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<p>I had been saddened and disappointed in how much time my MIL chooses to spend with my children.  I don't feel that she has am obligation to do so, and for various reasons it may be better than she doesn't spend too much time with them.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>But the huge difference between what the amount of time I imagined she would want to spend with her grandchildren and the amount she actually does is so very great, it has me wondering if my expectations were way off base.  </p>
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<p>Growing up, I spent time with my grandparents on a regular basis.  I stayed with my grandparents who lived out of state for two weeks every summer, plus they visited on holidays.  I went over to my in-town grandparents house fairly regularly - I'm not sure I could put a number on it, but I and my brother spent the night sometimes, or just visited for the day.  My grandmother would take me out for meals and they would take me to football games with them.  They sometimes babysat (as did my great-grandmother, she was terrific!).</p>
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<p>I am wondering, how far off my expectations were from the typical amount of time that grandparents, with no restraints so far as health or finances, spends with their grandchildren.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So, my questions are:  How much time did you spend with grandparents growing up?  And how much time do your children spend with their grandparents?</p>
 

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<p>I think each family is different and that's why this tends to come up with ILs. I spent lots of time with my grandparents as a kid, weeks on end during the summer, weekends during the school year, etc. and DD spends a TON of time with my parents, but not that much with my ILs.</p>
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<p>DH has repeatedly expressed to me how weird he thinks it is that DD spends so much time with my parents. His parents love her very much and are great with her when they see her, but they don't ask to have her over that often and rarely have her spend more than one night over there. I think the last time she overnighted there was like  6 months ago. Both sets of parents live about 40 minutes away.  </p>
 

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<p>my situation is very different.</p>
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<p>i grew up far away from grandparents, so i saw them rarely, though we talked to them on holidays on the phone, and in between as we might want to. we did not visit them often and they did not visit us often.</p>
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<p>when DS was born, my parents and ILs came each week to see DS, and i would also drive up to see them (1 hr). well, my parents at least. i didn't make special arrangements to go see my ILs without DH. they did see considerably less of Hawk than my parents, for a variety of reasons. </p>
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<p>now, we live on the other side of the planet. we skype pretty much each week for about an hour. DS skypes for about 10 or 15 minutes with my ILs (tops) because they use a lot of shaming tones with him, he usually runs off to play. Example, today, my MIL said "what is on your shirt, hawk?" and hawk didn't answer, because he probably doesn't think about it. Then, FIL said --in a very shaming voice-- "WHAT is on your SHIRT, hawk?" in a sort of "answer your grandmother you ungrateful child" manner. hawk decided to go color then. </p>
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<p>with my parents, who play with him and engage him and let him come and go, get a lot more time with him than the ILs. it's really about how they relate. he can do about 45 minutes of skype with my parents, and sometimes i'll do the dishes while she skypes with them and they talk about his music (he plays harmonica and ukulele for them, and sometimes drums), and his love of cars, airplanes, helicopters, and other motor vehicles, and what he did at play group that week, and so on. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>it's not the same, of course.</p>
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<p>i would not let him stay with my ILs (pretty toxic people) overnight or even alone until he is a teen and can well handle himself against their BS. i would let him stay with my parents though. even now, if he wasn't nursing 3x er day. :)</p>
 

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<p>I spent regular time with my grandparents growing up. I saw them probably every week, plus holidays and birthdays and when we needed babysitting. But both sets also lived within walking distance of my parents' house and we were all very close.</p>
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<p>We're 20-30 minutes away from my parents and dh's mother. We cut contact with his father when our children were toddlers for safety reasons. MIL hasn't spent much time with our children. She's spent a lot with her other grandchildren. But they've all lived with her on and off and their parents have asked a lot of her. We've welcomed her and have been very clear about that, but we've only ever asked her to babysit occasionally and have never needed her help. I suspect if we had a big drama-filled life, she'd be more present. I wish she had a closer relationship with our children, but at the same time, if she's going to be an inconsistent presence in their lives, I'd rather she establish that pattern early than disappoint them later on.</p>
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<p>My parents have been consistently present on holidays and birthdays, and whenever we brought the kids down for a visit, which we do at least once a month. Usually more often. They've also babysat and have come up for surprise visits a few times when they were in the area. They were a little reserved at first and didn't offer to see the kids, but after a while we realized that they were trying not to step on our toes as we figured out the parenting thing. Once I made it really clear to them that we welcomed their presence, they got more open about putting themselves out there and asking for time with the kids. They've done some overnights and have gone on vacation with us a few times now. I really treasure our relationship with them.</p>
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<p>MY grandmothers have also been a consistent presence in our children's lives. They haven't been at all reserved about asking to see the kids. I love that my children will have memories of their great-grandmothers. They're awesome ladies.</p>
 

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<p>Growing up I saw my paternal grandparents for every birthday/cousin bday/holiday/etc. so as often as twice a month plus very occasional random visits with my parents. I saw my maternal grandma for birthdays/holidays and close to once a week when my mom took her out shopping (with us kids too). I think I only saw my paternal grandfather a couple times a year. They all lived 10-20 minutes away. They never babysat except my paternal grandparents one or two times when my parents went on a weekend vacation.</p>
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<p>My parents live 1/2 hour away see DS (and us) 2-3 times a month plus bdays/holidays... The inlaws live an hour away and see us once a month (including holidays). Neither has babysat for DS (though that's more our choice than theirs). I'm happy with the amount of time they see him -- sometimes I wish it was more & other times less so overall I guess it's all good.</p>
<p> </p>
 

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<p>5 years ago I suggested to my MIL that she comes along on our skiing holiday, we would rent a flat for her and she could pick up both grandchildren from day care/ski at noon, feed them & spend quality time with them for a few hours until an agreed time when we would come and pick them up .... was ever so desappointed when she e-mailed that she doesn't like cold ( = her way of saying "no")</p>
<p>(went on to moan to a friend when at the park, that friend was a single mom at the time finishing studying and offered herself as a substitute and it worked out very well actually, with her son going to the same morning activities as our kids, all parties got a benefit from the situation ...)</p>
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<p>I've realised now that MIL wants to have her ways only and will say no to most of my suggestions ...</p>
<p>since most of her suggestions make me feel that she treats us like pottery to move about to adorn her holidays and not like real persons ....</p>
<p>= we are rarely meeting up basically</p>
<p>good thing for saving face that we live far away basically ...</p>
<p>but it's still grating when I hear all she does with her other grand children ...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I AM desappointed too with the amount of time she sees my children</p>
<p>on the other hand I am not THAT desperate for relationship when I see some of the controling and weird behaviors that are currently "considered normal" with my ILs</p>
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<p>I supposed she 's desappointed with how little she sees her grand children ... but am not even sure of that in fact !</p>
<p>(was rather upset last year when I didn't receive a notice under any form that the kids's pictures had arrived safely etc ...)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>= am trying to make the most of the little we meet, nobody is happy ; I suspect, but that's typical of an alienating situation ... that's what I've come now to expect from that quarter in fact .... so yes, I had to change my expectactions quite a lot over the years ...</p>
<p> </p>
 

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<p>well MIL hasnt seen DD in nearly 6 months now! Didnt even come to her 1st birthday b/c she was "sick" even though she hung out with her BF and she had been on antibiotics for 7 days prior. this is all for no reason at all......nothing happened...she just apparently does not give a S**t about her. she sees her daughters son all of the time though. to boot its my DDs ONLY grandma b/c my mom died 8 years ago!</p>
 

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<p>Growing up I saw one set of grandparents weekly (Sunday for church) and saw my grandfather from the other side I want to say twice a year? He lived 8 hours away. Maybe 3-4x/year. My grandmother passed when I was an infant.</p>
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<p>My children see my parents around once/month and my husband's parents once/year. His parents moved across the country 3 years before we had kids. It was and is a sore point for him/us. I really truly wish we had grandparents who were a stronger presence in our kid's lives. I also wish we had more support in general - it's darn hard to raise kids just the two of us! I wish we had a village.</p>
 

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<p>My in-laws live about 40 minutes from us.  They take one of the two children about 3 or 4 Friday's a month all day.  DH drops them off on the way to work and then DH and whichever child is there eat dinner there and arrive home around 9 or 10pm Friday evening.  We also see them for 4 to 6 hours most Sundays though some weeks it is on Saturday instead and occasionally we don't see them on the weekend, but it is rare.  So they see their Grandchildren a lot, plus they baby sit for us as needed, though we try not to take advantage of that one, so maybe once or twice a month they babysit for a few hours.  They see DS and DD a lot! </p>
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<p>My parents live 600 miles away so they see the children less often then my in-laws I would say my Mom see them at least once every 6 weeks or so, and my Dad see them probably once every 2 to 3 months.  We travel down to visit my parents for at least a week at a minimum 3 times a year and sometimes 5 times a year, plus the occasional weekend here and there, plus them visiting us.  So we see them a lot too and they love to baby sit too, if DH comes with me for the visit, so we can go out.  I do tend to take advantage of them babysitting a bit more often then my in-laws since my parents don't see them as often.  DS has also flown down with just my Mom for 1 night before, and this summer DS and DD will probably fly down with her for 2 or 3 days before I come down with newbie.</p>
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<p>My parents and my in-laws loves spending time with the children and spend a lot of time with them, whenever they can.  They all have a good relationship with them, and my children love seeing all their Grandparents.  They also see my Grandmother about 6 to 8 times a year normally for a few hours at a time, and DH's Grandmother 2 to 3 times a year for an hour or two at a time.</p>
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<p>Edit: I forgot to mention how often I saw my Grandparents growing up.  My Dad's parents we saw semi-often they only lived 3 hours away.  We probably saw then 4 to 6 times a year, my sister and I would spend a week during the summer with them fairly frequently when we were young.  We saw them less often once we moved 18+ hours away, but still had a fairly close relationship to them and my cousins on that side.  On my Mom's side we saw my Grandparents maybe 2 times a year, they lived 12 hours away from us so it was a bit harder to see them regularly.  We knew them, but my siblings and I are definitely closer to my Dad's side of the family them my Mom's.</p>
 

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<p>We live in my dads house (though he really doesn't 'live' here anymore - he now lives next door in the cabin they just built), so we see him almost everyday if only for a few minutes. The boys tend to see my mother once a week, whether she comes down here or we go up there... I don't get along with her, so often its us droping them off at her hosue while DH & I go out. :shrug </p>
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<p>We see DH's mom much more sporadicly as she lives in columbus... she'd love to see us far more, but as its a bit of a drive, it just doesn't happen, yk? :shrug</p>
 

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<p>My grandparents lived four hours away.  We saw them once a year.</p>
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<p>My MIL lives 10 minutes away.  She sees my kids maybe once a month for a few hours.  My parents live an hour away and they see my kids once a year, at Christmas.  Once I invited my parents to my son's birthday party, and they "couldn't" (wouldn't) come because they had to pack for a vacation, which was a week later. </p>
 

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<p>We live on 200 acres with our house in one area and my ILs on another part of it.  My kids are older and actually are very helpful to their grandparents.  In turn my ILs are very helpful with my kids.  (helping with rides, taking them out to eat with them, whatever).  They see them almost every day.  My MIL was just diagnosed with breast cancer and my dh just had surgery this week.  Between the two we are all working together (meals etc) as a little village.  I know I could call them day or night and they would be here for us.  And they could do the same and we'd be there for them.  My parents live on 10 miles away.  Although a couple of weeks may go by without them seeing each other they talk on the phone 3-5 times a week?  We all spend holidays together along with my SIL and her family.  I don't have any siblings.  My dh has one sister.  There are five of the grandkids between us and the cousins are all very very close.  We don't take this for granted.  We are very very blessed.</p>
 

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<p>I rarely saw either set of grandparents growing up - they were deceased, old  and ill.  So it was quick visits in nursing homes and I was quite uncomfortable.</p>
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<p>My parents are in town (but a 30 minute drive) and see the grandkids 2-3 times a week.  My mom usually comes over once a week and then I go there usually once a week.  And then there is some other family event going on usually.  Both my parents and my sister babysit occasionally, but we don't go out much.  My mom also offers to take the toddler for the day every once in awhile - it's awesome! :)</p>
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<p>The ILs are a 3.5 hour drive away and they probably see the grandkids once every other month. </p>
 

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<p>I am going to start with the fact that my parents divorced when I was 3, which changes the dynamic. </p>
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<p>My paternal grandparents lived about 5 hours away.  I would spend about a month every summer, and either spring break or christmas break with them (my dad may or may not show).  That stopped after 5th grade when my GM died.</p>
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<p>My maternal grandparents were divorced.  My GM always lived in town, but the only time I spent the night was when my mom was in labor (and then only b/c one aunt was the midwife and the other went into labor).  I saw her only at family gatherings, which were several times a year,  She never babysat.  My GF shared the other half of our duplex until I was 6, after that I still saw him at least 2 times a month and spent the night frequently.  When he moved out of state, we saw each other once a year and talked 1-2 times a month.</p>
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<p>My ILs see my kids at least once a week unless they are out of town, then they call.  My DS spends the night at least once a month.  My parents see my kids 2-3 times amonth, but talk on the phone at least once a week.  DS spends the night once in a while.</p>
 

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Growing up both sets of my grandparents where within walking distance of our house. Could actually see my fraternal gparents home from my back door and my maternal gparents house when the leave fell in the fall.<br><br>
I went to the maternal gparents house several times a week but only a couple times a year to my fraternal gparents. I am not sure exactly why since I like the fraternal ones better in general.<br><br>
My kids see my parent about 3-5 times a week they live a 25 minute drive from us. The see dh's parents about twice a month and they live 30 minutes away. Since I am the one who drives the kids around and dh works they get to see my parents more.
 

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<p>My IL's live about 2000 miles away but they have come stay with us for a week six or seven times since DS was born 17 months ago.  They are coming again in February.  They want a relationship with him so badly...I find it touching and somehow humbling.  When they are here MIL will play with him all day (she is a retired early elementary teacher so she is really good).</p>
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<p>My mom lives about 100 miles away and has visited us once since we moved here (when DS was two months old).  She always has a reason..."its too hot, it might rain, I don't want to leave the cats, I don't have time".  Its not that she doesn't care about DS, its that she finds life to be too hectic and overwhelming to wrap her head around actually driving 100 miles to see him (especially as we drive to see her at least once a month).  Unfortunately when we are up in her town its usually for a family party and there is too much for her "to do" to spend more than like five minutes playing with DS. The whole thing makes me very, very sad.</p>
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<p>When I was a kid we saw my dad's parents at least once a month and my mom's mother lived 3000 miles away.  This was after we moved to Dad's neck of the woods when I was five.  I never had much of a relationship with my dad's parents because they were not kid people At. All.  I no longer keep contact with them.  My grandmother on the other hand is an amazing lady.  I still see her all the time, and she loves to see DS too.</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Teensy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1284995/how-much-time-do-the-grandparents-especially-local-ones-spend-with-your-children#post_16110057"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br>
So, my questions are:  How much time did you spend with grandparents growing up?  And how much time do your children spend with their grandparents?</div>
</div>
<p><br>
Growing up-</p>
<p>All of my grandparents were dead before I was born except 1 grandmother. She lived an hour drive away. We visited her somewhat regularly and on Christmas. When we visited we mostly played outside or with our cousins. I only remember staying the night once. Grandma got sick and lived with us for awhile but we didn't really spend quality time together then because she was sick. She died when I was 8 years old.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dd's grandparents-</p>
<p>My parents have spent a fair amount of time with dd. They have babysat dd. We lived with them for a time. We have stayed at their house for a weekend here and there. After we moved out of state we tried to see them every month or so. They would come visit us periodically. Now it is longer between visits. Much more time and interaction than I had with my grandmother.</p>
<p>Fil lives about a 30 minute drive away and we see him a couple of times a year. When we visit he and step-mil spend zero time with dd. Dd plays with their dd. Less time than I spent with my grandmother.<br>
Mil lives the same distance as my parents and we would try to visit her at the same time we visited my parents. She never really spent time with dd as a grandmother as she is busy being a parent to a boy dd's age. When we visit the kids mostly go off and play and the adults chat. I'd say less time than I spent with my grandmother but the qua;ity is about the same.</p>
 

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<p>Lots of lucky kiddos.</p>
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<p>My in-laws live 3000 miles away.  The saw my youngest for the first time when he was 2, and my ds#1 was 5 and they hadn't seen him since he was 6 months old.  They never travel here, but as each has turned 10 all three spend 2 weeks there every summer alone.  They have a great time and actually have a great relationship with them.</p>
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<p>My parents live 1000 miles away and generally travel here 1 x per year and we do the same.  My oldest and youngest have gone down the week before the rest of us the last 2 years.  They don't particularly care for my ds#1 and I won't put him through it so I conveniently schedule a camp for him that week as an excuse to them (he knows why).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My g-parents lived 4 and 6 hours away respectively.  We would hop in the car on a weekend and show up for dinner.  We probably saw them once a month each.</p>
 

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<p>Lots of lucky kiddos.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My in-laws live 3000 miles away.  The saw my youngest for the first time when he was 2, and my ds#1 was 5 and they hadn't seen him since he was 6 months old.  They never travel here, but as each has turned 10 all three spend 2 weeks there every summer alone.  They have a great time and actually have a great relationship with them.</p>
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<p>My parents live 1000 miles away and generally travel here 1 x per year and we do the same.  My oldest and youngest have gone down the week before the rest of us the last 2 years.  They don't particularly care for my ds#1 and I won't put him through it so I conveniently schedule a camp for him that week as an excuse to them (he knows why).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My g-parents lived 4 and 6 hours away respectively.  We would hop in the car on a weekend and show up for dinner.  We probably saw them once a month each.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #20
<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>lynsage</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1284995/how-much-time-do-the-grandparents-especially-local-ones-spend-with-your-children#post_16110102"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>I think each family is different and that's why this tends to come up with ILs. </p>
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<br><p>You have something with this, I am sure.  Although my MIL once complained to me about how <strong>her</strong> MIL never helped her out when her kids were small and I about strained my eyes trying not to roll them.  <img alt="hammer.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hammer.gif"></p>
 
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