How open are you to your children with regard to sexuality?

932 Views 10 Replies 11 Participants Last post by Chelly2003, Oct 12, 2003

moonlightinvt

Discussion Starter · Oct 7, 2003

Let me preface this question with the fact that I come from a cold family--little to no tactile affection growing up (and this continues), parents never displayed affection or verbalized it (never an "I love you"...), "cute" names always used for anatomy, if ever, and sexuality NEVER talked about.

Needless to say, I have already broken the chain on a few of these items. In fact, I probably smother my dd with affection and I always tell her how special she is to us and how much I love her (she is 18 mos old).

It is the openness about sexuality I am stuck on. Is it ok to shower with your child? Until how old? I am perfectly comfortable with it--it is practical because it has been the only way for me to shower (she sits in blow-up tub while I shower). Is it ok for my husband to do this, too? He doesn't think so.

Should I call my dd's vagina by it's name or call the whole area her "cracks and crevice's" (odd, I know)? She calls the penis on her anatomically-correct toy horse, "nursies". Should I tell her it is a penis or wait until she is older? Jeez, even typing these words feels weird to me.

I want my daughter to grow up feeling secure within her family and with her body. I don't want her to feel she has to look elsewhere for tactile affection like I did.

I want my child to be confident about who she is and feel good about herself and her decisions surrounding her sexuality.

I know, I probably need to see a therapist, but this is cheaper (ha-ha).

Help me out--I'm on the couch. :/ (p.s. my smilies aren't working, any ideas why?)

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shelley4

· #2 · Oct 7, 2003

i like to call body parts by their correct names, right from the start. even when my son was a newborn, i'd tell him that i needed to wipe his penis when i changed his diaper or bathed him. i'll use vagina/vulva with my daughter as well. i think that if you use the right names from the start, there will be no embarrassment.. "that's your nose, your elbow, your penis.. ".. nothing to be ashamed of! it did take some practice for me to get used to it though..... i come from a very repressed family as well!

as for showering, i think it's all a personal choice. if you feel comfortable, go with it!

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AnnMarie

· #3 · Oct 7, 2003

Quote:

Originally posted by moonlightinvt
Is it ok to shower with your child? Until how old? I am perfectly comfortable with it--it is practical because it has been the only way for me to shower (she sits in blow-up tub while I shower). Is it ok for my husband to do this, too? He doesn't think so.

Yes, until either doesn't feel comfortable with it anymore, and yes. Both my husband and I showed with our kids, both our sons and our daughters, until they didn't want to anymore.

Quote:

Should I call my dd's vagina by it's name or call the whole area her "cracks and crevice's" (odd, I know)? She calls the penis on her anatomically-correct toy horse, "nursies". Should I tell her it is a penis or wait until she is older? Jeez, even typing these words feels weird to me.

Well, vagina wouldn't be the correct word. Vulva would be for the whole area, so I'd use that. The vagina is on the inside, not the outside. Yes, I think you should tell her penis. We don't make up names for other body parts, why the genitals?

Quote:

:/ (p.s. my smilies aren't working, any ideas why?)

They are working. :/ isn't one of them that's all.

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candiland

· #4 · Oct 7, 2003

My DD knows all of the "proper" terminology... however, we prefer the word "yoni" in place of "vagina", because vagina is literally translated as "sheath"; ie, receptacle for a man's penis. We find yoni to be a more acceptable word, but that's just us.
I really don't think there's anything wrong with using cute names for body parts... for example, when we play, my son's toes are "piggies". But of course he knows that they're actually called toes. Once in a while I'll call his penis a "wink" - short for winky - but again, only because it's cute and I get sick of saying penis all the time.
When your child can start learning her body parts, it's a good idea to teach them the real names first. When they've got it down part, cute little nicknames once in a while don't hurt, IMO.
A little OT, but when I play the "body game" with my 16 mo. son, I go through all the body parts and he points to them, except I leave "penis" for last... because once he touches it, he wants to play with it and not finish our game!

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Arduinna

· #5 · Oct 7, 2003

We've always used penis and vulva (vagina is inside) and both dh and I showered/bathed with dd until one of us (either her or either of us) wasn't comfortable.

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Sustainer

· #6 · Oct 9, 2003

In my opinion?

Quote:

Originally posted by moonlightinvt
Is it ok to shower with your child?

sure

Quote:

Originally posted by moonlightinvt
Until how old?

forever

Quote:

Originally posted by moonlightinvt
Is it ok for my husband to do this, too?

sure

Quote:

Originally posted by moonlightinvt
Should I call my dd's vagina by it's name or call the whole area her "cracks and crevice's" (odd, I know)?

I prefer the word "yoni." This is a correct name, not a cutesy name, it just happens to be a language other than English. The only reason I don't like "vagina" is because it literally translates as "sheath," which I consider sexist.

Quote:

Originally posted by moonlightinvt
She calls the penis on her anatomically-correct toy horse, "nursies". Should I tell her it is a penis or wait until she is older?

I'd tell her it's a penis.

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ja mama

· #7 · Oct 10, 2003

The best way to 'teach' her to be confident about her body and her sexuality is by being it yourself. The more comfortable you are, the more she will be. As you seem to already know, the only reason you're uncomfortable is because that's what was taught to you.

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OdessaEarthenMama

· #8 · Oct 10, 2003

Wow, a lot of great points! I too use the proper words with my children & it works out much better, I never thought of using yoni, but I think I will now. My biggest problem is grandparents, aunts, uncles & others not using the proper words, and even my husband sometimes. They prefer to use words like hooch, cooch, tally wacker, and I hate these, in my book their more vulger than swear words.

As far as showering, I still shower with all of my kids except for my 8 year old son, and he sometimes showers with my husband, to speed up the showers on the weekends when were all trying to get ready to go places.

My biggest thing is nudity, I feel its all natural, but obviously most people don't accept it. My husband & I rarely go nude around the kids anymore, but what I have a problem with is my husband will sit on the couch, reach in his pants and itch his penis & scrotum, around the kids even. They just blow it off, but I think its sickening. I've told him how I feel, and he just says its my house, I'll itch myself if I want to. Any sugs on that one?

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sadean

· #9 · Oct 10, 2003

You've gotten the answers I would have given on the naming and showering issues. We all shower together in one form or another. MY DS#1 doesn't choose to bath with DH or I anymore, but the boys take bathes together soetimes. DS#2 showers with whomever whenever he can...I don't think he has EVER turned down an opportunity

We use proper names for parts and the children are free to be naked if they want to. My dh and I don't roam naked as we have an adult male roomate and he would be scandelized

ODE- As to the your DH scratching himself on the couch, yeah I'd say that's go somewhere else activity, kind along the lines of "doing your private business" (bathrooming, masterbating, belching or farting indiscretly, etc.) stuff... As to his arguement that it is his house, that's true. But my answer would be "But we live here too and we don't want to watch you scratch your nuts..." or "Go somewhere else, you're bauging (sp?) me out"

At our house, as long as there are no guests present, rude habits abound ...not a day passes without a fart, belch or public scratch by someone

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Round Belly

· #10 · Oct 10, 2003

I didn't tell My oldest son what his penis was called until he asked. But he asked at 4 and now he and his 2 year old know and always use the correct name.

When I got out of the shower the other day and he asked me where my penis was, then I knew it was time to explain that there are 2 sexes in the world (being a boy with 2 brothers, no sisters, and 5 male cousins and no girls, and having no girls in his preschool classroom becasue it was a special autsim classroom ,i guess he never noticed before).

I think we need to teach them that the penis/vulva is a special part of thier body that we do not flaunt, and should remained covered except for bathroom and cleaning purposes, but that it is a part of us that we have no need of being ashamed of.

Galen's discussion generally goes "This is my penis, I keep it in my underwear." Then I nod and agree that in the underwear is a good place for it to be. When he sees he is right is goes off and plays.

As far as showering/changing in front of my kids I feel that they will decide when it is no longer confortable for them, and will just decide not to hang around me at those times, either that or I will decide for them when they start asking to many questions.

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Chelly2003

· #11 · Oct 12, 2003

I don't use the correct names for body parts....

my son's penis is called his "winkie" for example, these are just words I grew up with.

As far as bathing and showering, my dh and I do both with ds on a regular basis, its easier to wash his hair when you're in there with him. I'm having a difficult time now, with a big pregnant belly, and my son has asked me a few times to bath with him. (he is 4 by the way)

I just went for a "pelvic" exam at my midwife last week, and my son stood right there next to me, I did feel a little odd, but to him it didn't seem to be an issue at all, he was more focused on my belly than what the midwife was doing.
He will be with us when baby is born at home, so I'm really happy he's co comfortable with all the goings on with mommy's body at the moment.

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