't have the full picture but really? You are upset because they want to be friendly to you?

Go over there and be yourself. If they don't like you then they will stop asking you to come over.

I don't get along with my inlaws in the way you mentioned but they are excellent grandparents. They are respectful of our ways even if they don't agree. They will tell me they don't agree but they still ask me before giving our kids snacks, they discipline the way we prefer, they keep their mouth shut about toddler nursing, etc. They love their grandkids even if they don't agree with us on politics, religion or parenting.

Some issues we just don't discuss. My mil and I are opposite about so many things but I can have a great conversation with her about cooking or crafting. She's even a good resource for parenting information. She may not have breastfed and she may have vaccinated but she's got some good ideas about potty learning and some very gentle methods to deal with tantrums.

In other words, give it a try and do your best to retain a good relationship for your child's sake. Kids are happier when they have loving extended family in their lives.

 

[IdahoMom]

A couple more things and then I'll stop harping (can you tell I've been down a similar road?)

1. You are avoiding/rejecting them because of differences in beliefs and opinions, I think because you are afraid of them doing the same to you. The problem is, if you continue down that path, you'll be teaching your child to do the same thing. Do you want to only associate with people just like you? Do you want your child to do the same? (And what if your child makes the choice to follow your husband's/in-laws' beliefs? Will you reject him? Will he reject you?) Tread carefully here.

2. If you make an effort, and reach out to them, and even SERVE them (do things for them, speak kindly to them, try to find middle ground with them), you still may never learn to like them. But there's a good chance you'll come to LOVE them, and I'll tell you, that goes a long, long way.

 

[Porcelain Interior]

I'd also stop calling them psycho.

It really isn't psycho to want to be a close knit family. I can totally see when I'm older wishing my children and their spouses would come over for dinner every Sunday.

I guess they probably have their own long founded expectations of how they thought their children would interact with them once they grew up, and then of course you have yours too and they clash.

I'd meet in the middle. They honestly sound pretty nice and I'd love to be welcomed and wanted at someone's house especially my IL's.

My MIL was a huge PITA bless her heart (she's dead now) and we didn't agree on anything so we just didn't debate. I refused to pipe up and argue. When she'd say something that was ignorant or against how I felt I'd either quietly nod or change the subject.

We have to be comfortable enough to let people be who they are without needing to change them or cause a confrontation.

I'd welcome grandparents into my children's lives that were loving and supportive.

I don't think you've listed anything too strange as reasons to avoid them- and it really seems like they want your whole family to come over, not just your husband- that is so sweet that they are that concerned about including you.

Maybe I'm just biased because we have no family, but I'd at least meet them halfway. Go to their house once a month for dinner on a Sunday night, it won't kill anyone and they will die theoretically before you and your DH leaving you with many years of peaceful bliss in the future.

Enjoy them while they are with you.

 

[greenjenny]

I have been suprised at how many times my mil has complimented me on straying from the norm. I know she loves the way my kids are and I think she attributes that to the way we do things at home. Maybe they'll suprise you-but I wouldn't hold anything back. You both deserve to have opinions-that doesn't mean you can't be together.

 

[goodygumdrops]

I'm sorry but there must be something I'm missing here because I don't think anything you described about your il's sounds psycho.

I really think it might be a good idea for you to talk to a therapist about these issues before your baby comes. I know you have the intention of being an "ap" parent but, at least for me, having a baby REALLY changes everything and it might be better for you to remain a little bit more flexibility in your parenting ideals. You may be setting yourself up for disappointment. I really feel that being ap is being sensitive to the needs of a child and sometimes it may mean that you don't co-sleep,etc.

As for your il's, I'm sure they are excited about having a grandchild. Put yourself in their shoes for a minute. This is their grandchild...and I feel that you are honestly lucky that they are so excited to want to have a relationship with you and your babe.

Finally, when that baby comes, you are going to be exhausted, touched out, no time to yourself and you just might come to appreciate having loving family members to spend some time with your babe.

I do want to relate to that strong mama bear feeling you get when your pregnant and after your baby comes. I think it must be some biological way of us protecting our little ones or something. I was really threatened by the il's when my son was first born and now that sometime has gone by, I realize that they were only trying to help and we have a good relationship now. I totally trust them with my child...

 

[a(TM)?Star]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Megan~ Perhaps I don't have the full picture but really? You are upset because they want to be friendly to you? Go over there and be yourself. If they don't like you then they will stop asking you to come over. .

I agree with this.