[dancingbear]

My dd will be 3 in december. we have struggled for a while with her hitting other toddlers for what seems to be random reasons. Not the usual frustrated or mad so they hit scenario. For my child it is more like when she wants someone to move a bit, as they are too close for comfort. Or if she doesn't want to let someone join in to her fun. It is beyond the, "lets take turns with the shovel." issue in the sandbox. She will suprise another kid a lash out without obvious provaction.

I have said, "use your words" "If you want to play alone tell her so, don't hit?" We have had many episodes where I remove her from the scene of the crime and I just hold her until she has calmed. We often talk later when she is feeling grounded about what happened, she rattles off a "hate list" I hate the kids. I hate the park. I hate in sand box. We have scaled back in everything we do and my expectations are dwindling.

She is very bright and verbal and can be super fun. But she is so volatile and I get a lot of judgment from other parents that they wouldn't accept that behavior. They see who wears the pants or who runs the show kind of thing. Or vibes that an eye for an eye might be the only way to get through to her. I am devestated by all this. We are ap oriented and although I grew up in a loud family that daily yelled about everything, I am not yelling at or hitting her. I haven't had a lot of success in teaching her other ways. The book, raising your spirited child has helped a lot. I am wondering from other folks who have gd successfully what strategies they might try in this situation.

I am so in need of some fresh ideas!

-dancingbear

 

[sunnmama]

I have a 32 mo who is beginning to exhibit these behaviors. Not out of control (her hitting at HOME was out of control for the past few months, but is easing up now), but she is increasingly choosing to push, hit, or scratch to get older boys out of her way at the playground (she is a 30# girl who "picks fights" with 45# boys

: )
I do all of the things you've mentioned (discuss why, offer other options, pull her out of the situation), but have added one more thing: this first time she does it at each outting, I also tell her that if she hurts someone again, we will leave (IMO, a natural consequence, because I can not allow her to hurt others). In my dd's case, it doesn't happen all the time, but when it *does happen....it is likely to recur over and over that day....she just isn't "up to" the playground that day. So leaving has the added benefit of getting her out of a situation she is apparently unable to deal with that day.

I don't know if that is something you would be comfortable with, but I do know that I empathize with your situation. It was hard enough to deal with dd's big "hitting" phase in the privacy of our own home.....much less than under the critical eye of the other moms. But remember that it *is a phase! Good luck!

 

[dancingbear]

Thanks for the suppport...We have had a few good days in a rowand I resally needed this!

Learning that each "episode" is an opportunity to learn other coping skills has helped. I try to be consistent, firm and respectful of her sence of self. Sometimes I think I am expecting too much from her.

Thanks again, it is reassuring I am not the only ap mom with a kid in a hit phase!!

-dancingbear

 

[levar]

We did/do all the same things. After 9 months or so I really am seeing a major improvement. So there is hope!!

One extra thing that recently has helped alot. We have tried to focus a bit on getting Taylor to understand that kids wont play with him if he hits. Taylor likes playing with other kids so this is very effective information for him. Maybe your daughter will understand that too?

Also. Are these things happening at HER play groups, or yours? When we go on play dates with MY friends Taylor is much more difficult than when I am there solely for him. I am busy talking and having a great time with the other Mothers and *I* dont want to leave. And he knows it!! Using as a "threat" that you will leave a play date IF it is yours not hers wont work. We've been working around this by doing one day with my friends one day with his. And the threat isnt that we'll leave my playdate but that we wont go to his!!

--Editted to Add--

Sorry. I only just read another post about your situation. Although I still think the above might apply, I'd like to add: My husband and I have just gone through the worst most stressful time of our 10+ yr relationship. Things are settling down, but. Even when we are at "my" play groups if Taylor is around I have completely stopped talking about "serious" topics with the other mothers. [I now call early in the morning and late at night and during naps instead] I have tried to change the focus of play dates to PLAY only. And hubby has too.

Also, of course, all care providors need to be consistent. If Taylor hits and I see it or Daddy or Grandma or friends mom or aunt or whomever, we ALL need to address it gently and swiftly and the same way. We've told freinds and family of our concerns with hitting [and yelling in Taylor's case] and that we'd like to use re-direction and how etc. It helps that for example my Sister and I respond so alike now that Taylor thinks *I* said something?! Hard as it is, you and your daughters father need to have a talk about this for your daughters sake. I am sure you are getting alot of advice to that effect so I will leave off at that.

Many best wishes and good luck to you and yours.