How to educate someone w/o making them feel like CR*P????

1798 Views 30 Replies 23 Participants Last post by SereneBabe, Sep 8, 2006

boatbaby

Discussion Starter · Aug 19, 2006

This is the third or so time this has happened...

I am nursing DS (26 months old)
I am around another mama who I don't know all that well (playgroup, lesson, park, something like that)
The other mama feels the need to make the following comment to me (usually out of the BLUE)

"I tried nursing my son but he just refused and weaned himself at 7 months. I was so sad/ surprised/ whatever"
(insert some insanely low age usually under a year and repeat the conversation)

WHAT DO YOU SAY?
I always think of Alegna's posts that say something like "it's not biologically possible for babies to wean themselves that young"

Today I said "Wow, I have never heard of a baby self weaning that young? What happened?"
The mom said "Oh I went away for 2 weeks and he had a bottle and then just wouldn't go back... he decided he was done"

:

I wanted to yell "Noooo YOU decided he was done by leaving a 7 month old for that long and giving him something other than mama's milks at that age!!"

But I just said "oh wow that's too bad"

What would YOU say CLW'ers?

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1 - 20 of 31 Posts

Liliana

· #2 · Aug 19, 2006

I tend to tell moms how good it is that they nursed their babies. Haven't heard the abandonment story though. Usually it's what sounds like a nursing strike and they took it as a weaning. I figure, the statistics say that not many kids are getting mama's milk for even six months, so just praise women for whatever length of time they nursed.

You could have mentioned that leaving the child with a relative is a common weaning technique. I've usually heard of it when the nursling is a toddler and mom is pregnant though.

vermontgirl

· #3 · Aug 19, 2006

I think you should stop judging others for doing things differently. You dont have to educate everyone who does the wrong thing. Otherwise your tongue will fall off from exsaustion.

frontierpsych

· #4 · Aug 19, 2006

Personally I'd keep my mouth shut, but that's just because I have a tendency to come off a bit snarky if I don't (I have trouble wording things right. My mouth gets me in trouble a lot!)

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chefpaige1

· #5 · Aug 20, 2006

You could always let them know that re-lactation is still a possibility for a dedicated mother.

boatbaby

Discussion Starter · #6 · Aug 21, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by chefpaige1
You could always let them know that re-lactation is still a possibility for a dedicated mother.

Thank you for that idea!

I apreciate the thoughtful answers here. I am not TRYING to be judgemental to these mamas, I thought it was safe to vent HERE of all places. But the point was I want to come up with something useful to say if anyone else ever says this to me. I am not the one who brings it up, so I always feel off guard and sort of bewildered.

Cheers

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sebarnes

· #7 · Aug 21, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by boatbaby

I apreciate the thoughtful answers here. I am not TRYING to be judgemental to these mamas, I thought it was safe to vent HERE of all places.

Cheers

EXACTLY. I have noticed that lately some people seem to forget that this is the CLW forum. It's here for a reason.
Back to topic

! I have the same issue. Usually, what I will say is "X months is a really common age for a nursing strike." and leave it at that. A lot of times the mom will ask what a nursing strike is, and then I can just explain that, instead of making a judgement on that particular mom/baby dyad. Then they will at least have that info for the future.

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RockStarMom

· #8 · Aug 21, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by vermontgirl
I think you should stop judging others for doing things differently. You dont have to educate everyone who does the wrong thing. Otherwise your tongue will fall off from exsaustion.

I think it's crucial to attempt to educate people who have been misinformed, especially with something as important as breastfeeding. There's always a way to come off as helpful and not critical, so I don't see how educating others should be discouraged.

: My mom thought I self-weaned at a year, and she would have been grateful if someone had piped up to her about what a nursing strike is.

Sebarnes and chefpaige both had excellent ideas for what to say in this type of situation.

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hellyaellen

· #9 · Aug 21, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by sebarnes
Usually, what I will say is "X months is a really common age for a nursing strike." and leave it at that. A lot of times the mom will ask what a nursing strike is, and then I can just explain that, instead of making a judgement on that particular mom/baby dyad. Then they will at least have that info for the future.

i like that! i was thinking something along those lines too. (not there yet, we're only at 10 months, but i'm still educating.)

i just wish someone had educated me w/ my first.

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sharon71

· #10 · Aug 21, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by vermontgirl
I think you should stop judging others for doing things differently. You dont have to educate everyone who does the wrong thing. Otherwise your tongue will fall off from exsaustion.

I'm sure I'll get flamed for this but
I'm really getting tired of reading comments like this if we just sit around keeping our mouths shut how is that going to help anyone?
How are we going to educate,change society and make breastfeeding the norm if we just throw up our hands and say Oh well?

boatbaby

Discussion Starter · #11 · Aug 21, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by sharon71
I'm sure I'll get flamed for this but
I'm really getting tired of reading comments like this if we just sit around keeping our mouths shut how is that going to help anyone?
How are we going to educate,change society and make breastfeeding the norm if we just throw up our hands and say Oh well?

No flames here! Just a big

: and

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alisonsvw

· #12 · Aug 21, 2006

Say something to the mom. maybe she really dosent/didnt know better. when I had my first I wanted to breastfeed exclusivly and tried my butt off, now this is so gross looking back---i was living with my DS, his bio father and his parents who hated me and every aspect of my ways of parenting.. I got headlice somehow, i suspect his 6 yo nephew at the time had it. I didnt have much know how with natural remedys at the time, in fact i went to the dr saying "whats wrong with my head"? they gave me that posinous head wash from the pharmacy, I was told to give my baby formula... what other option did i have, alltho i didnt want to. i was pumping the milk with the nasty bug killer in it... the milk was ORANGE BTW, scarey. after a few days of not nursing and pumping was getting me no place but a crying mess..I stopped. and totally regret it now, wishing i had support, with my second i was far more informed. and nursed her over a year. shes now 3. so if I were that mom who is casually bringing up stuff about nursing, maybe thats her way of trying to have you give her some advice/support... strike up some conversation and be nice, you just might change her life.
peace

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lyttlewon

· #13 · Aug 21, 2006

I have noticed the longer I nurse Marah Jade the more "I weaned my baby because of xx" stories I get. I usually try to be sympathetic. The whole confession experience is kind of surprising to me and I think to a certain extent moms feel they need to tell you their reason so you don't think poorly of them. The weaning stories were the most frequent right after Marah Jade turned two. If the person telling me the story sounds like they are open to information I will try and give them tips that might help them. Otherwise I let them tell their story and move on.

mezzaluna

· #14 · Aug 21, 2006

i don't like that people have discovered that saying the child self-weaned is the right thing to say. i've heard it said about 5, 6, 7 month olds and my mind boggled until i started hearing things like - i scheduled his feeds... i didn't want to nurse in public, so i just gave him formula then... she got a bottle of formula every night so she would sleep better, etc. etc. and then hey, what do you know, my child stopped wanting to nurse! and it's like a big coincidence that they just happened to have babies who wanted to wean that young whereas mine just happened to be the kind that still wanted to be nursing at 20 months

whew, thanks for letting me get that off my chest. and no, i haven't thought of anything constructive to say.

i would actually like to learn how to bring up the idea of relactation in a sensitive way - i do run into moms who had difficulties at the start and went over to formula but express some regret about it in the weeks and months afterwards. how do i find out if they are open to hearing about relacation without pressuring them that if they don't re-open the raw wounds of their breastfeeding "failure" and struggle to relactate they aren't good enough moms??

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alegna

· #15 · Aug 22, 2006

For me it depends on the audience. I usually tackle false information head-on and explain. If they don't give any information I might just let it slide, depending on who it is and the situation.

If they give false information, I can not with a clear conscience not refute it.

(babies under 18 mo for sure, do not self wean. Yes, they can be weaned, but it's not CLW)

-Angela

muppet729

· #16 · Aug 23, 2006

sometimes I find that the best thing to do is to offer help for the future. I'm all about education but we can't change the past and we all know how touchy and defensive people can get over bfing.

So I might say something like, "wow, that's too bad! I can point you to some great resources/ great lc's/ great books/ LLL if you have the same troubles next time. I know that I had lots of troubles and really appreciated the support"

i guess that's not exactly the best phrasing, but you get the gist. i would have been completely lost if it hadn't been for my friend, a couple of great lc's, LLL, and some great books. I have a friend who was willing to try with her second child because she had seen me nurse even though she had had terrible trouble with her first.

ParisApril

· #17 · Aug 24, 2006

I think that if someone said to me that their baby self weaned at 7 months because they went away for two weeks my face would say it all for me

I don't have a poker face and to be honest I don't think I would want to talk to that person anymore. I can't help feeling that way. I'm just not wired to do something like that or think that doing that is okay for ANY reason.

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SereneBabe

· #18 · Aug 24, 2006

oh, this hits home for me, but, for me (and I'm counting on this being the CLW forum!) it's about night "weaning."

I am of the mind that if a child wants to nurse at night, they should be able to nurse at night.

There is NO good way to talk to a perfectly well-intentioned and mindful mother who has forced her child to not nurse at night (I NEVER use that kind of language, but I believe that's what it is) about how I honestly feel about night weaning. I even hate the phrase because it sounds so peaceful.

I'm always aware I can't walk in someone else's shoes, but for sure I don't talk much about the issue because I DEFINITELY come off as judgmental or accusatory. I don't mean to, but there's such a fine line between honesty and dishonesty when it comes to talking about things like this!

Saying how I feel about making a child stop nursing at night is really, really hard to do -- I think mostly because mothers who have done it think that I'm telling them they have hurt their child which obviously most mothers would NEVER want to do!

The truth is, though, I think it DOES hurt a child. So, I guess that's why I've often not said anything.

Ugh. Sorry to ramble on about something only semi-related (it's different than forcing an *infant* to stop nursing...)...

--Heather

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boatbaby

Discussion Starter · #19 · Aug 25, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by SereneBabe
oh, this hits home for me, but, for me (and I'm counting on this being the CLW forum!) it's about night "weaning."

I am of the mind that if a child wants to nurse at night, they should be able to nurse at night.

There is NO good way to talk to a perfectly well-intentioned and mindful mother who has forced her child to not nurse at night (I NEVER use that kind of language, but I believe that's what it is) about how I honestly feel about night weaning. I even hate the phrase because it sounds so peaceful.

I'm always aware I can't walk in someone else's shoes, but for sure I don't talk much about the issue because I DEFINITELY come off as judgmental or accusatory. I don't mean to, but there's such a fine line between honesty and dishonesty when it comes to talking about things like this!

Saying how I feel about making a child stop nursing at night is really, really hard to do -- I think mostly because mothers who have done it think that I'm telling them they have hurt their child which obviously most mothers would NEVER want to do!

The truth is, though, I think it DOES hurt a child. So, I guess that's why I've often not said anything.

Ugh. Sorry to ramble on about something only semi-related (it's different than forcing an *infant* to stop nursing...)...

--Heather

Very interesting and I can relate. I know LOTS of mamas who claim they CLW, IN GENERAL, but who DID night wean at some point. So is that really CLW?

I agree with you Heather (as usual

)
For us Z does most of his nursing at night. To force him to give that up would be coming awfully close to the line of weaning him altogether! I feel like he NEEDS his night nursies so much more than the ones we do during the day. But having said that, i just don't think I could ever ask him to give up either at this stage... and hopefully he will take the lead and do what is right for him.

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aileen

· #20 · Aug 25, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by SereneBabe
oh, this hits home for me, but, for me (and I'm counting on this being the CLW forum!) it's about night "weaning."

I am of the mind that if a child wants to nurse at night, they should be able to nurse at night.

--Heather

i'm almost embarassed at how much relief i felt reading this. nightweaning seems to underlie so many breastfeeding problems, and it's so hard to address. i love this forum. thanks for the grounding.

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