[Lisa Lubner]

salaam

about three weeks ago, a new family moved into the apartment complex we live in. their kid, a seven year old boy, has decided that my son is his new best friend. he seems like a nice enough kid, he's got a ton of energy, and he is really enthusiastic about his friendship with my son. it's become apparent though that this kids has some behavioral habits that are bothering me...

a few examples...

my husband told the two that it was dinner time and that adam had to come inside, and the kid said to my husband (very non-chalantly) "no, it's not time". (my husband said yes it is, and adam came in)

adam invited him in for a glass of water, and as i'm getting the glasses down from the cabinet he says "gimme a glass of cold water. i want water. give me some water NOW" (i told him we don't speak to people like that in my house, and to ask me nicely... he said please, and i gave him the water)

the kid decided that the other kids they were playing with weren't his friends so he told my son he couldn't play with them any more. (i told my son that he can be friends with whoever he wants, and then he told his friend the same thing)

my son accidently hurt (stepped on the toes) of another kid they were playing with and the kid got upset and rode off on his bike... the kid told my son to chase the kid down, tell him "you're fired", and to hit him with a stick

(adam chased him down and said he was sorry instead after i reminded him that we don't treat people like that)

typing this out makes me feel like this kid is really horrible, but he's just a kid and i don't want to demonize him... but i feel like i have to supervise every second they spend together (which is hard with two other kids to take care of), and i'm exhausted. this morning i was forced out of bed by this kid knocking on the door at nine in the morning (i was still snuggling my girls in bed and my son was sleeping in). i've seen the mom with him and she is totally passive, not that i want to judge her parenting here, but the kid is obviously used to getting his way. i don't want to forbid my son from seeing this kid, but he just shows up whenever he feels like it, and i worry about my impressionable son picking up this kid's attitude.

any ideas on how i should handle this?

 

[gaialice]

Mmhh... it is a hard question.... Let me start by asking you a question so I understand your situation better. Where is it they play when they are outside? Is it a fenced area where you would normally (I mean before the new kid arrived) left your son to play with only occasional supervision from you?

 

[SouthernMommaOf2]

The sad part is this kid knows nothing else

You can slowly say things like "it's not polite to speak that way to anyone"...if that doesn't affect him then you might want to say something a little more direct like "when you speak to others that way it hurts their feelings, you know how it feels to have hurt feelings right?" You are a stronger mom that I am...I would forbid my daughter to be around that if the kid didn't start being more polite and thats sad on my part because the kid only knows what he is taught. You can gradually start teaching him the polite ways (I knows it terrible since his own mom should be but it's obvious she isn't). Hope something helps!

Mandi

 

[4evermom]

You could try telling him that if ds is not outside, you are busy or someone is napping, so don't knock on the door. I find that I have to be very explicit with random kids and really spell out rules to them. I think I would try to supervise any time they are playing together and tell ds it is time to come in if I can't supervise.

 

[PumpkinSeeds]

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[MamitadeTian]

My ds is a little younger, but we have a similar situation with one of our neighbors. It is good to have this thread. Our neighbor is also 7 and is not interested so much in playing with ds as he is in playing with ds's friend and neighbor, who is 5. They all play in the courtyard and the kid is very rough, besides being rude. I worry about the example for the other children, but also for everyone's safety, since this child challenges the others to do dangerous things or does things that are not safe, himself. And I have issues with his parents because they do not supervise him at all.
I have talked to them about this and what they have said makes me think he may be a child with special needs (he seems to be onto his third school because of behavior problems).

I want to be sensitive to the child and keep my son and the other children safe as well. Basically, I stay with them all the time and repeat the rules that I have established for play in the courtyard. The child challenges me on them often, but so far I have managed to make the rules stick by sending everyone home if they are not followed.

Thinking things over, though, I think maybe suggesting activities and trying to become closer to the child (in my case and in Lisa's) might help him want to cooperate and "play nice." As Lisa said, it is hard with other children to care for, though.

 

[Lisa Lubner]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gaialice Where is it they play when they are outside? Is it a fenced area where you would normally (I mean before the new kid arrived) left your son to play with only occasional supervision from you?

it's not a place i let my kids outside unsupervised at all... there is a lot of grass, but there is a parking lot right there, and as soon as they go around the end of my apartment, they are completely out of sight. we aren't on any busy streets, but people zoom through and around corners in the lot and i KNOW that they would have a hard time seeing a little kid in time to stop. so i always supervise... so when this kid comes by, unless i tell him to go home, i HAVE to drop whatever i'm doing to take the kids outside. it involves getting EVERYONE'S socks and shoes on, and keeping my excited and impatient little boy from running out before i can watch him... it's a total mess.

the safety thing is a big issue that i forgot to really mention (other than him suggesting that my son hit another kid with a stick)... this kid has invited my son to ride on his bike WITH HIM, like sitting on the bars in front of his seat! he's done this more than once, and challenges me when i say no. adam is *just* learning to ride a bike, and always wears a helmet... this kid has been riding for a while and doesn't. when i told adam that one of the reasons he couldn't was because of the *no helmet* thing, he told his friend and the kid responded "you don't need a helmet for this kind of bike"!!! my son believes him... i mean he's five years old and has no reason to believe that anyone would LIE to him in order to get him to do something.

i really don't want to say the kid is horrible though, i just think he is used to getting his way in almost everything. i think i have to do what MamitadeTian mentioned... maybe just go out of my way to invite the kid over to actually do stuff that i can be ready for.

 

[gaialice]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoveMyLittles ... so when this kid comes by, unless i tell him to go home, i HAVE to drop whatever i'm doing to take the kids outside. it involves getting EVERYONE'S socks and shoes on, and keeping my excited and impatient little boy from running out before i can watch him... it's a total mess.

Oh boy I would HATE that! And you have 3 kids to watch! This is really not practical at all. Any possibility to discuss with the boy's mom about playdates? I mean it does not sound like a big thing to ask of her to agree about times when the children can play together. I am really amazed that she lets her 5 y.o. son go out unsupervised in an unfenced area. Could you mention this to her that it is just not plain safe to let the two roam outside on their own and you have 3 kids and cannot be asked at the drop of a hat to "run" after her son (not in these words...)? It is also rather rude that you get to supervise her son and she does not even offer to take turns!
I would not worry too much about the bad influence the boy can make on your son. I think kids understand very well about what things are allowed in a context and not in another. JMHO. DD sees a lot of kids swearing and perhaps she even does that in her pre-school, but at home, she does not. It took a while, and lots of patience, but she does not.

 

[gaialice]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoveMyLittles adam is *just* learning to ride a bike, and always wears a helmet... this kid has been riding for a while and doesn't. when i told adam that one of the reasons he couldn't was because of the *no helmet* thing, he told his friend and the kid responded "you don't need a helmet for this kind of bike"!!! my son believes him... i mean he's five years old and has no reason to believe that anyone would LIE to him in order to get him to do something.

One more thing. My dd for instance was told by the babysitter that gums are good b'se they clean your teeth. I told her that was not so. She would not believe me. Then, we called the dentist and I had him explain to her this was not so. In your case, you could perhaps borrow a book or video from the library about safety and bikes. Make it fun, like you are doing a research. I mean, I do not know where you will find time, with the three kids you must have your hands full, but this worked for me.