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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
DH is a smart and caring person, but regarding DS he is afraid that GD will be spoiling the child. Also, I can't get him to read too many books about it, so my question is, has anyone convinced their DH of GD and with what book or what argument? DS has yet reached all milestones, like sleeping through the night (well, he wakes once or twice), and of course the nursing around the clock (as newborn) has stopped too, DS is now 14 months. Currently he is at times biting me, hitting me but I am convinced that he will outgrow this too. However, DH is panicking and thinks that tougher discipline is needed. Well, he thinks that if DS is trying to get his newspaper all he has to do is say: nonononononono. Okay, if I were a child, I thought this is a game. So I suggested a different approach. I mean, what is so difficult about removing the hand gently, saying no and give DS something else to do. And maybe, just maybe, DS wants some attention from DH?

Back to the original question:

Which book did you give your DH to read/what did you say to convince him to use GD?
 

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My dh has promised to read about a dozen books and has just not been motivated enough to read any! But I got a link to an article by Alfie Kohn on this forum (about a page or two in length). He took it with him on the train to go to work, and by the time he got to his office, he had read the whole thing. He then later gave me a point by point analysis.

This gave me the idea to type up or copy a page at a time whatever book I was reading. DH can definitely handle reading a page or two every day or two. And he really does appreciate the insight of these books. I haven't done it yet, but I've had a lot on my plate.

Another thing dh is open to is being told (maybe not at the moment) suggestions I've learned in books about how to handle various situations. But this depends on the dh, and even depends on the mood of dh. Sometimes he doesn't want to hear it. But dh wants guidance. He is as clueless as I am and really does appreciate pointers that make sense. But dh does embrace gd as a whole so perhaps he's more inclined to listen than your dh.

Good luck.
 

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My DH hates to read. Period. But he respects what I have to say and knows that I read A LOT about child development. So I just tell him little bits of info here and there. He also likes to hear very specific things about how we should respond to certain behaviors.

It doesn't work perfectly because nothing seems to "work" sometimes...

I wish more people would post their success stories
 

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I'm curious too... I'm a developmental psyc major, but dh thinks psychology is a load of crap (he doesn't see the difference between pop psyc in women's mags and peer-reviewed work
). He uses this as an excuse to disregard much of the 'suggestions' I give him regarding parenting.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
: Thank you ladies, especially the page by page thing might work. Or maybe I start writing short (very short) versions of the books I read...

Thanks again.

If anybody has more ideas, please let me know!

A big thank you from DS
:
 

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Well, my dh is also not one to read books. mind you, he is prett gd oriented to start with, but he's gone through phases of dd's behaviour where he's questioned what we are doing.

if he won't read, then your only choice is to talk. but you two must be very good at listening. dh and i have practiced imago discussion techniques for years so we are usually able to get through things like this okay.

it's important to treat your husbands suggestions and opinions respectfully. get him to break things down into small points and after each one you "mirror" back what you think he said, and he corrects you if you didn't get it. you keep doing this until he agrees that you understood his meaning. ask him what he feels would be an appropriate response, then ask quesitons, like "what message do you think this sends?" or "is the child developmentally capable of responding to that", etc.

I find that alot of the thinking behind "punish and obey" style parenting is knee-jerk. Often people just haven't thought deeply enough about what they are doing and why. Get your DH and you to make a list of discipline goals for your children. what qualities do you want to foster. then when a technique is suggested, see if it meets these goals. what message does it send? alfie kohn's book Unconditional Parenting is great for asking (and answering!) such questions, and will give you good deep questions you can ask him. I mean, we all understand the ridiculousness of hitting a child in punishment for hitting, right? but i wonder if parents who do that have really stopped to think about it that way, and what message they think is being sent, etc...
 

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To tell you the truth.. my dh won't talk about discipline or read books... he (like many men) doesn't ask for directions, doesn't need any help, was just born knowing stuff... :LOL

What is working for us is the fact that he knows what I am doing, I kind of just talk about what I do with the boys and what I am working on with my parenting. And I am getting better results than he is. They act better for me. We don't really talk about it but he is seeing that yelling makes things worse... that time outs aren't necessary, that being flexible with their needs is respectful. It is kind of fun. I am not going to say I told you so and I am not expecting any real acknowledgement. We are both working on being the best parents we can be and we are getting there in our own way.

Parenting is a very personal relationship between parent and child based on their unique personalities. I know my dh wants a better relationship with his boys than he had with his father and he's getting there.

Just wanted to add- I use my best GD stuff on me and my dh too.
 

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aaaaaaa.....HAH! There are others! Just the other day my dh suggests "pop her hand" for rocking the floor lamp into the wall. She is ONLY 13 months. I said firmly no, that is TOTALLY the wrong thing to do to a baby. I've been teaching her the phrase "No good for ____" So in this instance, I said sweet and firmly: Fiona, no good for playing. I had to say it three times, she got the message, then sat in my lap for a hug'n. Guess what, she has gone back to the lamp daily. I say the same thing, and usually before the end of the phrase, she stops and leaves--happily without a hug'n needed.

I have been married for 7 years, and know him even longer......Nagging doesn't work. I just try EXTRA well, to model what I want out of him. And I've recently had the courage to start asking him why he thinks that is the way to go....... Our kids are 4,3, and the 13 mo.

Talk outloud what your parenting goals are.

Good luck for you............. and me!

Lori
 

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i've read 'the discipline book' by sears and i love the naturalchild.org website. they have wonderful articles on gd. i usually summarize them to dh since he's also not the biggest reader of anything related to children. so far, we're mostly on the same page with regard to discipline, although i find myself 'correcting' my dh's way of disciplining sometimes
which i don't like about myself, but i really want to be on the same page. i guess it's better than him being completely opposed to what i have to say.
 

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My Dh will not read either, so another MDC mama told me that she reads to her Dh while they are driving. Kind of a captive audience thing

I have not tried it yet, but I have high hopes
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by lilylove
My Dh will not read either, so another MDC mama told me that she reads to her Dh while they are driving. Kind of a captive audience thing

LOL strap them down with that seat-belt too!

Hmm must try this with DH!
 
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