[In Exile]

Sounds easy, doesn't it? During the last visit of my inlaws I noticed that my FIL has a very abrupt way of "ending" activities with my DS. Say, they play with something that my DS reaaaaaaallly loves and then after a short amount of time he just takes it away and declates the activity as over, snap! Huge emotional outbreak on DS part, lots of tears.

I thought, okay, maybe he'll realize, you need to give it a couple of minutes, announce, "we'll be done soon okay, toy goes byebye" or something like that. He did it again and again and that's when I thought, hey, you take it easy on my 2 year old, you can't just take stuff away and expect him to be "done" the same second.

Then he took DS to his world favorite activity in the world- fill the sink with water and submerge the water toy. Again, they played for a short amount of time (my DS literally can do this for HOURS) and again FIL just emptied the sink and basically cut off the activity. A HUGE tentrum ensued. My DS was raging for 2 hours, no kidding.

Now, my DS generally needs a lot of transitioning, lots of announcement that we will do such and such, he is not good with sudden changes forced upon him and he is was none one that could be "distracted" from a dangerous situation, or "distracted" from biting etc- if my DS wants something, you WILL NOT deter him from it, most kids I have seen can be "redirected" fairly easily. We do some story time at the library because there is a wonderful librarian who is WONDERFUL at understanding each child's temperament-she's amazing. I noticed that we need some real patience with situations as in entering a church, story time starts at the library, going from being awake to going asleep are major for him- things like that are fairly quiet and low key but they require all of his "focus".

I was trying to explain that DS just needs a little bit more time to adjust and that abruptly ending a play without warning is too much. MIL interrupted me and told me that he "needs to learn frustration and there will be something new and he needs to learn to get over it real quick". Well yes, frustration in life is unavoidable but heck, he is not a dog. And yes, I am watching out for transitions like that, make them less scary for him etc knowing full well that later in life he has to be able to deal with certain transitions in school etc.

But heck, he is a 2 year old! Just take your time. My inlaws adore their grandson and love to spend time with him. But know I am getting weiry if leaving him for 4 hours means that this means tears after tears because somebody is trying to "teach" him something that he is simply not capable of dealing with (yet). And yes, the world will often deal differently with my child than I would, I get that but am I soo wrong by saying "please don't make him cry if you know you can avoid that or ease it on him?"

I just thought my FIL maybe just didn't get that he made my DS cry again and again until MIL piped in with her comment which made me think FIL did this on purpose.

Grrmp. This is as much a vent as a question. Thanks for listening.

 

[spottiew]

my parents seemed to outgrow this as he got older... maybe there is hope for you. can you suggest activities that they could do that he likes, saying 'he will want to do this for 20 mins'? read books? that usually isn't cut off before the end, right?

Quote:

Originally Posted by In Exile Sounds easy, doesn't it? During the last visit of my inlaws I noticed that my FIL has a very abrupt way of "ending" activities with my DS. Say, they play with something that my DS reaaaaaaallly loves and then after a short amount of time he just takes it away and declates the activity as over, snap! Huge emotional outbreak on DS part, lots of tears. I thought, okay, maybe he'll realize, you need to give it a couple of minutes, announce, "we'll be done soon okay, toy goes byebye" or something like that. He did it again and again and that's when I thought, hey, you take it easy on my 2 year old, you can't just take stuff away and expect him to be "done" the same second. Then he took DS to his world favorite activity in the world- fill the sink with water and submerge the water toy. Again, they played for a short amount of time (my DS literally can do this for HOURS) and again FIL just emptied the sink and basically cut off the activity. A HUGE tentrum ensued. My DS was raging for 2 hours, no kidding. Now, my DS generally needs a lot of transitioning, lots of announcement that we will do such and such, he is not good with sudden changes forced upon him and he is was none one that could be "distracted" from a dangerous situation, or "distracted" from biting etc- if my DS wants something, you WILL NOT deter him from it, most kids I have seen can be "redirected" fairly easily. We do some story time at the library because there is a wonderful librarian who is WONDERFUL at understanding each child's temperament-she's amazing. I noticed that we need some real patience with situations as in entering a church, story time starts at the library, going from being awake to going asleep are major for him- things like that are fairly quiet and low key but they require all of his "focus". I was trying to explain that DS just needs a little bit more time to adjust and that abruptly ending a play without warning is too much. MIL interrupted me and told me that he "needs to learn frustration and there will be something new and he needs to learn to get over it real quick". Well yes, frustration in life is unavoidable but heck, he is not a dog. And yes, I am watching out for transitions like that, make them less scary for him etc knowing full well that later in life he has to be able to deal with certain transitions in school etc. But heck, he is a 2 year old! Just take your time. My inlaws adore their grandson and love to spend time with him. But know I am getting weiry if leaving him for 4 hours means that this means tears after tears because somebody is trying to "teach" him something that he is simply not capable of dealing with (yet). And yes, the world will often deal differently with my child than I would, I get that but am I soo wrong by saying "please don't make him cry if you know you can avoid that or ease it on him?" I just thought my FIL maybe just didn't get that he made my DS cry again and again until MIL piped in with her comment which made me think FIL did this on purpose. Grrmp. This is as much a vent as a question. Thanks for listening.

 

[reezley]

Can you show your FIL what it's like to have what HE's doing taken away abruptly? Like he's reading the paper - you (or dh preferably, as it's his dad, right?) grab it from him and say he's done? And don't give it back when he complains. And you explain that ds feels that way too, that's he's a real person with real feelings too.... It's kind of mean, but no meaner than what he's doing to your ds!! Another approach is to explain that you *are* teaching ds something when you give him more pleasant transitions and explanations - you are teaching him to not grab stuff from other people and interrupt their activities so suddenly.

Oh - and I wouldn't leave your ds in their care knowing that it will end in such tears. I have similar issues with the slight cluelessness of my ILs, and I haven't let them babysit while we visit them. When they're older and "hardier" maybe.

 

[babsbob]

Yeah - I was gonna say turn of the TV during his baseball or football game and see how he likes it.

How rude!!!

I notice some people of that age group don't think it's necessary to respect a child - it's like they don't think of them as people.

I don't know what to tell you - he may never get it. You could try just insisting kindly that he give DS a 5 minute warning or just not engage him in activities anymore.

 

[flower01]

My first thought was "do they enjoy listenting to him cry?" I know I pretty much do everything in my power within reason to avoid tears from my child and if they come, then I do everything I can to stop them. I just don't like listening to kids cry...So maybe you can suggest ways to keep him from crying...like tell them things that he really likes and that when they're ready to quit one activity they can start getting him excited about another activity. I gotta say, I really don't think it's the job of the grandparents "to teach" these lessons...I thought the grandparents just wanted to have fun. So I would think it'd be more fun and they'd enjoy their grandson more if they knew what to do to keep him happy. If they aren't open to suggestions then I definitely wouldn't leave him alone in their care.

 

[sunflowergirll]

Wonder if it would be helpful for your husband to lay down the law for his parents.

As in, "this is how we've decided to parent. Please follow along."