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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
How often do you leave your dc with a sitter/friend/grandparent?<br>
Dh and I have not left ds with any one. And lately he even acts distraught if I leave the room at a friend's house. I wouldn't change our decision because I love being with ds but I just wonder if we have done him a disservice now that he is older. Just want to hear some of your thoughts.
 

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my son is 2 months older than yours. i had a babysitter come over once when i went to an appt but my partner was home working (in another part of teh house). she worked from 3:30 to 5:30.....ds slept from 3 to 6 that day! hahah!<br><br>
i dont think having him attached is a disservice. i will admit that sometimes im jealous of friends who can just go off w/o their kids and not worry about it but thats just not my life..i set it up like this, so i dont have much room for complaint...but i would love to get to the gym and leave ds in the play area w/o worries. HOWEVER, i dont think thats a matter of "not wanting to leave him w/ someone else" more than its a matter of "i dont want to leave him w/ ppl who do not practice AP parenting"...and in my area, its not real common...i get tired of the non gentle discipline habits of some ppl. I have a good friend who would love to babysit for me but i cant bring myself to leave him with her for even 30 minutes. She threatens to spank her children (never seen it) and i dont want ds to hear it or to ever see it.
 

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Never :)
 

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Only when I'm too sick to care for him...<br><br>
He goes through phases where he'll be okay and even prefer to hang out with a certain family member (he's very picky on which one though), and other times he won't want to be left at all. If he doesn't want to be left, he doesn't get left, period. Right now he's been really clingy, so we haven't left him <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> A few weeks ago DH and I were able to catch a quick movie and he was great.<br><br>
DS is really a two steps out, one step in kind of kid, and that's normal and great and fine. We'll always be here for his one step in <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">
 

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I've left her 3 times with someone other than dh. All 3 times added together would maybe total 45 minutes. It was my mom and when I needed something at the store and dd was sleeping and didn't want to wake her. That's it. I do leave her with dh from time to time. Maybe once or twice a month so I can go do a big grocery shopping.
 

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dh and i have had a babysitter (always close relatives who ds knows) about 5 times in his almost two years, i think? i leave once a week for a couple of hours to go to yoga, and ds usually asks about me, but he's attached to dad, too, so it's usually not a big deal. i go out to dinner with girlfriends about once every 3/4 months-- those nights are harder on ds because i'm not home for bedtime usually.<br>
i think it's good to get kids used to spending time with people other than mommy, but there are so many separation anxiety issues with toddlers, so it's hard to know what to do. there were periods of time when we haven't gone out, or i haven't gone out, because ds was going through a transition. maybe go out during the day first, to see how he handles it? that would be easier on a toddler than leaving at bedtime.
 

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My DD spends Thursday afternoons with my MIL, and then she's with my parents at least once a week. I've just allowed her to stay overnight, as a test run for when I'm gone overnight in two weeks. She loves to go and stay with both sets of grandparents. I'll take her, she'll give me a hug and a kiss, then it's off to play. I get a lot done while she's there and I don't have to worry that she's going to get hurt by trying to help me. I do things like cut the grass, weed the garden, clean the house, laundry, bath the dogs, or when we were still actively showing, groom the dogs... Things that I also do when she's here, but I can get a lot more of them done without having to divide my attention. I am very blessed though that I have a great support system who are all willing to play by my rules. Our current schedule has been in place since Oct of last year. That's when I started tutoring on Tues and Thurs. I no longer tutor since school is out, but she still spends one day a week with MIL. My parents live less than a mile away, so she goes there a lot. DH has a fairly crazy work schedule, so we never know what time he'll be home till about an hour before hand, so it's hard to plan for him to stay home with her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>PassionateWriter</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11636529"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
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i dont think having him attached is a disservice. i will admit that sometimes im jealous of friends who can just go off w/o their kids and not worry about it but thats just not my life..i set it up like this, so i dont have much room for complaint...but i would love to get to the gym and leave ds in the play area w/o worries. HOWEVER, i dont think thats a matter of "not wanting to leave him w/ someone else" more than its a matter of "i dont want to leave him w/ ppl who do not practice AP parenting"...and in my area, its not real common...i get tired of the non gentle discipline habits of some ppl. I have a good friend who would love to babysit for me but i cant bring myself to leave him with her for even 30 minutes. She threatens to spank her children (never seen it) and i dont want ds to hear it or to ever see it.</div>
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I don't think being attached is a disservice either. Like I said, I wouldn't change it. We AP because it just feels right and I love being with my son. There have actually been very few times since his birth that I felt I HAD to have a break and I am thankful for that. I just wonder at what point it's not about attachment (clearly we are bonded and attached) but about him learning that I will ALWAYS come back and that other people are capable of loving him and caring for him too. I think that is more my concern since he more recently he has also become upset even being left with dh.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>loveandgarbage</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11636874"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">dh and i have had a babysitter (always close relatives who ds knows) about 5 times in his almost two years, i think? i leave once a week for a couple of hours to go to yoga, and ds usually asks about me, but he's attached to dad, too, so it's usually not a big deal. i go out to dinner with girlfriends about once every 3/4 months-- those nights are harder on ds because i'm not home for bedtime usually.<br>
i think it's good to get kids used to spending time with people other than mommy, <b>but there are so many separation anxiety issues with toddlers</b>, so it's hard to know what to do. there were periods of time when we haven't gone out, or i haven't gone out, because ds was going through a transition. maybe go out during the day first, to see how he handles it? that would be easier on a toddler than leaving at bedtime.</div>
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Yeah, I guess that was what caught me off guard. We were with my very good friend at the library on Thursday. Her son and my ds are "best buds" and I walked away to check out a book- literally 4 minutes and he was crying when I came back. Poor guy. And he LOVES my friend and her son.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>loveandgarbage</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11636874"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">dh and i have had a babysitter (always close relatives who ds knows) about 5 times in his almost two years, i think? i leave once a week for a couple of hours to go to yoga, and ds usually asks about me, but he's attached to dad, too, so it's usually not a big deal. i go out to dinner with girlfriends about once every 3/4 months-- those nights are harder on ds because i'm not home for bedtime usually.<br>
i think it's good to get kids used to spending time with people other than mommy, but there are so many separation anxiety issues with toddlers, so it's hard to know what to do. there were periods of time when we haven't gone out, or i haven't gone out, because ds was going through a transition. maybe go out during the day first, to see how he handles it? that would be easier on a toddler than leaving at bedtime.</div>
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Oh and yeah, I wouldn't even consider leaving at bed time right now. But I am even anxious about the day time considering recent events.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>ryansma</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11637112"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't think being attached is a disservice either. Like I said, I wouldn't change it. We AP because it just feels right and I love being with my son. There have actually been very few times since his birth that I felt I HAD to have a break and I am thankful for that. I just wonder at what point it's not about attachment (clearly we are bonded and attached) but about him learning that I will ALWAYS come back and that other people are capable of loving him and caring for him too. I think that is more my concern since he more recently he has also become upset even being left with dh.<br><br><br>
Yeah, I guess that was what caught me off guard. We were with my very good friend at the library on Thursday. Her son and my ds are "best buds" and I walked away to check out a book- literally 4 minutes and he was crying when I came back. Poor guy. And he LOVES my friend and her son.</div>
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i think following his cues is the important thing for you. with ds1, i could have walked away for an hour and left him playing with a friend and he woudl have been fine...with ds3, no way. I have to catch myself to say "do you want to go w/ mommy" (if im at a friends and need to go outside or inside (if we are out) or even to the bathroom (b/c really, i dont want him running into the bathroom when im....well...in hte middle of it! lol!).<br><br>
i think alot of it has to do w/ individual personalities...as he gets older, he will more than likely be much more independent and secure knowing you are nearby or will be back soon....ages 2-4 are just so unpredictable.
 

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OP - are you including daycare or is this strictly for other times? If you include daycare, well I guess I leave DD about 4 days/week. Otherwise, DP and I have a sitter over or leave her with neighbor/friend/grandparents about once every couple weeks. We've never left her with anyone we don't completely trust and everyone is very aware of our rules and parenting philosophies.<br><br>
I do think it depends on the child's personality too. If DD was distressed when we left her, I don't think we'd do it. But, she really doesn't mind and really loves it when our friends watch her that have kids her age. She's quite social - she doesn't want to leave daycare most days.<br><br>
Different strokes for different folks but personally, DP and I love the fact she we can get away and have some needed adult time without feeling guilty.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MidnightCommando</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11637408"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">OP - are you including daycare or is this strictly for other times? If you include daycare, well I guess I leave DD about 4 days/week. Otherwise, DP and I have a sitter over or leave her with neighbor/friend/grandparents about once every couple weeks. We've never left her with anyone we don't completely trust and everyone is very aware of our rules and parenting philosophies.<br><br>
I do think it depends on the child's personality too. If DD was distressed when we left her, I don't think we'd do it. But, she really doesn't mind and really loves it when our friends watch her that have kids her age. She's quite social - she doesn't want to leave daycare most days.<br><br>
Different strokes for different folks but personally, DP and I love the fact she we can get away and have some needed adult time without feeling guilty.</div>
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I guess I would say other times. But the fact that you daycare probably affects the ease of leaving her other times, no? Because she is used to other people caring for her? I am a sahm so that clearly dictates how often the oppurtunity arises.
 

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my DS is 20 mos and we've never left him with anyone either. only my mom once or twice, for about 1/2 hour while we ran out to get something...
 

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I think shyness is not something we can control in a child. I know children who are very outgoing and haven't been left a hour of their life with anyone other than a parent. I know other children that have been in daycare since they were 6 weeks old and are very, very attached to their parents to the point where they won't go with anyone else.<br><br>
I think the child's personality is the child's personality. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"><br><br>
To answer your question, though, I left my son overnight with a relative when he was about 2 months old because I had an out of town wedding to attend. I was so distraught about leaving him that I won't leave either of my children overnight again. We <i>have</i> left him and DD with my mother for a couple of hours at a time. And recently (DD is 2 and DS is 3) we actually hired a babysitter so we could go out for dinner and movie (my mom has been sick and hasn't been able to watch the kids for us). But those occasions are rare ... maybe 3-4 times a year?? My oldest has no problems staying with other people when I'm not there .... my youngest is a little clingy at first until she warms up to the person, but she usually has no problems with staying as long as her brother is with her.
 

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We've only ever left our girls with my parents. They do weekends over every other weekend, though Beth didn't start that till nearly a year old and LOVES it. Her Pa is her favorite person next to me and daddy.. sometimes even more favorite than either of us. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">
 

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My DD is only 13 months old and I've left her quite a few times, actually, in comparison to many previous posters! And usually not with her dad, cause he works so much. My mom, who she adores, takes her when I have to write exams (3-4 hour blocks, whenever I'm done a correspondence course), my sister and my mom have also watched her a handful of times in the evening so DP & I could go to a few different things: friend's birthday parties, a concert, we went to a homebuyers seminar once... And in the past couple months DD has really warmed up to MIL and so she has gone over there for a couple afternoons to play in their backyard (we are in an apt. and don't have one). I -always- have a cell phone and would come to her right away (except during exams, I could not) if she needed anything.<br><br>
I would never leave her with anyone that she was not 100% comfortable with, but don't see anything wrong with her spending time with close relatives like those mentioned above who I trust to respect our parenting choices and not undermine them. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug">
 

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I stayed home until my son was 13 months old, and in that time we left him maybe 3 or 4 times. Once to see a movie, once to go out to dinner on our anniversary, and maybe twice with my mom when she was in town. He was usually fine for the first hour and then freaked out and we got a call to come home.<br><br>
I went back to work at 13 months and we hired a nanny. He stays with her 3 days a week for 6 hours. We started slowly with me being home while he played with her. He never once cried and loves her madly now.<br><br>
Once he started staying with the Nanny he got better at being left in general. We don't have family around so when they visit they stay a week. We always take a night out towards the end of any family members stay. By then DS is used to grandma again and very happy to have undivided attention. It has been a blessing for our marriage to get some alone time once a month or so.<br><br>
We usually nap DS late and time our dinner/ movie early so we are home for DS bedtime. It works out great and I love being able to get out alone with DH from time to time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>angelika13</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11639157"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It has been a blessing for our marriage to get some alone time once a month or so.</div>
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Yeah, there are a few reasons for my post and time with dh is one of them. As well as wondering about other people's thoughts about his recent clinginess I wonder if dh and I need time alone. We have always said that we would take it if we needed to. We spend every night after ds is asleep together but just haven't ever been out without him. I wonder if we need it and don't know it. Also, with another one due in a matter of weeks I am starting to feel like it will be a long long time before I even consider it again.
 

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Dd is 16 months old and she has been in an in-home daycare setting two days a week for a couple months now. At first she didn't mind being left there, but now she cries every time I leave.<br><br>
Before that (and still) close friends or family members would watch her for a movie or something every week or two. She was always fine being left with them...we see them almost daily...but today I went to an appointment with my mom and dd cried when I left her in the playroom with her.<br><br>
I have recently hired a friend (16 yrs old) to babysit here and there. When she and dd met, they totally hit it off. Dd cried when I left, but didn't want to leave when I came to pick her up.<br><br>
Dd cries if I leave her to use the bathroom or shower or get a pair of socks, even if dp is there with her (actually, especially if he is there). I think it is a normal part of her development which she has reached despite the fact that we have left her with close friends or family since 3 or 4 months.<br><br>
Long story short--I don't think you have made your child clingy or given him an abandonment complex. I think it is normal, unavoidable childhood development, and that some children are more that way than others.<br><br>
That said, dd is super attached to me, and I have been with her almost 24-7 from birth.
 
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