How to Deal with a Weird Situation

Aquitane · Dec 3, 2010

Gosh, I don't know where to start...
 
I'm a teacher. A couple of weeks ago a parent came to see me immediately after school ended. She was enraged that her son had received a detention. Our school has a policy regarding students who do not do their work and detention. I don't necessarily agree with it, but I am bound to follow it. I tend to give my students many more chances and I work on fixing the situation so that a detention does not have to be given. Unfortunately, this student just doesn't work. I think he knows that mom will "save" him, so it doesn't matter. I should say that I like him, but I don't like the things he does.
 
So Mom is yelling and screaming at me in front of her son. I explain that the assignment that he didn't do that she is angriest about is from the math teacher, not me, and that we can talk to her and find out what happened.
 
At this point the mom screams: "I HATE THAT TEACHER! I AM GOING OVER THERE AND POPPING HER IN THE MOUTH!" She then adds that I had better shut my door because there is going to be screaming and crying coming from the other teacher.
 
I follow her out and the math teacher and I proceed to go over her son's assignments. (I think I need to add that Mom has been contacted multiple times about this. It wasn't a surprise. However, the son hid the most recent note I sent home a couple of days before, so...) Throughout this the mom is screaming and yelling and very belligerent. Finally I ask her son to leave the room.
 
I told the mom that I really don't care about the detention, but that it really isn't respectful to threaten to hit a teacher in front of her son, not to mention the other things said to us. (She said that her son knows how she is.) I ask her to please calm down so that we can talk about the situation. This makes her angrier and she yells: "I'm DONE!" and storms out of the classroom. She walks out of the school screaming and yelling about me and the other teacher. (Seriously, I had people from the other side of the building coming up to me wondering what was going on because they heard her.)
 
To keep this shorter, the principal contacted her and Mom stated that she just "blew up" and knew she shouldn't have done it. The principal told the mom she needed to apologize. Mom said she would, but she hasn't. At a recent P.T.A. meeting, the other parents told our teacher representative that the mom is not going to apologize. (Mom is on the P.T.A. board.)
 
I'm torn because on one hand, yuck, I just want it to be over. But, on the other hand, I don't think that anyone should be able to go crazy on someone and not apologize. I don't want the other parents to think it's okay to threaten to hit a teacher, not to mention the son hearing it too. I could press the issue with my principal, but I don't know if I should. Should I call the mom? I HATE conflict!
 
I would love suggestions!

MusicianDad · Dec 3, 2010

I'd be inclined to call the police. Threatening physical harm to others is a crime here, I don't know about where you are though.

amma_mama · Dec 3, 2010

I would leave that part of it alone. What is the value of a forced apology? She is likely not very sorry, so what difference would it make?
 
What I would do, though, is to make clear that any "negative" communications (bad grades, detention, etc.) with this student or his mother will have to be done by or within the presence of the principal and you will not be left alone to deal with either this child or the parent. And also make it clear that you will walk away if there is any yelling or threatening language involved. You do not need to subject yourself to that. Leave it up to the principal how to handle.

Irishmommy · Dec 3, 2010

Why was she not (a) charged with assault and (b) banned from school property, including the PTA meetings? She now has carte blanche to do what she wishes there, as does her son.

HollyBearsMom · Dec 3, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by Irishmommy <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283243/how-to-deal-with-a-weird-situation#post_16090028"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> Why was she not (a) charged with assault and (b) banned from school property, including the PTA meetings? She now has carte blanche to do what she wishes there, as does her son.
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exactly. Any student that verbally assaulted a teacher or other student and threatened physical harm would be expelled and would possibly face criminal charges. How is it acceptable coming from a parent?
 
Frankly I am a little shocked and dismayed that you even continued talking to her when she began screaming and yelling at you (and in front of her son to boot). Why did you continue to engage? And instead of immediately contacting the principal/head of school you assigned blame to another teacher and then allowed her to continue on to that teacher after she threatened bodily harm. 
 
And I have to say that a teacher hating conflict is going to have a very long road ahead......

sahli29 · Dec 3, 2010

Just a parent here but I would be upset if my kids even SAW that type of behavior from adults. I feel it is within the rights of the school to immediately revoke her permission to be able to walk the halls.She should only be allowed IN THE OFFICE to meet a teacher,and the principal should be in that meeting. And she should be kicked off the PTA.
 
She could/should have been arrested. If a kid did that to a teacher wouldn't he get suspended? Just reading about what she did and the inaction makes me so frustrated. I hope next time(and there will be) the mom is dealt with swiftly.Call the police.
 
I would not talk to the mother.An apology is lame.What does it do? Punish the child just like any other when he does not do his work,and deal with the parent immediately when she starts acting stupid.

Bebe's Mom · Dec 3, 2010

If she is that way to a teacher in a public place, what does she do in the privacy of her home when she is angry at her son?? Sounds like she has an abusive personality. I would monitor the son for signs of abuse, because I can't believe he is not affected by this. At the very least, he must be mortified by his mother's behavior. She should DEFINITELY be kicked out of the PTA, and banned from school grounds for her actions. She should also be reported to the police. Threatening you in that manner is NOT acceptable. I agree that an apology is meaningless.

Ms. Sisko · Dec 3, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by mattemma04 <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283243/how-to-deal-with-a-weird-situation#post_16090204"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> 
She could/should have been arrested. If a kid did that to a teacher wouldn't he get suspended? Just reading about what she did and the inaction makes me so frustrated. I hope next time(and there will be) the mom is dealt with swiftly.Call the police.
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If someone had treated me like that in my office at my corporate job, they would have been arrested. I hope that there is not some expectation that because you are a teacher, you are expected to put up with threats from parents. The fact that she is still on the PTA seems like such a slap in the face to the teaching staff at your school. It seems like she loves making the power play and none of that would fly in my workplace. Why is it in yours? 
Good luck, Teach!

meemee · Dec 3, 2010

yes i understand where you are coming from.
 
it isnt about a forced apology. its become a public thing. its the principal now. i do agree an apology is expected esp. when she IS on the PTA.
 
however your part in this is over. this is what your principal should be involved with and asking for. seh is the one who should be writing a warning letter to her asking her for an apology and that if she continues to behave that way the police will be called. that sort of behaviour will NOT be tolerated.
 
so really this kinda post should not be coming from you, should be coming from your principal.
 
and if your principal doesnt care - not sure how you can insist on anything without the support of the principal.

sapphire_chan · Dec 3, 2010

She didn't even have the decency to tell you all directly she wouldn't apologize? She used her position on the PTA board for a personal matter like that?
 
GRRRRRRR
 
Hoping your principal is sensible, but if he isn't, I'd get the teachers together, and the nice PTA parents and get her off the PTA board that way.

homewithtwinsmama · Dec 3, 2010

I think that any good principal would tell mom that until said apologies happened she was not welcome into the building and that she is off the PTA until she does so as well. And I would tell her that the next time she threatened physical violence on staff the police would be called. She only does this because your leadership is letting her get away with it.

MammaB21 · Dec 3, 2010

Why weren't the cops called on the spot? Why wasn't she asked to leave the premises? Why the heck is she still on the PTA? Does the school you teach for have rules? Weird. Sorry you had to put up with that.

abiyhayil · Dec 3, 2010

My husband is a teacher, and this would not be tolerated at his school, which is the 'urban' high school here. Parents schedule meetings and he always has at least one staff member and usually the principal and the whole team (since the student is usually in trouble in more than one class) A few mom's have tried to surprise him at his classroom and security or front office is called and the mother told she can have a meeting and they will schedule a day and time. If any parent gets belligerent, the principal ends the meeting and staff excuse themselves because that is inappropriate. Talk to your principal if you don't know what their protocol is for parent-teacher interactions.

JudiAU · Dec 3, 2010

I would let the apology. Forced apologies without remorse are meaningless. But I don't think she should be allowed in the classrooms unescorted and I wouldn't agree to have any further discussion with her in person, without the principal. Her behavior was outragous, threatening, and unacceptable.
 
Natural consequences...

Storm Bride · Dec 3, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by MammaB21 <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283243/how-to-deal-with-a-weird-situation#post_16091021"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> Why weren't the cops called on the spot? Why wasn't she asked to leave the premises? Why the heck is she still on the PTA? Does the school you teach for have rules? Weird. Sorry you had to put up with that.
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This is pretty much what I was thinking.

Aquitane · Dec 3, 2010

These are all really good replies! 
 
I want to clarify that I didn't dump her on the math teacher. In the beginning the mom was mostly irate about the math assignment. I do not teach this subject to her child, and frankly couldn't provide answers to what exactly had happened. I made sure I was with the mom the whole time.
 
I couldn't get to the principal because it was at dismissal time. He has to take care of the buses; he patrols outside until all the kids are gone. I did call the office as soon as the mom left.
 
If I had called the police, my school district would have had my head. My principal called my superintendent and the decision was that she was not to be allowed in the school until she apologized. Well, that didn't happen. I truly believe that my principal cares. If I go to him and tell him that I will not ever be alone with that parent again, he'll be okay with it and support me. The higher ups really could care less. Basically if you are a parent in my district who doesn't like something and you go to the superintendent or school board, they will support you over any district personnel.
 
I really thought that I was too upset about this, but maybe I wasn't upset enough? 
 
Thanks for all of the thoughtful replies. It makes my heart warm to think there are such nice people out there.

abiyhayil · Dec 3, 2010

This is Abiyhayil's husband.
 
I am a teacher. I understand not calling the cops. That is not appropriate, no matter what the gut reaction might be. We would have ended to conference as soon as she threatened the other teacher. At least, the is what I would have wanted to do. It is so hard to manage an out of control parent. I think forcing her to apologize is a bit much, since she is an adult. Not that she shouldn't, but it is really a platitude. Whatever happened, you seem to have handled it well overall. It really is ridiculously hard to know what to do in these situations.

Ms. Sisko · Dec 3, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by abiyhayil <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283243/how-to-deal-with-a-weird-situation#post_16091239"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> 
This is Abiyhayil's husband.
 

 
I am a teacher. I understand not calling the cops. That is not appropriate, no matter what the gut reaction might be. 
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Please, take my question at face value. I have never been a teacher in a school system. Why would it have been inappropriate to call the police?

MammaB21 · Dec 3, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by Ms. Sisko <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283243/how-to-deal-with-a-weird-situation#post_16091254"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> 
Please, take my question at face value. I have never been a teacher in a school system. Why would it have been inappropriate to call the police?</div>
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Agreed. I'd also like to know what would be inappropriate about calling the cops on someone who is breaking the law?
 
To the OP, it's too bad you would have been in trouble for calling the cops. Perhaps if this happens again you could calmly yet firmly remind the mother that what she is doing is illegal and that you do have a right to kick her out and or call the police but you would prefer to handle the situation as adults? Or maybe that would make it worse, I'm not sure. It just seems silly to me that your school is basically setting teachers up to be harassed.

Storm Bride · Dec 3, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by Ms. Sisko <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283243/how-to-deal-with-a-weird-situation#post_16091254"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> 
Please, take my question at face value. I have never been a teacher in a school system. Why would it have been inappropriate to call the police?</div>
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 I'm also curious. This woman was threatening to hit the other teacher.

How to Deal with a Weird Situation

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