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It has been a tough evening and I began wondering....<br><br>
How do you communicate your needs to your dp when you are beyond rational thought, exhausted and just plain tired of talking?<br><br>
I have a almost 1yr old dd, a 4 yr old dd and a 6.5 year old dd. We homeschool the 6yr old, 4 yr old dd in pre-k and of course the babe is home with me. I love being a sahm and wouldn't change that but when I am maxed out and just plain beat, dh is almost useless. I can get out of the house as needed for breaks but there are times when i want to be home and just have him pitch in more. This is where the question comes in.<br><br>
Tonight, the youngest was teething (is teething), the other kids need dinner and I am beyond tired. The crying babe was not calming no matter what I tried and I was to tired to complete a sentence and ask for help. Dh ate dinner and just stared at me, as I juggled crying dd and my dinner. I know he wanted to help but because I was unable to speak (or unwilling) he kept looking at me. I kinda blew up cause he could have offerred to get dd something or help but he didn't. This is pretty average for him...doesn't know how to offer help. I know I should ask for help when i need it, but honestly i was too tired to even talk.<br><br>
How can approach this without getting annoyed or mad? How can I express myself when I am beat?<br><br>
I get so darned tired of talking sometimes.
 

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That is really hard. I have a couple of suggestions but I actually hope you are in bed sleeping and not reading them. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
1. Have a hand signal. We have a hand signal that means "YOUR TURN." It is up to the spouse receiving the signal to figure out what the turn is.<br><br>
2. Ask your husband to try to learn to read your signs. My husband is not great at pitching in with chores, ever. But with sleep... somehow he managed to learn this particular tone of voice I would get in soothing our son to sleep so that if he heard my voice change to that tone in the middle of the night he would like, wake up out of a deep sleep and come and take the baby. I don't know how he learned that! But if he can, I think anyone can at least give it a college try. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
3. This is one of those "oh easy for you to say" things but I think it might help to say it anyway... you need help before you're that tired out, if possible. You do not need to be exhausted and at the end of your rope to ask for help. Do you get a break EVERY day? Because you deserve one.<br><br>
I hope you can get some rest soon.
 

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"Tag" and reach out and touch your DH. Somehow, my DH and I came up with this silly "tag team" from wrestling kind of thing. When one or the other of us were maxed out with DS, we would gently say, "tag" and lightly touch the other's arm or hand. Basically, it meant, "your turn."<br><br>
Sounds, though, like you all could use a bit of counseling, too. Easier said than done with three young kids, but even a few sessions might clear the air and help you all find a way to communicate around some of these issues.
 

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My DH and I have been having this same issue lately. I have a 5yo I homeschool, a 20mo, and a 9mo. DH is great about helping, but generally only if I ask, but like you said, most of the time I'm too exhausted to find the words to ask nicely. Generally it will erupt into a big fight because I've waited until I'm furious and then I end up screaming at him.<br><br>
We had a big talk last weekend, (not at a stressfull point, but calmly and rationally) and I explained to him that I understand that he's not with the kids as much as I am...BUT this is our THIRD baby, and I expect him to have the hang of it by now. He's good about doing nothing and then saying, "I would have helped you if you had just asked me!"<br><br>
So I finally just told him..."I simply do not have the energy to ask you everytime I need help. I need to you anticipate things a little more. If you see that I'm struggling, please jump in and help me, even if I don't ask. If I haven't asked, assume that it's because I'm so overwhelmed at the moment that I can't form the words to ask you, so just Do It! Do anything! The 5yo can tell you his needs/wants, and the babies are young enough that it's pretty basic...they're generally either hungry, tired, need a diaper change, or want to play. So PICK ONE! And if that doesn't work...pick another one! If you run through the list, and nothing is helping, then we can talk about it and see if we can figure out what else the issue might be. But, I just simply do not have the energy to hold your hand through this anymore."<br><br>
Maybe that seems a little harsh, but after two babies in one year, and no sleep for 21 months now, I expect him to up his game a little. If he doesn't know how to help, give him some options during a calm conversation, and then when things get stressful, he'll have a list of things to try. Or, simply tell him to OFFER help, even if he doesn't know how to give it. All he'd have to say is, "What can I do to help?" And you can tell him from there.<br><br>
Sorry for the novel...I know exactly what you're going through, and how maddening and frustrating it can be! Hugs to you!
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">: to the suggestions made by other posters. I would also suggest having this conversation when you are fairly fresh and not exhausted, and stick with expressing your needs: "I need you to [do something] when [something happens]", rather than: "You never help out". Not saying that that's how you would say it, of course, but I know I fall into the trap of using more confrontational language when I'm exhausted or out of sorts and it can exacerbate the situation with my partner.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>GuildJenn</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12388183"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">That is really hard. I have a couple of suggestions but I actually hope you are in bed sleeping and not reading them. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
1. Have a hand signal. We have a hand signal that means "YOUR TURN." It is up to the spouse receiving the signal to figure out what the turn is.<br>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>DariusMom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12390135"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">"Tag" and reach out and touch your DH. Somehow, my DH and I came up with this silly "tag team" from wrestling kind of thing. When one or the other of us were maxed out with DS, we would gently say, "tag" and lightly touch the other's arm or hand. Basically, it meant, "your turn."</div>
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I love these two. DH and I do hand signs and code words for other things... it works well because it's hard to be mad at someone whispering "rabbit, rabbit" underneath their breath. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 
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