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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi ladies,<br><br>
I really need some help - it's now so late in the game now - I'm 32.5 weeks and have hit a major roadblock.<br><br>
I left my obgyn a little over a month ago after doing research on waterbirths. I became convinced that the buoyancy, depth, softness, and mobility of a birthing pool would give me the strength and relaxation to do without an epidural. YAY! I started hypnobabies and have been getting excited about the idea.<br><br>
We found a great birth center nearby and I finally got hubby on board with that, as opposed to the hospital. Hubby is absolutely adamant, however, that doing it at home is not an option... Even though the same CNM would bring her team and medical supplies to the house, and we are very, very close to the hospital JIC.<br><br>
However, I was ok with the birth center... Until yesterday, when I found out that even though I reserved their Birth Pool In A Box, that their birthing rooms are too small to accomodate! And that if I want to use the birthing pool, it would have to be a home birth! Now again, I kind of would rather have a home birth anyway, but hubby is saying no way.<br><br>
At the birth center, they have a bath tub in the room where I could give birth - but it's hard, and obviously not deep enough to create the buoyancy that made me want this all in the first place. Plus I'm fairly tall, and have an injured back and knee. I don't think the tub is even wide enough for me to be on my knees (the length from my knee to toes is pretty long, and I'd have to go sideways so the legs can be apart), and the lack of water depth would mean that I would be fighting gravity to move around. Not to mention it hurts me to by on my knees anyway, with the bad knee and all.<br><br>
I can't figure out why hubby is so against the home birth, but he says he doesn't want to deal with the mess and his main point seems to be that it's not our house (we're just renting). He is being SUPER stubborn about this but I just can't fathom the idea of being so uncomfortable in a shallow, ahrd bath tub during labor. Please help me figure out how to change his mind!
 

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Is the mess the only reason he gave you? Can you sit down with him and try to get him to articulate his concerns?<br><br>
My DH immediately expressed concern over getting our mattress bloody. (We just spent a bundle on a nice memory foam mattress) But I laughed at him that the MATTRESS was what he was worried about...not me or the baby, etc. (Of course, he was just saying what popped into his head first... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"> And reassuring him about getting some cheap-o shower curtains to go under the sheets, and some floor covers (my MW suggested plastic picnic tablecloths, which are soft on one side, plastic on the other) This seemed to help him with the "mess" idea. Also, the MWs help clean up, and he liked this idea.<br><br>
If he has any other reservations, hopefully he will speak up. It will make things easier if you both can understand where the other is coming from.
 

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What if you turned it around, told him you're HAVING a homebirth and HE has to change YOUR mind?<br><br>
-Angela
 

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I don't know about your midwife but mine cleaned up the mess. He seriously wants you to have a less than optimal birth because he doesn't want to "deal" with some bloody towels and maybe some water on the floor? I suspect he's scared of homebirth, for whatever reason, and is using the mess as an excuse. If that's the case, talking to your midwife might reassure him.<br><br>
Of course, in the end, it's your body and I firmly believe that you get the final say on how you will be having that baby. When he gets pregnant, he can choose the circumstances of his own birth location. My DH was supportive, which was nice, but I would have had the baby at home with or without his approval. Your relationship might be different though.<br><br>
Still, he's being awfully selfish if this is really about how he's scared of cleaning up a mess. If he's scared of a little homebirth mess, just wait until he's dealing with a newborn! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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There really is not a lot of mess. And what mess there is the midwives always take care of it. When I had my homebirth we did not even know there was any mess. And if you are planning a water birth there will be even less mess. My husband was totally on board with a homebirth and wanted to be sure I was as comfortable as possible since I was the one giving birth. I totally agree with the other posters that said you need to tell him that you are giving birth at home and when he gets pregnant you will support him wherever he decides to give birth. I am now a senior midwife student and I can tell you that all of the same equipment and emergency supplies that are available at the birth center would be brought to your home so there is really no difference in home vs. a birth center, safety wise. Both are still safer than the hospital too. One other thing... if he is worried about it not being his house go rent a hotel room that is big enough for your birth pool. People do it all the time.<br><br>
Lisa
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Amila</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13166069"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Watch the business of being born with him.</div>
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This is what helped push my DH over to the dark side with me. That and nagging. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br><br>
You have a head start since he has gotten his mind wrapped around out of hospital birth. Good luck!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>alegna</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13166053"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">What if you turned it around, told him you're HAVING a homebirth and HE has to change YOUR mind?<br><br>
-Angela</div>
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I like that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Yes, I've tried very hard to get him to tell me exactly WHY he is so against having it at home. First he said the mess - I told him that the midwives clean up and put everything into two trashbags - done! Now he just says that it's not our house. We're just renting. And something about the cat.<br><br>
Mind you, our house is big, beautiful, and clean. No, we don't own it. I don't know what that has to do with anything.<br><br>
He just says it's absolutely not an option and that I need to change MY way of thinking and get used to the idea that the regular hard bathtub at the center will be enough for me, and that I'm being selfish and only thinking of my own comfort!!!!! I'm fuming now. And that I need to use the hypnobabies and positive thinking and all that and just accept that there won't be the birth pool.<br><br>
I agree with the posters that say that I should just tell him it's a homebirth and that's that. I'm a strong person. But the reality is, I need him to be on board. And obviously, I will need him to inflate the tub, worry about the hose and all supplies, etc...<br><br>
Oh, and I did make him watch the Business of Being Born - that is how I finally convinced him to go the birth center route rather than the hospital.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>flipsforfun</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13166766"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">....that I'm being selfish and only thinking of my own comfort!!!!!</div>
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Um, aren't YOU going to be the one delivering the baby?? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: I would say your comfort would be a top priority.<br><br>
Other then I was shocked at that statement, I wish you all the best of luck changing his mind. It is amazing when people hold such strong opinions about something that they don't really know much about.
 

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Oh my goodness. I agree with the PPs, this should be <i>all</i> about your comfort. I don't know how this would play out in your relationship but in mine, I'd say that I'm sorry he's not comfortable. But as I'm the one who researched, and I'm the one who needs to be comfortable while laboring & giving birth, I'm having this baby at home. And my DH would be there, and he'd support me in labor even if he had reservations about homebirth. And afterward, he'd say he was sorry and I was right all along. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
With my second birth, I had an inflatable pool set up and ready to go (I birthed in the same type the first time too.) But got some sediment in it from the water heater when we started filling it, so I ended up laboring in my jacuzzi tub. That thing was huge and wide, and like you mentioned I definitely needed to kneel and spread out. The jets were awesome on my back. But I'd never use a hard tub again, because it was <i>brutal</i> on my knees. I tried putting a towel under me, I tried an inflatable bath pillow. I am telling you, don't agree to use the bathtub. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I think watching some movies with him would be a really great idea.<br><br>
As a pp said, the Business of Being Born is great.<br><br>
But, also try these:<br><br><a href="http://www.homebirthdads.com/order.htm" target="_blank">Homebirth Dads</a><br><br><a href="http://www.itsmybodymybabymybirth.com/Choices.html" target="_blank">It's My Birth My Body My Baby</a><br><br><a href="http://www.waterbirthstore.org/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=13" target="_blank">Gentle Birth Choices</a><br><br><br>
Ask him what his REAL FEARS Are? B/c I know they're not about the mess or the fact that you are renting or the darn cat. (I mean, I guess they could be but that's hard for me to swallow). Be ready to speak to those fears as best as you can.<br><br>
When do you have to make the final decision about the homebirth? Because if you have at least 3-4 weeks, I think you can do this. The key is not to nag or overwhelm but to bring it up at strategic times when he is not stressed or upset but when he is open to having a frank discussion. At the same time, stand your grand mama.
 

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Can you get him to talk to the midwife? Midwives spend a huge percentage of their lives dealing with frightened husbands. Obviously he has some fears that he's not articulating.<br>
The birth pool rocks, by the way. You're right, a bathtub is not remotely the same. You really need that buoyancy.
 

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You've already gotten great advice.<br>
I just wanted to say my DH (who can be very, very stubborn) was initially against home birth but I did manage to get him to read the research- he's very research oriented and he changed his mind and is now a huge advocate! Keep working on him <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mom2sol</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13168261"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">You've already gotten great advice.<br>
I just wanted to say my DH (who can be very, very stubborn) was initially against home birth but I did manage to get him to read the research- he's very research oriented and he changed his mind and is now a huge advocate! Keep working on him <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"></div>
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That's my DH too, only we did all our research AFTER a terrible hospital birth.
 

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We rent, and really, there was no mess to speak of. We prepped the bed for birth, which is where I birthed. After it was over, they literally pulled the corners of the sheet up, with all the chux pads and such in it, grabbed the shower liner from under and wrapped it in a big ball that went right to the trash bag. Voila, in 1 minute, all birth mess gone! And I wasn't responsible for that, the MW assistant and my doula handled that for me. I was in the bathroom birth my stubborn placenta then getting into the shower. For a tub, you just want to make sure you get a big tarp/drop cloth etc, to have underneath (especially since you rent), and I found that waterbirth is very clean! You don't notice the blood etc as much. Then have a plan for draining the tub, if the tub comes with a disposable liner, then again, no big deal for clean up!<br><br>
There is no real difference between homebirth and birth center birth. No location is safer than another. But being in the comfort of your own home, rented or not, is really nice! I liked not having to go anywhere for the birth, no driving. I was able to get online when I wanted, get in my own shower, all of my clothes where there, I could do as I pleased. I loved it and will never birth out of my house again if I can help it!<br><br>
Oh, and about he cat, my two dogs were there, and it was SOOO comforting! to reach down during a cont action and pat their head. My girl dog sat on my feet when they were cold, it was great, I was worried about the hair at first, but it was a complete non issue, and anyhow, the baby would be getting hair on it as soon as it was home anyhow!
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Thanks for the support ladies <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I will keep trying, because I can't sleep at night, thinking about it all. My confidence about this birth has been shattered with this being taken away. It was what gave me strength to get through a natural birth and have it be a beautiful experience. Something has to give!!!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>flipsforfun</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13169097"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Thanks for the support ladies <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I will keep trying, because I can't sleep at night, thinking about it all. My confidence about this birth has been shattered with this being taken away. It was what gave me strength to get through a natural birth and have it be a beautiful experience. Something has to give!!!</div>
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I was in a similar position with my second baby. Then at 38wks we went to look at the birth center; it was a nice one story two bed two bath little old house in an old German town. Dh looked around and realized "um, it's a house" and told me on the way home that we might as well have the homebirth.<br><br>
I know how hard it is to oppose your dh when you are pregnant and you want his support for your birth, but afterward I knew I would have resented dh; I still get mad when I think about him saying no homebirth because he had a "bad feeling" (he is not the intuitive type; more analytical).<br><br>
Then there is also the issue that if we still had planned on a birth center he would have been angry with me for "deliberately waiting too long", as there is no way I would have gotten in the car in labor <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/nono02.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Nono02">:.<br><br>
If I had it to do over, I would have done what one of my mw's patients had done which is to say "I'm having a homebirth, you can leave and I'll call when the baby is born." That is what she did, and the husband felt like a jerk afterwards.<br><br>
He has no good reason; don't give in for a "bad feeling" because though you may help his bad feeling, you may carry resentment against him for a long time.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>flipsforfun</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13166766"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Now he just says that it's not our house. We're just renting.</div>
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Well, you <i>made</i> that baby in the house, right? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> He didn't have a problem with that. Yeah, it's true that birthing a baby is a bit messier than making one.<br><br>
What's the worst that could happen? You have to shell out money to have one room re-carpeted if there <i>is</i> a mess? Would that really kill you financially? And the odds of that happening are so slim anyway. The MWs are used to to keeping the mess contained & cleaning it up. Maybe he just needs some perspective here...
 

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My DH was not quite on board, although not quite completely opposed to my HB. But he was making mountains out of small issues: one of the cats and clean-up were some of them as well...<br>
I essentially told him I loved him and trusted him and this is why I knew deep down that when the time would come I knew he would respect my choice and support me because he is just awesome at it. :) ... and reminded him that if a woman could be sent to the hospital against her will, the cat go in the kennel in a locked room for a couple hours... (He is right by the way she <b>IS</b> crazy and will probably go in a kennel in a quiet corner or she will not let me birth and might attacke the midwives, but it is a diffrent story, cats like that are rare...) After that he had stopped bringing up new issues<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">. I know he would have supported me, but he was not quite on the same page I was.<br>
We finally watched the Business of Being Born together last night and he immediately felt more comfortable about a homebirth.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> I don’t think it was that much the facts presented because I know he knew a lot of that stuff from DD’s birth, from books and magazines I leave around and from our crunchy-ish prenatal classes. But the birth scenes helped him a lot.<br>
I would try to sit down together one evening and watch the movie. You never know, it might help him too.<br><br>
Edit----Sorry I missed the post in which you said he watched the movie already...
 
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