how to get dh on board??

Honestly mama, in my home, the one who did the research is the one whose decision is final. If he's not willing to do the research and at least meet you with a fundamental understanding of the process and vocabulary of freebirth, then he's opted out of the decision-making process.

I hate to seem like a [email protected]$$, but involving men in the birthing process is completely contingent on their willingness to be present and engaged in the way that suits the mum, and not the other way around. It is his privilege to be there with you, but at the most basic level, you don't need him there, although you may need support- which might not come from him if he's not on board.

This is what it came to between me and dh for the freebirth of ds3, and once we passed that milestone (he didn't research, but agreed to defer to mine), we had a happy free-pg with ds4 and loving freebirth too- fully aware and fully supportive (he did the research and trusted mine).

I guess in your position, which I was previously, I would just go on having the birth I need and want and he can go do whatever he needs to do. In my pg and birthing, I reserve the right to put myself and my needs first above all. They aren't any other time, and once the babe is out, they certainly are not, so during birth, things go my way (aligned with nature's, of course).

Be strong mama. Think about what you truly need and arrange to have your needs met in whatever way works out for you. Your dh doesn't have to be there, but it would be such a gift if he was. In nearly every other aspect of marriage, compromise is necessary and can be truly beneficial and loving, but in this, I don't think it can end in the best way when compromised.

My husband is 100% a voluntary and passionate free-pg and freebirthing advocate now. I rarely have to say anything because he's there to sing its praises! It took him seeing the profound difference between the way I/we were treated in hospital and when I chose to take complete responsibility and control over my care and birth that convinced him of the disparity between a normal birth and a medicalized one.

Maybe your dh needs to see it too? Either way, whatever he needs is a pale second to what you and your new babe do in your pg and birthing experience.

Just my opinion, of course. :

PreggieUBAC2--

Hooray and many thanks for your wonderful post. I really do not understand why any woman lets any man have a decisive vote in birthing matters. I know that some want to be 'obedient' according to the way they understand some religious edicts on the matter of marriage. The only one I can say anything about would be Jews and Christians, as their religious traditions and rules are the ones I'm most familiar with.

And the way I understand it, our Hebrew foresisters closeted themselves with other women to birth. The men considered this to be entirely women's business and pretty much beneath a man's notice, much less meriting his interference. The Jews and later on, the early Christian societies were fairly sex-segregated in many ways--including birth and women's health care. THOSE guys would probably snort in contempt, or raise their eyebrows in sheer puzzlement, or have a good belly-laugh over today's husbands trying to mess with birth.

Apart from that, if you read Proverbs 31 (er, if I have this right), a good wife is described therein==and she is described as anything BUT a pushover or slave to her husband. Rather, she is expected to be wise, shrewd, decisive and strong for herself husband, family, and their property/wealth, to handle important decisions without him, in keeping with the way the labor of marriage was divided.

In any event, whatever a person may believe in religious terms, birth happens best--most healthy and safe and happy, when Mama is truly content with the plan. A man is very wise to respect this--and not to impose upon his woman in any way when it comes to those plans. Participate, YES. Support, YES. Ask for some concessions to his thoughts/feelings, ok. In this era, research and discussion, for sure. But interfere? No way. A woman does neither herself, her baby, nor even her man any favors at all if she bows to ignorance, fear, or his will to subjugate her--quite the contrary, she is much more likely to experience problems of all kinds if she does not make the chance to plan the birth that SHE feels safest and most pleased about.

JMO

Ms Black,

with all due respect you are very much speaking out of ignorance on the subject at hand. Clearly you have DEEPLY misunderstood (and therefore mistranslate) the idea of making decisions together as labeling it "obedience" as a child would obey their father. This is nothing even remotely close to what I was implying, nor how Christian and Jewish tradition have it. I wouldn't think my explanation needed explaning as I didn't imply anything of the sort [bowing down??] but obviously it does need some clearing up for you benefit and the benefit of others who might feel compelled to believe your rash judgement.

Birth is a spiritual event in a Jewish and Christian household. granted much of that may have been lost through time and changed from culture to culture. Some households and religious tradition may change from place to place as what the role of the father would be, but it never wasn't a role. ever. period. sometimes the role is active during the birth, sometimes after... but it's always active.

that said, every marriage is different, and must be undertsood so. I don't push my traditions nor beliefs on anyone and look down on them and I expect the same respect from others of differing beliefs. If my belief isn't for you, no need to take it . I wouldn't impose it on you. but making harsh and wrong accusations on my belief is only aiding in the ignorance and religious intolerance of the subject. I don't choose to include my husband b/c I fear him, but b/c I desire him a part of this experience. this is our child we have begotten together and one I intend on bringing into the world together. I don't know any Christian (personally) b/c of their christian beliefs that included their husbands b/c they are scared and must obey his orders. (if they do this, it has NOTHING to do with their religious beliefs but their own personal issues. if that is yur experience with you or someone you know, that is sad. but it doesn't reflect religious beliefs.)

before you speak on behalf of people who wish to include their husbands into the spiritual and physical birthing circle, please think twice about how little you clearly know about the subject from their POV. and please do refrain from make rash judgments on what we do and do not believe.

sincerely - a Christian mother who has taken the time to write this as civilly as possible as to stay within mothering.com guidelines

Quote:
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We are very much a Christian household. Also, for me, my husband was the single most important support for me during my labor and delivery with dd. He never left the room except once for coffee & once to greet his mom and my grandma who'd both gotten nosy/curious and poked their heads around the corner during pushing... lol Otherwise, he was there for me the entire 16 hrs and waited to catch (but the doc who was trying to play dh's role underestimated my need to get that child out and ended up letting dd plunk onto the table instead after 40 mins of pushing.. HELLO!).

The coolest most intimate thing transpired between he & I in that delivery room. As labor progressed I dove deeper and deeper into myself.. it was like being in an altered state of consciousness... a safe and calm place where I was able to block out everyone and everything that was non-essential to the event at hand. I focused on the calm in his eyes.. his hand applying pressure on my back... his voice growling out a low tone at the start of each contraction -- beckoning me to join in chorus was SO helpful. If he wasn't near I'd focus on the stripes in his shirt & when he DID leave the room I'd panic and ask someone to find him and bring. him. BACK!

Ladies while I am KEENLY aware of my body's God-breathed ability to give birth alone in the middle of the forest, I adore my dh, he's my best friend and I WANT him there for me in this capacity now and always. Ya dig?

He's afraid though. He'd never put his foot down and demand that I go to a hospital. Its just not in his nature. But he has made me aware of his fears on several occasions and I know some of you must have experienced this too. I wondered what things you did to overcome the fear whether of home birth or UC? Thanks for taking the time to read.

well then my best suggestion would be tell him what is on your heart. explain how important it is to you that he is on board with you etc.

This has been a path for my husband and myself too... it has brought us SO close together! where did we start? I think just I just got the notion after a MC threat, and brought up and we kept discussing it until it just eventually became what we were doing. he started out concerned and now? he's SO on board and excited! sometimes it just takes time to get a feel for it. it can seem so new and weird at first.

at first we were thinking midwife, but then felt less and less like we wanted one. we really enjoyed the idea of bringing the child out into the world the same way we made it - alone! the real climax of the sexual relationship - that appealed to us. (as did many other things of course - like we felt it was safer and such)

I really like this website for husbands:

http://www.unassistedhomebirth.com/fathers/index.html

and there aren't even pictures of other people, so it's usually more comfortable for husbands to read. I think sometimes the graphic pictures can just overwhelm people (esp husbands). but maybe that's just me. anyhow, regardless of that, it's a great starting place for learning more about UC

I would just like to throw my two cents' in here about the issue of whether or not husbands have a decisive vote in pregnancy and birth. Sorry, it is kind of a hijacking of the thread.

It is not a matter of religious beliefs on my part as much as it is a matter of respect. Any child I carry would be my husband's child as well. Since we are equal partners in our parenthood of our children, his vote DOES count, even at birth. I agree that if you are doing research and your husband won't even inform himself, then you do have a right to make the decision unilaterally. But, if he does research and this is beyond his personal comfort level, I do think a compromise is a good idea. I would not want to be forced into freebirth by a husband who had "done his research" and decided that was the best course of action. Neither do I think it is fair to enforce the same double standard on my husband.

Fortunately, I have a very supportive husband, so this is not an issue for me. But it deeply bothers me when women claim "my body, my choice" when it comes to birth with absolutely no regard for the concerns of their husbands/partners. It takes two to make a baby and if he is choosing to be an active father, then he should have a voice.

I would encourage you to talk more with him and request that he read some things you offer to him. Perhaps he would be more comfortable if you had a UC-friendly doula? To you, hospital birth is out of the question. So it sounds to me that you ARE willing to meet him halfway by having a midwife. It is his issue that he does not want to pay for a midwife. So what option is he really leaving you? I mean, have you asked him what his best-case scenario is? Maybe that would be a starting point for conversation, "Okay, so I do not want another hospital birth and we know that homebirth is safe. I am willing to have a midwife for our homebirth, but you do not want to pay for one. What options are left that you are comfortable with?"

I would say more, but I think some of the other women here gave you some good advice and links.

FWIW, we are not religious in the least, but I still wouldn't birth at home without him on board. Why? Well, because

#1 I need his love and support. I need him on my side. I need him to help protect me from other people who disagree.

#2 He is very rational when sometimes I am not, so if I ever wonder if I am making a bad decision, I typically ask him what he thinks, and if he agrees, then I know it is a decision based on a good foundation.

#3 It has nothing to do with 'obedience' as our family is FAR from that. Often I have the final say on things, but when it comes to parenting decisions (which birthing is also parenting in a way), I feel he and I should agree, or at least come to a compromise.

HOWEVER there are exceptions. For instance I would never circumcise or bottle feed regardless of his opinions... but the great thing is he agrees with me on that.

So basically, our household, and our marriage works better when we agree on what we are doing. Our parenting is very stable because we agree on what we are doing. And when I give birth, it will be very stable and hopefully calm because we will agree on what we are doing.

I hope that makes sense.

You guys are as varying in views & values as anyone in the community I used to have IRL. I really appreciate your input, 'cause sometimes its easier to resolve things from the outside looking in.

HennyPenny, I just clicked that link & will email it to dh at work and ask him to be prepared to read/discuss it with me later this evening. He really is sensitive about looking at all the graphic footage that most sights offer... I rag on him about it regularly cause its so natural to me, but I KNOW he'll appreciate that this site is 'safe'. So again thanks

augustacherri, I have been toying with the idea of a UC friendly doula. I really liked my initial doula during dd's birth.. then the shift changed and well.. they can't ALL be comfort goddesses, can they? But the 1st one, she was so awesome that it made me want to train to become a doula myself, even now. I will ask him tonight what his best case scenario is. I like the way your worded it.

gossamerwindweb, your post makes me giggle with perceived feisty-ness. I'm sure our personalities are similar in that respect. We probably only differ in that I weigh each of my decisions in respect to how it does/does not bring glory to God. I'm with you though.

Again, thank you all for your input.

Do all that you can do to get your DH educated and on board because really, that is the best way. Religious reasons or not (I'm a Christian believer),in the end I totally believe that you as the birthing mama, its your body going through the motions, deal with the consequences no matter the outcome of the birth. In the end, it is really YOUR responsibility and ultimately up to you to make the decision that is right for you. I grew up with home birth being the norm. My mom gave birth to my twin sisters at home. So to me, I am the most comfortable with being home. My DH never even heard of home birth until I met him. To him, its not normal. But just because what is normal to him doesn't make it the right decision for me. And it may take some work and time for him to see your view.

Really though, the reason he is not supportive yet is because he is not educated yet. Do the work mama and you will get the outcome you so desire!!

After having a solo uc with no one there except my dog, I can tell you that it can be a beautiful and peaceful experience even without your husband there (if it comes down to that). He agreed to let me go ahead with the uc but made it clear he did not want to be present, just too far out of his realm, I guess. So he took our older kids to visit his parents (3 hours away) and labor started within a day of him leaving. It was really great and I'll cherish that birth in my memories forever.

Now that we're expecting again, he told me that he totally trusts my judgment on the uc matter and that although he won't be planning to be out of town for this birth, he still does not want to be here. I was sad at first for him to be bowing out of a life experience that could be so profound for him, but it's his choice and I know the birth will go more smoothly if the only people present are those that are totally supportive of my birth plan (even if that's only me!).

I guess at some point you have to ask yourself what's more important, having your husband present or giving this baby the birth you know it deserves, that's what it came down to for me anyway. Good luck!

yeah, i totally understand you on wanting him to be there with you! i am the same way. My dh is my rock during labor and having him there makes me feel safer. I know he can't fix EVERYTHING, but just knowing that he won't let anyone barge into the room on me takes an ENORMOUS amount of stress off.

I don't think there is anyone else in the world better suited to be my birth partner than him. He knows me better than anyone, he would be the first to recognize if i was truly upset. He also knows what i look like when i am working really hard and am handling it. He loves me and cares more than anyone else in this world, and so I know that he would do everything in his power to protect me while i am doing this work, and won't let anyone else interrupt or hinder my work. I know that he would understand the urgency to seek help if there was a TRUE emergency and would not feel any need to try and "play the hero" (like a few unethical midwives have been known to do) since after all, he want's the best for me and baby.

That is why I think my dh is the best birth attendant and the most qualified in the whole world for me.

Since birthing IS the woman's work, there really shouldn't be a whole lot he can do other than what i tell him too during labor. Aside from knowing how to recognize true emergency situations (which in mho he should know how to do anyway if he is going to be a father, even if we were going traditional hospital route), and a few comfort or help techniques like cleanliness and how to make tea and rub backs, hold things when i ask, and maybe cut the cord, there really isn't much else i can think of.

You could try telling him all these reasons. I have found that at least in my case, when i am trying to convince dh, it always works better when i use simple, logical reasons and skip the emotional parts. ei: if i need to tell him that being stressed from having to explain things over and over hinders my labor, then I should probably say "if i am having to spend my energy telling the midwives what to do over and over, then that is energy i am not spending on birthing the baby, therefore it will take longer." instead of going into how frustrating it is to have to repeat myself. or something like that.