[Chantelle691]

to not call 7yo dd more than once a day? He calls her twice a day on school days - usually once around dinnertime and then again 2 hours later.

They tend to have very basic phone calls:

XH: what did you do today?
DD: nothing
XH: what did you have for dinner?
DD: chicken
XH: do you have homework...

etc.

DD HATES it - he usually ends up telling her she has attitude or something too and then I need to calm her down because she's upset by the time they get off the phone.

DD wants him to call just once a day, at bedtime. That's not unreasonable, I don't think.

How do I tell him that in a non-confrontational manner?

 

[fek&fuzz]

Can you not answer the phone in the afternoon, and then have her call him at bedtime? Maybe he'll catch on.

 

[treefairie]

Is he calling your land line? or a Cellphone?

Who pays for the cellphone?

 

[bu's mama]

That's a little tough...I agree with maybe not answering the phone in the afternoon if you are busy, but that can get tricky in terms of denying him access.

Maybe if your x is receptive you can tell him about dd's feelings - that the phone calls are stressing her out, especially if he says she has an attitude & how if they talked a little less, they might have more to talk about. I try to foster calling because he/she wants to, not as an obligation, iykwim. Maybe leave the calling up to dd for a bit.

When stbx is stressing out dd, I ask her if she wants me to talk to him in private or with her there (she's open to both, depends on the day) and I put it in terms of what she wants, not me trying to manage his intereaction with her. I'll say this is how dd feels or how she is reacting and nothing about what his intent is. I also try to come up with a solution with dd & then present it to x. We're in a bit of a better place lately, and he really wants to do right by dd these days, so it's been easier to deal with issues like this.

GL & let us know how it works out.

 

[lilyka]

Dh usually comunicates with dds through email. that way they are not on the spot. in the mean time would screen calls. give dd the option of answering or not. you can't force her to talk to him. also let her call him when she is ready (I think it is very generous that she wan'ts to call him every day but I am not a phone person . . . ). you cannot be accused of denying her access if she is choosing not to talk to him and allowed to call him whenever she wants.

 

[BabyBearsMummy]

It sounds like your DD would really benefit from talking to a cousellor about her relationship with her father and as a part of the couselling they could work together so that your DD could tell her father how the phone calls and his comments are effecting her. Perhaps this way your ex would understand how his actions are effecting her and will be more open to hearing it.

 

[eccomama]

we agree beforehand that we call before bedtime during the week. on weekends it can be during the day or bedtime.

can u just tell him to call in the eve? tell him its too much for dd. counseling for you dd would also be good so she can have more confidence in expressing her feelings in general but also to her dad.

good luck!

 

[Rosehip]

Here's what I did, though my kids are younger (4 & 2). He used to call up to 4x/day. It was enormously disruptive.

I told him, repeatedly, that the calls were abstract, that the kids often did not want to talk, and that I would absolutely not force them to do so.

When he calls, I ask if they want to talk. If they don't, I don't pick up unless I think it might be something timely that I ought to talk to him about (ex: he's supposed to be there in 30 minutes and he calls, it's a good bet he's saying he's late or something, so I'd want to know). If he leaves a vmail, I check to be sure it's not something urgent he needed to speak to me about. I told him that if he wanted to speak with me about something, leave a vmail or text about what the issue was and I'd get back to him. I was clear that I am not available to just "chat" with him.

If the kids ever ask to call him (probably a couple of times/month), I of course help them do so.

This has cut WAY down on the number of calls, to less than 1/day. And, the kids are much more willing to speak with him now that it's not at frequency that was frankly harassing.

Good luck. I think you need to find a way to communicate DD's negative feelings toward these calls. Do they have much of an in-person relationship?

 

[Mom2Joseph]

let them talk. It is not up to you to keep his child from him. If the situation were reversed, you would want to talk to your DD. They will have to figure out their relationship. Be supportive, be there for her, help her work on solutions or compromises, but I would not limit or deny access in any way shape or form. That would set a very bad precedent IMHO.