[lilgreen]

First off, I have to say that I am not very good at confronting anybody about anything. I usually cower and hope it goes away. But I know that sometimes things have to be hashed out and discussed, which is where I'm at today. So I need your help in suggesting ways I can discuss this with dh so that I'm comfortable and he doesn't feel threatened.<br><br>
There have been so many reasons and incidents in the past when I really should have left dh. And it wasn't just about me... When ds#1 (now 5) was younger, he was far too rough and mean with him.<br><br>
BUT, I've stuck it out (more out of weakness than any kind of dedication) and things have gotten considerably better. Dh started taking an anti-depressant a few months ago and his behaviour and mood have evened out significantly. He has also said that he feels badly about the way he treated ds#1 in the past and that he was too hard on him. And to be honest, I couldn't fathom him being like that to the kids now with the way he's changed. It really is a drastic difference.<br><br>
The last incident involving dh being too rough with ds#1 was earlier this year, before he started the medication. I wasn't here, but dh said ds#1 was "being a little brat" and he lost it. He said he felt really bad and had already talked to ds about it. By the time I had come home ds was out playing and having fun so I let it go.<br><br>
This morning, after watching his 20mins of tv ds had a huge tantrum where he was kicking and throwing and slamming doors and screaming... the whole bit. Dh had left for work already and I was trying to get ds#1 and ds#2 to school/daycare. I simply can't control ds#1 when he gets like that - he's too big and strong. So, I just try to let him run out of steam without hurting anyone or anything. Today he kept going so I eventually said that when daddy gets home tonight he and I will have a big talk about all this (his tantrum) to see what we should do about it. Suddenly, ds ran behind and hid behind a chair and started sobbing, "Don't tell Daddy! Don't tell daddy! Please! I don't want daddy to hold me too tight and hurt me!" He kept saying this many times over and over and he was seriously petrefied. I assured him that Daddy will not hurt him.<br><br>
So, what do i do? I'm thinking that he's remembering the incident when I wasn't here. How do approach this with dh without it turning into a huge fight? How can I tell him how his behaviour is affecting ds without him feeling like I'm threatening or accusing him? How can I get him to talk about this incident and what do I do about it then?<br><br>
He's been to see a counsellor two times and the counsellor told him he didn't need to see her anymore. I'm seeing a counsellor but I can't talk about this because it's their duty to report any abuse and I don't want to make a bigger mess out of this than it already is.<br><br>
Help!

 

[Mallori]

I don't think this is a problem that you're going to get a quick solution to on this board. There are a number of things that could be going on that cause your son to act the way he does, and the same for your husband.<br><br>
I can say though, leaving a son who has outbursts of that nature alone with a man who cannot control his temper and has proven himself excessive in dealing with it should not be trusted to be alone with children again.<br><br>
Your family needs professional help.

 

[FancyPants]

Are there parenting support groups/parenting classes that would address non-violent communication/disciplining? I'd tell DH what happened and say that your methods don't seem to be working - he's "too big and strong" for you and DH is too frightening for DS. This way it is a problem you both share and need to work on (although your problem with this is substantially smaller). State simply that you both need a method that will work with DS and you have signed DH and you up for a class on such and such date.<br><br>
If DH doesn't go with you freely, I wouldn't try to coerce him, I would talk to the counsellor because DH does not see it as a problem and won't work to fix it so it will happen again. Having it in writing could end up with a visit from CPS but would then benefit you in the event of a divorce (do you really want unsupervised visits???)

 

[laura163]

I can't imagine your Ds freaking out about something that happened a year ago. I would guess something has happened with your DS and DH since the "last incident".

 

[lilgreen]

Thank you for your suggestions. I do agree that the issues I've presented are much bigger than something that will be solved easily. We've been to parenting courses and I would love to go again. I know dh won't go again, but i would love to go for myself.<br><br>
the last incident happened a few months ago... in January or February I think, so ds could very likely be remembering that. Dh is very calm now whenever ds gets worked up, so I'm quite certain nothing has happened since.<br><br>
My big concern is talking about ds' fear with dh and how I can approach the topic without damaging the progress dh has been making. Ds rarely freaks out like he did this morning, so that's much less of a concern, although dealing with its intensity is one of the reasons I would like to go to another parenting course.<br><br>
Also, the idea of approaching my discussion with dh in such a way that shows we both have things we need to work on is a good idea. My only worry is that dh notoriously blames any negative behaviour on me (that I breastfed him so long, that he's too attached and can't consequently deal with his emotions properly), which I really want to avoid.... yes, it's all so much bigger, isn't it. Alas... any further ideas will nonetheless be very appreciated. Thank you!

 

[CarrieMF]

What exactly does dh do that is "too rough"? Is it abuse, or is it just a different way of dealing with DS.<br><br>
I see alot of suggestions for you & dh, but what about DS. Is he in couselling? What sets his tantrums off?<br><br>
To approach this with DH I would definitly go the route of "What solutions can WE come up with to deal with(and hopefully stop) his behaviour?"

 

[Blu Razzberri]

<span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span><span style="font-size:medium;">Dear LilGreen:<br><br>
I was debating over whether or not to post my response to your thread because I didn't want to be too harsh; but reading your post scares me ALOT (for your ds) and so I've decided to post it afterall.<br><br>
I'm going to break it down and respond in pieces; and some of my statements will be harshly un-cushioned, so please keep in mind that I'm not trying to put you down; but you need to open your eyes to some things.<br><br>
I believe you are desperately wanting to do something more for your DS but you're supressing it because you don't think you're strong enough to do what you already know you need to do. I think you're looking for affirmation on your suppressed instincts.</span></span></span><br><br><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span>All my opinions below are based on what information you've given me; adjust it according to your life, but beware not to adjust it according to your fears (meaning, don't try to rationalize your DH's behaviors based on the fact that you don't feel strong enough to be a single mother).</span></span></span><br><br><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span>So here we go....</span></span></span><br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">...There have been so many reasons and incidents in the past when I really should have left dh....</td>
</tr></table></div>

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">...BUT, I've stuck it out (more out of weakness than any kind of dedication)...</td>
</tr></table></div>
<span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span>...you recognized the "many" reasons to leave him back then; such as (and most importantly)...</span></span></span><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">...When ds#1 (now 5) was younger, he was far too rough and mean with him....</td>
</tr></table></div>
<span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span>...but you didn't leave because you felt too weak to leave a relationship where your son was being HURT and you recognized it; and now here we are several years (?) later and you're still with your DH.</span></span></span><br><br><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span>You say that....</span></span></span><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">....things have gotten considerably better. Dh started taking an anti-depressant a few months ago and his behaviour and mood have evened out significantly....</td>
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<span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span>...and that you....</span></span></span><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">....couldn't fathom him being like that to the kids now with the way he's changed. It really is a drastic difference....</td>
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<span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span>...but I think it needs to be pointed out that...</span></span></span><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">....The last incident involving dh being too rough with ds#1 was <b>earlier this year</b>... I wasn't here, but dh said ds#1 was "being a little brat" and he lost it......</td>
</tr></table></div>
<span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span>....but, LilGreen: even if by "earlier this year" you meant "January"; that was still only <i>3 short months ago</i>. And because...</span></span></span><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">....ds ran behind and hid behind a chair and started sobbing, "Don't tell Daddy! Don't tell daddy! Please! I don't want daddy to hold me too tight and hurt me!" He kept saying this many times over and over and he was seriously petrefied....</td>
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<span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span>....I tend to want to believe that the incidents were much more serious than 'a little too rough'. I also question whether you know <i>for sure</i> if it has in fact been that long since the last incident. Your son's actions make me wonder about that as well. Either way, the trauma of that incident is OBVIOUSLY still very fresh for your son. Now you expect your DS to believe and trust you when you assure him that...</span></span></span><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">....Daddy will not hurt him....</td>
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<span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span>...but you have taken no action in the past to protect him from your DH's abuse.</span></span></span><br><br><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span>I want you to dig deep and ask yourself; "Why, after my baby's been hurt am I still worried about my husband....</span></span></span><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">....feeling like I'm threatening or accusing him?....</td>
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<span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span>...because the truth is; after what your DH has done, <i>HIS</i> feelings don't much matter. You have a duty to protect your <span style="text-decoration:underline;">son</span>, not your husband!!</span></span></span><br><br><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span>I also want to point out that the fact that this:</span></span></span><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">....How can I tell him how <b>his behaviour is affecting ds</b>...</td>
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<span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span>...isn't written in past-tense, I believe this abuse <i>may</i> be continuing and that you're aware of it (you don't need to respond to this statement).</span></span></span><br><br><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span>(Look, I'm sorry, I know you're probably bawling your eyes out but I wouldn't be posting this if I wasn't very certain that you already recognize these things. Making you sad isn't my intention. I don't want you to cry; but instead to find strength here. There's alot of power in the desire to protect your children. I really feel that you need someone to give you the answers in solid unwavering form, and then be there for you when you need someone to lean on...please keep reading.)</span></span></span><br><br><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span>Now, I recognize that all of these things (may have) occurred...</span></span></span><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">.... before he started the medication....</td>
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<span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span>...and may have since stopped; but either way the reprecussions are still very visible and your son is dealing with his trauma by way of having...</span></span></span><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">....a huge tantrum where he was kicking and throwing and slamming doors and screaming... the whole bit.....</td>
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<span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span>Now, you asked "So, what do I do?" and then the next thing you said was....</span></span></span><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">....He's been to see a counsellor two times and the counsellor told him he didn't need to see her anymore.....</td>
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<span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span>...which clearly isn't the case. Your son DESPERATELY needs some professional help. Obviously that counsellor isn't qualified enough to see that he does; or perhaps you're not being forthcoming about the real issue because...</span></span></span><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">....it's their duty to report any abuse and I don't want to make a bigger mess out of this than it already is.</td>
</tr></table></div>
<span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span>...but in order to help your ds#1; the rest of your children (because while you havn't mentioned them being affected by this, they're seeing it and TRUST ME, it's affecting them); and yourself. Your husband is a grown man, and if the reprecussions of his actions are those of you protecting your children, then so be it.</span></span></span><br><br><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span>I worry too, about the fact that you claim your DH has changed and recognizes that he's deeply hurt your ds; and yet you...</span></span></span><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">....know dh won't go..</td>
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<span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span>..to parenting courses; and that -to me- shows his unwillingness to improve and make positive changes for the better of a child to whom he's caused deep emotional scars. You need to raise issue with this!</span></span></span><br><br><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span>I also see a huge red flag when you say you're having trouble telling your DH about your ds 'freaking out' because of DH's "past" behaviors; because...</span></span></span><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">....dh notoriously blames any negative behaviour on me (that I breastfed him so long, that he's too attached and can't consequently deal with his emotions properly)...</td>
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<span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span>...which makes me wonder if he has really truly changed. If you can't even approach your son's emotional issue (created BY your husband) with your husband to find a way to help your ds heal; THAT indicates that this is still a HUGE problem.</span></span></span><br><br><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span>That being said, this (I believe) is <span>important advice</span>....</span></span></span><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>FancyPants</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7907038"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">...I would talk to the counsellor....Having it in writing could end up with a visit from CPS but would then benefit you in the event of a divorce (do you really want unsupervised visits???)</div>
</td>
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<span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span>....you won't realize how valuable that information can be in the event of a divorce from your DH. Take the opportunity to have that documented now, because you may regret not having it in the future. At least then you have it, and if you never need it, all the better.</span></span></span><br><br><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span>Now; back to your question: What do you do?</span></span></span><br><br><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span><span style="color:#000000;">As a wife</span>: you encourage your husband to continue his treatments, and celebrate his milestones in changing. You get into marriage couselling because you have alot of things you need to say to him. You need to be able to express to him how you really feel about all this; and having a cousellor there may give you the empowerment and guideance you need to be able to do it. You need to encourage him to get individual counselling so he can work out what are likely deep-rooted emotional scars of his own (as well as continue your individual couselling).</span></span></span><br><br><span><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="color:#000000;">As a mother (and this should come first above <i>all</i> )</span>: you need to make absolute certain not to leave your children in your DH's care. He needs to have demonstrated ability to handle normal childhood behavior and this needs to be a long-term proof - not just a few months. He may be handling the kids well when you're there, but it was when you were NOT there that the incidents were occurring before the meds. He also needs to show long term positive acceptance of his meds. It takes time for people to adjust to medications and get a feel for whether or not they're truly working. You also need to <span style="text-decoration:underline;">get your son back into individual counselling and to be 100% forthcoming to the counsellor about the issues so they can be dealt with properly</span>. One cannot give proper advice and help provide him with the tools he needs to heal, when they don't <i>really</i> know the problem.</span></span><br><br><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';">Your other children should be put into counselling as well. This could be in the form of group family sessions, where they could simply participate in the overall healing process.</span></span><br><br><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';">I hope you find the strength to fix this for your 'baby'. He NEEDS you. I'm here for you if you need a cheering squad (I'm sure we all are). You can PM me anytime you need someone to boost your strength.</span></span><br><br><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';">I know you can do this mama; you're a woman and you are STRONG. Stop silencing your inner voice (because it knows what's right and what's wrong) and find power within yourself. If you decide that leaving your husband is what it's going to take to protect your son, then do it and d<span style="text-decoration:underline;">on</span>'t l<span style="text-decoration:underline;">oo</span>k b<span style="text-decoration:underline;">ac</span>k. Trust me, you're more capable of standing on your own than your realize!</span></span><br><br>
.</span>

 

[kkeris]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>laura163</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7907430"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I can't imagine your Ds freaking out about something that happened a year ago. I would guess something has happened with your DS and DH since the "last incident".</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I agree.

 

[Mama_of_1]

When you have some 1-on-1 time with DS, ask him what happened and why he thinks DH will hurt him. You need to find out exactly what he experienced. Then, you HAVE to talk to DH about this, either with a counselor or on your own. You have to let him know that DS is afraid of him. If the counselor said you don't need to go anymore, you need to find another counselor. They come in all kinds of qualities, unfortunately. Ask around, look for a children's play therapist. Someone that can gleen information not just from the words that your DS is able to verbalize.

 

[mrsfatty]

I think Blu Razzberri hit the nail on the head pretty well...<br><br>
I must also encourage you to ask your DH to seek anger management training/couselling. He may not INTEND on abusing, but he is. He most likely feels out of control and doesn't know how to control those impulses...

 

[DariusMom]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mrsfatty</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7929561"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think Blu Razzberri hit the nail on the head pretty well...<br><br>
I must also encourage you to ask your DH to seek anger management training/couselling. He may not INTEND on abusing, but he is. He most likely feels out of control and doesn't know how to control those impulses...</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I agree wholeheartedly with Blu Razzberri as well.<br><br>
It was confronting message but please think about it.<br><br>
Good luck and stay strong.

 

[Blu Razzberri]

<span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span>Thankyou to the two PP's for your kind words.<br><br>
I've come back to check in with the OP. I havn't heard from you since you messaged me personally; and I wanted to make sure you were ok.<br><br>
I've got this thread in my subscribed list, and I check it from time to time; so I hope you can give us an update. We're all rootin' for you mama!<br></span></span></span>

 

[MamaNosBest]

Also, mama, the sort of tantrum you described your DS having is worrisome in a child that age. He needs help, too.

 

[Strong Mama]

br you are a mama of wisdom.

 

[Blu Razzberri]

<span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span>Thankyou.<br><br>
Lilgreen, is everything ok?</span></span></span>

 

[mommyddeville]

I grew up in a home like you're describing. We spent our entire lives waiting for the other shoe to drop. I used to hold my breath to the point that I got sick when my dad got home, I was so terrified.<br><br>
With your son's reaction, I can almost guarantee that things are still going on with DH. Your son would not be so terrified from something that happened months ago.<br><br>
Honestly, I love my mom to pieces, but it's still hard for me to think that she never left my dad. It would have been incredibly difficult, but it was harder to live with someone who was abusive. I'm still, at 25, dealing with the repercussions of abuse that happened in my childhood. Please don't overlook the obvious signs of abuse!

 

[marybethorama]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lilgreen</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7907615"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">T<br>
Also, the idea of approaching my discussion with dh in such a way that shows we both have things we need to work on is a good idea. My only worry is that dh notoriously blames any negative behaviour on me (that I breastfed him so long, that he's too attached and can't consequently deal with his emotions properly), which I really want to avoid.... yes, it's all so much bigger, isn't it</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I don't have any advice to add but I want to say this is just plain wrong. You are not to blame for any problems your son may be having.<br><br>
Those kind of statements really, really push my buttons as you can see.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> and Good Luck

 

[ShadowMom]

Mama, you are trying to take responsibility for your H's emotions. I used to do the same thing so I recognize it so easily. I think in this situation you should think less about how your H will react and more about how you can make sure your son is protected, and that abuse of him will simply no longer be tolerated.<br><br>
Don't you think it is a little worrisome, mama, that your son is traumatized by your H's behavior, and all you can think of is how to approach your DH in a way so he won't get offended and will be open to your suggestions?<br><br>
It is not your responsibility to sugarcoat things so that he can accept them. It's your responsibility to make sure it gets dealt with. If he can't recognize the problem and deal with it quickly and constructively, that is HIS failure, NOT YOURS.<br><br>
And I'm sorry but I have to throw this in there - it's just so familiar to me. If he tries to blame your sons fear of H by blaming it on your mothering style, that is a huge red flag. Many abusers refuse to accept responsibility for their problems. And why should they, when someone else is willing to do that for them...<br><br>
I don't know what has happened since you wrote this post, but I hope that you will remember you and your children's vulnerability during this time and keep a bag packed at a friend's house, and a little money somewhere too.

 

[<~*MamaRose*~>]

Lilgreen~ I've been following this thread and just wanted to post to find out how you’re doing…it has been a bit since you posted!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"><br><br>
Also, THANK YOU FOR THE FANASTIC ADVICE BLU RAZZBERR!!!!!<br><br>
I’m a mom who just had to finally say to myself enough is enough what am I doing, my kids are important, I’m important and we have a right to feel safe (mentally & physically) so I'm outta here H! Sometimes family problems MUST be worked on from afar. H and I are legally separated but not divorced. My H knows what he needs to accomplish X,Y and Z before the kids & I even think of living with him again and now the ball is in his court. Our therapist was quite clear about the fact that while I desperately want to support my H through his problems sometimes it’s best for all involved to be apart while someone deals with their demons. Sometimes it’s just too risky emotionally as well as physically to live together during the healing process.<br>
It’s tough doing it on my own let me tell you but the rough times will pass and we will all be better for it

 

[Blu Razzberri]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>StrugglingMomX's2</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8245467"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">...Also, THANK YOU FOR THE FANASTIC ADVICE BLU RAZZBERRI!!!!!...</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/loveeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Loveeyes">:<br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>StrugglingMomX's2</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8245467"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">...I’m a mom who just had to finally say to myself enough is enough what am I doing, my kids are important, I’m important and we have a right to feel safe (mentally & physically) so I'm outta here H!...</div>
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<span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span>I'm so glad my words have had positive impact on your life! Sometimes it's just the right timing and the right thing said. Good for you for standing up for yourself and your kids!</span></span></span><br><br><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span>I came back to check again on Lil Green. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bump.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bump"></span></span></span>